Even Your Shadow I Miss

Our Lady Peace owns the song.

Even Your Shadow I Miss
Part Ten

You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.
Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave.

"You know the bad thing about dating someone for a long time?" Ville said. He was sitting on the couch, playing with the hair of the boy sitting between his legs on the floor.

"Please tell me it's not breaking up." Bam said, turning slightly.

"I'm not breaking up with you, Bam-love. Paranoia isn't endearing, by the way." he added teasingly, laughing when Bam lightly bit his knee. "You're insane, doll."

"Is that endearing?"

"Stop fishing for compliments, you attention whore." Ville said, placing his hands on Bam's temples and turning his head so he was facing forward. "Now, back to what I was saying. The bad thing about dating someone for a long time . . ." Ville rolled his eyes when he saw the pout forming on his boyfriend's lips. "It's not about you, so quit acting like you're three, Mr. Margera. The bad thing about it is you run out of firsts."

Bam turned around completely, now kneeling in front of Ville in a completely nonsexual way, which was a rarity. "You've got me so fucking confused."

"And that's different from any other time?" the other man teased, immediately depositing his legs into Bam's lap when the blue-eyed boy climbed onto the couch.

"I'm only confused because you're so fucked-up." Bam said. "And when someone's so fucked up that they confuse me, you know you've got problems."

"You're lucky you're cute." Ville pointed out. "If you weren't I might not put up with your smartass crap."

"And I thought you were just in it for the sex."

"Well, that too."

Bam laughed and leaned in to press a kiss on Ville's cheek. "Well, explain yourself, woman!"

Rolling his eyes, Ville searched for the words to say what was going on in his head. "Do you remember our first kiss?"

"Of course I do." Bam said, slightly offended.

"And the first time we had sex?"

"Considering it was about five minutes later, I better, huh?"

"You're missing the point." Ville said. "Our first kiss, the first time we had sex, our first date, the first time we said 'I love you', the first time we met, the first time we fought . . ." He stopped when Bam just stared at him with those confused blue eyes, trying so hard to understand what he was trying to say. "We've gone through all our firsts." Ville said. "I guess it's not a bad thing . . . it's just . . . I don't know the word."

"It's stupid." Bam said. "We haven't gone through all our firsts. You're just talking about those firsts that make good wedding toasts. There's a lot of other ones." He smiled when Ville looked confused at something he had said. Well, something worth being confused over. "How about the first time we made out in the rain?" Bam asked. "Or the first time you sang to me? Or the first time I bribed you into skateboarding by giving you a blowjob in the back of my car? Or the first time you took care of me when I hurt myself? Or . . . why are you lookin' at me like that?"

Ville was smiling at Bam, his eyes blurred with . . .

Are those tears? Bam thought, thoroughly shocked. Had he made his boyfriend cry?

Slowly Ville brought his hand up, letting it trail from Bam's unruly curls to the soft skin of his cheek. My silly little skateboarder. Oh, darling, you think I know so much about love just because I write songs. But you . . . oh, you and this innocence . . . you're so much smarter than me and . . .

"This is why I fell in love with you." Ville said, pulling Bam to him for a heart-stopping kiss. "I love you so much, Bammie." he whispered, burying his face in the shoulder of his boyfriend.

"Ville," Bam whispered, horrified when he felt his boyfriend shaking, "are you crying?"

"I love you so much." Ville whispered again. "I don't want to go." He raised his head up to stare at Bam, at those blue eyes in so much pain for him. "I don't want to leave you. You're the only person who's ever made me feel this way."

"Ville . . ."

The older man wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, flashing a sort of embarassed smile. "I'm being stupid."

"No, you're not." Bam said. "I-I'm just not used to . . . to seeing you like this."

"I'm only like this when I miss you." Ville informed him, looking down as he said it.

"But I'm right here."

"I'm not." Ville said, giving a choked laugh when Bam gave him that confused look again. "Oh, darlin', I'm sorry. I'm just . . . I'm so worried about the tour. I'm there instead, worrying."

"I know it's gonna be hard, Ville." Bam said, taking his boyfriend's hands in his. "But . . . it's going to be okay. Like you said, we're not going to not see each other three months straight." He wasn't used to this, to trying to be strong for Ville. It was usually the other way around.

"It's not that." Ville admitted softly. "I'm worried . . . I'm worried it's going to change us, Bammie. What if . . . what if you change your mind? What if you . . . what if you fall out of love with me?"

Bam dropped Ville's hands as the blood drained from his face. "What?" His eyes darkened as he glared at the man across from him. "How could . . . I can't believe you would think that!" he yelled, standing up and putting his hands on his hips. "What, do you think I lied to you when I said I loved you? Do you think that I'm capable of something like that? That I'm that . . . that . . ." He shook his head, obviously unable to come up with the word he was searching for. He turned to leave, but Ville stood up and caught his hand.

"Bammie, I didn't--"

"Don't!" the younger boy snapped, yanking his hand away. "I mean, you obviously don't trust me. Maybe the tour's a good idea." He turned away, tears streaming down his cheeks as he made his way out of the house.

Oh God, if I could hate you, Ville Valo, now would be the time.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,

---TBC---

This chapter was supposed to be fluffy, but the drama muse bit me in the ass, so ...

Any thoughts, my lovelies?