Complicated This Feeling

Joel took a deep breath as he pushed open the restaurant door, his eyes automatically seeking out Benji. Swallowing hard to quell the sick feeling in his stomach, he stepped into the room, telling himself this was only Benji; there was no reason at all for him to be nervous. His fingers found the cut on his lip and he sighed shaking his head, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, crossing the room. stop being so stupid he whispered to himself as the butterflies in his stomach grew. He stumbled to a stop, about to turn around and walk back out of the restaurant when a call of his name caught his attention. He looked up to find Paul waving him over to the corner table where he and Benji were sitting.

Pasting what he hoped was a grin on his face, Joel waved back, bracing himself for the slew of questions he knew Paul would be asking as soon as he saw the cut lip. And Paul didn’t disappoint him barely giving him chance to take a seat and pick up a menu.

“Joel, are you ok? What happened to your lip?”

“Nothing, it’s fine,” Joel lied, not taking his eyes off the menu, flushing as he felt Benji’s eyes boring into him. “It’s fine, Paul, Like I said - it‘s nothing.” Joel repeated, at Paul disbelieving snort.

Paul snatched the menu from Joel’s hands and stared at him. “Uh-huh.”

Benji shook his head and took the menu from Paul, handing it back to Joel. “Drop it, Paul. If he says it’s nothing, then it’s nothing.” One of Benji’s eyebrows rose, almost challenging Paul to argue with him.

Remaining silent, Paul frowned, eyes darting between Joel & Benji. Shaking his head, he finished his drink and pushed his chair back from the table, standing up. “Something’s up between you two, I know both of you well enough to know that for sure. Work it out.” And then he was gone, leaving the twins alone.

“Thanks,” Joel whispered, placing the menu back on the table and flashing a small smile at Benji. Relief crashed through him when Benji nodded and returned the smile. “I think we need to talk.”

“There’s no ‘think’ about it.” Benji pointed out.

Joel nodded in agreement. “Not here. Can… can we go back upstairs?”

“K.” Benji pulled his wallet from his pocket, settled the bill then followed Joel out of the restaurant. Awkward silence settled as they stepped into the lift, neither of them willing to speak to the other, nor knowing what to say. Opening the door, Benji crossed the room and sat down on his bed, watching Joel restlessly pacing the room, before coming to a stop, eye contact made between them for the first time.

“I’m sorry.” They both spoke at the same time, neither of them able to stop the grins that tugged at their lips when they realised what had happened. “You go first,” they continued to speak together.

Joel shook his head as he sat on the bed next to Benji, not looking at him, staring at the swirling patterns on the beige carpet. “Let me,” he asked softly, sensing Benji’s nod. He took a deep breath before speaking; blinking back the tears he could feel pricking at his eyelids. “I’m sorry,” he repeated around the lump in his throat. “What I said… When I called you, said you were like… I…. “ He looked up at Benji. “I didn’t mean it, Benji. You’re not like him, you’re nothing like, and you could never be anything like him, ever. I didn’t mean it. I was angry. I was lashing out. I said the one thing I knew would hurt you. It was stupid of me,” he reached out, wiping away the tear that ran down Benji’s cheek. “So fucking stupid,” he whispered, his own tears over spilling. “I’m sorry.”

Choking back a sob, Benji tipped Joel’s chin up, running his fingers over his split lip. “I’m sorry for hitting you,” he replied softly, pulling Joel close and wrapping his arms around him. “You ok?” he asked.

Joel nodded, leaning into Benji’s embrace. “I was goading you.”

“Not the point. I shouldn’t have hit you and I’m sorry.” There was a pause, Benji shifting on the bed, pulling away slightly. “You…. You still want me to apologise to Tony?”

Joel sighed and shook his head. “No,” he admitted. “You shouldn’t have to apologise for being my brother. I… I would have done the same thing, so…” he shrugged, sighing softly as Benji pulled him close again.

Benji rested his chin on Joel’s head. “So, we’re ok.”

“Yeah,” Joel smiled. “Always ok.”

“Good.” Benji broke the embrace, pulling Joel to his feet. “We have a show to do.” Joel nodded and followed Benji out of the room and down to the car.