Dangerous Play

By: scarecrowslady

folder J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop › D

Rating: Adult +

Chapters: 20

Views: 2,608

Reviews: 4

Recommended: 0

Currently Reading: 0

Category: J-Rock/J-Pop & K-Pop › D

Rating: Adult +

Chapters: 20

Views: 2,608

Reviews: 4

Recommended: 0

Currently Reading: 0

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction. Ergo: not real or factual. I do not know D (or any other jrock band) and I am not gaining profit from this!

Under my Wings

Thanks to Asp for their lyrics used in the chapter's titles. Also, this is fanfiction = not real + for free. Enjoy~

Dangerous Play

Chapter 19: Struggles

"Be good and stop your struggles dangling on your patterned strings...

I shush my baby snuggled in the nest under my wings"

He was bored. Already. After an hour and a half. So he sat there and moodily downed one glass of wine after another. It was some kind of light but sweet stuff which he rather thought was more water than actual alcohol. He wondered if he could cut out early - seeing as the hosting band was not reappearing. So he wandered around aimlessly, until he found the den - a dark, comfortable room with a bit more bearable noise level. Not that loud music was foreign to him. He was after all a guitarist. Loud music and loss of hearing in later years was the obvious occupational hazard in his line of work. But it was nice to take a break from the dance music and enjoy some of the latest promotional vids. A few minutes later, the newest Syndrome vid came on - the same band which was hosting the party, according to a purple haired young man sitting in the largest arm chair.

He watched it with interest. Slowly growing interest as the face of the vocalist came into view on the screen.

It was him. The gentle, retiring, yet surprising lover in Tokyo.

"That's the vocalist?" He asked a man who stood beside him, making appreciative comments on Syndrome's productions.

"Hmm."

"What's his name?"

"Asagi," said the other. "Haven't you heard him before?"

"No."

"Well..." shrugged the roadie. "He's not popular - yet... but with that voice..."

They sat and listened to the music. It wasn't bad - but he came away with a feeling that he had only seen the tip of the iceberg. Watching that those familiar lips move - that more than familiar, lithe body - he wondered what other music his mysterious sex partner had created.

How strange, he thought. That it would be him. The one and the same. And yet... didn't they just make an announcement about...

"So they're breaking up, for real?" he asked.

"Yeah," someone nodded. "Crazy, huh?"

"It is a real shame. Just when he started to get a name for himself."

"I'm sure someone will snap Asagi-san up - if he doesn't do something for himself," the purple-haired musician shrugged. "Rui-chan definitely wants to stay with him."

There was light laughter and nodding heads - and for once, he felt a little out of his depth. But he nodded and said, "I wonder if he'll be needing a guitarist."

The others shrugged.

"I guess... who knows? Kisaki has a good eye for these things. Asagi-san was a two-bit Singer - but now... he could go places..."

"I wonder why Kisaki gave him up," he wondered aloud.

"Health, no doubt," another one said.

More meaningful glances.

"Life is hard for Kisaki - has always been... but he keeps returning to vis kei even though it can be... destructive..."

"Yeah - he's more than addicted to the visual."

More laughter.

"But, in the end, before going major, it all falls apart," another orange-haired rocker added. "These things happen."

"Yeah..."

He wondered if he would ever see the vocalist again. It reminded him of that night - the slow fire they had found between them - and in themselves.

Will Asagi-san give up? He wondered. Or will he press on? If he did stay - if he did carve out his own path, will I be able to join him?

It filled him with hope and resolve.

He would find Asagi - and at all costs prove his worth to stand at his side. Even if only as a friend.

-0-0-0-

"Saying I'm sorry doesn't cut it, really, I know."

The sound of scuffling feet on the hospital floor.

"Really inadequate... And I should say that I need your forgiveness. That I regret what had happened. I lost control - what can I say?"

A pause. Outside the partially opened hospital room door, nurses and doctors passed to and fro.

"But deep down - you and I know - I can't be sorry truly. Nor can I be sorry enough. It happened - it was a choice. A bad one, maybe. But... in the end..."

He sighed. The sleeper didn't stir as Kisaki's thumb gently strocked the back of the hand he held.

"In the end... it had to be - how else could I let you go? How else could you leave me so easily? With no ties, no sense of obligation, no guilt, no bonds of love - you can be free now..."

The bassist could feel his emotions riSing to the surface, tumultuous, dark and yet sad. It pulled on his mouth, tightened his throat and threatened to bring tears to his eyes - but he resisted.

"Free to - to - well... to have your roses, your candle-lit spaghetti dinners with the girl you will come to love - to have that white canopy bed..."

Here his hand strayed up to push back Asagi's long bangs away from his pale face.

"To grow professionally as a Singer in your own right, to find your own voice and make your own music - the music of your heart -"

He bent his head then, self-deprecatingly.

"Here I am, talking all mushy on you... and it's a shame... that it's going to be this way. And I wonder if we will ever be able to forget. No - I don't think we ever will - I know that I won't ever want to forget it - the good and the bad..."

Kisaki rose then, smoothed back Asagi's hair and kissed the man's forehead before leaving the room. Ruiza, standing at the door, said nothing. When Asagi woke, the first thing he recognized was the faint sweet fragrance of the red roses which stood by the head of his bed. And among the leaves, a small card.

'I am sorry.'

-0-0-0-

Two days later, Asagi left the hospital still aching and sore, yet determined to get his life back to some kind of normalcy. But when he returned, he found that he could no longer stand the quiet rooms that he had called home. The silences seemed to fill themselves too easily with the memories of Kisaki. Everything seemed to have memories attached to them - like price labels attached to merchandise.

The sofa -

Kisaki bending him over - giving him the punishment he deserved -

The pillows -

Kneeling before Kisaki, silk ropes sliding over his skin -

The kitchen counter -

A hand coming down to strike him -

Tea boxes -

Kisaki sipping slowly as he watched Asagi squirm -

The bed -

Asagi turned away sharply, sighing.

As the sun slowly set through the afternoon in the sky, the quiet seemed more unbearable. For some reason, the vocalist could still feel the usual tension - as though any minute, Kisaki would stride in and ask him what he thought he was doing, just sitting around. For so long, Kisaki had made the choices on what their evening entertainment would be, Asagi felt a little non-plussed by the emptiness of the night.

A movie seemed like the right idea – but after twenty minutes, he still found himself unable to relax. Sliding out gently from Mie's paws and gently assuring Donna with a small pat to the head, Asagi lowered the volume and went in search of something else to do.

In the end, he snagged his coat, left the apartment and found his way to the nearest church. It was a Catholic one, and passing through the doors, the pictures of the saints seemed to stare down heavily at him with disapproval as if to say, 'This is the presence of a most holy God, purify thyself of uncleanliness!' He lingered in the lobby, and then, hearing the monotone drone of service, found some kind of courage to step through and sit in the back.

The pew was hard and straight. Dark wood with his favourite kind of classical carvings along the backs and ends. The kneeling benches were softer - and, bent over folded hands, Asagi thought through his options. It was a kind of prayer.

A plea. For guidance and direction. For strength. For forgiveness.

Ruiza found him there, after the congregation had left. For a moment, the short blond considered his friend. Sitting there in the comfortable peace, eyes a little red and damp, staring down the aisle at the altar and pulpit.

"You okay?" The blond asked.

Asagi nodded.

"Good... good..." Ruiza didn't know what else to say. It all seemed so inadequate. Plus, he never felt comfortable talking in a foreign church. Even whispers seemed too loud. Besides, smoking something to calm his nerves was out of the question.

Asagi sighed and said, "How did you find me?"

"Saw you from a distance."

"Stalking me?"

"No," was Ruiza's quick reply, not wanting to unsettle the vocalist. "Just came for a visit and saw you leave your building - so I waited."

"Ah."

A pause. Then:

"Come to say, I told you so?"

"But I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Say I told you so."

"Hm."

"I mean, yes... I did warn you - but you made the decision as an adult and - and - well -"

"I made my bed, so I must lie in it," quoted Asagi softly in English.

"Eh?"

"Never mind."

"It's not your fault. Kisaki was totally out of line. If you want to take him to court, I'll back you all the -"

"No."

Awkward pause.

"That is," Asagi amended. "Thanks, but no thanks. You are right. I made the decision to go along with it. In the end, Kisaki gave me a choice - and I took the easy road -"

"Fuck, Asagi. If that's the easy road - what's the hard one? You were tied up! You were... bleeding... and you had no choice -"

"Well no - but - yes - no - I don't know - it's just that... Kisaki's just... I'm just glad that it's ended."

"Are you really?"

"Glad? Yes." A pause. "I think so."

"You're..." Ruiza just shook his head and glared at his feet.

"Sorry..." Asagi sighed. "I'm not that sadistic... not yet... but still... the future is so... daunting... Being in Syndrome was... a little easier."

"Hm. Well, you can't be afraid of going it on your own," Ruiza said, eyebrow raised just a little. "I mean... your talents and your experience now with Syndrome -"

"Yes... I have gained... a lot... of experience," Asagi agreed bitterly, he folded his fingers and contemplated the black nail polish on them. Still not removed -

"Asagi."

The two men didn't look at each other for a while then, Ruiza slammed his fist down on the pew.

"Listen - Asagi - it doesn't have to end like this."

"But it's done. When Kisaki disbanded, he meant it - he generally -"

"Fuck Kisaki. I'm talking about us."

"Us?"

"Us. Us. Sin, you and I... we can go on. We just need to get a drummer and a bassist. And we could do shows together. Sign onto a label or - or we could make our own. We'd need some capital - but I'm sure we could drum some money up somewhere or take a loan..."

"Ruiza -"

"And you could lead it -"

"With you," interjected Asagi. "You have more experience -"

"Nonsense. You think I've not been watching you? You put out that whole independent project with Shion already and it turned out fine. It's not famous - but I mean, who would be at this early stage? But I know you have the knowledge - and so do I - yes - but we could do it together. You've been watching Kisaki - you know how to lead a band -"

"Me? Leading a band - Ruiza - that's - that's impossible."

"And why would it be impossible?"

"Well - I mean... who would want to join us?"

"You'd be surprised. I know of a drummer - we could talk to him - we could audition. I know we can do this. Asagi - all this time - all those bands you've been in - when have you ever had a chance to truly express yourself? Truly show yourself to others - the true you? This would be a - a chance of a lifetime - to make your own music, your own clothing styles - your own kind of performing. No more purple hair or fake looking kimonos... or whatever - and we'd work toward going major. For real."

Asagi contemplated it. Closed his eyes and thought about it for the first time. Faced it head on - and imagined himself with his own band. They'd go to Tokyo. They'd have a fan club. And it would grow. They'd wear classy costumes. He'd have a top hat and walking stick. And flags. They'd have flag dances - and there would be the songs. For once, he'd be able to write about the ideas that had been percolating in his heart Since his first days in the music industry.

There would be roses.

Is this opportunity what all the pain lead to? He wondered. God... I've messed up - I don't even know if You still want to listen to me down here. But I'm going to start something new - something I've been so afraid to face. I hope You'll be with me - because this will be my new leaf to turn over, a new chance - and in my music, I want to encourage other people that they can walk away from the darkness in their lives too. I want my dream - my life - to be something beautiful.

He opened his eyes and smiled softly. Ruiza's eyes widened a little as Asagi's rose to meet his in determination.

"Ruiza... I can't promise it will be easy - but if you want to walk this road with me perhaps our dreams will come true."

-0-0-0-

"So we really are ending it," Sin shook his head. "It's unbelievable. Things were going so well."

"In what world?" asked Shion with a snort. "I've got an offer. A new group - they need a drummer. So I'm gonna take it."

"Go for it," Kisaki said briefly. "Good luck."

"Yeah, man. You too."

Shion strode off and the others watched him leave, standing awkwardly on the front steps of Kisaki's favourite music studio. Through the week, the band members had made their way in to pick up the belongings which had slowly settled in there. Asagi's favourite tape recorder and humidifier. Ruiza's guitars. Sin's guitar and amp. Soon, the building would be empty of Syndrome - as though it had never had existed.

"Well..." Kisaki said. "My ride's here -" He nodded to Jun at the wheel of a bright blue car. "I'll see you guys around. Take care. Ruiza. Sin. Watch your karaoke and alcohol consumption. Never mix substances. Right?"

"Sure."

"You sound like you're traveling to the other side of the planet," Ruiza grimaced as he shook Kisaki's hand. "We'll see each other. It's not like you're leaving the country."

"True," Kisaki said. "But, I'm going to have to take a rest. Get my health back. Get into a better head space... I don't know. Take a break."

"A break sounds good," Sin nodded at Kisaki, saluted at the group and wandered off down the sidewalk.

The three remaining men nodded at each other. Kisaki briefly drew his ex-lover into a hug and let the vocalist go, squeezing the man's shoulder gently.

"Take care of yourself," he said softly. "Do only what you feel is right, okay?"

"You too," Asagi nodded solemnly. "I hope you can find rest."

Kisaki shrugged.

"We can all hope."

He got in the car and Jun pulled away. Asagi and Ruiza watched the car disappear around the corner. Ruiza pulled out the phone.

"Hey, Sin."

Pause.

"Don't drown yourself yet - we've got a proposal.... yeah... no... Asagi and I... just us... we want to start a new band. You in?"

Pause.

"Yeah. Still here.... okay... see you in five."

Ruiza pocketed his cell and looked up at Asagi with confidence.

"He's in. Told you so."

"Now you say it," Asagi smiled then quickly. "Two more to go."

"It'll come together," Ruiza assured him. "Just watch. Have more faith in yourself."

Asagi smiled again. "I'm working on it."

-0-0-0-

Watching Ruiza's friend audition, Asagi once again felt wistful.

I've always wanted to learn an instrument... something like... the piano... even the guitar or drums would be amazing...

There was something compelling about the drummer's hands - something earthy, energetic and productive - strong. Manly. Muscled. In control. And the music was good. More than good. The drumming quality was of the highest degree - even better than Shion. Perhaps. Asagi nodded. Ruiza smiled.

"So we've got a drummer," Sin said agreeably. "And a better drummer to boot. You sure know how to pick 'em, Rui-chan."

The short guitarist gave the drummer a thumbs up and the tall drummer finished his solo off with some eye-popping tricks. Approaching the drum set, Ruiza pulled Asagi closer, knowing that the shy Singer would be more than happy to let him do all the work of introducing the band and making an offer.

"Asagi-san, this is Hiroki-san. Hiroki-san, this is Asagi-san. Co-founder and vocalist for our new band."

Hiroki stood up, nodded courteously - a short kind of bow - and shook Asagi's hand firmly. His grip was as firm as his drumming. Asagi, returning the courtesies, glanced at Ruiza. The blond guitarist was having none of it. He smiled at Asagi impishly.

"Ruiza-san and I are... beginning a new band, Since the dissolution of, uh, Syndrome," Asagi began.

"I heard," Hiroki nodded again, clearing his throat and giving Ruiza a quick glance. "Sorry to hear about that... these things kind of happen though... I guess you could say it's the darker side of being indie."

"Yes, yes..." The vocalist gave Ruiza a despairing look. "We're calling our new band, D."

"D?"

"D."

"As in the letter."

"Yes. Yes. I think there are many ideas that can be conveyed through this name."

"Asagi and I have been developing it for a short time - but it's coming along," Ruiza decided to show Asagi a little mercy. "The great thing about you joining us at so early a stage is that we can talk about what we would like. That is, I think we should approach this with an eye for a long-term future."

"I like the sound of that," agreed Hiroki. "We aren't the youngest bunch around. No offence."

"No, no," Asagi agreed. "We have to give the future serious thought. And I want D to be something that will last - so we can reach out to many people with our beliefs and feelings and thoughts on life -"

Hiroki gave Ruiza another look. Asagi blushed red and faltered.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No," Ruiza smiled.

"It's just that - for a band that began a week ago, you've put a lot of thought into it. I've started with less," Hiroki shrugged. "I guess you're more into aesthetics. Fine. Will you plan going major as well? How about the label - and our image? There will be alot of questions we'll need to iron out - you'll need to settle those, I'm sure... but I'm in."

Ruiza and Asagi glanced at each other and smiled with relief.

"I'm really looking forward to working with you," Ruiza told Hiroki. "You won't regret it!"

"Can't get any better!" Sin laughed. "This good, though - now we just need another guitarist - a good bass and then it's business as usual."

"Not quite," Ruiza said. "I think I know where we can go for the bassist. There a bunch floating around - and I know some people..."

"As do I," added Hiroki.

"But I think Asagi-san, we'll have to make a decision about the label fairly soon."

Asagi hesitated.

"I was thinking..."

Ruiza nodded encouragingly as Asagi paused again, as though uncertain of what he was about to tell them.

"... of a name. For the record label I would like to start."

"You want to start a record label?" Ruiza blinked. "We can do that?"

Asagi smiled then, quickly.

"It's like Kisaki says. Investments."

"Oh. Yes. Those."

"I thought of a name... God Child Records. It suits me - and the meaning is very personal - but Since it would by my record label, I thought -"

"Sounds good," Hiroki shrugged. "Well, if you guys need help for finding a suitable space in Osaka - I know of some cheap recording studios around there."

Ruiza hesitated catching sight of Asagi's face, before the vocalist bent forward to scuff his feet - as though the floor had the mysteries of the universe.

"Actually," the blond guitarist said. "We are looking into Tokyo."

"Better and better."

"You're okay with that?" Asagi asked, looking up in surprise. "It's expensive - but a central location is more suitable for -"

"It's good," Hiroki stated briefly.

"Okay."

Losing interest, Sin had picked up Hiroki's sticks and was idly tapping on the edges of the man's drums. Ruiza glanced at the clock.

"Hey, you know. It's dinnertime - so why don't we continue this conversation over some udon or ramen or something.""Karaoke!" Sin said cheerfully.

Asagi raised an eyebrow.

"What's with you guys and karaoke?" he turned to Ruiza. "Kisaki wasn't joking, was he?"

"You said it yourself," Ruiza said sourly. "Kisaki's the frank one. But then... look at us... it's not like we have had much of a life between rehearsals and things."

"I think in D, we should make sure that we all healthy personal lives," Asagi said thoughtfully, picking up his coat. "To make sure we all stay sane and out of trouble."

"You're joking, right?"

"What are you hiding, Sin?" Ruiza winked at the man. "Two wives or something? You know you will have to tell Father Ruiza!"

"No - no - nothing like that... just... okay... so no karaoke tonight. But seriously... I want a drink."

"That I can agree on."

"I know just the place then," Hiroki said. "We can watch the two boys get drunk and talk particulars, Asagi."

The vocalist smiled and led the group out, wondering if things were always going to be so easy.

He had a feeling it wouldn't...

-0-0-0-

"He's thought a lot about it."

"Asagi has, I think, been thinking about D for a much longer time than he realizes. It's probably been percolating somewhere inside - never recognized or allowed much thought... But now's his chance, so I think it's suddenly - I don't know - gushing out -"

"Hm. He's really into roses, isn't he?" Hiroki asked.

"He's into a lot of things. Vampires. The Bible... Roses - you know... I think he's even into interior decorating and accessorizing too."

The two men contemplated their self-effacing, yet quirky vocalist in silence for a moment.

"Is he... you know... gay?"

"Worried?"

"N-no... just asking... you know - he's well... not..."

"He's different. Yes. If he's gay, he won't intrude on you," Ruiza smiled humorously. "You should ask him. I heard once that he had a dream about the perfect girl, waiting for him. You know - the belief that there is someone special for you out there."

"You don't believe that?" asked Hiroki, surprised. "I pegged you as the romantic type - besides you kind of like him, don't you?"

Ruiza glanced at the drummer in surprise. It wasn't condemnatory. Just an observation. An astute one.

"Yeah... but... that's in the past..."

"Oh."

"Things happened around the time of the band break up. It wasn't an easy... time."

"Hm... he does seems kind of... I don't know... subdued... sad.... He's not going to be some kind of emotional diva wanna-be?"

"Asagi?" Ruiza asked in surprise. "No. No. The opposite. He's the kind to try to solve things on his own. Independent. Me... I'm the type to share it all. You've been warned. But as for our leader.... well... like I said, he's coming out of something really personal - a really, really tough time."

"I see."

"Well... it's hard to explain. Maybe he will, one day. Just... that... when he talks about wanting to know that we are okay, personally speaking. It's just him showing that he cares. I think he's going to be like some kind of friendly father figure."

"Who is a friendly father figure?" asked Sin, entering with his guitar on his back, looking refreshed despite a long night of partying at his favourite Tokyo club. "I hope you aren't talking about me, because I fail. Or are you discussing Asagi again?"

"You got us there," Hiroki smiled. "Ready for a long rehearsal?"

"Pumped," Sin looked around. "Asagi not here?"

"Rental office then, bathroom," Ruiza said.

"You always know where he is. Creepy...."

"No. Just playing it safe."

"Where's Rena?"

"The bum is late - again - traffic."

"He needs to move, seriously."

"Hm."

"You know... Ever Since we moved to Tokyo," Sin shook his head. "I don't know...I just feel like there's more life in me."

"If you mean party life," Ruiza said sardonically. "Then, I agree. You seriously need to watch yourself though."

"As though you should talk," Hiroki poked the short guitarist. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

"No...."

"My point exactly."

Ruiza looked worried. "Did I do something? Something illegal?"

"Illegal, no. Stupid, maybe. Funny... yes... You won't be able to live it down - too bad I didn't have full room on my camera. Then it would've been immortalized for eternity."

"You're mean, Hiroki," Ruiza wailed. "What did I do now?"

"I don't know," Rena's voice preceded him as he pushed his way into the small studio room. "Maybe... dedicated each karaoke song to a certain tall vocalist who is the only vocalist in our band at the moment..."

"No.... oh no...."

"But yes," Hiroki grinned wickedly.

Rena slipped of his bass guitar and winked at Ruiza. Sin jumped on Rena and tried to snag a piggy back. The bassist twisted around and gave him a friendly knock on the head.

"How am I going to live it down?" Ruiza groaned. "What will Asagi say?"

"Well, thankfully he had left by then -"

"Oh. Yes. Great. OK. I can live then."

"But he will need to know," Rena smirked. "I mean... I think you guys would make a cute couple. I'm jealous - a little... Asagi-san's, well... a handsome guy. Nose is a bit big - but his voice is gorgeous and have you checked out his legs?"

There was an awkward pause as Sin backed off a bit and glanced at Ruiza. The blond said nothing for a bit and then, he shook his head.

"You shouldn't talk about him like that," he finally said. "I wouldn't, if I were you... It'd make him feel uncomfortable - and bring back some... memories... that I think we should just leave alone. For now."

Hiroki nodded. He understood well enough that with time, regrettable things almost always happened in the music industry. That the upstanding, introverted Asagi would have baggage was a little surprising - but then... perhaps not. All of us, I guess, have a few skeletons in their closet. Still... it's hard to imagine Asagi-san getting into huge trouble.

"So the rumours are true," Rena said, his voice a little awe-struck.

"What rumours?" Ruiza asked sharply.

Sin's normally cheerful face suddenly looked apprehensive. He picked up his guitar and began to strum pensively.

"You know... you hear stories - every now and then." Rena shrugged. "Like... how Kisaki was seen with our Asagi-san at Club Paradise -"

"Who saw them?"

"Club what?"

"Where is it? Could I get in?"

That was Sin. As usual, irreverent in the face of social disaster.

"Who saw them?" repeated Ruiza.

"Club Paradise," Rena explained. "Has a very specific, special clientele. Clientele whose sexual taste run to the bizarre, the extreme and... Are you familiar with voyeurism, Hiroki-san?"

Hiroki raised an eyebrow.

"Asagi was into that stuff?"

"That's not the issue," Ruiza shook his head. "Who said this?"

"Well... I can't reveal my sources - but they are reliable. And they told me that some friends had heard it from a reliable source - we're talking... Klaha and Mana."

"Klaha and Mana - wait, they've split."

"Yes, well, Klaha left Malice Mizer - we all know why, I think," Rena shrugged. "It's the way of things. Vis kei can have its ugly moments too."

"Agreed," Hiroki nodded, trying to switch the conversation. "You should have seen my first costumes I wore - the cheapest things ever -"

"There were stories too - about Kisaki's party." Rena continued, undeterred. "Some of the guys were talking about it - How there was a totally different kind of party going on - if you know what I mean. So, that means that Asagi-san was Kisaki's... you know..." Here he lifted his pinkie suggestively.

Hiroki shifted uneasily noticing the tense set to Ruiza's face.

"Well, that was all talk, wasn't it?" Hiroki asked.

"No smoke without fire, they say."

There was an awkward pause. Sin's eyes shifted from Ruiza to Rena and back again. Ruiza felt grateful that the usually boisterous guitarist had at least the sense to hold his tongue. Rena was bent over his bass's case, lifting it out. Ruiza wished he had super human powers like Goku and could smash his band mate over the head with his guitar.

"You can't always believe what people say," the drummer was noting dryly.

"Hm... true..." Rena slung his guitar over his shoulders and started to tune his instrument. He looked up with a grin. "But it's intriguing. One friend in particular told me that he had it on authority that Asagi knew how to give a man a good time."

"Enough," Ruiza glanced at the door apprehensively. "If you ever hear things like that again, let your friends know that it is totally unappreciated and unwelcome. Would you want to things like that - lies like that spread out about you?"

Rena considered it for a moment, then shrugged.

"Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just saying."

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything more about it."

"Yeah... it's not like it's gonna help us anyways," Hiroki said. "As a band, that is. I mean..."

"He's off bounds," Ruiza said finally.

Sin nodded wisely. Rena looked confused.

"I thought you weren't into him anymore. He's yours or not?"

"He's nobody's," Ruiza repeated. "He's off bounds. It may be hard for you to realize - but the situation may be more delicate than you think. I hope that we can all respect each other - and understand that there will be times where we must show sensitivity."

Rena sighed.

"Okay. Fine. Whatever. It's not like I'm some stalker or rapist. Or whatever."

Ruiza relaxed a bit.

"Good to know. Now... I'm gonna get Asagi out from wherever he is so we can get rehearsing."

The short guitarist stepped out of the room, shut the door firmly behind him and sighed. He wondered how it was for him - what others would say behind his back - what rumours (if any) would generate around his existence. Ruiza remembered his mother and father, how they would talk about the neighbours and their coworkers. It seemed a part of life - but Ruiza sometimes wondered why it had to be that way -

It seems so... worthless in the end. So destructive...

He turned to his right and froze at the sight of Asagi, leaning against the hallway, hands in his pockets. Hunching a little. Ruiza knew what those bent shoulders meant. It was Asagi's typical "hunch down and maybe nobody will notice me" posture. Judging by the far-away look on Asagi's face, he had heard something then.

Awkward.

Ruiza bit his lip and then sighed. Raised his hand - and then dropped it.

"Hey - Asagi - I'm sorry -"

Asagi's gaze sharpened as he returned from whatever awful memory the conversation had taken him to.

"No... it's okay..." The vocalist sighed a long rattling sigh. "I guess - I kinda hoped that my story was something that could be... I don't know - forgotten, maybe. Fall through the cracks."

"It will - with time. Time erases these kinds of things. You just have to soldier on for a while."

"Yeah..."

Ruiza stood there, arms at his side, wanting to let Asagi know it would be all okay in the end. Knowing that maybe it wouldn't be. Uncertain what to do. Not sure of the boundaries between them. Unable to comfort. Hands tied.

"Yeah..."

-0-0-0-

Asagi had a habit of referring to the band as a ship. He never said he was the captain - but Hiroki had a lot of fun giving Asagi salutes for a little while. Until Asagi admitted that perhaps he should have thought up a better analogy.

But Ruiza liked the concept. He found he liked many of Asagi's concepts. As time went on, as he talked more with the vocalist, Ruiza came to realize that deep down, throughout his years in visual kei, the vocalist had been hoarding ideas and images.

There was the image of the vampire. The image of Alice. The image of a father and a son. The concepts of good and evil. The perfection of the rose.

It made his head spin. For hours, they sat and doodled, trying to find the perfect "D". Sometimes, just to bring a smile to Asagi's face, they would try to think up ridiculous English words that began with the letter.

There were good days. Days when everyone had energy. Days to relax in – as time was reclaimed for oneself. Days when he found joy again in the company of his cats. Days when recordings went well. When Asagi's songs seemed to carry better than normal. When they all seemed in sync. When event offers began to come in slowly. When the label finally was legalized.

But there were the bad days. Days when Ruiza woke up on the floor of a club, uncertain of what he had done the night before. Days when his cigarette pack seemed more empty than usual. Days when Asagi struggled to maintain a healthy amount of self-confidence – and he ended up curled on his couch, crying with his arms around Donna. When Sin seemed out of control. When Rena eyed Asagi a little too closely for Ruiza's comfort.

On days like those, Ruiza wondered in the end if Kisaki was so different. Or rather, Ruiza thought, within us all is a kind of Kisaki. A dark side. We all have something, I guess. And maybe that's what drives Asagi. The feeling that in all of us there is potential for greatness - and great weakness.

One night, after a particularly difficult live the band took down the set glumly, reviewing the evening and hashing out the difficulties.

"We should have gone with a bit brighter lighting," Rena sighed. "Tripping over that cord - I think I got a bruise on my thigh were I bumped up against Sin's guitar amp when I fell down."

"Apply ice," replied Ruiza sharply.

Asagi glanced at the guitarist and then sighed, bending down to help the blond wrap up their cords.

"Make sure to have a hot bath," he suggested to Rena. "There are aromatics and bath salts that can seep into your skin and relax muscles, which are great after a long day."

"A hot bath... with the right company would definitely help," agreed Rena, winking at Asagi.

"Sorry," Asagi said. "Not interested."

Rena shrugged, ignoring Ruiza's glare.

"Sorry, had to try. I've gotta cheer up somehow."

"Like you're the one with the worst evening," grumbled Sin. "I nearly got mauled by a fan."

"My cymbal was loose, and two of my drum sets got wobbly halfway through - so what?" Hiroki shrugged. "It's life. The worst one of us all was Asagi."

There was an awkward silence after that.

"Sorry... not that you were - that is, you weren't bad - just, you had a hard night -"

"I think I know what Hiroki is saying," Ruiza interrupted the stammering drummer before any further damage was done. "You should have stopped Singing. and gotten us to fix your speaker."

Asagi nodded silently, set Ruiza's cords carefully into the guitarist's favourite sound box and turned away, running his hands down over his face tiredly. Breaking down in front of the band so early in the game would be the worst thing to happen. He had an image to keep - of a sorts. This was a chance for him to prove himself to his band mates - to the fans - to the rest of the music industry - to Kisaki -

He wasn't going to depend on his looks, on his image. It would be his music, his voice and his performances. Rumours, the ones Rena had mentioned, wouldn't die down if he acted a fool.

"Asagi -"

But the vocalist left the room without another word.

-0-0-0-

Outside, the night and the cool wind eased his slowly brewing headache. Asagi let out another sigh. Relishing the comfort of his casual jeans and jacket, he walked aimlessly for a while, until he found himself in a well-lit park. Sitting down on a park bench beside a young man who was practising a series of intricate chords on a cool, black bass. Asagi enjoyed the subdued notes, letting his mind wander.

Tonight was awful. So... what am I going to do about it? In the future, I'll need to be careful about the sound quality. We'll need to double-check. Which means, taking our time. Perhaps we should show up at the show house earlier... And if I realize that something isn't working until I'm on stage... what then? What if one day we have a TV performance and the sound equipment isn't adequate enough? I'll always sound off-key then - so I'll need to practice...

"Asagi-san?"

"Eh -" Asagi blinked and turned around, coming down to earth abruptly. "Yes?"

"You seem... if I can say so - a little... quiet tonight?"

Asagi turned. It was his companion on the park bench. Looking a little closer, he realized that the face of the bassist was a familiar one. One of the newbie roadies. Zu - no... Tsuzu... Tsu-

"Tsunehito," supplied the young man, brightly. He was a slight young man, with a collection of piercing decorating his ears. Below a broad forehead were two intelligent, kind eyes. There was a determined set to his mouth and chin - and something oddly androgynous as was normal among many visual kei artists and fans. Yet, the voice was incredibly deep. "I've been following your work a lot - lately - I guess... you could say, I'm a fan."

"A fan..." Asagi looked away, and then settled on the bassist's guitar. "Of D's work? Already? We're still very new... and... it shows - it showed... especially tonight."

Tsunehito nodded. "Yes... but that is true of everyone. Even the classical visual kei bands - X-Japan... Malice Mizer... all the rest. They must have had their ups and downs. It's part of life. Growing and learning from our mistakes. Right?"

"Yes... but the mistakes tonight were so many. I guess I was overwhelmed... It was immature of me to be so upset over it -"

"Well, no..." Tsunehito laughed then. "I can't seem to agree with you today at all! But... it's only human to get upset. In fact, listening to Asagi-san talking about his work with such honesty... it makes me feel like D has an even more important story than ever."

"Story?"

"Perhaps... message is a better word for it..."

"Our message..." Asagi remembered his thoughts in the church.

...this will be my new leaf to turn over, a new chance - and in my music, I want to encourage other people that they can walk away from the darkness in their lives too....

"You know..." The bassist smiled. "The idea that we can make mistakes, but that it doesn't have to cripple us forever - that forgiveness is around the corner, and second chances."

Asagi nodded thoughtfully.

"I had forgotten," he admitted. "We've been so busy and all... but... you're right. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Tsunehito replied. "I guess, this is encouraging for me as well. Life isn't the easiest in this game - this way of life. So it's great to see that... there's hope for us."

"There definitely is," agreed Asagi. "Will I be seeing you around then?"

"Definitely," Tsunehito agreed. "I've... kind of signed on for a term with the road crew. For the guitar and bass tech crews. Just, putting my hand in, you know. Now that my previous band is, more or less, disbanded."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Ah well," the younger man shrugged. "I've got a long life of opportunities ahead, I'm sure of it. Around the corner, remember."

"Right. Around the corner." Asagi stood up and nodded, "I'll see you then. Perhaps, you'll see us at our best, next time."

Next time, I won't forget. It's not about me - and whether I feel good or not. It's about what we are sharing with them - hope.

-0-0-0-

The days passed by - the sun rising and setting, followed by the moon. Gazing upward at the stars from Tokyo hotel suite Jun had reserved, Kisaki savoured his favourite bottle of wine. Jun was inside - somewhere - homey sounds of a shower running, a microwave beeping -

It reminded Kisaki of Asagi - the memory slipped in insidiously - like a knife in its sharpness. Asagi, wearing his favourite "i'm slumming it at home" t-shirt and pants, it was a worn blue and black ensemble that stretched nicely over all the right places as the vocalist bent over to pull out his favourite tea. Sometimes it had been coffee - and once in a while, Asagi would buy espresso. There was wine in the cupboard as well - vintage stuff that spoke of a budding interest.

Sometimes, Asagi would try to cook something. A disaster, Kisaki had thought. Looking back, however, it brought a smile to his face. Asagi's face had looked so adorable when he was deep in thought, fretting over his rice - or the chicken or whatever he was trying his hand at. And his cookies...

Kisaki gulped down the wine and set down his wine glass rather roughly.

It was never good to think about it. Imagining tough, little, cigarette-smoking Rui-chan as a guardian angel was amusing - but Kisaki knew, beyond all doubt that the garden - that particular paradise - was closed to him.

He took another drink.

-0-0-0-

Asagi woke to some kind of distant sound. He wasn't sure what it had been - but the paranoia set in fast. Jolting awake, for a moment, he sat there, frozen in fear, his heart pounding. Donna meowed drowsily and turned in her sleep, perhaps in the middle of a dream about a mouse.

Kisaki? He's here?

The vocalist's eyes darted around - but darkness blanketed his sight. For a panicked moment, he could remember it - the rough black cloth around his eyes - being forced down into his pillow - Flinging himself off his bed, tripping over his own feet in haste, Asagi fumbled for his night table's lamp's switch.

Golden light flooded the room - and Asagi glanced at the clock. It was three in the morning.

Just a dream then...

Asagi relaxed back for a few seconds against the bed, slumped on the floor. Donna's eyes opened slowly and watched him, obviously confused, as though asking him “what on earth are you doing, idiot boy?” It was a relief to remember - to realize that he was no longer in that tiny box back in Osaka. This wasn't the same bed, and the sheets were new. Everything new. It was the joy of turning a new leaf.

But some things will always remain, Asagi thought with a sigh. Memory's hold is more tenacious, with time perhaps, I will be able to forget. I'll be able to sleep with pillows again... Until then... there's this kind of life.

At that thought, Asagi scrambled to his feet, deciding on a camomile soother. The perfect relaxant. Another knock.

"What the -"

Asagi considered the time again.

Ruiza?

Wrapping a bathrobe around himself firmly, notching his belt, Asagi padded through his living room, noticing that Mie was awake – standing on the chair and peering around. Opening his door, the vocalist peered out into the hallway. He blinked - paused - stepped back, his hands automatically starting to close his door at the sight of Kisaki swaying on his feet before him. Kisaki's foot jammed in the door.

"I need to talk."

His breath smelled lightly of alcohol - and Asagi's experienced eye knew that the bassist was probably tipsy.

"I have nothing to say to you," Asagi's voice was tight. "How did - how could you -"

"I know everything about you. Of course."

"Of course." The vocalist's eyes sharpened. "Leave me alone. Nothing good can come out of this -"

"I just wanted to talk."

"Not here. Not now."

"Why not?"

"It's in the middle of the night," Asagi said through gritted teeth, trying to tamp down a sudden spike of anger. "I'm not dressed adequately and you're drunk."

"Nothing new there then," Kisaki said with a grin. "Just like the good old days."

"There was nothing good about the old days. Get out of here. I'm going to call the cops on you if you don't leave. Or take you out myself."

"I know I'm running on liquid courage here," Kisaki blinked at the sight of Asagi's flashing eyes. "But where did you find your backbone. C'mon. I'll wait for you to get dressed - and... and we can talk - and you can go back home. No weird stuff. C'mon - your night is ruined anyway."

The bassist waved his hands airily at Asagi, his eyes never leaving the vocalist's. Asagi glared back and then nodded sourly. The door was shut, triple locked and for a long twenty minutes there was nothing. Kisaki wondered if Asagi was brewing himself a cup of camomile tea. It was something the quiet man liked to do to calm down under stress. At the thought, the apartment door opened quietly and Asagi peered out again, obviously hopeful that Kisaki had left. His eyes fell on the bassist who had ensconced himself on the floor, staring up unnervingly at the door.

"Still here, huh," sighed the vocalist, finally emerging with a coat, tightly buttoned up. Sturdy shoes. Gloves.

Kisaki wanted to make a comment about chastity belts but held his tongue. Wisely. There was something about this new independent Asagi that promised violence or at the least verbal retribution. As I thought, he mused, underneath the veneer of shyness, the little one has fire.

"I said I wanted to talk," Kisaki replied mildly.

A pause then.

"So I'm waiting."

Asagi nodded and slipped out of his apartment quickly, eyeing Kisaki as though the man were some kind of wild beast who would carry him away.

I wish, Kisaki smirked. But I don't think I'd get away with it this time. Independence has given him the confidence to say no this time. If I want anything tonight, I'll have to work over-time for it.

Stepping out into the warm night air, the two men considered the small, empty street. Tokyo at night was beautiful - as most Asian cities are - lit by street lights and the neon signs of the night shops and markets. In the suburbs of Tokyo, however, the silence was welcome. The occasional passing car was the only thing moving. That and the house cats let out for the night. Somewhere, a dog barked.

Kisaki followed Asagi down the road, letting the silence settle between them like a wall. It was comforting enough to walk beside the man - a fair way to spend the evening - to while away the lonely hours. Sleep seemed elusive and Kisaki figured that there was no better way to spend it than with Asagi.

"How's life?"

The bassist's eyebrow rose slightly at Asagi question, pulled as it were from the depths of the vocalist's being. Unwanted.

"Okay," Kisaki shrugged. "You?"

"Same."

The two men walked onward without another word. Then:

“So how're... ah... Donna and Miya?”

“Mie.”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Fine.”

“Settling into their new home?”

“Yes, they enjoy it,” Asagi nodded reluctantly. “More space than the last one. I got a larger cat scratching post for them, which they love, of course.”

“Of course.”

“No need to be patronizing.” A slight snarl there.

“I wasn't,” Kisaki replied calmly and took another gulp from his paper bagged bottle.

Silence.

"D's coming along well, it seems."

"Yes," Asagi had regained his serenity.

"Has a firm concept behind it as a foundation...."

"Hm."

"And with you to lead it -"

"Ruiza's helping too."

"We'll see how that goes," Kisaki nodded.

Asagi glanced at his ex-band mate sharply.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, you've seen him. I was only half-joking back then."

"Yes... The smoking and the drinking?"

"Watch out for him."

Asagi didn't say anything - Kisaki could see him frowning. Whether it was something that bothered Asagi - something Asagi did - or whether it was anger over the situation or Ruiza, Kisaki could only guess.

Perhaps he wants to say something scathing, Kisaki thought ruefully. Something about the kettle calling the pot black.

"There's a park -"

"No."

"I'm not saying we do anything. But it's got swings."

"Kisaki -"

"No, let's go. I'm feeling whimsical tonight," Kisaki tugged on Asagi's coat sleeve.

Asagi sighed and turned into the park on their right. It was a well-lit area, and a casual glance showed the park to be empty. The vocalist eyed Kisaki again, wondering what had prompted the guitarist's visit.

When it comes to Kisaki, you never can be sure. It's important to stay on guard.

"I'm not going to bite you," Kisaki said, sitting down on a bench. "Nor do I have goons in the bushes to pop out and drag you away -"

"I never said you did."

"You thought it."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No - no - whatever. Have it your way," Asagi pulled himself back onto a swing and slumped against the cold metallic chain and stared at his -

What do I call him? Ex-boss – ex-band mate - ex-lover - ex-friend - ex-tormentor... Ex. The EX.

He stared at the ex and waited.

"So if it's not about dragging me away to a hidden lair, why wake me up at this ungodly hour?"

"Well, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I do want to drag you away to my hidden lair," Kisaki smiled, his eyes full of promise and invitation.

Asagi looked away, jaw tense.

"Not interested."

"So short! So quick to reply."

"Too bad."

"So harsh too. The little one has no sense of humour and totally doesn't want to play?"

" I'm. Not. Little," Asagi glared at Kisaki. "I do so have a sense of humour. Dangerous play - it's not my style."

"But you enjoyed it."

The vocalist's eyes when they met the bassist were fierce - and Asagi didn't budge when Kisaki rose, circled around him and bent to whisper in his ear.

"You screamed for it."

Asagi's fingers tightened on the chain. Kisaki didn't say anything more but pulled the vocalist back a little and then pushed him forward. He enjoyed it - the hardness of Asagi's back and the gentle brush of black hair over his fingers.

"I take it back."

"No, you don't."

"No," Kisaki agreed. "I don't. But... I don't really know why I called on you tonight. I'm trying to let you go - but everything seems so lonely without you there... it's a little hard to find out what to do with myself."

"Get a new hobby. Try painting. They say it's therapeutic."

"Funny, Asagi, funny."

"I try."

Asagi was swinging back and forward now, a little higher and Kisaki, without thought continued to push him, as he considered the awkward situation. The wine bottle stood alone and forgotten on the park bench for the time being.

"I'm trying to let you go. It's for your own good. To become a stronger, better Singer - with songs that will fit you. Made by you for you. You have a strong work ethic and a high sense of aesthetics and a perfectionist streak - so you'll never be happy with yourself. Which means, well, as an artist, you won't get mediocre."

At that, Asagi's lips quirked up slightly.

"D is your escape. For now. Until someone else like me comes along."

"Nothing like that is going to happen again," Asagi said firmly. "I swore an oath on it."

"Let me guess, to God?" Kisaki snorted. "Typical."

"Whatever."

"Sorry."

"You're saying 'sorry' a lot tonight. Is it the drink - or do you want me back in your bed again?"

"Would you say 'yes'?"

"Yes to the bed?"

"Hm."

"No."

"Well, then, that's that..."

Kisaki wandered back to the park bench, sat down, uncorked the wine bottle and took another swig. He watched Asagi swing back and then forward - back - forward - toward - away - Life was like that. People were like that. Asagi... had seemed to be different. Was different. Is still different, he corrected himself.

It was hard to tell, but Asagi's eyes were serious and worried as he slowed down, until his feet dragged along the ground to a stop.

"You need to take care of yourself," Asagi said softly. "You know that the bottle isn't the right answer to the question of life."

Kisaki shrugged.

"It's the only thing talking to me right now."

"I'm talking to you too," Asagi replied with a sad smile.

The bassist blinked at the focused look on Asagi's face. There was sadness, anger, regret and care there - He realized then that it was Asagi who sat there before him, ever so patiently. Giving him chances over and over again. It was for real. It was painful to know that there would never be that one chance again - the door of physicality had been closed - but the vocalist still extended a hand of friendship.

Kisaki's throat suddenly seemed very tight - and that's when he knew he had too much to drink. He needed to return home before he made a fool of himself.

"Thanks for listening," Kisaki mumbled. "And talking."

"You're welcome."

"I need a taxi."

Asagi fumbled a little and pulled out his cell.

"Coming right up."

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