My Gift To You

Chapter Seventeen: Why Do I Feel So Alone In a Crowd Of People I Know?

He wondered how long it would take him to crack by staring at nothing. Maybe a couple of hours with the silence around him, the kind of silence that a morgue could only wish to make. It was both comforting and paranoia generating, but Benji stayed where he was nonetheless.

Currently at work, laying on his back in the Christmas section on his break, he cranked up his CD player two more notches and let Placebo attempt to soothe him. He was on his break. Because he wasn’t hungry, Benji had taken a rest from setting up the fake Evergreens and surrounded himself in the warmth that was Kohls’s annual themed Christmas tree forest. Just for the fun of it he had his upper body under a nice, thick tree and looked up at the lights and other decorations, mesmerized by the carefully crafted Peanuts characters dancing, skating and sledding throughout the boughs of the tree.

It didn’t bother him that he was grounded for a month. He couldn’t care less about only being able to leave the house for school, work and grocery shopping. Benji loved the idea of finally having band practice in his own garage, it saved him time getting from one place to another. It didn’t settle well with him, though, the look on his mother’s face when he came home early and told her about what had happened. She was disappointed to the point of breaking, not able to understand why he was the only son of hers that got into these situations regardless of standing up for the underdog. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her why.

Luckily he didn’t sustain any more injuries to his face or any other part of his body, he was able to go into work and not have anyone grill him. Since the episode on his first day, no one dared to talk to Benji and he was happy with that more often than not. Right about now, though, he could really use a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to even if they didn’t care. He needed to let it all out, to scream and kick and punch pillows. He would go to the extreme of talking to a stuffed animal in the toy section, but that wasn’t in his stalking ground this night.

His back was starting to hurt and he flew past the danger zone of getting “Nancy Boy” stuck in his head a long time ago. Not wanting to get into trouble, Benji slid out from under the tree and stood up, turning off his CD player. After a few long stretches, he checked his watch and groaned. He still had another fifteen minutes left before he had to get back to work.

“Stupid thirty minute break rule,” Benji muttered and started his long trek to the employee’s lounge. His feet were dragging on the floor like they always did when he walked, but somehow he never noticed that until now. As he was making his way across the store to the vending machine without much in them, as every atom of oxygen entered his lungs and left as carbon dioxide and as he blinked to keep his eyes hydrated he became more and more aware of what he did wrong.

Before the incident with Billy in the car Benji had been fully aware of most of his flaws, but now they all seemed to jump out at him. Five steps and he was being blind-sided by the millions of blemishes he carried, seven and he seemed to be drowning in it all, nine and it felt like he was an asthmatic claustrophobe in a wooden coffin. He didn’t understand why this was happening, all he knew was that he couldn’t bring his mind to a stop.

Benji slouched horribly, he looked at the floor when he was walking, he was breathing through his mouth, his hands were too small and fat while his feet were too long, he never wore his belts tight enough to actually put them to use, everything he could possibly think of he was doing wrong. He was terribly wrong from start to finish, the most flawed person that has ever and will ever be.

At the rate this was going, he’d most likely kill himself when he passed the bed linen section: smother himself with a pillow or zip his head in one of the plastic quilt containers. He probably wouldn’t even be able to kill himself correctly. A sigh raced out of him, completely amiss from its proper form.

Perhaps this was why he could never hold a relationship together (or lack thereof). A human defect couldn’t possibly keep any form of relationship together for a long time, didn’t matter how hard he could try. His realizations of just how fucked up he was made Benji feel even more worthless, he wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and die. Of course, if he did die he’d probably find a way to kill himself all over again because he would leave his family with nothing.

So he was a stupid, flawed child trying desperately to take care of his family when he couldn’t look after himself. That’s what he was in one simple sentence. If he didn’t hate his father before, he did now. The fucking fucker walked out on him, leaving him broken. Because his father had left him, Benji had to grow up too quickly, skipping a few crucial life lesson learning points along the way. Because he father abandoned him, Benji had to work himself to the bone to be able to have all the things other people better off took for granted. The wanker had took the easy way out, moving away and probably starting another family just to leave them when the pressure got to be too much. The piece of shit had set off a chain reaction that would go on until Benji died.

He listened to Love Line, he read books, Benji knew what would happen in later years. It was already starting to happen, him abandoning people in efforts to fix things. Even though he really hadn’t done anything with that girl, Billy looked at things in foresight and cut things off before Benji would actually do something like that. While Benji was sitting in his hole, Billy would be able to get on with his life and find someone better, be happy.

But going back, picking apart the picture to put the blame on the correct person to blame, Benji was the one who had caused his father’s rapid departure. If he could have kept his mouth shut none of this would have happened! No one needed to know about him being gay, it was only the death blow to his already fragile life. There was no need to have walked into that garage, pulled his father aside and to have told him to truth. He was only a kid, what did he know about his sexuality? Maybe he still only thought he was gay. Maybe he was fucking with himself to prove a point: that he was straight. He didn’t really enjoy kissing Billy, he didn’t like receiving a blow job from him…it was a test to himself. The feelings he was feeling weren’t really genuine, it was an act to see what it would be like if he was homosexual. It was like It’s a Wonderful Life. Not real. Just a gimmick to make him appreciate, in his case, his heterosexuality.

That’s what it was, what it had to be.

The unscripted, ad-libbed play of his life was coming in order. At least he made it seem like it was. In order to focus on what was important, Benji needed to stop thinking about what wasn’t. He wasn’t in love with Billy, he didn’t even know what love was. He was seventeen, too young to think that he knew absolutely everything.

‘Reality check, Mr. Madden: you don’t know everything so stop thinking like you do and go back to supporting your family. The more you think about this, the deeper your rut is going to be and before you can say Vitavetavegamin the rest of your world will shatter into a million other pieces to go along with the remnants of your life. Just keep running from the ghost of your raped childhood and stop looking back.

Billy isn’t worth all of this. He isn’t worth losing everything you’ve ever known over a word you don’t truly know the definition of. If you go after him now you’re going to end up like the mentally challenged people [when it comes to life] and slit your wrists when something doesn’t go your way. You’ve already thought about that once and look at what happened: you put yourself into this teenage angst ridden sardine can. Take a few seconds to look at reality. Not the reality you made up for yourself, but the real damned thing. You’re working too hard to achieve a goal some tell you is never going to happen to see what’s right in front of your face. Stop wallowing in your shit and start running towards that bus you missed because you shut your eyes to it.’

Suddenly it felt like Benji was in another world, like Alice when she went through the looking glass. At first glance it seemed the same, but the longer he stared at his surroundings the more different they became. It unnerved him, sent a tremor down his spine along with the last bits of confusion his system could make before it collapsed like an overworked, overpressured dog at a stunt competition.

It was like an out-of-body experience only not, for no other person around him seemed to notice what was going on. He was looking at himself, Benjamin #2 moving his left hand in exactly the same way as the original’s. Surely Benji was dreaming all of this, he never really heard the voice in his head telling him what to do and he certainly never saw this. It was impossible. Just plain impossible. He wasn’t really looking at himself, the sunken and depressed looking kid only three feet to the north, because in reality he had just fallen asleep under the Christmas tree and the repeating song had finally gotten to him.

With a blink the apparition was gone and Benji felt like…no. He didn’t feel anything, not even confusion over what had just happened. He had to be feeling something, even numb is an emotion. Clarity, maybe. Yes, that was it—he had just forgotten what clarity felt like because it had been so long since he had been in that frame of mind. But what did he understand? It took him several minutes to search through the files of his brain, find the answer.

Billy was worth every last bit of this. In time Benji would see this, be confirmed that without Billy all of this was pointless and wouldn’t mean anything. The fame, the money, the fans, the recignition—none of that piqued Benji’s interest if he couldn’t share it with Billy.

God, he needed a drink or a smoke or both. All those epiphanies in less than an hour were a little too much to take.

-

When he got home, Benji did his usual rounds and opened the door to his bedroom gently, fully expecting Joel to be asleep under his bed covers with his normal line of drool working its way down the young man’s mouth and onto his pillow. He was rather shocked when the light from the bare light bulbs in the “ceiling fixture” caused his pupils to contract. Closing the door when he slid into the room, Benji looked at the other man who was standing in the middle of the room.

Joel was practically jumping up and down, the grin on his face so wide that Benji wouldn’t be surprised if his brother’s face ached. He also looked like Hell, like he had stayed up for hours drinking only large amounts of caffeine to keep him awake. When he didn’t give any kind of explanation for being awake at this hour, Benji raised his eyebrows.

“Is there a reason as to why you’re still up with that stupid look or your face or…?”

Incoherent, Joel said a few things before running over to his twin and wrapping his arms around him. He spoke a mile a minute. “We got signed! Well, not yet, but we have an appointment to audition or whatever you want to call it for Epic Records in New York City! Can you believe it?” He was ecstatic. The poor thing, he took things too seriously.

“It was just another joke, Joely, the guy wasn’t being serious. We’ve gone through this enough times, you’d think you would know by now.”

Joel shook his head, pulling out of the one-sided embrace. “But, you see, it wasn’t! They called while we were at work, left their number when Mom asked to take a message. I called them back when I got home. It really was them! I swear to God, it was them! I even had to go through twenty minutes of holding, getting the right number for the correct Sony BMG label branch and everything!”

Benji took time to soak in what his brother was saying. “All right, but how…how’d they hear about us? We sent them a demo once and they never got back to us.”

He was speaking even faster by this point. “It didn’t get to them, you know how to mail is. I mean, it did get to them, but for one reason or another no one ever listened to the tape—maybe it got broken being shipped, it was in a plain envelope after all, I don’t know—so that’s why they never called us back. Well—”

“Slow down. Take a breath.”

Joel nodded and started again, much slower this time. “There were talent scouts at the battle of the bands, right? Seems that happens a lot of the time: the companies get the interns to do the grunt work and come back with information about all the new talent they think might do the label well. So there was a scout somewhere in our—well, not our—audience, right? She thinks we might have something they’re looking for and jotted our name down and went back to Epic with the tape—all the scouts record the bands’ songs—and gave it to the boss. He liked our stuff, too. When I called him back he said that we have a flavor…didn’t say what kind of flavor, or maybe he did, I was too excited to listen too all of that carefully. Mr. Morris asked us if we had any free days after the holiday season and I said yeah. He wants us to fly up there on the 3rd of January.”

“That’s all well and good, but you know we don’t have the money,” Benji explained.

“Oh, that’s all taken care of. He’s going to buy each of our tickets and get us a room at a hotel,” Joel replied with a wave of his hand, like that wasn’t as big of a deal as it really was. “I already told the guys. They’re thrilled, but…you need to talk to Billy. He’s still really upset about whatever you said to him that night. I get the feeling that he’s not going to come if you and he don’t patch things up. What in God’s name did you do to him?”

Benji shrugged. “Some people can’t take criticism well.”

One side of Joel’s mouth moved to the side, one eyebrow rising slightly above the other one like he didn’t believe what Benji had said. “Oh. Okay. Talk to him tomorrow—sorry, today—it’s the last day before Christmas break and he said something about going on vacation then.”

-

They sat down on the bike racks in spots where they brushed the snow off, as far away from anyone else as possible. Rightly so, for he was taken out of eating his peanut butter bar, Billy huffed angrily and turned his head away from Benji. He bent down and picked up some snow from the lawn behind him and played with it in his hands, looking everywhere except the man sitting on his left.

Benji cleared his throat, staring at the frozen water his companion was messing with. “Joel told me you know about the…appointment with Epic?”

Billy only nodded shortly. The air he exhaled formed large clouds of fog around his head, drifting away and dissipating in the cold air. They were both glad they had stopped at their lockers to grab their coats. If they were going to bite off each other’s heads, at least they’ll be warm doing it.

“He has a feeling like you’re not coming because of me?”

A shrug for a reply.

“I don’t see why you’re so upset. I didn’t lie to you.”

Finally Billy started to speak: “I know that this record deal is huge. I’m looking forward to it, but I don’t want to go if I have to be around you, knowing what you did.”

“I told you that nothing happened. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie and tell you that I did fuck her?”

Billy winced, either at the words Benji spoke or the tone in which he had said them. “No, that’s not the point. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what are you talking about, Billy, huh? Give me something. If this isn’t about that girl I didn’t have sex with, I don’t know what it is about!”

The snowball Billy had formed hit the ground, thrown there out of annoyance and anger. “You could have done nothing, just walked by and let him talk. Why did you attack him like that? Why’d you have to stand up for me again?”

“Because you can’t stand up for yourself, that’s why. I wouldn’t have hit those two guys if you could just grow the balls to call them out. You do it once and no one would do that to you again, but since you’re too chickenshit I have to do it for you. If you get so fucking upset about this, do it for yourself! So much for doing a good deed here and there,” Benji spat.

Billy stood up. “At least they know who I am, not some façade! If anything, Benji, you’re the one who can’t stand up for himself.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve heard right. I said you’re the one who can’t stand up for himself. Sure, I let people walk all over me, but I’m glad they do. I’m glad they know I’m the little gay boy and not some freak. I’m not the one who goes to a restroom infested with cockroaches to change clothes, just to be excepted by Mommy Dearest or the people your own age! I’m not the one who protects the same people he’s too afraid to admit himself being! Everyone knows about you, Benji—everyone—it’s not going to be some breaking news flash if you ever get enough courage to admit what and who you are!”

Benji got to his feet, standing up to his full height to seem a little more intimidating. “I’ll fucking scream from the rooftops that I’m a mother fucking fag, I’ll tell everyone in breath’s reach that I’m in love with you, whatever the fuck you want me to do. Anything if it’ll mean that you’ll fucking believe me when I say that I’m not lying, that I don’t mean to hurt you! Is that good enough or should I scream louder, make sure the people in New York City can hear me loud and clear, know what they have coming their way?” He watched Billy as he blared, kept going even though he received no answer to his question, screamed even louder: “Yes, I’m a faggot! I’m the fucked up gay son who made his father leave! I’m the gay son who’s going to make his mother have a heart attack after throwing him out in the cold when she finds out! I’ve fucked a guy I’ve never liked—” his voice wavered “—and I’m in madly love with some kid who I can never seem to stop treating like shit! Is that good enough for you? Will I ever be good enough for you?”

And abruptly he stopped, a lump forming in his throat the longer the silence around him stayed. Benji’s knees were shaking, not from the cold but the undeniable fact that everyone heard him, that the people who didn’t hear will be told from the other kids that were outside while it happened. He watched as Billy looked for words, his eyes not on Benji but the students no doubt looking at the situation.

It was a train wreck. No, far worse than a train wreck. At least in a train wreck there’s a chance that one will die, but not here. It was too warm for hypothermia, impossible to actually die of embarrassment or hurt, no way out of this. All Benji could hope for was that he was having a vivid nightmare, that he had fallen asleep in Physics again and he’d wake up any moment and be in the class room with Mrs. Heinen threatening him with detention, but it didn’t happen. It would never happen, yet he shut his eyes tightly anyway praying that the world would melt away and he wouldn’t have to face what was hiding just out of sight.