Legacy

A shrill, mechanical screaming jerked me out of a deep sleep and made me jump straight up into the air. Once I remembered where I was (on Hide's living room floor), I looked around and saw smoke coming out from his kitchen door.

"Hide?" I shouted, running into the kitchen. Hide waved a magazine frantically back and forth underneath the smoke detector, trying to clear the smoke so it would turn off. A moment later, he succeeded.

"What are you doing?" I asked, waving smoke away from my face.

"Making toast," he said, pointing to the sink. There was toaster lying in the sink with a large dent in its side. "I was making toast, and then all of a sudden it caught on fire, so I threw it in the sink and turned the water on."

"And now you have a broken toaster," I said, walking over and unplugging the toaster from the wall.

Hide shrugged. "I don't really use it, anyway."

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. "Talk about a wake-up call."

"I'll say," Hide said, eying me appreciatively. "And good morning to you, too."

I looked down at myself and realized I was still completely naked. I felt my face flush and started to turn away.

Hide took my hand and pulled me to him, sliding his arms around my waist. "I didn't think it was possible, but you look even more beautiful in the daylight," he said before kissing me.

I giggled against his lips and kissed him back, pressing into him. I could tell he was completely awake, if you catch my drift.

"Want to join me in the shower?" I whispered.

"As tempting as that is, Ama-chan, if I do that I'll probably miss my flight."

"Oh, right." I had completely forgotten that Hide would be leaving for Japan in a few hours.

"Plus, I already took one," Hide said. Then he grinned. "But maybe you should, because you still kind of smell like me."

I pushed away from him in pretend disgust. "Ew, who would want to smell like you?" I turned to get my clothes from wherever they were thrown, sticking my tongue out at him over my shoulder as I went.

He responded by smacking me lightly on the butt and laughing at my exaggerated shriek. "Put that tongue away or put it to better use," he said.

I laughed at him as I walked down the hall towards the bathroom. I quickly showered and dressed, then came back to find Hide putting a few final things in his giant suitcase, which was neon orange.

"Now that's more you," I remarked.

"It makes it easier to see, anyway," Hide said, zipping up the case.

Seeing the suitcase suddenly made me really sad. "Hide, I don't want you to go," I said.

He looked at me a moment, his eyes soft. "Come here," he said, opening his arms.

I practically ran across the room and into his arms, which was quickly becoming my favorite place to be. And now I wouldn't be able to be there for months.

"I'm sorry," I said, burying my face into his neck. "But I've just fully realized how much I'll miss you."

Hide just silently held me, twisting the ends of my hair through his fingers. After a moment he said, "Come with me."

I jerked my head up to stare at him. "What?"

"Come with me. We have a few hours, we can go to your house and you can grab some things, then-"

"Hide, I can't," I interrupted. "I can't just drop everything and leave. I have a job, I have bills to pay. I can't afford to fly off to another country just like that."

"You wouldn't have to worry about money or anything. I'd take care of all that."

I shook my head. "I can't impose on you like that. As much as I'd love to go with you, I can't. And you can't stay, so...I'll just have to learn to deal. I'm sorry I even brought it up."

Hide patted the top of my head and grinned. "I forgive you."

I smiled and glanced over at the clock on his VCR. "We should probably get going, though. It's almost 9:30."

"But the flight's not until noon."

"This is L.A., remember. We might be pushing it as it is."

A few moments later, we were in my car on the way to the airport. We sat in silence for a while while I struggled not to think about Hide leaving and to concentrate on the road. I kept having to bite my lip so I wouldn't start to cry.

"This is going to really suck," Hide said.

"What is?" I asked.

"Flying. I absolutely hate it."

"Why?"

"It scares the shit out of me, that's why. Usually I get trashed and fall asleep so it will go by faster. I'm going to spend all day up in the air, going over miles and miles of open ocean..." Hide shivered. "Just thinking about it creeps me out."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, since I've never been in an airplane. Is it really that scary?" I asked.

"I certainly think so. I mean, airplanes are really, really heavy. How the hell can they stay up in the air? I keep expecting it to fall out of the sky or something."

"Great, now I'm going to worry that your plane's going to crash," I said, frowning.

"Sorry." Hide looked out the window up at an airplane, scrunching his nose at it.

"But aren't like, your chances of getting hit by lightning greater than your chances of being in a plane crash? So unless you've been hit by lightning, you don't need to worry," I reasoned.

"Really? Well, that is comforting, since I've never been hit by lightning."

Because of the horrible traffic, we arrived at the airport at 11:30, giving Hide only half an hour to catch his flight.

"I hope you don't miss it," I said as I pulled into the drop-off lane and parked.

"I'll run if I have to. Don't worry, they won't take off without their most important passenger."

I laughed, but could feel that the laughter would quickly turn into something else. I quickly got out of the car and went back to the trunk so Hide wouldn't see. He met me there and we took his suitcase out of the trunk. There was a brief silence between us, during which I looked everywhere but at him.

"Amanda," Hide finally said softly.

That did it. I burst into tears and clung to him. If I was reacting this badly when he was still here, how in hell would I survive without him?

Hide kissed the top of my head. "For the first time ever, I don't want to go home."

I couldn't say anything. I just squeezed him tighter.

"I'll call you every day. Five times a day, if you want," he said soothingly.

I shook my head. "You can't do that. You'll be too busy," I managed to choke out.

Hide took my face between his hands, wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "I'll never be too busy for that." He kissed me gently. "Aishiteru."

I sniffed. "What does that mean?"

Hide smiled and winked at me. "Figure it out. See you." He let go of me and grabbed his suitcase. He then turned and started walking towards the glass doors.

I stood there, fighting the urge to run after him. He turned and waved to me when he got to the doors, then again once he was inside. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore, wanting to delay the moment where I had to accept he was gone. Only a car honking angrily at me brought me back to myself.

I'm sitting in the waiting room, on page seven of the sizable stack of forms I've been given. This is so fucking stupid. How am I supposed to know if I have a family history of diabetes when I don't even know who my father is? And why do they need to know that, anyway?

I hear a soft laugh and look up. Sitting across from me is a young couple holding hands. The woman is obviously much further along than me. I hope I don't get that big.

I place my hand across my stomach to feel the slight bulge that has developed there for what seems like the thousandth time. The fact that I now had a visible baby bump, plus the fact that my bra was becoming too small even on the furthest row of hooks, was what had made me finally make an appointment with an obstetrician. That, and Yoshiki and Haruka had been nagging me about it incessantly.

The couple across from me share a quick kiss. My heart clenches and I quickly look back down at the form, biting my lip. That should be Hide and I. He should be here next to me, unable to keep still in his excitement over soon getting to see his baby for the first time.

Trying not to think about that, I go back to the forms. Frustrated, I just check “no” for the rest of the questions. Its not like I know the answers anyway. I get up and give the forms back to the receptionist and a few minutes later, my name is called.

I'm led into the exam room by a nurse, who instructs me to sit on what looks almost like a dentist chair, but with stirrups. She gives me the usual once-over (I've gained seven pounds, yikes), then tells me to change into the hospital gown that's sitting on the chair and to wait for the doctor. She then leaves.

As I'm changing, I look around the room. There's a sink and some shelves over in one corner. Against the back wall is what looks like a television on wheels, which I'm guessing is the ultrasound machine. In the middle of the room is a rolling stool and a little cart full of random instruments, including a speculum. Great, a pelvic exam is coming.

There are some posters on the wall, including one with illustrations of the different fetal stages of development. The three month one looks kind of like an alien.

There's a knock on the door and the doctor comes in. She is middle-aged, with shoulder-length gray hair and wire frame glasses.

“Hello, Amanda. My name is Dr. Peakall.” She reaches out her hand for me to shake. “How are you today?”

“Pregnant,” I answer, shaking her hand.

Dr. Peakall laughs. “Most women I see are,” she says. She sits down on the stool and looks at her clipboard, clicking a pen. “Now, we're going to start with a few questions. Do you have a general idea of how far along you are?”

“Three months and six days,” I answer promptly.

Dr. Peakall writes down my answer, her left eyebrow raised slightly. “You seem so sure about the date of conception.”

“I'm one hundred percent sure. I can even give you the time.”

“That won't be necessary. Now, is this your first pregnancy?”

“Yes.”

“And you're 28, correct?”

I nod, a little impatient. She's basically asking me things I already wrote on the stupid forms.

“Have you experienced any nausea or vomiting? In other words, morning sickness?”

“I have. It was really bad a few weeks ago, the puking. But it's gotten better lately. I still feel queasy sometimes, though.”

Dr. Peakall nods. “That's normal. I wouldn't be surprised if you had at least some nausea during your entire pregnancy.”

I sigh. “Perfect.”

“Any fatigue or aching?”

“A little bit. But I'm not entirely sure that's all from being pregnant.”

Dr. Peakall puts down her clipboard and looks at me. “Judging from your mood, I'm guessing that you're unsure about the pregnancy. Was it unplanned?”

I stare at her. Was it really that obvious? “Yes, but how did you know?”

“Well, for one you're not acting like a happy mother-to-be. Most women who have been actively trying for a baby are a lot more enthusiastic. And the fact that you've waited so long to make an appointment. Are you still not sure you want this baby?”

I bite my lip and don't answer for a while, before silently nodding. I feel a little ashamed about admitting it to a stranger, especially one who's job it is to take care of babies.

Dr. Peakall reaches over and pats my knee. “It's alright, dear. It's perfectly normal to have some misgivings about having a child, especially if it was unplanned. Maybe seeing your baby in a few minutes will make you feel better.”

I swallow. She has no idea how I don't want that to happen.

Dr. Peakall asks me a few more questions, followed by a pelvic exam and some blood being drawn. She then pushes my hospital gown up to uncover my stomach, putting a blanket over my legs so I'm covered from the waist down. She pulls over the ultrasound machine and starts preparing the wand.

“Are you ready to meet your baby?” she asks in a cheerful voice.

“Not really,” I say truthfully, realizing how awful that sounds.

“Now now, you'll change your mind once you see it,” Dr. Peakall admonishes gently. “This will be a little cold,” she warns as she squirts some clear gel on my stomach.

I gasp a little as she spreads it around with the wand. It is cold. I look at the screen and see nothing but a lot of grey.

“Now, try to keep as still as possible.” Dr. Peakall says as she stares at the screen. She slowly moves the wand around and around on my stomach. The grey keeps changing shades, until all of a sudden there's a black space and a quick profile of something.

“Aha! There it is!” Dr. Peakall exclaims and she moves the wand backward more slowly until the black area comes back, with a perfect profile of the baby.

“Let's see...the baby's about 50 millimeters crown-to-rump length. So you're right, about three months along! So, as you can see, its head is here...”

I'm speechless as she's talking. I can hardly hear what she's saying. My eyes are fixed on the screen. The baby is pretty much all there and looks like a normal baby. There's its nose and lips. I see a little tiny fist next to its face. I can see its skeleton, kind of like an X-ray. There's a little blurry movement in its chest, which Dr. Peakall tells me is its heart. She turns on the sound and the sound of its heartbeat fills the room.

“Everything looks great, dear,” Dr. Peakall says. “You have a perfectly normal, healthy baby. You should be proud.”

My eyes start to water and before I can blink back the tears they're falling. I'm sad and happy and overwhelmed and awed all at the same time. I can't believe that a human being is growing inside me. I can't believe it's alive and moving, already opening and closing its mouth like a nursing baby does. And I can't believe Hide's not here to see it.