So... You Want To Be Gay?

Feedback needed/wanted/begged... erm... asked for. :)

Beta-ed (HOW do You spell that? Betaed? Beta-ed? Beted? I saw every version) by Madame D.

Ratings: Not really... I don't know... R for Suggestions and Things Implied? P for Possibly Funny? Well, it has JONES in it so maybe make it R.
Author: Uuuum... ME? *sqeals* (for those who don't get that yet, that ME person is me- Kirke 'Influenca' Novak)
Disclamers: I so wish it was true... it is... really! Who wants to go over Fluffy and convince me that it's not?
Summary: Like I said it has Jones :)

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So... You Want To Be Gay?


by Kirke

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Ok, last time we checked on that *coughs* fic, Dan came out to Ben and Lee, Ben didn't get any and got a little angry at Dan, Darren wasn't there *gasps* and Lee decided to teach Dan how to be a REAL gay man, not one of those funny, TV, 'Gimme, Gimme, Gimme' ones that cook and cut hair and know things about redecorating and always call girls 'girlfriend'. :)

PART 2

Ben: *excited* Let me show him! Let me show him! Let me show him!

Lee: *flatly* No.

Ben: *totally disappointed* Yes love :`(

Dan: Haha! Fooled ya!

Lee & Ben: ???

Dan: You see guys... I'm not gay really. Really! That was all, um, a joke! I just wanted to cheer Ya up. Now, it was funny but I gotta go now. Ciao. *tries to stand up but Lee's hand on his shoulder stops him*

Lee: A joke You say...

Dan: Yeah. Really, gotta run. Kathleen is...

Lee: Are You trying to tell me it was just a joke? A prank?

Dan: *unsure by Lee's calm tone* Yeaaaaaaah...

Lee: So You came here at this hour to make a joke, eh?

Dan: yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

Lee: So Ben didn't get any because of your stupid sense of humour? *points at Benny* Dan: *looks at Ben and sees that Ben's eyes become red and he starts to salivate on the floor*

Ben: Dan leave. Ben wanna now.

Lee: Sorry baby. I'm not in a mood any more *shrugs*

Ben: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... *looks at Dan like Lenin at capitalists* Me angry. Someone needs pay...

Dan: Gotta go *squeals* *tries to stand up again but Lee's hand still is stopping him*

Lee: I WON'T REPEAT MYSELF. YOU'LL GO WHEN I ALLOW YOU TO. *smiles*

Dan: *stutters* ...but... but.... *sweats and looks at Ben who looks like he's ready to jump at him and forget about his aversion to meat for a while* Lee: NO BUTS! At least not yet *veg*

Dan: /Dear God, if You get me out of here I promise to quit smoking and drinking beer and.../

Lee: Benny! Bring The Book.

Ben: The Book, dearest? Is he ready for that?

Lee: Apparently we have no choice. Look at him, he's on denial trip again. I won't let him hide in a closet once he's finally out of there. I don't know what caused that extreamly unsuspected change but I won't risk it.

Dan: I'm not... really...

Lee: *calmly* Silence. Benny, bring The Book.

Ben: Yes love...

Lee: And baby... bring The Stories.

Ben: *gasps* Not The Stories!

Lee: His system needs a major shock if we want to keep him.

Dan: /Dear Satan, I promise to be a bad, bad boy. I'll be mean to animals and drink a lot and .../

Ben: I'm going pumpkin *pats Danny's head* Hang on Danny, I'll be right back. *leaves*

Lee: Fear not. It might hurt at the beginning of course, you might even become blind but after some time...

Dan: /Dear Allah.../

Lee: ...you'll be ready for everything. And I mean *everything* *wiggles his eyebrows*

Dan: /Please... Buddah, Zeus, Vishnu.../

Lee: Of course it might take a while. Weeks maybe. Maybe longer. *sighs* We'll try our best, you are after all our brother now. *smiles sweetly*

Dan: /Swiatowid... Zaratustra.../

Lee: We give your sanity 50% chance to survive ^______^

Dan: /ANYONE!!!/

Ben: *coming from the bedroom, carrying a large pile of books and papers* Got... them... allll...

Lee: Ah, Benny's here already. Ok, now Dan, remember, what can't kill you makes you stronger ^___^

Dan: /Come on!!!! One of You guys and gals has to be against gays!!! I'm not talking 'bout Zeus but the rest.../ *is met by a heave silence from The Above, The Below and The Middle*

Lee: *taking from the top, a very thick, 'phonebook-like' book* Now, this is the best book for you

Dan: *sweating* W... what is that?

Lee: *cheerfully* Gay Kamasutra

Dan: *faints*

Ben: *rises his eyebrow* Already? We didn't even get to page 310. Damn, we didn't even show him the cover!

Lee: *shaking his head* We're going to have to start from the VERY beginning.

Ben: Is he worth it? I mean... *puts all the books on the table, sits next to Lee and puts an arm around his waist* ...he's a total wimp. People like that spoil our reputation. He's one of those men that always pretend that they are so manly and great and would rather die then be on the bottom, *smirks* Everyone knows that the bottoms are the one in control, right baby?

Lee: *veg* Of course my manly, strong, brave man. *kiss*

Ben: Aaaaaaaaaaw... *kiss* *tongue* *lick* *kiss* *starts to put his hand inside Lee's boxers*

Lee: *slaps Ben's hand away* No.

Ben: Eh?

Lee: I said no. *pushes Ben away*

Ben: But... why?

Lee: We have our obligations. He trusted us. We musn't fail him!

Ben: Bbbbut... *glances at Dan* He's still unconcious, we could...

Lee: No.

BJustJust a quicky.

Lee: No.

Ben: *lower lip tremebles* I don't see why you want to help him that much. He's so pathetic. *eyes water* Do you like him more than me?!

Lee: *sighs* Don't be ridiculous baby, of course not!

Ben: *sniffs*

Lee: *smooths Ben's hair with his fingers* There, there honey, it will be fun, you'll see *smiles sweetly* I'll let you choose the possition next time.

Ben: *beams* You will?!

Lee: Yup.

Ben: *throws himself at Lee* Oh thankyouthankyonkyonkyouthankyou!!!!!

Lee: Stop.... chocking... me....

Ben: *blushes* Sorry... *lets go off Lee relucantly*

Lee: Now, let's wake Danny up and get this over with.

Ben: *nods*

Lee: *lies down on Dan and whispers to his ear* Daaaaaaan...Danny... wake up sweetheart..

. Ben: *opens his eyes wide, in disbelief that Lee called Dan their special word*

Dan: *mumbles* Don't wanna...

Lee: Come oooooon... I'll give You more of my chocolate homemade cookies...

Dan: *steers* Coo... kies?

Ben: *gasps shocked* /Cookies? Did he just offered him The Cookies? Our special cookies?/

Lee: *low, encouraging voice* Yes, cookies... come one, daddy Lee has more of them.

Ben: *lower lip trembles* /Daddy? He's *my* daddy... Doesn't he want me to be his baby anymore? Does he want... Daniel? NO! Can't think like that! He promised... He'd NEVER lie to me, right? RIGHT?! ... right?/

Dan: Don't wanna... go'way...

Lee: *shakes Dan a little* You have to get up. It's important.

Dan: Mmmmmmm... nooooooooo...

Lee: *sighs* okey, as you wish... *sits up* *coughs* DANIEL!!!!!!!

Dan: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH????!!!! *jumps up, suddenly very awake* *staring at Lee* Who... how... where...

Lee: *snickers* Lee. You came here. In my apartament..

Dan: *blinks few times trying to remember why he's here* *remembers* *pales*

Lee: Feeling better? You fainted.

Ben: *on the verge of tears now* /He's concerned about him more than he is about me. Maybe... *mental sniff* Maybe he won't leave me just now. Maybe he'll let me stay for a while longer./

Dan: Yeah I... *gulps* fainted.

Lee: *smiles sweetly* I guess it's all because of those emotions. In few hours we'll be both laughing of this.

Ben: /*both?* Maybe he'll let me sleep on the doormat.../

Dan: Yeah... *nervous laughter* ...laugh of this... hehehehe...

Lee: Yeah, ok, let's start. I promise to be gentle *wiggles his eyebrows*

Ben: /*gaaaaaaaaaaasps* No! Not the eyebrows! Not *that* Everything but *that*! Our special sign!!/

Dan: *gulps*

Lee: *picks up The Book again and shoves it at Dan* Ok, we'll start from the easiest part - sex! ^___^

Ben: /Sex... we started from sex... *sniffs* Those were 5 good years with my loved one... *lowers his head* Ok, Benny, be brave, don't panic, there is still a chance, if he doesn't start from page 310/

Lee: We'll start from page 310.

Ben: /.../

Dan: *curious* What is on page 310?

Lee: *grins* Good things *opens The Book on page 310* Ok, Danny remember, it's all for your own good. We want Darren to be proud of you, *right*?

Dan: R... right?

Lee: Good! Now, let's begin! *gives Dan The Book*

Dan: *peeks* *blinks* *blinks again* *confooooozed* What is he doing with the other hand?

Lee: *giggles* It's not a hand Danny...

Dan: *thoughtful look* *blinks* *opens his eyes widely* *jaw drops* Oh GOD! That's... that's... phisically impossible!

Lee: *giggles again* Well, it took us 3 months of intense yoga lessons to get there but belive me, it *is* possible. And worth :)

Dan: *still trying to imagine that* But... but... his legs!

Lee: Impressed?

Dan: Hell yeah!!

Lee: *squeals* *throws himself at Dan and huggles him hard*

Dan: Whaaaa... what?

Lee: *lets go of Dan but is still squealing* Congratulations Daniel!!! You *ARE* a queer!

Dan: *blinks*

Lee: No straight guy could see that and not finish with his head in a toilet. I'm telling you, when we showed that to Sneaky, he couldn't eat for a week. :)

Dan: You showed Sneaky that book?

Lee: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sure! We've shoved him that *book*...

Dan: So... so I really am... Point of no return... *sighs* I knew that...

Lee: *snickers* You *knew* that?

Dan: *throws Lee a unreadible look* I was *confused*, ok?!

Lee: *narrows his eyes* Did You just raise your voice at me?

Dan: N... no! Of course not... sowwy *puppy dog eyes*

Lee: Good. Very good. Now on to the first lesson.

Dan: The *first* lesson? And what was that *thing* before?

Lee: That was a test. You passed. We had to do it in case you had Bowiness! *pats Dan* Now, I'm going to tell you something very important.The first thing every gay guy should know. It's a secret. *whispers* Even Benny doesn't know that... it's *only* for us. Repeat that to someone and die. *evil Novak look*

Dan: *looks around* And where *is* Ben?

Lee: He's right... *points at the empty place beside him that just a few minutes ago was honoured to be warmed up by Mr. Carey's perfect ass* ...here?

Dan: Well, he's not.

Lee: Benny? Ben?! Cupcake?! Where are you?! *stands up* *looks around frantically* Banjamin?!

Dan: Sheesh, calm down Lee. Maybe he just went to a toilet.

Lee: *shakes his head rapidly* Without my permission? He wouldn't!

Dan: /Without... ... ... ... .../ Maybe he had to and didn't want to interrupt us?

Lee: I know him better. He would wait. *panicked* BEN!!!

Dan: Maybe he's in the bedroom then? Went for some more... The Books?

Lee: *runs to the bedroom* Benny?

Dan: *follows Lee but stops a meter before the door, afraid that things he might see there will send him on 'denial trip' again* (hey! Coming out once is hard, coming out twice is twice as bad, now imagine coming out for the 3rd time to the same people... esp to *those* people) Well, is he there?

Lee: Daniel come here, quickly!!

Dan: *fights over repulsion, scared that something might have happened to Ben and closing his eyes enters the bedroom* *with his eyes still closed* I'm here. What happened?

Lee: *sniffs* He's... gone...

Dan: WHAT? *opens his eyes and looks around the bedroom frantically*

What? How goneere ere is the body?!

Lee: No more Ben's body... he's... he's gone *crieeeeeeeeeeeees*

Dan: *blinks for the few times letting his eyes to adjust and savour and is meet by something that sends him into a major shock. Instead of chains, a collection of dildos on the shelves and leather sheets he sees a nice warm cozy bedroom all in pink and violet with a collection of... fluffy animal toys* *sees that Lee is sitting on the bed, sobbing* Don't cry Lee... what happened? Why are you saying that Ben's gone?

Lee: *looks up and watches Dan with teary eyes* You don't know? Just look around! What is wrong in here?

Dan: /You mean except for EVERYTHING?!/ Dunno. *shrugs* Never been here.../and thank You Whoever for that, I've never seen a place so... COZY!/

Lee: *stands up and points at the fluffy animals toys collection* He took Mr. Muffy with himself, Daniel!!! He's GONE! *throws himself at the bed and starts wailing like a girl that few minutes before the prom found out that her boyfriend dumped her for her FORMER best frined*

Dan: *coughs* Um... Lee... erm...

Lee: *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail* *sobs into a pillow*

Dan: /That's just too hard for me... *metal sigh*/ *takes a one relucant step in Lee's direction* Would you... ehm... /I'm so not good at that touchy - feely stuff!... hm... maybe I'm not a real gay man after all... *mental slap in a shape of Lee holding The Book opened on page 310* Ok, I *am* gay man but so not very good yet... *sighs* Damn, how would Darren do that... *thinks about trowing a huge tantrum that would make Lee forget everything and concentrate on making The Diva fell better cos we all know that The Diva is the most important * naaaaah... Ok, like Elisa then.../ Look, Lee... *takes another step and sits down a silky sheets* *pats Lee's shoulder* *friendly* Would you please calm down and explain to me everything?

Lee: *looks up at Dan* Gone!

Dan: I know *gone* but um... I mean, how *gone*? He had about 1 minute to... eh... be gone. Mabe he really is in that bathroom...

Lee: Nope, he's not there. *lower lip tremebles* Benny gone...

Dan: *sighs* Don't you think you are over reacting a li... *is met by a look that remindes him about that day when Darren was rubbing himself over Ben too much during a concert which ended with Lee and Darren having that HUGE catfight with fur flying, bitting, hair grabbing and Ben getting horny...* I mean... he surely... ... I mean... *starts to sweat* Maybe... *feels a furry spider of 'maybe it wasn't the best idea to say it' kinda doubts creeping up his spine* ...and... *silently* ...um... *feels like the rest of his resistance is packing his things and booking a plane ticket to Jamaica for the rest of the month (bloody coward!)* WE HAVE TO FIND BEN!!!

Lee: *pauses his wailing for a second* *puppy dog eyes* Will you help me?

Dan: /Oh and I look like a person with a choice now!/ Of course I will help you...

Lee: *jumps up* Yeah! Good idea Danny *smiles* But *ggggggg* Where could he go... Hmmmm... *wonders*

Dan: /To the bathroom?!/ Dunno. You know him better, you should know it.

Lee: Hmmmmmmmmm... we can call Kar... You think he went to Karl? You think he's with him? Oh my God! What if they are together?! Oh no! What if Ben dumped me for him?! What am I going to do?! Whatwhatwhat?!!?!?!??! *runs around the room like a headless chicken* Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?!
: ^^: ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Lee calm...

Lee: *stops in front of Dan and start shaking him* HE LEFT ME! HE LEFT ME FOR KARL! THAT BLOODY SOD DUMPED ME FOR THAT LITTLE **** ************* *****!!!!!! ******** *********** ********!!!!!! THAT NOTHING!!! THAT INFERIOR DRUMMER!!! THAT RINGO WANNABE!!!!! THAT....

Dan: *teeth rattling* Le..e...e... Lee... lll...lll.. let mmm....m...e... go....

Lee: *stop shaking Dan suddenly* You... are right Dan... I should let him... *sniffs* go. *lower lip trembles* Goodbye Benny, hope you'll be happy with Karl. I'll just... could you please... *lowers his head* *whispers* leave me alone Danny?

Dan: *jumps up happily* YES!!! Erm... *coughs* I mean... uh, yes, of course... *takes a huge step in the direction of the door* I'll go home. *another step* You stay here. *another* I'll... go! *runs from the bedroom, happy like a guy that just scored and doesn't have to call* *stops for a sec, his eyes falling on a book lying on the ground* *takes a few relucant step in its direction* *picks the book up, sees the pictures on pages 260-261* I'll, um, *coughs manly* borrow The Book... fine Lee!?

Lee: *from the bedroom* *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail*

Dan: /Damn, I feel so low... but it's their problem, right? I can't be responsible for their problems.../ WOOOOOOOSH <-- *Dan is having a flashback*
*Celin Dion's version of The Best Thing can be heard in the background- You know a song sing the way one SHE could sing it... very touchy*
*everything in a slow motion*
*Dan and Ben meeting for the first time*
*Dan and Ben getting drunk together*
*Dan and Ben fighting over a guitar*
*Lee and Dan laughing over a stupid joke*
*Lee trying to teach Dan how to play a bass guitar*
*Lee and Ben kissing, Daniel watching them with a contempt*
*Darren and Ben kissing, Daniel watching them with a contempt*
*Darren rubbing himself over Ben*
*Darren flirting with Daniel on the stage*
*Darren under the shower, naked*
*Darren in bed, naked*
*Daniel and Darren kissing*
*Darren on his knees, sweat glistering on his back, Daniel entering him slowly...* <-- end of flashback!

Dan: @_@ Um... um... *sighs* I'm pathetic... *puts The Book down* *gets back to the bedroom* Um... Lee?

Lee: *lying on the bed, a plush toy looking like a cat-like creature crushed against his chest* *looks up at Dan with teary eyes* *blinks* *sniffs* ...yeah?...

Dan: Look, Lee... I think *coughs* Do you love Ben?

Lee: *nods* Yeah...

Dan: Won't you fight for him?

Lee: He doesn't want me. He wants Karl...

Dan: /*siiiiiiiiiiiigh* Talk about mood swings... have to be one of those times in a month... *straight smirk* <-- leftover from the *author does that irritating thing with putting the parenthesis with fingers* OLD times/ You don't know that, I mean, he didn't leave a note. Maybe he's... confused?

Lee: *sits up slowly* Benny confused?

Dan: yeah... maybe... maybe you should go there and... You asked me to help you and I said yes, didn't I?

Lee: *nods again*

Dan: Well... I'm helping you. Stand up and find Ben!

Lee: *jumps up* Yeah! I'll find Ben! I'll drag... bring him home!! Karl won't keep my man! Ben's MY man! He's MINE!! Karl gonna have to find himself his own pe... ... man! *puts the toy on the bed* Wait here Mr. Fluffy! I'll bring papa home!

*gasps* So where is Ben? Did he decide to run away home?
What the hell is on page 310?
Why Darren still didn't show up to rescue Daniel? I mean, it's part 2 and still no Diva!
Why the hell am I still talking if probaly noone is reading that anyways?
The answers You'll find in the next part... or maybe not BWAHAHAHAHA! <---evil laughter.