rate_review Reviews

So I've been scouring this site and fandomination for the last couple of days, wading through all the crap to try to find the good stuff.
You and...I forgot her name. She wrote The Babysitter. Anyway, you and her have made all the swimming through pure shit worth it.
I fucking love your style of writing, they can be romantic without being unrealistic and sappy, even your self inserts don't turn into Mary Sues.
Then there's the more kinky stuff. You write that well too, making it realistic, the way you write it, it comes out as it's intended (kinky sex), rather than seeming more like a rape story.
I like the humour too. Your characters have actual dimensions to them, rather than being cookie cutters, perfect, and boring.
And you find a good balance, your characters aren't just sterotypical badasses, they have just as many emotions and insecurities as real people do.
And, on a lesser, but no less important note, you can actually spell and use grammar properly. Halle-fucking-jah.
I thank you, and hope you keep up the good work.
P.S. You're a virgin? Well knock me over with an inflatable rubber mallot, that's a surprise. Don't worry, it doesn't come across at all. People with more experience in the bedroom than you have written much worse than you.

Silly little whore face.
I'm so much cleverer and nicer than THAT.
Where have you been?
You've vanished a bit.
Miss you,
I promise I'll finish reading chapter three as soon as I get a chance.
xoxo.
Christopher.

He didn't call her a slut, but he basically called her a camera whore... huh.

I like how you're developing this chapter. Some of the dialogue was especially good because it flowed well. Or rather, with the arguement it flowed awkward, giving reader the sense of the strangeness of the situation. If that made sense. Anyway, I'm curious as to exactly what the tat looks like.

xox cherie,
Saphire.

So, I liked it. I'm always impressed when people are able to write no apologies smut. I always have a hard time with that myself.

Anyway, my one suggestion would be that you try showing rather than telling. Instead of showing the reader what Dru's thinking, and likewise Billie, show them instead. (This is not a complaint this is just an observation of fanfic in general, so please don't get offended) People have a tendency to be afraid that the reader won't get it, so they preach at the reader, running things into the ground. I'd much rather see what the character is doing because of the emotions they feel than be told what they feel and just have it left at that. It tends to make a much more powerful story that way.

Also, the thing that stuck out to me the most, and this is a tiny thing in the chapter probably: At the end when she asks him to stay almost immediately after the sex. I'm impressed with that and it sticks with me. From earlier chapters I'm given the impression that this character is not one to let her lovers stay, so the fact that she actually asks him to makes me think that he's more important to her than just a fuck. Maybe for a variety of reasons, rebound, lust, actual emotion, etc. But I'd like to see that explored a bit. Because again, I've been told about Druscilla, but I don't really know much about her yet.

xox cherie, and great job!
Saphire

I'm impressed. You're writing a blatant Mary Sue and absolutely no apolgies for it. Good job!

It's got a definate interesting beginning, but from a strictly aesthetic standpoint, I'm sort of confused as to the relationship with the boyfriend she just dumped. Why even give him a name if he just disappears by the end of the fifth paragraph?

Also, I don't listen to My Chemical Romance, I have no idea as to the makeup of the band, etc. And I know I can't be the only one. You might want to explain that too.

Other than that, good start, I plan on reading more. (Which is impressive for me since I have a notoriously short attention span)

xox cherie,
Saphire.

*Billie Joe
not Billy Joe.