From Russia, With Love

She woke up in bed and she still felt wasted, and in pain. The covers were over her and she had on a sweatshirt and pyjama pants. Had that entire night even happened? She could barely gather up the energy to roll over, and seeing the man next to her only made her afraid. She had no idea what had happened to her at the club, or if anything had happened to her at all. She grew more anxious by the second as Vladimir rolled over and looked at her.
“My god, you are so stupid…” He reached out and tried to hug her, and she became even more anxious. Without thinking, she punched him as hard as she could in the chest. The blow did not affect him, but anger filled his face and he pushed her down hard against the bed and his eyes seemed to glow red.
“Don’t you EVER fucking hit me.”
“Get off of me. Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me. You’re a fucking asshole,” she screamed out. Anxiety and fear overtook her. She was filled with a fear that he would harm her. He pulled away from her, his gaze never leaving her, and if she had been sober she would’ve seen all the hurt in his eyes, but all she saw was a threat.
“Leave me alone…leave me the fuck alone…I hate you. I hate you.” He turned over on his side.
“Yeah…you hate me. You stupid fucking child.” He pulled the blankets up to his shoulder, which left her completely underneath them. Even though she should’ve been warm beneath the blankets, she began to shiver and feel freezing. Her stomach and her head were pounding. “You’re an idiot….you’re not half the woman I thought you were. Dumb little girl.”
“Vladimir it hurts….”
“What do you want me to do? You hate me.”
“I fucking hate you…”
“You know, it is sad. It is sad because when it comes to books, and politics, and everything like that you are brilliant woman. But when it comes to people you are so fucking clueless. Especially if those people just want to love you.” A wave of guilt spread over her and she clung onto him from behind.
“I’m sorry!! I’m so sorry Vladimir, I’m sorry!” He didn’t turn around, and it made her more anxious. “Please, please, please turn around! I’m sorry!” Still, he didn’t respond to her.
“I’m sorry! I love you!”
“You will not remember you said that in morning.” He reached back and pushed her away, so hard that he hurt her stomach. She realized her purse was sitting next to her head, and he sat up and reached into it and dug out her phone.
“What the fuck are you doing with my phone?!”
“I am turning your alarm on. You will wake up at 6:45 just like if you were going to school because that is what you deserve.”
“No-o-o-o…” she whined.
“Deal with it. And don’t fucking touch me.” She curled up into a ball and sobbed until she passed out.
Her alarm blasted in her ear that next morning and she awoke, finding herself still buried underneath the blankets. Her hair was everywhere and her eyes were so covered with crust from all the sobbing she had done that she could barely open them. Her head and stomach felt like they were going to burst. She reached over to see if Vladimir was still beside her. He was. She gathered up all her strength and moved toward him, draping her arm over his back, trying to warm herself with his body heat. He awoke, or perhaps he was already awake.
“Do you feel like shit?” His tone was as cold as ice. He didn’t roll over to face her, nor did he return her touch in anyway. However, he didn’t reject her.
“Yes…” She could barely speak.
“Good.”
“What happened to me?” She inquired. Her voice cracked. Finally, he turned around to face her and she noticed that he looked as horrible as she did.
“Do you really want to know?” She nodded.
“I woke up and you were not here, so I call Jeanine because I think maybe you leave me and go there. She says you have go club in Hoboken with your friend Kelly and so I ask what club and she tells me name of club and tells me where it is and that you are very drunk and probably in danger so I drive there. I get there and the guard gives me problems about getting in so I threaten him, and he lets me in. I search all around club for you and finally I find you in back room getting raped by some Swedish looking faggot. I beat him within inch of his life, take you out of club, put you in back seat of car, drive you back home, give you bath, put you in your pyjamas, and then you wake up and tell me that you hate me.” She was filled with so much guilt.
“I…”
“Yeah, I know, you are sorry.”
“I really didn’t mean to say that.”
“Then why to hell did you say that?” He grabbed her forcefully and he wore that desperate, devastated look once more. “Do you hate me…?” Quite suddenly she flung her arms around him.
“Not at all…..Vladimir, why the fuck are you still here? Why the fuck didn’t you walk out on me?” He wrapped his arms completely around her.
“I love you.”
“I think you’re just crazy.”
“Maybe I am crazy but I love you.”
“Well it’s okay if you’re crazy…I’m crazy too…I mean, look at what I did last night…I’ve never done anything-” He put his hand over her mouth.
“I say that I love you. I am tired of telling you that and not hearing anything back….”
“How could you love me?”
“I don’t know. Renae…do you love me?” She felt herself turn to ice.
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, then you don’t. And if you don’t feel that by now, then you never will.”
“You should go, Vladimir, because I am a mess. I don’t know what love feels like anymore, and I don’t know why the hell I did what I did last night.”
“Do you like being with me?” She didn’t even have to think.
“Yes…”
“Do you want me around you?”
“Yes…”
“Do you want me to be happy?”
“Oh my god…yes…that’s why I think you should stay the hell away from me.”
“Well…honestly…I don’t think that I can tell you what love is but you will know when you feel it. If you cannot feel it for me maybe it is best that I go.” She clung to him tightly.
“I don’t want you to go…you make me happy…I haven’t been happy in such a long time.” He held her tighter than he ever had before.
“You make me happy as well. You always have. Your problem is that you don’t believe that you can make me happy and you don’t realize that you are worth of being loved so you try to push people away. I don’t go away so easy.” Tears began to fall from her eyes as she realized that this man felt devotion towards her like she had never experienced. The truth was that she thought it was frightening. He kissed her gently and laid her down.
“I’m sorry…”
“Do not worry anymore about it. Go back to sleep. You will feel better when you woke up.” He looked down at her, smiled, and started to get up, but before he could stand she grabbed his arm. He looked back at her. All she did was stare into his eyes and touch his hand. She hoped he got the message, because it was too hard to actually say what she felt. He pulled her up into a tight embrace.
“I love you, too.”

-END-