The Ballad of Johhny and Sid

John really didn’t know how long he had been walking. It had been long enough to change to the usual scenery to unfamiliar surroundings but he hardly noticed. Depression settled over him like a wet wool blanket, itchy and heavy dragging him down as he walked

He could have told Sid. He could have admitted to him that he wanted to be with him and only him even if he was not sure why or for how long. But, he didn’t want to truly admit all of that crap to himself let alone another person. Gay. He didn’t even like the sound of the word. It sounded like some stupid pouf in a top hat dancing through a stupid musical. He liked girls really. Liked how they dressed and fluttered about. He loved his mom. She was a top person. So why couldn’t he just be attracted to them? Forget this nonsense with Sid or any other bloke? A dog barked as he walked past its yard. He snarled at it and kept walking.

Gay men were campy and feminine or pervy in dirty macks. He might be strange but he was none of those things so could he really be gay? Maybe he just thought he was? Or maybe it was a phase, like something you had to get out of your system and then it goes away forever? He dismissed this notion even as it tumbled around in his brain. Everything he and Sid had done together had just made John want to do more. It was a truth he couldn’t hide from himself. Well if it was a truth he was determined to do what he had always done, face up to the threat. He was no coward. Not when it came to really looking at himself. So he liked Sid it could be worse. Sid was cute and funny and willing. Still, it was hard to control Sid sometimes. Sure he could be lead and manipulated but he was so easily distracted and John needed more than someone who was going to just use him to fill time.

A tube station came into view and John decided to take it. He had to face Sid. Had to lay down the law and let him how things were going to be from now on. If Sidney was part of the plan great, if not then they could never be together again. It was that simple really. It was John’s way or no way at all. John was through running. Now it was Sidney’s turn to truly face the music he had been singing on the sly.


Sid sat staring at the space that had just moments before been occupied by Johnny. He could have run after him. He could have broken down in tears of frustration. Instead he simply sat down on the sofa and stared blankly into space. He honestly had meant the pin as a gift to Johnny not an insult. Oh he knew Johnny could twist any old thing into some hidden slight but this was different. This wasn’t just Johnny being bratty or argumentative. This was Johnny genuinely hurt. Sid sat back and closed his eyes. The anguished face of Johnny peered back at him from the darkness.

Sid had not really seen what was in front of him. He knew Johnny liked it when they were together. He knew Johnny was his friend. He knew Johnny pulled away and then came at him and then pulled away again in some mad silly dance of fear. What he had not seen was how deeply Johnny was risking his heart in all of it. To Sid it was nice, exciting, sexy and fun. But love? Didn’t Johnny say that love was for fools? That it was no more than lust given some soppy name? Did that make Johnny the biggest fake of them all? Talking endlessly about the stupidity of love and yet showing every signs of it himself when faced with the possibility of someone competing for Sid attentions. And why did that jealousy give Sid such a thrill?

One thing was for certain Sid had had enough. Enough of the back and forth and the denials’. Enough of John demanding without words and, Sid giving without argument. Enough of the storming out and then coming back as if nothing had happened. Johnny was in for an earful when he returned. All Sid could do now was sit back and wait.