Should the World Fail To Fall Apart

Title: Should the World Fail To Fall Apart
Author: chemical_muse
Pairing: Mikey Way/Gerard Way
Rating: This chapter - PG-13
Summary: Gerard contemplating his relationship with Mikey.
Warnings: WAYCEST. Don't like it, don't read it.
Author's Notes: Another one from Gerard's POV.
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Chapter 2: A Strange Kind of Love


I didn't think today was ever going to end. The fucking endless crowds, signing cd's and posters and all kinds of stuff until I thought my hand was going to fall off. I saw Mikey reach for his inhaler more than once; I couldn't help looking over at him and feeling worried as fuck. It scares the hell out of me when I know he's having problems breathing.

At least we're back on the bus now. In some parking lot in the middle of who-knows-where. I've got no fucking clue. Everybody's asleep -- everybody but me. Funny how the rest of this band could probably sleep through a hurricane, but I'm always up and prowling around in the dead of night. I've never slept a lot, though. Mikey gets on my case about that.

It makes me laugh sometimes. My sweet little brother, fussing at me about not getting enough sleep. It's sweet, really, the way he watches over me. I don't mind. It's because he loves me. And maybe that's the crux of everything we are.

I still can't get his question from last night out of my mind. Why do people think this is wrong? Maybe I've formulated an answer, maybe I haven't. Not so much an answer as an explanation, not that it'd make any sense to anybody but me.

It's not so much that people think it's wrong. It's what they're taught to believe. All their lives, they've had it shoved down their throats that the love you have for a sibling has to be different than the love you have for the person you sleep with, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I believed that when I was younger. So did Mikey. After all, we were raised Catholic. But I stopped having religious beliefs when I was in high school.

I stopped believing that some great benevolent god was going to "save" me and make things all better when I used to get the crap beaten out of me for being overweight. For having long hair, for being "weird." For being the kid who was always drawing, or writing, or doing anything that was different from the norm. And then when I came out -- I got beaten up even more for being "that gay guy."

I wonder what they'd think of me now, if they knew what I was doing. They wouldn't just beat me -- they'd crucify me.

And Mikey. God knows what they'd do to my Mikey. Probably worse. They'd fuck him up for "letting" me do what I wanted with him. For not "being a man," for not being strong enough to say no. I don't even want to think about that. The thought of Mikey getting hurt in any way is enough to make my stomach heave. I can't stand it.

All that Catholic guilt. Maybe that's why we still question what we are to each other. I know that's why I kept feeling like it was so wrong at first. But I couldn't have stopped myself, even if I'd wanted to. When we're kids, we're told that we sin because it feels good. I used to believe that anything was bad if it felt good. Well, this is the best fucking feeling I've ever had in my life. And I don't care if some religious shithead says it's wrong. This is mine, and Mikey's mine. Nobody's taking him away from me.

I've spent so much of my life not having anything. Feeling like whatever I wanted always slipped away from me. It's not going to happen this time. And not just because I want Mikey, not in that "gimme gimme gimme" kind of way. Because I love him. More than I've ever loved, more than I thought it was possible to love.

It's not about the wanting, you see. It's about the love, the feeling I get when he's sleeping beside me, his head resting on my chest, trusting me completely. The way my heart turns over when he wakes up in the morning, opens his eyes and gives me the most beautiful sleepy smile that's ever existed in the history of smiles. It's the way my heart swells every time he says my name, like it's too full of emotion and it's going to spill over because I'm not strong enough to contain everything I feel for him.

I lean my head against the window of the bus. Cold, from the air conditioning, most likely. Not cold enough outside to make it that chilled. It's still the time of year when it's nice outside this time of night, not too cold to go out walking without a jacket. I love doing that, especially when I need to think. It clears my head, takes me out of myself and my problems for a while.

It's another thing Mikey's always getting on my case about. He worries about me going out walking by myself. But I do it anyway. Sometimes, I just need to. Besides, who the fuck is going to attack me? Some teenage girl? Yeah, right. It might happen, but the worst they could do is follow me around like a lovesick puppy.

This is one of those nights I need to go out. I'm just staring out the window feeling restless, anyway. Not a very productive thing to do at 2 am.

I can see the glint of something that looks like water, way back in the park. Probably some kind of man-made lake. Nice place to sit and .... just think. Think about my life. Think about where things are going with me and Mikey. All the reasons that I shouldn't feel the way I do -- and all the reasons why I can't stop feeling this way, no matter what eventually happens.

"Gerard?"

Holy shit. I look up to see Mikey standing there beside me, the moonlight flashing off his glasses and hiding his eyes for a minute.

"Christ, Mikey, you scared me to death." We're both whispering, knowing that any loud noise would wake Frankie up in a second. He's always been a really light sleeper. Funny how he can be deaf to our moans in the bunk a few feet away from him, but if we're doing something like sneaking off the bus for a walk in the moonlight, he knows instantly when we step towards the door to leave.

"I'm sorry ...." He looks down at his feet for a minute, and then back up to me, and my heart melts. I can't resist taking his hand and tugging him down until he's sitting beside me, placing a hand on his soft cheek and gazing into those eyes. Even behind those damn glasses, Mikey has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I could get lost in those hazel depths.

I can't resist leaning forward and kissing him. Every time my lips touch Mikey's, this electric shock goes through me. His lips are so soft -- it's like kissing velvet. Like the most delicate rose petals that open ever so slightly when you touch them.

His arms slide around my waist, and I pull him closer against me. Fuck, he's so thin. He doesn't eat enough, never has. When I went on a diet to lose weight last year, so did he -- for moral support. That's how Mikey is with me. Anything he can do to support me in any way, he will.

He stopped drinking because of me. He's given up so much for me. Sometimes I almost feel guilty, like I've expected him to give up anything even though I know I haven't. But there's this secretive, dark part of me that wonders just how much Mikey would give up for me. Just how much I could make him give up.

I don't want to know the answer to that. I don't need to make him give up anything, dammit. I don't want him to. I just want him to be with me. Without fear, without guilt, without barriers.

I could get lost kissing Mikey. Lost in his lips, the feel of his body against mine, his skin, the warm caress of his breath. The feel of his hands clutching my shoulders, the soft little sounds me makes when I slip my tongue into his mouth.

I swear, if the other guys weren't sleeping no more than twenty feet away back in the bunks, I'd push him down onto the floor and take him right here. It's tempting, but I've got a better idea.

I pull away from the kiss reluctantly, leaving Mikey panting for breath. I'm a little worried; why has he been having so much trouble with his asthma lately? It's almost like he can read my mind; he shakes his head when I open my mouth to ask him if he needs his inhaler.

"I'm fine, Gee. Don't worry." He gives me a reassuring smile, and I swear I can feel my heart turn over in my chest. That smile. That beautiful, perfect smile that carries a silent I love you every time it's turned my way. I can't resist it.

I can't resist him. Never could, never will.

I nod, letting him know that I'm trying my best not to worry, no matter how hard it is. That's a part of what love is about, isn't it? Letting the other person do what they need to, even if it's hard to let them fly sometimes. You just always have to be there for them to come back to when their wings get tired.

"Hey, let's go out." I point out of the window at the glinting of water in the distance. "Looks like there's a lake or something. I want to get off this bus for a while."

Mikey looks out of the window, squinting and scrunching up his nose. I can't help smiling. He's so adorable when he does that.

"Okay." He shrugs, turning to look at me with another little smile. "Let's go."

I don't say anything. I just get up and take his hand, leading him off the bus, towards the water gleaming in the distance. He looks around at first, as if he's fearful of people seeing us. Then he takes my hand, almost clutching it.

It's sweet the way he cares so much if people can see, if they know. Not because he's worried for himself. No he's worried about what they'll think of me.

Mikey, I don't care if people see us. I don't care who knows.

It's time to stop caring what people think, and start living. Now. Tonight.