The Moon and the Sun

Disclaimer: I also don't own any of the songs mentioned in this chapter -Camui Gackt and 'Nippon Crown' do.

Warnings: this one contains swearing, angst and an attempted suicide..


Chapter 12


Gackt decided that he had done enough work for the day. It was already afternoon and he had been in the studio for more than 7 hours.

All day his mind had been occupied with a certain dark haired creature. He smiled unconsciously as the memory of the blushing Mana from the night before flashed through his inner eye and he felt his heart flutter happily for a moment.

It was time to start on his plan.

"That's it for today folks, you are free to leave!" he announced to his surprised studio-crew. "You-kun, would you stay behind and help me with something?" he asked his long-time best friend and fellow musician.

"Sure Gacku." the blonde said and stopped stuffing his bag with his belongings. "Do you want us to experiment a little with a few re-mixes?"

"Iie." Gackt answered quizzically and sat on the big, red leather-couch that was near the console, lighting a cigarette and opening a bottle of wine, while waiting for the sound-technicians and the other people to leave.

"I want us to record a compilation of some older songs of mine." He said when You joined him on the couch.

"Huh? Another one? Don't you think there are already enough of them?"

"This one will be just for myself - no copies. So will you assist me?" Gackt asked standing up and walking to the now vacant recording room, cigarette and bottle firmly in hand. You stood up somewhat confused and took his place at the console. "Do you want to sing them again? But why don't we just put them together? We have tons of versions from all of your songs."

"Listen," Gackt said placing the wine on a stool and the cigarette in an ashtray before putting his headphones on "this means a lot to me. I want it to be perfect -unique. Will you assist me or should I call someone from the studio-staff back?" He glanced questioningly at the blond man that was like a brother to him.

"You already know I will, don't get pissy on me. But prepare yourself to do some explaining afterwards. It's obvious that you are up to something."

Gackt sighed. He knew that You could read him like an open book and would give him a hard time if he told him what it was he was currently up to, but he couldn't let anyone else help him with it.

He expected that the recording of the songs he had in mind would leave him so completely exposed and vulnerable that he didn't want anyone else around except his best friend, which he trusted with all his heart that he wouldn't judge him for it -Well, maybe a little.. You-kun always got easily in his mother-hen-fussing-mode whenever Gacku got like this, but Gackt knew that he did that, because he cared for him.

"First song: 'Mizerable'. Slow down the pace a tiny bit and leave only the violin." He ordered and watched You raise a suspecting brow at him, but he didn't say anything and just started to work. Gackt had officially dedicated this song to Malice Mizer back then. You could already guess to whom this compilation would be dedicated to and had a feeling that this would become a long and painful evening for both of them..

When the music started You sat back and watched Gackt carefully. He just stood there, his eyes closed almost not moving at all except to take sips from his bottle and deep drags from his death-stick. This was a really weird sight, because Gackt never smoked or drank before, even less during recording anything. After all he was a notorious perfectionist. The concept why Gacku was ruining his voice now on purpose was above him.

You hated this song in particular. It reminded him of a time when his friend was at his worst, totally consumed by depression and self-loathing, the time after he had left Malice Mizer. He shuddered at the memory of the countless times he had to force Gackt to eat and to sleep back then, or the countless nights he had stayed with him out of fear that he would hurt himself.

When Gackt started singing You was mildly surprised: the through alcohol and tobacco roughened voice fit surprisingly well with the sound of the violin. The song was a bit slower now and it sounded less desperate but a lot sadder than the original version. It sounded nice.

You wondered what the reason for Gackt wanting to make this compilation was and if he was going through one of his infamous depressions again. He concentrated once more on the appearance of the singing man.... yup, it probably was depression-time! Gackt had his eyes closed and was obviously putting his whole heart into each word he was singing. He seemed all tense and utterly lost and You knew too well that when his friend got like this he was hurting inside..

He mentally checked the date to see if it was one of Gackt's 'dark anniversaries'.. The anniversary of leaving Malice Mizer? No, that was in May. The day of Kami's death? Again no, that one was in June. Then Mana's birthday maybe? He couldn't really remember when that damned man's birthday was but he was under the impression that it was sometime in spring and now it was autumn, so that couldn't be it either.

If it wasn't one of the anniversaries what the hell was up with Gackt? Maybe he had read something in the press again about Mana's supposed affair with the manager of MoiDixMois, or he had seen him somewhere.. You's stomach knotted up in fear, he remembered too clearly how Gackt had been when he accidentally had run into Mana shopping happily with Klaha, the vocalist that had replaced him after he'd left Mizer. Gackt had been a walking mess in the weeks after that unfortunate meeting.
---
It was already night and they had just finished with recording. Despite his physical and psychological exhaustion Gackt had let himself being dragged by You to the couch and now he sat there with his eyes closed waiting for his friend to start his cross-examination.

"In all these years I have never seen you perform like that." You stated somewhat shocked. It was true, Gackt always let his feelings overcome him while singing his songs but this time he had gone several steps further: he had practically sang his heart and soul out and put them in the disc he was currently holding in his fingers as if it was a beloved person.

They had recorded a total of 8 songs and during most of them Gackt had been on the verge of crying. While singing the last song he actually did cry openly, not holding any pain back.

"Are you okay?" You asked to see Gackt nod tiredly, but with a small smile grazing his lips. "I will be."

"So, are you going to tell me who it is we spent the whole evening and part of the night pouring our heart and soul out to?"

"You know who, You-kun. The person I am singing for all these years never changed." Gackt stated and opened his bloodshot eyes to fix them on the disc in his hands. ".. well, he actually changed but deep inside I know he is still the same." he added.

You wasn't surprised by Gackt's words, all too accustomed to his friend's sometimes weird line of thought.

"The cross-dressing prince of darkness again?"

Gackt snickered, but his eyes were almost dreamy as he said: "Yes, I guess you could call him that."

You grunted in frustration and fought down the urge to smack his friend on the head. "Gacku.." He said willing his tone to be soft "don't you think that it is time to forget him? It's been so many years.."

You was caught by surprise and forgot what he was about to say when Gackt turned to him and showed him the most pure and honest smile he had ever seen on his friends face. "Hai, it has been too many years, but now I am finally almost there. I finally got a second chance and I certainly will not waste it this time."

"Did you and him meet again?" You asked, only to see Gackt's smile widen as he nodded. "And he decided to give you a second chance?? Gacku, I don't know about this. You were doing so good in the last couple of years, you had almost forgotten him.."

"I could never forget him." Gackt interrupted him. "He became a part of me the first time I saw him." He stood up and went to get his coat. "Let's go for a walk, the night is too beautiful to be wasted." When he got to the door he turned again to face You. "Are you coming?"

"Okay," the other man sighed and gathered his things..
---
Gackt had been walking with You through the streets for a while now and he had told him everything about his recent meetings with Mana. You hadn't said anything and it seemed that he was lost in his thoughts. Gackt knew that he was seriously worried about him now. He also knew that his friend couldn't stand the fact that he was spending time again with Mana, because he saw him as the reason for Gackt's -let's say- 'emotional breakdown' 6 years ago..

Flashback
"Gacku, if you don't open the fucking door I will kick it in." he heard You yell through the closed door. He couldn't care less if his friend would make his threat real, now it was too late to stop him. The pills had already started working and he was actually feeling happy right now.. a whole bottle of strong antidepressants could do this to a person.

He put the empty bottle of pills on the bathroom counter, sat down on the closed toilet and closed his eyes. Now the only thing left to do for him was sit back and wait for peace to overcome him. He would fade away slowly, peacefully to become nothing. No regrets, no 'ifs' and no 'buts' for him anymore. Just peaceful sleep.

Now if You-kun would stop making all this damn noise everything would be perfect...

A cold, wet cloth connected suddenly with his face and made him open his eyes to tiny slits as he grunted at the blond man that had disturbed his final moments. "Go away.." he sneered but slumped forward into You. "Leave me alone." he muttered even while he got carried to his bedroom and put in his bed. Hm, when he thought about it, the bed was a way better place to kick the bucket on, than the toilet-seat..

"What did you take you stupid son of a bitch?" You shouted at him and the wet cloth was back making him squirm in annoyance. Then the blessed quiet returned while You went out of the room to talk on the phone with someone. 'Figures,' Gackt thought sadly 'why should anyone want to spend my last moments with me? Even my best friend prefers to talk on his phone in this hour...'

"Gackt! Wake up!" You was back again now slapping him in the face. "Fuck off, go talk to your phone or something." Gackt murmured sleepily trying weakly to push his friend away. Suddenly he was spun around and to the edge of the bed while something thin and long invaded his mouth and tried to creep down his throat provoking his gag-reflex. Gackt opened his eyes right on time to see himself emptying his stomach in a big black bowl. He didn't even know that he had one of those.

He had thought that he would be left to sleep when he was done vomiting but You once more didn't let him. "Don't you dare fall asleep now, you stupid bastard!" he angrily shouted, taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him violently. When Gackt had managed to open his awfully dilated eyes and keep them open You stopped his torture and asked him: "Why?"

Despite how hazy Gackt's mind currently was it immediately registered what You was asking him. "I saw him today, with him.. holding hands." he whispered hoarsely. "He replaced me. In his band, in his heart. So easily.. Now I know that I didn't mean anything to him."

"You stupid son of a bitch, you tried to kill yourself because you saw slut-boy holding hands with his new vocalist?" You was yelling again. "Of curse he replaced you! What else should he have done? Stay without a vocalist? Disband? You were the one who left him, he wasn't the one who threw you out!"

"Not literally, but he threw me out nevertheless.. He made me leave with his behaviour, with his demands and his coldness. And when I told him that I wanted out he didn't even think about holding me back.."

"You didn't really want to leave?" You asked not believing his ears "Why didn't you just tell him that, god damn it? Why didn't you ask him to take you back?"

".. he refuses to talk to me.." Gackt murmured and closed his eyes. Surprisingly You let him, but seconds later he was hoisted up by two pair of strong arms that laid him upon a stretcher.

The medics had arrived.

(end of flashback)
---
"So what about the disc?" You asked when they reached the parking lot, making Gackt snap out of his thoughts.

"In a way it is a letter to him. I hope that this way he will understand. We always communicated better with music than with anything else."

"Gacku-kun," You said while worrying his lip with his teeth in a gesture of anxiety "promise me that you won't let yourself fall apart again, however this thing with Mana might end."

"Don't worry, I won't." Gackt smiled at him reassuringly. Then he turned to go to his car, but over his shoulder he spoke again: "Thank you, You-kun."

"No prob," You said while fishing his own car-keys out of the front-pocket of his jeans "it wasn't that I had any plans for the night."

"No," Gackt said firmly "thank you for keeping me alive."

Leaving a startled violinist behind, Gackt got into his car and vanished.


A/N's: I apologise to everyone reading this tale for taking so long to update. Gomen, but I don't have much spare time left nowadays.

Thanks to everyone reviewing -it really makes me happy when you drop me a line or two!