Ash and Rain

Hey to anyone who's actually reading this fic. xD My work schedule's been pretty crazy the past few days, so I'm sorry-- but this chapter's a little bit short. xD It served its purpose though in giving the readers a bit of background-info regarding Tsukasa and Hizumi... so I'm not complaining. ♥

Thanks to all the cool kids who reviewed too. :D ♥ You guys are the best~!

Chapter two is still Tsukasa's POV for those of you who are reading this. :3

[The Future Has No Past]


Neither of us had said anything to one another the entire train ride home. Not one word. It could have been because Hizumi sensed my discomfort when I'd seen him and the guitarist exchanging rather bizarre glances towards one another...

... or it just could have been because I myself really just didn't know what I could say to him.

It'd always been that way between us. Always. I never knew what I was allowed to say and what I wasn't. Still, it wasn't like Hizumi had made any such guidelines for me; he was too kind for that sort of thing... Over all, it was merely part of a set of rules that I had made for myself, somewhere in the midst of our friendship.

It'd started just like any other tie one lowly human being might have towards another. I had met Hizumi in my third year of high school, gotten to know him a bit... and then the recurring subject of music somehow snaked its way into our conversations. That'd been how we'd started the band Le'veil together along with two of our other class mates. At that time, all he'd been to me was a pawn though. Someone who (if I pulled all the right strings) would end up benefitting me in the end. That's what all of my 'friendships' had been like in the past afterall-- relationships of convenience, you could say. I didn't mind it though-- it wasn't like I really wanted or needed anyone to fall back on.

Of course not. That would be a fatal sign of weakness on my part.

Within Le'veil, we enjoyed minimal success, only really playing shows at local clubs and venues. I suppose that in the end, you could say impatience got the better of us all, since all of the members eventually went their seperate ways... Well-- save Hizumi and I. Something between us just... stuck. After Le'veil's disbandment, the two of us decided to move to Tokyo in hopes of forming yet another band-- agreeing that we would room together until the two of us both secured stable jobs.

That was March of nearly three years ago... and during that period of three years, I found that the way I'd felt towards Hizumi had changed; slowly but surely twisting itself into something more. I no longer saw him as a puppet that I could use and abuse at my whim... he had become... dear to me, for lack of better wording. I'm not sure if you could call the feeling love... Then again, even if it was, I still probably wouldn't have chosen to label it as so. I hated that word... so much. What I would have chosen to call my feelings that had emerged for him was deep adoration; perhaps need. It was difficult seeing him leave when he was able to support himself-- especially after discovering that I wanted nothing more than to just be around him. The purity that he radiated was just too much... addicting. He was the flame, and I, the moth.

I'd never told Hizumi how I felt though, and I concluded that I never would. The last thing I needed was someone I cared about so much-- someone whose opinion I actually valued-- seeing me in such a weak, helpless state. I cared so much for him that I hadn't even touched him once in all the time we'd known one another. I couldn't do that to him... contaminate him with my filth. Never. He'd been nothing but kind and understanding towards me... Even when he spent the night at my apartment like this, I always gave him my bed-- taking the sofa in my living room just to make certain I'd be able to restrain myself. It didn't upset me though... Ever since this torturous infatuation began, I decided that there had to be a middle ground between distancing myself from him and just fucking him senseless. I suppose that this was as close as I was ever going to get to it.

So there I lay at six thirty in the morning, curled on my side upon my sofa, still trying to get to sleep from the draining live that we'd had last night. One would have thought that after such a wild show, it would've been easy to succumb to sleep... however, contrary to that belief, I had found it to be a rather difficult and strenuous task.

The way that he'd looked at Hizumi... but not just that-- the way that Hizumi had stared back at him as well...

It made me feel sick to my stomach.

My eyes screwed themselves shut and I winced... as if I could feel the vomit rising in my throat right then.

Letting my line of vision stray over towards my bedroom where Hizumi slept, I could see several small glimmers of light fighting to shine through the thick blinds that lay over the lone window through the slightly ajar door. Managing to push the thoughts of last night's events away for the time being, I found myself surrendering to yet another small smile. Hizumi...

Glancing back at the illuminated blinds, it was then I remembered the time... Six fourty-five AM. Huh... Nearly time to make tea. I found myself weighing the options... Stay curled in a ball upon my couch? Or get up and put some water on the stove... At that point in time, the former of the two had been winning by a long-shot, for obvious reasons...

... or at least until my alarm started blaring obnoxiously like the noisy son of a bitch it was.

Oh, fuck, no. I'd forgotten to turn that plastic piece of shit off yesterday when we'd gotten home. The one day that we didn't have to do a gig, this had to happen. It figured as much. Afterall, it was a well known fact that Lady Luck constantly liked to wipe her ass with me.

Forcing myself out of the sleep-deprived stupor I'd been trapped in, I stumbled across the hardwood floor of my living room, sauntering towards my room and the source of my worries. But upon reaching it (much to my surprise), I was greeted with pure silence. No more mechanical shrieking... Poking my head through the crack in the door, I could see the dark haired vocalist's hand lazily retreating from the snooze button and back towards his own chest which gave a mighty heave with the release of an equally mighty sigh.

"I'm... I'm really sorry about that, Hiroshi... I guess I forgot about it last night when we got here..." My words were mumbled sheepishly as I ducked behind the wooden door-- half out of embarrassement and half out of apology. Balling itself into a loose fist, my right hand instinctively journey upwards to rub slowly at my eyes, as if that alone might remove the traces of bags that'd formed under them from the sleepless hours I'd spent tossing and turning just last night.

Hizumi just shook his head, peeling the bedsheets away from his small body and stretching his arms out as high as they'd reach. "No, don't worry about it. Remember, we have to go to practice today anyways at ten." And then, he smiled for just a second-- though I could see that it was a hollow one. It looked like... it was attempting to be one of those goofy little smirks that made me just want to go curl up and die... The ones that only served as a cold, harsh reminder to me that I didn't deserve to have someone like him in my life.

Suddenly, all the thoughts of Karyu had come back in full force, causing any pleasant thoughts I may have had regarding the vocalist before me to plain rot out of my skull.

Sonofabitch...

"Do you want some tea...? ... I was just about to put a kettle of water on anyways" I fibbed, willing to say anything right then to shatter the awkward and painful silence that had overtaken us. Hizumi (who by this time had shielded his eyes with his left arm) didn't even make an effort to move at first, eventually gathering the strength to merely move his head up and down once in response. Was he angry with me...? He must've been... I mean-- he didn't seem to want to converse with me...... let alone look at me... at least... that was how it came across.

Hiding the frown that'd snuck onto my face behind the single long tendril of hair that bordered the left side of my head, I slipped out of the doorway and back into the living room towards the kitchenette. Finding the teapot on the back left burner of the stove, I hesitated before gripping the freezing tin handle stretching over the top of the kettle reluctantly-- as if it would shred my fingers to pieces upon contact.

There's something... strange going on between Hizumi and I... isn't there? That's the first thought that'd risen up out of the tumultuous sea of dismal screams that was my mind as my fingers wound around the cold metal I'd previously feared touching. Almost shakily, I dropped the kettle into the sink and started running the water-- the whole room devoid of noise save the deluge of liquid that'd been steadily filling the teapot. For some reason, I found myself watching and listening to the current intently as the water rose inside of the kettle-- as if it were my own personal shrink that I'd made an appointment with on a rainy day... for while the sun was indeed out, making sure that everyone awake at the time would acknowledge it, I could still feel that same ominous black cloud hanging over my head... raining torrent after torrent of undiluted hatred and spite down upon me.

...

"Don't." I rasped sharply, the body heat I'd felt against my back retreating gradually; wiping itself from where it'd managed to reach on my frigid body and restoring the cold stillness that I'd found myself so accustomed to. Nothing had been said in return... but I knew that he was there... I could hear him breathing... pleading for me to let him in, despite the fact that he knew his request would never be fullfilled.

"...... I don't understand... Kenji..." His voice was nothing but a monotonous murmer-- a husk of what it normally was. The perkiness that was usually prevalent in his voice must've been dragged down into sheer purgatory by his overwhelming sorrow and (as I guessed it) frustration. Frustration towards me. "... Isn't... isn't this what you've always wanted...?"

Yes. Still listening to the water, I didn't even want to turn around... genuinely afraid for the first time in a long time to see what sort of look was on Hizumi's face. Instead, I just stared at the wall-- finding myself wishing that he would just drop the topic.

"There's... there's nothing to be scared of, Kenji..... It's what I wan----"

Everything else had become static as I shut him out... even more then I already had in the first place; though this time, I'd been sure to swallow the key.

Slowly lowering my gaze from the wall, I could see that the kettle had begun to overflow-- causing the excess water to spiral down the drain and fade out of existance.

A/N: I don't know when I'll have the next chapter out. I've already got the idea, but it might take some time for me to write it out. ^^;

Please R&R if you get a chance. ♥