I Won't See You Tonight

--Breanne--

I woke up around 4am. Everyone was crowded in the hotel room, all of them sleeping on the floor, except for Zacky who was sleeping next to me. He wasn’t holding me like he usually does, he probably figured I wouldn’t be comfortable.

To tell the truth, I wish he’d held me. I desperately needed to feel safe, and his embrace was the only this that could do that for me right now… I needed to just lay with him, breathe him in… I needed to get the flashbacks out of my head.

I could still feel him…

My body ached, I felt like someone had taken a bat to my lower half. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt filthy.

As much as it hurt, I walked to the hotel bathroom, careful not to wake anyone.

Once inside I shut the door softly and locked it before sitting with my back against it. I pulled my knees to my chest. The only thing I could emit were dry sobs, I had no tears left to shed. I had no dignity, and no will to live. My friends were my reason to stay, but my emotions were over whelming.

I spent the rest of the night whimpering, trying to will myself into nonexistence. “Please,” I kept saying over and over, crying harder. At this point, my tears were falling again. “Please, just kill me. Kill me… I can’t do this, I can’t deal with this. I’ve been through so much, I’m done… You win!” I cried to a God I’ve never believed in. “Just let me die… I just want to die,” I sobbed.

There was a metal nail file on the sink, screaming my name… Taunting me with it’s promises of death.

It was only sharp enough to make shallow cuts… Too blunt to do any serious damage.

This only made me cry harder. “I can’t even kill myself!” I squeaked, before banging my head against the door and repeating the process until I blacked out.

--Zacky--

I had heard a banging from the bathroom and I noticed Bree wasn’t in the bed. My heart raced as nightmares played in my mind.

By the time I got the door opened I found her alone, thankfully…

Unfortunately, she had slipped into unconsciousness and had more than a dozen bloody cuts on each wrist. “Oh fuck,” I mumbled before picking her up and carrying her to the bed.

I woke Matt up and explained her state to him before he drove her and I to the hospital.

She obviously wasn’t willing to wait until the morning.

--Breanne--

I woke up in white, brightly lit room. My arms were bandaged and the pain in my lower half was gone… Actually, I didn’t feel to upset about last night.

However, it was only because of the morphine they were pumping into my blood. I must have just received the dose, because within five minutes--- though the pain was still gone--- I felt broken inside.

I began crying, causing Zacky to wake up in the chair next to me. “Baby,” he said looking pitiful. If you were to ask me who was suffering more at the moment, looking at his face, I could honestly tell you I wasn’t sure.

“Zacky,” I managed to choke out. “Zacky, tell me it’s all going to be okay.”

He sat next to me on the hospital bed and held me close, kissing my head. “What do you think?” he asked calmly. His tone didn’t say yes, and didn’t say no. I shook my head. It wouldn’t be, there was nothing that could ever change what had happened. He kissed my head again, “You can get passed this, you can baby… You will… It’s not going to be easy… I’m not going to lie to you and say that you’ll forget about this someday, because that would be impossible… But please” he said starting to cry, “please don’t leave me. Please try to live, I need you.”

I nodded and sobbed into his chest, “What happened… Why did he do this to me?” I asked.

“He’s gone Bree… Mentally, Brian is no longer there. There’s some completely different person there now…” he answered. “Brian began to leave when your aunt’s car was hit, babe… It just took him ten years to give up, and let psychosis take over,” Zacky said softly, rocking me back and forth.

“He was the only one in my family that gave a shit…” I sobbed. “Zacky, what if he---”

He put a finger to my lips, “Shh… He won’t,” he promised. “It’s over now baby, he’ll never hurt you again…”

I cried as two uniformed officers came into the room, “We’re going to need to speak with you Ms. Haner.”