Mending Hearts

Jay sniffled a few more times before picking his phone back up. He couldn't stand the pain he was still feeling, even after his long cry. He had to get it out of his system. He had to talk it out. He punched in the numbers quickly and waited for an answer.

"Hello, Jeffhe hhe half whispered into the phone. "It's Jay."

"Jay?" the Southern drawl came sleepily through the receiver. "I didn't recognize your voice. What's wrong?"

"Matt's fine."

"I figured that," Jeff replied. "I meant what's wrong with you."

Jay was quiet for a while, trying to collect his thoughts. He didn't want to just start babbling, even though he knew Jeff would understand. He'd always understood. In fact, Jeff tried to take Adam's place as Jay's friend and confidant after the break. And, surprisingly, he was able to ground Jay and keep him from going off the deep end completely. Jay had always envied Shannon a little for his place as Jeff's best friend. Jeff was very loyal to him and would never have done anything to jeopardize Shannon's trust. Not like Adam. Jeff was the only one he could go to with his pain now.

"Adam just called me."

"Adam called you?" Jeff was instantly alert. "What'd he say?"

Jay paused again. He had to be careful not to bring his jealously of Shannon into the conversation. Jeff would understand it, but he would also argue for the small blond. And Jay needed Jeff more right now than Shannon, so he didn't want to offend him unnecessarily. When he decided he'd had himself under control he continued. He recounted the conversation with Adam, leaving out the bit about Shannon. Jeff listened attentively and sympathetically.

"So, I don't know what to think," Jay ended his story.

"What's there for you to think?" Jeff asked. "You should let him do all of that."

"All of what?"

"The thinking, the explaining," the younger Hardy listed. "He was the one who caused the pain, he should be the one to make it right."

Jay was quiet.

"It's Shannon that's got you upset this time, isn't it?" Jeff asked.

Jay shook his head, unseen by Jeff, in annoyance. He should have known better than to try to keep something from his friend. Jeff could see right through him and often did. It helped in times when Jay was in too much pain to think for himself. But right now it was downright irritating. How did he do that? Jay sighed and tried to think of the best way to answer Jeff's query. Finally, he just gave in.

"I know it's not Shannon's fault, Jeff," he sniffled. "I really do. But why couldn't Adam have loved me enough to feel that way about me when we were together?"

Jeff was the one to hold his tongue this time. Jay silently waited for his response. He hoped and prayed the other man wouldn't start defending the small blond. It was so important that Jeff not reject him for Shannon right now.

"I think he did love you in his way," Jeff finally said. "I don't think it has anything to do with him loving Shannon more."

Jay was relieved by Jeff's insightful response, but his heart plunged when he heard his friend refer to Adam's love for Shannon. Inside, Jay knew it was probably true. But he never wanted to admit to it.

"He just wasn't ready give up his security for you just yet."

"Well, when would he ever have been?" Jay demanded.

"Truthfully?" Jeff asked, apparently expecting no answer. Jeff never sugarcoated the truth for Jay in the past. It was one of things Jay respected most. "I don't think he ever would have if you hadn't left him."

Jay's stomach lurched. So there it was. And it was the truth. There was never any hope of saving that relationship. Adam had grown too comfortable with the status quo and could only be shocked into action. Jay never stood a chance. The tears began falling again down his cheek as he listened to Jeff's soothing voice comforting him as always, letting him know that he was important and not as worthless as he was feeling. Just like old times.

**********************************

Adam stared at the phone dejectedly. How could he fix this mess with Jay when the other man couldn't even speak to him without becoming reduced to tears? Adam knew he'd been a complete and utter bastard to Jay when they were together. He didn't try to deny it. But this conversation hammered it home that much more. How could he even begin to think he deserved another chance at love when he'd massacred the last one so savagely? And was there a danger that he could repeat the process with Shannon? No. That would be the final tragic end to the young blond's heart. He had to avoid hurting him at all costs.

But Jay was right. Adam remembered the times he pushed his lover away when Jay only wanted comfort or affection. He did berate Jay for any little touch given in public, regardless of whether it seemed romantic or just friendly. Hell, he'd let Jericho and Matt touch him more than Jay. The other man had done nothing more than try to show him how much he loved him. And Adam, worried about others' perceptions, shunned him. It was little comfort that when he finally did come out of the closet to his family they accepted it well and told him that his happiness was most important to them. It was already too late to save his relationship. Jay had already closed himself off emotionally to Adam and refused to let him back in.

He knew the final fight was the last straw for Jay. He'd been begging Adam for months to commit to at least a casual relationship in public. Adam steadfastly refused, saying it would kill his mother. The hollow, defeated look that appeared in Jay's eyes still haunted him after all of this time. That's when the distance really began to become noticeable. They went through the motions of their closeted relationship for a few more months, but no matter what Adam said or did, Jay stopped responding.

Finally, the last blowout fight happened. Jay said if Adam couldn't commit to an actual relationship, there was no reason to continue. He was tired of playing the closeted concubine to Adam's sultan. Adam was shocked that the other man set down such a final dictate. He couldn't remember a time when Jay wasn't a part of his life and didn't really believe his lover would go through with it. When Jay moved out, Adam still thought he would come around eventually.

Months passed and Jay would avoid him at work except when they had to plan matches, perform or do publicity. Adam tried to apologize and beg forgiveness, but Jay would only give him the hollow stare. When Adam finally told his family, he was relieved and thought that Jay would return to him when he told him. It didn't happen, though. Jay only muttered, "Good for you." And walked away. Away from Adam for good. The taller Canadian knew then that the rift couldn't be repaired and he was too late.

Now Jay wasn't even willing to try to mend their friendship. Adam thought that if enough time elapsed he could at least get that back. But again, Jay was denying him. He meant what he'd said apparently. Jay actually felt there was nothing left worth salvaging from the whole mess. And, worse, he even believed that the only reason Adam wanted to make any amends at all was to preserve his chances at a real relationship with Shannon, something Jay had pled for from Adam numerous times over the years.

Adam had truly broken Jay during their final months together, and he hadn't even tried to preserve his feelings. Why then should Jay care about Adam's feelings? And would he really stop Matt from hurting Shannon, a man perceived to be his successor, again? It was obvious Jay wasn't expecting a relationship at this point. But he was probably also hoping Adam didn't get Shannon. So, not only did Adam have to worry about repeating his own past behavior and hurting Shannon himself. He now had to worry about his former lover's intentions, too.

The door clicked open and Shannon walked into the room, followed by Terry and Chris. They all took one look at Adam and knew the mood had drastically changed from earlier that day. But Chris and Terry knew what had probably caused it. The small blond did not. He looked at his roommate carefully, seeming like he was trying to decide how to greet him. And Adam tried to paste on a neutral expression in order to make sure that Shannon didn't find out what had happened. He needed time to sort his own past behavior out from his true self. He needed to be sure he wasn't a bigger danger to Shannon than Matt.