Such Synful Thoughts

A/N: Tissue Warning!


Zack’s POV

How many times had Matt promised him he wouldn’t leave or hurt him? He’d said it so many times Zack actually believed it and yet, here he was again, hurting. Someone tried to pull his arm away; he pulled it back and held his lover tighter. Fingers lightly brushed his forehead and his dark curtain of hair was moved out of the way.

Reality: He’s dead
Denial: No He’s Not! Don’t say that!

“Zacky, Zacky look at me.” Brian’s voice was quiet, everyone else that had talked to him had been loud; Zack looked up and waited for him to speak.
Hope: Brian will make it better, right? He’ll make Matt come back and everything will be okay.

Reality: Matt is dead.

“Zacky you need to let him go.”

Reality: He’s right. Let him go
Denial: NO! He’s lying, just like everyone else!

Zack shook his head and looked away from him and back to Matt; his face was gray and his lips were tinged with blue, his lively hazel eyes were dull and glazed.

Denial: Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies
Reality: No, he’s dead, dead and gone.

“Zacky, Matt’s gone, what made him Matt is gone; you’re just holding his body.”

Reality: See.
Denial: No, he said he wouldn’t hurt us, he promised! He’s not gone

There was a dull ache in his chest every time he took a breath it grew worse, Matt’s blood was drying on his arms and hands making them itch.

Denial: No, no, no, no!
Reality: Yes.

Zack didn’t look at him; why was Brian hurting him? He started to tune him out, like he’d done to everyone else, once he did that eventually Brian would go away, just like everyone else. But Brian never had been ‘everyone else’ he pulled Zack’s face away from Matt and made him look at him. Synyster’s eyes were hard and glassy, there wasn’t anywhere for Zack to hide.

“Zack. Let. Him. Go. Matt is dead. He’s not coming back, not for you or anyone else. He’s gone.”

Reality: Put the body down.
Denial: Stop it! No, he’s not dead, he’ll come back, he won’t leave us. He won’t leave us alone, he’ll come back. He always comes back.

Zack tried to pull away but Synyster held him firm, tears stung his eyes again and carved wet tracks down his cheeks. Brian couldn’t be doing this to him, Brian was his friend; yet his eyes were cold, the usual warmth was gone replaced by a chilling apathy.

Denial: Some friend. He rapes us and then wants us to toss Matt aside.

“You need to let the body go so they can take it.”
Denial: If you let it go then Matt won’t come back, they’ll put him in a bag and then put him in the ground and you’ll never see him again. Never again. We have to keep him, he’ll come back, he won’t leave

Reality: Dammit Denial! He’s gone, just let him go! He’s not coming back; they’re going to put him in that bag no matter what you say!

“He said he wouldn’t hurt me.” Syn would understand, right? He knew Matt didn’t break promises, if he knew what Matt said then he wouldn’t make him let go of him.

“It looks like he lied.”

Denial: Don’t. Syn, please don’t.
Reality: He didn’t lie…not exactly he just wasn’t expecting to die
Denial: Don’t do this, please.

Zack whimpered and held Matt tighter the pain in his chest was almost unbearable; every breath was turning into agony.

“No, he said he wouldn’t go, he won’t leave me alone.”

Denial: That’s right, he won’t go, he’s never gone long. He’ll be back
Reality: You’re just making this harder

“Well he just fuckin’ did. His word to you apparently didn’t mean enough for him to hold on another five minutes. Now put the body down so they can take it away. He’s dead Zack and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Holding the body isn’t going to magically bring him back.”

Zack felt something snap inside him, the pain in his chest was overwhelming. A small keening sound ripped out of him.

Denial: No, not Matty, not Matty, he can’t be gone. He can’t be gone, who’s gonna hold us when we have a nightmare?

Reality: No one.
Denial: Who’s gonna tell us we’re beautiful when we know we aren’t?
Reality: No one.
Denial: He can’t…Matty?
Reality: Put the body down. So they can take it.
Denial: If they take him they’ll put him in a box, they’ll put him in the ground. Matt doesn’t go in the ground
Reality: Dead people go in the ground.
Denial: Matt isn’t—
Reality: Yes he is. He’s dead; you’ve been sitting on the floor in a pool of his blood for over an hour holding his corpse. Put him down.

It felt like someone stuck a hot poker through his heart, he couldn’t breathe, his limbs were numb. Almost without thought he let his arms relax and Matt’s body slipped to the floor. There was a ringing in his ears, before the movement even registered he was standing and walking to the back door.

Denial: Maybe Matt’s at our house?
Reality: He’s not there. He’s not anywhere, not anymore.

The day was still sunny and warm but Zack shook as pent up sobs racked his body. The wind blew and dried Matt’s blood faster, by the time he made it to his house it was all dry and flaking off. Numbly he opened his door, a small flicker of hope flashed through his mind when he saw his hallway lamp on.

Denial: See he’s here!
Reality: You forgot to turn that off when we left

The pain in his chest finally broke free and Zack sank to the floor in front of the door and sobbed.

He had no idea how long he laid there, time didn’t really seem to matter anymore; nothing really seemed to matter anymore. Something bumped him, he didn’t move. What was the point? Someone tried to talk to him but their words were nothing more than a cascade of sounds that made no sense.

A light flipped on and someone pulled him into their arms and again started talking to him, another voice joined the other one. Someone ran their fingers through his hair, he let the voices fade away to nothing and tried to find that void in him where he could curl up and block the pain, block everything and everyone.

A/N: Thank You for your reviews