Complicated This Feeling

He shook his head and opened the door, gesturing Joel out. “Talk to him Joel,” he repeated. He waited for the door to close behind Joel before turning and crossing the room, dropping to his knees in front of Tony, hands resting on his knees. He sighed when Tony didn’t acknowledge his presence. “Tony?”

Stony-faced, Tony looked at Matt, tears shining in his eyes. “Why?” He asked, voice cracking.

Matt sighed and shook his head, crossing his legs under him as he sat down on the floor. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… It was wrong of me and I know it was and I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, Tony.”

Tony shook his head, standing up and starting to pace the room. “No, Matt. You took advantage of me, of what we have. Do you have any idea how… how… used that makes me feel?”

“Tony, I…”

“How could you, Matt? Why?”

“I don’t know!” Matt’s voice rose in frustration and he pulled himself to his feet, grabbing Tony’s arm to still his pacing, slamming him against the wall. “I don’t know,” Matt repeated, his lips mere millimetres from Tony’s. His breath ghosted across his cousins face as he closed the gap between them; Tony’s lips soft and pliant beneath his.

“The fuck you don’t!” Tony exploded, shoving Matt away. “What is going on with you, Matt? First you go all Dom on me, and now you’re kissing me? What is this - the moment when you turn around and tell me you’re still in love with me?”

Matt sighed as he crossed the room to sit down on his bed, holding his head in his hands as he looked at Tony, elbows resting on his knees. “Yes, Tony. That’s exactly what this is, because I am. I love you.”

Tony’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but no words came out. He walked slowly across the room to sit next to Matt. “Matt,” he sighed and shook his head. “I love Joel.”

“I know.” Matt shrugged off the arm Tony placed around his shoulder. “Don’t…” He stood up, arms wrapped around him as he stood in front of Tony. “I miss you, Tony. I miss what we had. I miss usand… And I want you back, OK?”

“I…”

“I’ve always known you’ve liked Joel. You admitted it to me. But it didn’t bother me because I had you. But know he has you and I’ve seen you with him and… I don’t think I can do this, Tony. I can’t watch you with him.”

“Matt…” Tony looked up and met Matt’s eyes, wincing at the pain he saw in them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I don’t like seeing you hurt.” He smiled weakly, relieved when Matt returned the smile. “Is that what tonight was about? Trying to… to… re-assert your dominance or something? Trying to win me back, get me away from Joel?”

“No!” Matt shook his head and sat back down. “That wasn’t… I didn’t expect. When you responded like you did, I had this mad thought that just maybe… that’s why I kissed you. But I was wrong, and I know I was. But.. I don’t regret it, Tony, and I’m not going to take it back. And I’m not going to apologise for loving you!”

“Then why, Matt? Why did you do it?”

“To stop you from doing something really stupid.” Matt sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, Joel and Benji have had a huge fight and, well, you saw Joel’s lip. And if you had stormed in there and laid into Benji, it would have made things a hell of a lot worse. This… It’s not my place to tell you what happened,” he said off Tony’s look. “But they need to work it out between the two of them, ok?”

Tony nodded. “Ok,” he agreed. “But why did you automatically treat like your sub, Matt? I’m not and…”

“I know” Matt replied sadly. “And.. I don’t know why, Tony. It just… it just happened. I knew it was wrong and as soon as I said it I knew I shouldn’t have and it was too late. I… I just had to do something, can’t you understand that?”

Tony stood up and crossed the room. “I guess. But what happens the next time you want me to do something I don’t want to do?”

“It won’t happen again, Tony. I promise.”

Tony shook his head. “I wish I could believe you, Matt.” He said quietly, opening the door.

“Tony?” Matt paused, waiting for Tony to turn and look at him. “Let Joel come to you.”

“k,” Tony replied as he walked out of Matt’s room, closing the door behind him.