Adjusting

JC wasn't sure how but the better part of the week seemed to fly by in a companionable silence. Okay, the silence was mostly on his part. Marshall and Hailie were regular motor mouths. Even though Marshall had told him about the studio, several days ago he'd yet to go inside it. Maybe it was the quiet calm, or the routine they'd developed but he had no desire to lock himself away anymore. Or maybe it was because he knew deep inside that if he did lose himself in the music one of two things would happen: either the memories would overwhelm him or he'd stay lost. He was capable of it. He'd done it before when he was younger. His mother had once believed he was autistic. He'd get distracted by the melodies in his head and forget there was a world outside his head. He'd done it with Justin, he admitted to himself.

He lay there and let the thought sink in. He'd hidden inside his mind, away from his lover. A bitter smile crossed his face, and he rolled over. It hadn't happened often, but the fact that it had was enough. He hadn't recognized it for what it was. All the times the guys had worried about his zoning. Justin trying to assure them he was just 'spacey'. Chris actually calling his mom. At the time he'd been glad she'd only confirmed Justin's opinion instead of telling all of it. But he wonders now if maybe she'd said something to Chris might things have been different? JC snorted, yanking the blankets up. Yeah, right. At that point there'd been no way he was leaving Justin. Hell, they hadn't even been involved yet.

The familiar knock came and when Marshall stuck his head in, he was unbelievably grateful for the distraction.

After his alarm clock had left JC climbed out of the bed, heading for the shower. Beneath the warm spray his thoughts drifted. He wondered how the guys were dealing with his absence. He really should call and let them know he was okay. Except a tiny part of him didn't want to. He was safe here. Hard as it was to imagine. Eminem made him feel safe; JC snickered at the thought. When it tried to become a sob, he choked it off. Shutting of the shower, he hurried to get dressed and head downstairs. Determined not to give into the madness.

~~~*~~~
He paused in the kitchen doorway, watching father and daughter making breakfast. It was a comforting sight. It always gave him a warm feeling to not only be allowed to see this but be apart of it.

"Mr. Josh," squealed Hailie as she bounced on her stool. "Guess what?"

"Uh, you got a puppy?" he asked, mischievously. He knew Marshall was barely escaping getting her one by the skin of his teeth.

Marshall looked up from the pan of eggs. A scowl on his face. He glared at the kid. Chasez only grinned wickedly at him. Marshall hid his own grin.

Hailie scowled, briefly. "Not yet. But we're going to the movies. We're gonna see Monsters, Inc."

JC blinked, slowly. Going out? He shuddered at the thought. Actually leave his safe haven? Venture outside where anyone and everyone could see him. He didn't think so.

Marshall turned away from the stove, and stilled as he caught the tremor that rolled through the kid. He could see the eyes start to get a little wild. For a second he wanted to scream in frustration. JC was developing new issues left and right, before they'd even dealt with the first ones. Stomping down on the urge to throw something, he dished out the eggs. "Actually, Hailie. It's just you and me today."

Hailie frowned. "No, Mr. Josh?"

JC stilled, relief flooding him as he realized he wouldn't have to go out. Just as quickly it turned to sadness. Of course, Marshall wouldn't want him with them. Why would anyone want him around? He was a pathetic head case. Marshall had all ready done more than anyone could rightfully expect. He'd gone beyond being a decent guy.

"Why can't Mr. Josh go?" Hailie nearly whined.

Marshall was glad he'd all ready set the pan down as he watched the kid shrink in on himself. He had a good idea what Joshua was thinking. He knew that looked of resigned acceptance to rejection. He glanced over at his pouting daughter. Two queens, he thought.

"Honey, Josh is more than welcome to go with us," he said meeting the kid's eyes. Hoping the sentiment was conveyed. "I just thought he'd like a little bit of privacy. To have the house to himself for the day." He knew JC had gotten it by the tiny smile that appeared.

JC was torn between relief and apprehension. Glad that Marshall apparently welcomed his company. But definitely reluctant to leave the house. "Maybe next time, Hail." JC offered hesitantly.

Marshall knew evasion when he heard it. And while he'd been concentrating on not letting the kid fade away, he also wasn't going to let him become a recluse. "Definitely next time," insisted Marshall, gaze steady on Joshua.

JC shifted nervously beneath the look. He knew what that meant coming from Marshall. The man had just added another goal to his fix JC kick. At times JC didn't know whether to be elated or depressed. This stranger's caring was more than he'd ever had from Justin. Even before Justin had changed. It was nothing so obvious as affection. Just this sort of intense looking after, like he was a stray. Depending on his state of mind, it either made him feel good at least someone saw him as being worthwhile. Or it forcibly reminded him of the fact that he was to be pitied. At this moment, it felt good.


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His thoughts that morning had been melancholic and bitter. So, he shouldn't have been surprised when the silence started to get to him. He tried to keep himself busy. Finally venturing into the studio for the first time, an hour or two after they'd been gone.

He sat at the board playing with some beats Marshall had on the recorder. Even managed to remember one of the songs he'd been working on for the new CD. That kept him occupied for all of an hour. Then driven by a restlessness he couldn't escape, he left the studio. Needing to be distracted, and suddenly curious about his temporary home he began to wander the house. He started at the top, working his way through all three floors methodically. It took him a good two hours to examine the place.

But he couldn't seem to escape the gathering thoughts. And it didn't take long for JC to curl up in his chair after the pair had left, seeking some shade of the comfort he usually found in the room.

Hesitantly, he let his thoughts wonder. At first they were pleasant. Things, moments, conversations from over the last week and a half, flowed through his thoughts. Marshall figured prominently in his thoughts. He slowly examined the events leading up to this 'thing' they had. In his mind's eye, he saw Marshall that first night, way back in December. The avid curiosity. He frowned as a memory played at the edges of his memories; something about the A.M.As. Marshall had made some off hand comment earlier in the week about his maybe doing some collaborations. Had it really been off the cuff or had Marshall been there? JC dismissed the thought. Yeah, like Em had been thinking about him all that time. But then again at the Grammy's it was almost like he'd been expecting Justin to....

Just at the thought of his ex his body reacted, feet sliding up until they were tucked beneath him. He hugged his knees to his chest, hiding his face in the hollow space. Justin. JC whimpered, a high distressed sound. He suddenly felt like the kicked dog Marshall had thought him. Hell, he wasn't even sure he felt that together. A dog at least would've eventually bit back. He's not sure he would have.

Justin had hurt him. On purpose. Of that JC was certain as sick as the thought made him. He knew he was being taught a lesson. He was Justin's. Then. Now. Forever. He was owned body and soul. He was being taught, all right. It just turned out not to be the lesson Justin thought he'd learn. No, what he'd learned was what Marshall had been trying to teach that night. He was an abused mate. The one who should only love him, hurt him. What did I do wrong, he wailed silently. The slow slide of tears jolted him out of his introspection. He wiped angrily at them, shooting to his feet. No. I will not give into this.

He glanced around in surprised dismay, to find he'd been lost inside his head long enough for the world outside to have grown dark. He looked over at the clock, muttering in disgust at the fact that three hours had gone by. He paced the room suddenly desperate for Marshall and Hailie to come home. He needed them to keep sane. Being here alone, trying to hold back the darkness was killing him. Needing something, anything to distract him he strode into the kitchen. Dinner. He'd make dinner. He clung to the thought like a lifeline.

Marshall had banned him from baking but he could make spaghetti. He searched through the cabinets for the things he'd need. As he worked, he hummed unconsciously. He set a medium sized pot on the stove, and set it to boil. Ingredients gathered he chopped up the onions, and peppers. Set them aside to brown the meat. Unable to stand the silence he began to sing.


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Marshall glared down at his giggling daughter as he dug out his keys. She hadn't quit since they'd left the Wal-mart. Every time her eyes landed on the bags of coffee she'd start up again.

Hailie ignored her growling father. She thought it was really nice that he'd gotten the fancy coffee for Mr. Josh.

Finding his keys, Marshall unlocked the door pushing inside. A few steps in and he froze, holding Hailie still. Hailie's head cocked to the side as the sounds reached her too. "Is that Mr. Josh," she asked, eyes wide. "He sounds like a Disney movie." Her voice was filled with awe. That was the highest compliment in Hailie's opinion.

Marshall could only nod as the old Kansas song rang through the house. JC's voice was unbelievable, a painfully beautiful wail of mourning. He held Hailie still until his voice faded out, not wanting to scare him into stopping. When Josh started singing Joplin, Marshall decided it was time to intervene. Though he really didn't want to, he had some serious chops. Real power behind his vocals. "Josh we're home," he yelled. The singing stopped abruptly. Too late Joshua, he thought as he and Hailie made their way to the kitchen.

He stilled in surprise again. JC was making dinner. And it smelled good.

JC turned around. Dark blue eyes meeting his. Marshall felt something stir deep inside, at once familiar and unfamiliar. He shook it off, taking in the slight tremor in the lean frame. Josh looked one step from freaking out. Marshall was glad he'd made the arrangements with the shrink. As much good as just getting away was doing him, he obviously needed professional help. "Why don't you sing like that on your albums, kid?" He asked, setting the bags on the table.

JC shrugged, moving up beside him. They unloaded the groceries together. Neither noticing the unconscious ease with which they worked around each other. "It's there, if you'd give us a chance."

Marshall snorted, moving over to the steaming pot of sauce. He took an appreciative sniff. "Naw. All I hear is the Diva. Then again, that's probably why. Timberfuck hogging all the spot light," he paused, eyes lifting to JC to see how he reacted to talk of his ex.

JC grimaced, then sighed. It wasn't like that. Not really. They were a group. It's just happened that Justin was the baby. It had become habit yours to give him what he wanted. They all did it to an extent. Besides "Makes the teenies happy," he offered, quietly. Shifting uncomfortably, ready to leave thoughts of Justin to his subconscious.

"Yeah, un-huh. This stuffy ready," he asked, watching Hailie squirming in her chair. He could hear her little stomach rumbling.

"Yeah," answered JC, sitting out the plates. "I don't mix it. 'Cause Joe never did when he taught me. Said that way everyone got to decide how much sauce they wanted."

Marshall grunted, serving himself and Hailie. He went to the fridge grabbing a couple of sodas. They ate silently for a while. Or not so silently Hailie babbled on blissfully unaware of the tension.

Marshall spoke when she stopped for breath. "Why don't you give that Stapp guy a call? Do something on your own."

JC blinked astounded. Marshall actually had been there. And obviously very aware of him. "How did you..."

"I see everything. Hear everything," Marshall smirked.

"What you a ninja now?"

Marshall struck a pose; Hailie started giggling again. JC rolled his eyes.

"So," grunted Marshall, as he stood.

"What?"

Marshall shot him a look. JC flushed looking away, gathering up his plate and Hailie's. Marshall took them, sticking them into the dishwasher.

"I'll think about it," muttered JC.