This Time Around

It was weird seeing Simon after such a long break over the summer. He waltzed into the New York auditions, 20 minutes late of course, and my stomach lurched. All feelings I thought I had about being over the sexual tension were instantly demolished. I could tell he'd been working out, he looked great. His tight black t-shirt clung to his strong arms, which were even more toned than last year, and he had apparently spent some time in the sun, as his complexion was now a nice bronze color. Doing my best to avoid staring, I tried to act natural and continue my conversation with Randy...what is he talking about again? Oh right, his new book. Only half listening as he rambled on, I watched Simon out of the corner of my eye, making his rounds. Finally he glanced around the room, and we made eye contact. I flashed a brilliant smile his way and ignored the flip-flopping of my stomach as Simon made his way towards me.

I guess I should explain how we left things last season. There were always some joking, and sometimes not so joking, comments made about the sexual attraction between us. But, contrary to popular belief, neither of us ever allowed anything to happen. He was with Terri, I was with Colt, and that's the way things were. Everything changed the night we filmed the skit, however.

"Kiss me?"

The question hung in the air the first time we were actually supposed to kiss. I remember feeling out of control, knowing I wanted this, but at the same time knowing I didn't, because I knew once I started kissing him, I just might not have been able to stop.

He moved towards me, closer and closer, seemingly taking hours for the gap to close between his face and mine. I slowly closed my eyes and then...

Bump.

Our noses hit, and we both abruptly jerked back, bursting into laughter. Each time after that, our lips never even made contact before wed start laughing again. By the end of the evening, my sides were literally hurting, and the filming crew was getting frustrated with the two of us.

So finally, at 11 that night, our lips touched. And I was right. The passion soared between us, and we couldn't get enough of each other. The director eventually had to ask us to tone it down, as this was being filmed for family television.

Eventually we got it right, and everyone called it a night. Everyone, that is, but Simon and I. We picked up right where we left off on his couch, kissing and groping, until my cell phone rang.

Not able to get to it in time, the answering service picked up. I listened to the message as I straightened my shirt and tried to regulate my breathing.

"Baby? Where are you? Its after midnight, and I'm worried. Please call me and let me know you're okay. I love you."

Colt.

All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't do this with Simon. We were both being unfaithful, and it wasn't right. I had just done the one thing I swore I would never do in relationships, and I was determined I wasn't going to allow it to happen anymore.

So I grabbed my purse and went home, with all intentions of forgetting about everything that had happened with Simon that night.

Unfortunately, that's not the way it worked. I was happy with Colt, of course I was, and everything was wonderful in our relationship. But every once in a while, something would trigger my memory of the night with Simon, and it would always leave me wondering what would have happened had I stayed there that night, and what could happen if I were with Simon now.

The night of the finale was incredibly awkward for both of us. We acted cordial and friendly enough, but I could not wait for the night to be over. Of course, we played it up for the press. We had to; we knew how many fans of our relationship there were out there. But the two of us never discussed it again.

"Hello Randy," Simon said as he leaned over me to shake Randy's hand, giving me just enough time to breathe in his intoxicating scent.

"Love," he said as he nodded toward me and kissed me on both cheeks, lingering a little longer on my left.

Becoming more relaxed, a light conversation formulated between the three of us about the happenings of the summer. Randy asked me about Colt, and I recapped our time together, smiling as I reflected on it. We formed such a wonderful relationship, and with each passing day, I was more and more sure he was the one. He was everything the men I had dated in the past weren't. Caring, loving, considerate, supportive of my career, and seemingly ready to settle down. I sighed as I remembered the day I left for New York. We had a big day planned out; breakfast, a drive along the coast, and then he would take me to the airport and see me off. Instead, I awoke to an empty house, with a short note about an unexpected flight back to Arizona.

"Business," I sighed as I threw the note down on my nightstand. That was the only flaw I could find in Colt. Wonderful in every way, but business always got in the way. Of course, I could understand that his career is important, so is mine, but it always took precedence over me; and the more it happened, the more I resented him for it.

I snapped back to reality as Simon took his place in the seat to my left, his arm immediately taking residence on the back of my chair. The first auditioner entered, a pretty girl from New Jersey, and I could tell she was nervous. As she struggled through her version of "A Whole New World", I looked over at Simon, who was restraining his cachinnation by holding his nose, and Randy, whose shoulders were shaking in silent laughter. Giggling, I thought to myself, "This is going to be a long season."

Two hours and 109 auditions later, all three of us were getting frustrated. The talent in New York just wasn't good enough. Placing my head in my hands, I rubbed my temples. I was surprising myself; I just didn't have the tolerance this season that I had in the past. Maybe Simon was rubbing off on me after all. I glanced over at him as he chewed, annoyed, on his pen. The next auditioner walked in, and after a few formal questions, began to sing. I looked up, hopeful, as the first few pitches were perfectly on key. However, it was downhill after that. After telling him he would not be going to Hollywood, I stood up to stretch.

"Dawgs, I need a break," Randy said, standing. Ill be back in a few minutes.

I watched Randy as he exited the room, the cameramen doing the same, and for the first time this season, Simon and I were finally alone.

Not wasting any time, Simon broke the silence.

"Paula, I think there are some things we need to discuss about us," he said, staring intently at me.

"I know Simon, I know. Look, I honestly don't know what to say. You know I am attracted to you. With what happened in May, there's no denying that. But you don't want what I want. You don't want marriage and a family, and that's why this can't work." I said, willing myself not to look at him, because I knew if I did, I would lose all resolve I had.

It was too late, however. My eyes met with his, and there was no turning back.

I could see the disappointment in his face. He turned away, rubbed his eyes and sighed.

"Paula," he said, placing a hand on my right knee. "I know I'm not everything you're looking for. But you never know, you might be the one woman to change my mind about the whole marriage thing. Please, just give me a chance. Give me a chance to make you happy."

God that made my insides go crazy. I felt like I was about to burst. How could I turn down an offer like that? Unable to resist, I smiled broadly and placed my hand on his forearm.

"But Simon," I said in protest, trying to regain seriousness, "You're still with Terri, I'm still with Colt. You cant make me happy if were in relationships with other people..." I trailed off.

By that point, Simon's face was centimeters from mine. He shrugged at my comment, and cupped my chin, pulling my face closer. I wanted to resist, really I did, but my body wasn't cooperating, and I found myself eagerly leaning in towards him. Right before our lips touched, Randy reentered the room.

"All I ask is that you consider it," Simon whispered in my ear, his warm breath giving me chill bumps, as Randy made his way back to the table.

I sighed as I leaned back in my chair, preparing for the next set of auditions. Simon's chair was scooted noticeably closer to mine now, and I smiled when I felt the smooth skin of his thumb softly caressing my thigh. I placed my hand over his, encouraging his hand higher on my leg.

I knew it was wrong. I knew what I was allowing him to do was going against everything I wanted. But I couldn't help it. Colt was in Arizona and Simon was here, and for the moment, that's all that mattered to me.