Alchemy
folder
My Chemical Romance › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
17
Views:
4,116
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
My Chemical Romance › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
17
Views:
4,116
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
I Will Never Be the Same
Title: Alchemy, Part 16: I Will Never Be the Same
Author: ChemicalMuse
Pairing: Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Frank finally talks it out with Gerard.
Author's note: The lyrics are from "I Will Never Be the Same," by Melissa Etheridge.
You don't know what time it is. It's starting to get light, and you squint when you open your eyes.
Wait a minute. Weren't the curtains closed when you and Mikey went to sleep ....?
You look down toward the end of the bunk, and your blood freezes in your veins.
Gerard's sitting there, watching the two of you. You can't help but flinch and close your eyes.
He'll kill us both. That's the only thought going through your mind.
But he's not moving. He's just sitting there, looking at you and Mikey. With tears in his eyes.
His voice is barely a whisper in the still, quiet air.
"Frankie .... can I talk to you? Please?" There's no mistaking the pleading note in his voice. "I won't touch you. I promise."
You open your eyes and look over at him, finally nodding. "Yeah .... just let me get dressed."
He nods, getting up and going to the front of the bus. You can hear him settling into one of the seats, and you sit up, feeling Mikey stir in your arms. He opens his eyes, looking up at you sleepily, and you lean down to brush your lips against his.
"Go back to sleep, babe .... I'll be back in a few, okay?" You hope he doesn't ask you where you're going. He'd probably have an asthma attack if he knew you were going to talk to Gerard, after all that's happened.
But he doesn't ask. He just gives you one of those fleeting, sweet smiles and closes his eyes, falling back asleep in a few seconds.
You lean back down and press your lips to his soft cheek, your eyes brimming with tears. He's so beautiful, so sweet and trusting. He's everything you've ever wanted. Everything you never thought you'd have.
You get out of the bunk slowly, still a little sore but not nearly as bad as it was. At least you'll be able to play the show tonight without wincing every time you move. You pull on sweatpants and a t-shirt, dragging your feet as you head for the front of the bus. This isn't a meeting you're looking forward to. But you've got to talk to Gerard. Now.
You can feel his eyes on you when you settle into one of the seats, just a couple of feet away from him. A safe distance. Too far for him to reach out and grab you - or hit you - but close enough so that you can talk very softly and not wake Mikey.
He's the first to break the silence. "Frankie, I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. There's no excuse for it. Any of it."
He raises his eyes to yours, tears starting to rain down his cheeks. And that's when you lose it. You slide over next to him, wrapping your arms around his waist, letting him rest his head against your shoulder and sob.
"Shhhh .... Gee .... don't cry. Please, don't cry." You're starting to cry, too. Geez, you've cried more in the last two days than you have in the last year.
"Baby, I'm so sorry .... please forgive me." He's keeping his word, not trying to touch you. You almost wish he would. All the passion you've ever felt for him is gone, but he needs that human comfort.
He finally does touch you, sliding his arms around your waist. He's hesitant about it at first, as if he's afraid you'll pull away. But when you don't, he just sits there, sniffling every few minutes, not saying a word.
You rest your cheek against his hair, like he's done so often with you. It's not a lover's gesture. You just want him to know you're there, that you still care about him. That you'll always be there for him, even though everything about the two of you has changed forever.
He's the first to break the silence. "I wish it could have been different." There's no anger in his voice, no pain. Just regret. For what could have been.
"We feel what we feel, Gee. We can't change that."
"I know." Another soft sob, choked back almost as quickly as it leaves his lips. "But that doesn't make losing you any easier."
"You're not losing me." He glances up at you, looking confused. "Just in one way. I'll always care about you, Gee. I'll always be your friend, and I'll always love you. Just not in the same way you love me."
He nods, closing his eyes. "There's a part of me that's always known that. I just never wanted to admit it."
You can barely speak past the lump in your throat. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"Shhhh baby, I know. It's okay." He takes your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. You look down at your hand entwined with his, and you know it's the last time you'll ever be like that.
Your hand is so tiny in his. But that's always been the way it is with you and Gee. He's the leader, you're the follower. It's different with Mikey. You're equals. He's by your side, not two steps ahead of you, pulling you along behind him.
"It would never have worked for us, would it?" His voice is trembling, and you can tell he's having a hard time getting the words out. "It would have ended like this no matter what."
You don't want to say it, don't want to add to his pain. But you have to be honest. "We might've stayed together for a while, but in the long run it wasn't right for us to be together, Gee." You have to swallow hard to hold back a sob. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He raises his head, and then his lips are on yours, kissing you more gently than he ever has. There's no passion there, just a sweet regret, a tenderness you've never felt from him in the year you were together. You know this is the last time Gerard is ever going to kiss you, and there's a bittersweet sadness to that knowledge.
He pulls away slowly, his eyes searching yours. "I wish the last time we were together hadn't been .... the way it was."
You don't close your eyes or look away. "I won't remember that. I'll remember all the times it was good for both of us."
He nods, a few more tears spilling down his cheeks, looking like diamonds on his pale skin. "So will I. I'll never forget what it feels like to love you, Frankie."
You don't realize you're crying until he reaches out to wipe the tears away from your face.
You both jump as the radio comes on. Damn Bob. He's not even on the bus, and he's set the fucking thing to come on at 6 am. Nice surprise for whoever's here and trying to sleep.
Your eyes meet as the singer's voice floats through the quiet morning air.
"I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same
I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same ...."
His voice is quiet, his eyes locked on yours. "I won't, Frankie. I'll never be the same." His words are barely whispered. "Thank you for changing my life and letting me love you."
"I won't either." Your words are just as soft as his. "Thank you for loving me."
He moves away from you then, sliding back across the seat. But he's still holding your hand.
There's still that bond between you. It'll always be there. It's just shifted, changed. That's the thing about life. It's constantly changing. The fact that it always changes is the one thing you can't change.
Maybe your relationship with Mikey will change. Who knows? You can't predict the future. You don't have a crystal ball. You don't even have one of those cheesy Magic 8 Balls.
But you've got people who love you. And that's never going to change.
Author: ChemicalMuse
Pairing: Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Frank finally talks it out with Gerard.
Author's note: The lyrics are from "I Will Never Be the Same," by Melissa Etheridge.
You don't know what time it is. It's starting to get light, and you squint when you open your eyes.
Wait a minute. Weren't the curtains closed when you and Mikey went to sleep ....?
You look down toward the end of the bunk, and your blood freezes in your veins.
Gerard's sitting there, watching the two of you. You can't help but flinch and close your eyes.
He'll kill us both. That's the only thought going through your mind.
But he's not moving. He's just sitting there, looking at you and Mikey. With tears in his eyes.
His voice is barely a whisper in the still, quiet air.
"Frankie .... can I talk to you? Please?" There's no mistaking the pleading note in his voice. "I won't touch you. I promise."
You open your eyes and look over at him, finally nodding. "Yeah .... just let me get dressed."
He nods, getting up and going to the front of the bus. You can hear him settling into one of the seats, and you sit up, feeling Mikey stir in your arms. He opens his eyes, looking up at you sleepily, and you lean down to brush your lips against his.
"Go back to sleep, babe .... I'll be back in a few, okay?" You hope he doesn't ask you where you're going. He'd probably have an asthma attack if he knew you were going to talk to Gerard, after all that's happened.
But he doesn't ask. He just gives you one of those fleeting, sweet smiles and closes his eyes, falling back asleep in a few seconds.
You lean back down and press your lips to his soft cheek, your eyes brimming with tears. He's so beautiful, so sweet and trusting. He's everything you've ever wanted. Everything you never thought you'd have.
You get out of the bunk slowly, still a little sore but not nearly as bad as it was. At least you'll be able to play the show tonight without wincing every time you move. You pull on sweatpants and a t-shirt, dragging your feet as you head for the front of the bus. This isn't a meeting you're looking forward to. But you've got to talk to Gerard. Now.
You can feel his eyes on you when you settle into one of the seats, just a couple of feet away from him. A safe distance. Too far for him to reach out and grab you - or hit you - but close enough so that you can talk very softly and not wake Mikey.
He's the first to break the silence. "Frankie, I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. There's no excuse for it. Any of it."
He raises his eyes to yours, tears starting to rain down his cheeks. And that's when you lose it. You slide over next to him, wrapping your arms around his waist, letting him rest his head against your shoulder and sob.
"Shhhh .... Gee .... don't cry. Please, don't cry." You're starting to cry, too. Geez, you've cried more in the last two days than you have in the last year.
"Baby, I'm so sorry .... please forgive me." He's keeping his word, not trying to touch you. You almost wish he would. All the passion you've ever felt for him is gone, but he needs that human comfort.
He finally does touch you, sliding his arms around your waist. He's hesitant about it at first, as if he's afraid you'll pull away. But when you don't, he just sits there, sniffling every few minutes, not saying a word.
You rest your cheek against his hair, like he's done so often with you. It's not a lover's gesture. You just want him to know you're there, that you still care about him. That you'll always be there for him, even though everything about the two of you has changed forever.
He's the first to break the silence. "I wish it could have been different." There's no anger in his voice, no pain. Just regret. For what could have been.
"We feel what we feel, Gee. We can't change that."
"I know." Another soft sob, choked back almost as quickly as it leaves his lips. "But that doesn't make losing you any easier."
"You're not losing me." He glances up at you, looking confused. "Just in one way. I'll always care about you, Gee. I'll always be your friend, and I'll always love you. Just not in the same way you love me."
He nods, closing his eyes. "There's a part of me that's always known that. I just never wanted to admit it."
You can barely speak past the lump in your throat. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"Shhhh baby, I know. It's okay." He takes your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. You look down at your hand entwined with his, and you know it's the last time you'll ever be like that.
Your hand is so tiny in his. But that's always been the way it is with you and Gee. He's the leader, you're the follower. It's different with Mikey. You're equals. He's by your side, not two steps ahead of you, pulling you along behind him.
"It would never have worked for us, would it?" His voice is trembling, and you can tell he's having a hard time getting the words out. "It would have ended like this no matter what."
You don't want to say it, don't want to add to his pain. But you have to be honest. "We might've stayed together for a while, but in the long run it wasn't right for us to be together, Gee." You have to swallow hard to hold back a sob. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He raises his head, and then his lips are on yours, kissing you more gently than he ever has. There's no passion there, just a sweet regret, a tenderness you've never felt from him in the year you were together. You know this is the last time Gerard is ever going to kiss you, and there's a bittersweet sadness to that knowledge.
He pulls away slowly, his eyes searching yours. "I wish the last time we were together hadn't been .... the way it was."
You don't close your eyes or look away. "I won't remember that. I'll remember all the times it was good for both of us."
He nods, a few more tears spilling down his cheeks, looking like diamonds on his pale skin. "So will I. I'll never forget what it feels like to love you, Frankie."
You don't realize you're crying until he reaches out to wipe the tears away from your face.
You both jump as the radio comes on. Damn Bob. He's not even on the bus, and he's set the fucking thing to come on at 6 am. Nice surprise for whoever's here and trying to sleep.
Your eyes meet as the singer's voice floats through the quiet morning air.
"I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same
I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same ...."
His voice is quiet, his eyes locked on yours. "I won't, Frankie. I'll never be the same." His words are barely whispered. "Thank you for changing my life and letting me love you."
"I won't either." Your words are just as soft as his. "Thank you for loving me."
He moves away from you then, sliding back across the seat. But he's still holding your hand.
There's still that bond between you. It'll always be there. It's just shifted, changed. That's the thing about life. It's constantly changing. The fact that it always changes is the one thing you can't change.
Maybe your relationship with Mikey will change. Who knows? You can't predict the future. You don't have a crystal ball. You don't even have one of those cheesy Magic 8 Balls.
But you've got people who love you. And that's never going to change.