My Gift To You

Chapter Ten: Writing on the Wall

It was stupid and pointless, Benji knew that, but that didn’t stop him from standing in front of that tree for hours, just staring up at the giant plant. He had no idea why he was so obsessed with the maple, but for as long as he could remember Benji loved the thing. When he was six he had carved his initials into the bark (scratched out and corrected after his father had left the family), marking the tree as his and his alone. He had climbed over almost every branch even after he broke his left arm when he fell from a weak branch five years ago, trying to finish a poor quality club house that was never really put to good use. Benji preferred to lock his legs around a thick limb and lean back against the tree trunk, becoming one with the only thing that never talked back to him.

He pondered climbing as high as he possibly could, but thought better of it as he tightened his tie. Mrs. Madden would have a fit if he ruined his church clothes, one of the only good suits he still hadn’t destroyed one way or another. Instead he reached up and pulled an oranging leaf from a low lying branch, folding it over in his hands and watching the brittle veins snap and crackle from the stress.

The tree, George as he had named it in the second grade, had been there even before Josh was born and seemed to be the only solid thing in any of the family’s lives nowadays. Benji used to think George was dying in the fall, panicking when the leaves changed color and danced down to the ground. He would race from the house to the tree and back with jars of honey, desperately trying to glue the leaves back onto George.

“But he’ll freeze to death without his leaves on, Joel,” Benji had choked out in-between sobs. “It’s like you going outside during an ice storm without your coat! He’ll die. You don’t want George to die, do you? He’s like family.”

Joel had put a hand on his older brother’s shoulder and nodded in sympathy. “No, I don’t, but George’ll be fine. Mommy says it happens to all the trees in the fall except pine trees. He’ll grow new leaves that are ten times better than those nasty red ones, just wait and see.”

“If you say so.”

“You know I’m always right. Now stop crying, you’re going to give yourself hiccups. You don’t want that. Hiccups mean your soul’s trying to jump out of you and if that happens you’re never going to get into Heaven.”

Benji had gasped and clasped his hands over his mouth, shaking his head rapidly. “Nu-uh!” he had yelled, but the word had come out deformed and muffled.

“Yeah-huh! Lee told me in Religion the other day. It’s true.”

“Daddy says Lee’s head is full of ginger bread,” Benji had said proudly after removing his hands from his mouth. “You’re just being a meanie batinie—”

Dropping the leaf on the ground, Benji couldn’t help but laugh. It was the first time in years it seemed that he had laughed from something funny, that he was truly happy and not being some kind of wannabe sadist. It was so refreshing he just wanted it to last forever. During his hearty laughing fit, Benji didn’t hear Joel come up behind him and tap him on the shoulder. He whizzed around, eyes still watering.

“What’s so funny?” Joel asked. “We’re going to be late for church if you don’t hurry up.”

“I’m coming…meanie batinie,” Benji replied. He followed Joel to the car, unable to stifle his laughter for very long.

For some reason he loved the smell of the church. He always wondered why it was allowed to have the heavy scent of flowers and incense floating through the beautiful space, it always seemed to put Benji in a foggy state of mind. It was nearly impossible to focus on anything, just like the Christian music he listened to when he couldn’t sleep, but it was like a warm blanket—comforting him from everything in the outside world.

That feeling was the only reason he even came to church. He never was and never will be as religious as his mother, he thought that believing in God was good enough. He didn’t like the fact that everyone seemed to take the Bible so serious after the Ten Commandments, but he went for his mother. It didn’t make things better feeling like a sinner either. He hated feeling like there was a spotlight on him, that the priests could see straight through him. Benji was expecting, any day now, for people to run at him with crosses and Holy Water, trying to “get the evil” out of him.

Currently he was sitting in-between Joel and Sarah, his hands in his lap and the droning of Father Michael’s to his front left. He was thinking about Billy, but when was he not? He felt so horrible for treating him the way he did, though it was like an uncontrollable action. Benji had acted that way to everyone around him since his father left and it seemed like he had absolutely no control over what he did. He was shocked he hadn’t killed someone yet, it was that bad. He was also surprised that his friends (though they were closer to Joel than Benji, understandably) hadn’t given up on him yet.

Billy was the one person who seemed to be going through the same things as Benji, that feeling of utter hopelessness and having no power over anything. They both didn’t want to be the way they were, it was easy to see that, yet they both took a reluctant pride in themselves. They both knew that they couldn’t force it, they couldn’t change themselves—at least Benji knew that—and they both ached for someone to confide in, to love.

Benji had only been with Collin, and he never really liked the kid. It was a fling, just a moment in time for Benji to get rid of his virginity so he wouldn’t be tormented. That was only two years ago during the summer. Collin had a crush on Benji through middle school and into high school, everyone knew that, and to save himself Benji took the role of everyone else and shunned him for the most part. He had giving Collin a ride home from band practice (Benji was at his last day of baseball) and they had fucked then and there, in Collin’s bedroom while his parents where away at work. It had felt so wrong that Benji ran home to take a shower, scrubbing his skin almost raw and throwing up in the toilet.

It was a mix of three things: his broken promise to his mother to stay a virgin until he married, sleeping with a kid a year his junior that he couldn’t even stand and hammering the final nail in the coffin of what he was, homosexual.

He could only imagine what it would be like to be normal. Joel was a straight boy, though he couldn’t get a date with a girl even if he tried after the Bengay incident, and Benji envied him to the point of being in pain. Benji would go to bed with a stomach ache, wishing and praying to be like his brother and to be the picture of a Christian family. He wanted a woman to spend the rest of his life with, to be the father of children and watch them grow up and have families of their own, but that wouldn’t ever be. He couldn’t even marry another man in the eyes of the Lord, it was an abomination unless he went to a state that allowed it, nor could he have children of his own.

Benji had never been in love before, but he read about it in books. He longed for that feeling of completion and warmth, to know that he’d never be alone again. The world was supposed to melt away around him and his soul mate, to form a shield around them and make everything else moot. Benji was already incomplete, already half of a person, so he knew that whomever his love was, he would have to be the equivalent of one and a half men to fill the void in his heart.

Was Billy that person?

If there was a booklet about love with a checklist of the feelings acquainted with it, then Benji would have checked most—if not all—of them. He couldn’t bring himself to admit it, though, to walk through the door of uncertain fate and possible doom. If Billy and he got together, what would his mother think? Surly she’d turn her back on Benji, saying never to speak to her again and to basically forget about ever considering her his mother again. She would most likely blame herself for this, asking what she did wrong and when, begging for Benji to turn back to a heterosexual if he ever was in the first place.

Benji lost his father, he couldn’t bear to lose his mother as well. His life would be over as he knew it and famous rock star or not, he’d bring a gun to his head. If he couldn’t have the love of his family anymore, it wasn’t worth it to be who he was. He’d just keep lying, maybe after playing straight long enough he could finally become it. Maybe that was the key: play straight until you became it, like in a movie. You study your lines and practice enough, you turn into the character.

On the other hand, Benji didn’t want to die alone. He didn’t want to be the old man, sitting on his dilapidated deck in his rocking chair, putting the hose to anyone who walked by his house. He wanted a story book life, if that was even possible in the real world. Sooner or later Benji knew he’d have to make a choice because he couldn’t have both. As long as he could hide from that decision he would, for as long as it took.

Aaron was a complete mystery. He was gay, but that never seemed to bother him. He didn’t date publicly at the school, but he was having a long distance relationship that only four other people knew about. His parents were fine with his sexual orientation and so were most of the parents of his friends, though he never visited the Madden household for very long. He didn’t view himself as different than anyone else, he had the same worth ethic and dreams of the next guy and only thought of his “gayness,” as he put it, as a slight hindrance.

Everyone in the tri-state area knew about him, causing many feuds between him and the fundamentalists, but most were fine with it. He had waiting until the opportune moment to come out, the day after he had won the high school’s basketball game against the rival undefeated team when girls were hanging on him left and right. Aaron had merely said “no thank you, I’m not interested in women” and that was that. Only a few people thought of him differently, the majority just shrugged their shoulders and went on with their lives.

It killed Benji with how unmoving Aaron was with himself. He hadn’t even told Aaron about his homosexuality and Aaron would have been the guaranteed person to understand! Benji was too worried about what could happen if he came out to actually do it, so he spoke no other word of it. Until Billy came along he would have just kept on down that road until he was far enough away to take the weight off his shoulders.

Now he didn’t know what to do. It was a double edge sword and Benji was terrified of the consequences. Either lose his family, thereby losing his life, or lose the only person that might be worth that risk.