Dreams

Chapter two: A day in my hell

The blinding light shinning through the hotel curtains is the first thing I see upon waking up. A night full of horrid dreams isn’t much for a night of sleep and I found myself waking up at least three times, only to pace the room and have a smoke.

I rub the sleep from my eyes and smooth my fingers through my hair, sitting up on the edge of the bed. I sit there for a minute, with my head in my hands, wondering just how much sleep I actually got, and then reach for my half crumpled pack of cigarettes. Taking one out I whine, acknowledging the fact that there’s only two left and I need to buy more. Reaching into my bad I get all my pill bottles that wake up my brain in the morning. I swallow a Prozac without water, along with a couple other anti anxiety and anti depressant meds. This is what I do every morning. It helps me bear the pain of not being with him. A little. I take a few more drags off my cigarette and crush the butt out in the cheep glass ash tray beside the bed before standing up to put clothes on.

It’s only eight o’clock in the fucking morning. Way to early to be up and about, but if I’m not sleeping I may as well be doing something to pass the few hours before we leave. The only people I run into on the way out are a maid who greats me with a shy smile, and the clerk at the desk. Outside, the streets are bustling with cars. Disgruntled people on their ways to shitty office jobs with shitty bosses. The air is cool against my skin and I jam my hands into the pockets of my hoodie jingling some change and my keys around. I’ve never been here before and to be honest I’m not even sure where here is, so I intend on walking around aimlessly, till I find my way back or get lost. The bright sunlight feels warm on my face, but the air is still cool, however it’s surprisingly pleasant.

Every town has some shady little corner store and it’d just be my luck to find one in amongst the cardboard box projects. Stepping over some bums leg and try to ignore him, showing no sympathy. I walk into the store called ‘Jimmy’s’ and listen to the cheep bell ringing above me. Jimmy; a fortyfive-ish year old fat guy, with way too much body hair, is sitting behind the counter in a filthy wife beater and skuzzy shorts, quietly reading penthouse, with his feet on the counter.

“Um…a pack of Marlboro reds.” I request, pulling his attention from the magazine and earning a bit of a sneer. He stands up, muttering ‘queer’ under his breath and pulls a pack down from the thing attached to the ceiling, tossing them down on the counter below before pressing a few buttons on the grimy cash register.

“Three eighty-seven.” He says flatly, rot and stench seeping through his mouth where teeth used to be. I pay the man his money and leave the store quietly, allowing him to resume his porno. People like that make me nervous.

I continue wandering the streets, no clue where I am, only knowing where I came from and the name of the hotel, when a little girl no more than three and a half comes running up to me. I don’t know what it is but something about her softens my insides a little and I feel sorry for her.

“Mistew do you half a dowler?” She’s got long blonde hair, filed with curls, snarled and knotted from being uncombed. Her eyes are blue like sapphires, sparkling like sad pools of tears. She’s a beautiful little girl, despite the dirt on her face and her worn out clothes and she reminds me of how badly I want a little girl.

“Hi.” I say trying to sound as pleasant as possible. “Where’s your mom?” I ask crouching down to her level, and she points to the alley way across the street. “Well I’ll tell you what…” I paused, pulling out my wallet for what cash I have on me, taking out most of it, which is roughly two hundred bucks. But they need it a hell of a lot more than I do. “Give this to your mom, and tell her t buy you some food and some new clothes and maybe a nice doll or a teddy bear okay?”

“Oh thank you mistew!” She says, throwing her arms around my neck, and I hug her back before she goes bounding across the street. I doubt she has any concept of money but hopefully her mother does and isn’t the type to drink it away. I feel a little better about myself as I continue on my walk going through a drive through McDonalds and paying with my credit card. I eat on the sidewalk, stuffing the big mac in my face before gnawing down my French fries. After sitting and contemplating my life for a while I resume my walk, sipping on my coca-cola as I try to remember what direction my hotel’s in.

It’s ten forty-two am when I get back, arriving in a cab after getting lost on the other side of town. We were supposed to leave almost an hour ago. Mikey’s on my case as usual, but I can’t blame him. He’s just worried. He worries about everything. I quickly gather my things from my room and head for the bus where I find everyone laying around in front of the TV.

“So I heard you got lost.” Frank says with a smile.

“Shut up.” I tell him, faking ever bit of anger in my voice, because it’s too hard to be angry with him for real. Especially when he smiles.

Not feeling particularly social I push myself away from everyone to my bunk where I have the comforts of my ipod and my laptop. I don’t just surf the internet, no, it’s much to boring and filled with stupidity. And no I don’t download porn. It’s never really interested me at all. There’s a lack of romance in porn, not to mention way too many hairy old fat guys like Jimmy and way too many ugly Jersey girls with anorexia. I stare blankly at the screen, scrolling through the pages. ‘m/m Mikey and Frank, m/m Mikey and Gerard.’ What the fuck? Okay, okay I admit I have read a couple about me and my brother and yes they turned me on but…it’s just weird. ‘m/m Ray and Bob, m/m Ray and Mikey…’ And finally, ‘m/m Frankie and Gerard.’ I love the stories the fans write about me and him. I wish it could really be that way. Some boring night with a shameless confession of love, followed by endless sex and devotion. But I’m too chicken and it’d never work anyways. He’s with her and he’s straight. At least I think so. So night after night I lose myself inside these little fantasies, crying because they can’t be true, or jerking off because they’re just too good not to.

Simple words thrown together in endless meanings. Words with velvet textures or some as course as granite, brought to life with a simple turn of the tongue. Words to describe a kiss or the touch of a hand on skin. Words that seep with passion until the press of flesh is almost real.

I’m startled by the knock at my bunk and quickly switch to the deviant art page, away from the lavish world I had previously been in.

“Are you gonna come out or what?” It’s Mikey, my dear sweet brother with the geeky glasses and messy hair. “Bob got a new movie, if you wanna watch it get your fat ass out here.”

“Shut up.” I say, playfully smacking him in the back of the head. “I could snap you like a toothpick you know.” I remind him, crawling out of my bunk and shutting off my magical porn machine.

“Yea but you love me to much.”

“Smart ass.”

“Dumb butt”

“Twig leg.”

“Lard butt.”

”Asshole.”

“Cock tease.” I quickly pull his glasses off his face and hide them behind my back.

“Blind mother fucker.”

”Hey no fair.” He says struggling to get his glasses back, but face it, he can’t see and is at my mercy.

“Take it back”

“Okay I’m sorry.”

“Mikey just because you can’t see your crossed fingers doesn’t mean I can’t.” He uncrosses them and holds them up for me to see.

“Okay…I’m sorry. Now can I have my glasses please?”

“Do you worship me, and my fat, and believe whole heartedly that I am a sexy beast, who you must bow down to?”

“Yes.” He says with a sigh and I hand him his glasses. Seniority rules.

I brush past Frank, who’s at the fridge getting beer for everyone and even just that little bit of contact sends me into teenage girl mode; Sweaty palms, nervousness, short breath. Yea, I’m in love, so sue me. I close my eyes and try to concentrate on just getting a safe distance from him, where I can breath again. There’s a movie preview flashing across the screen, Bob eyeing it like it holds the secret to life itself, with Ray sitting quietly beside him.

“What movie is it?” I ask taking up a seat on the couch opposite them.

“Shhhhhh…Shut up!” Bob says.

“Bob…It’s a fucking preview for fuck sakes.” Ray says.

“Oh…what was the question?” Drummers never are the smart ones.

“Just shut up fuck-nut…its mind hunters. Kinda mystery murder thing with the F.B.I. I guess.” Says Ray with a shrug of uncertainty. Mikey sits beside Ray, taking up the last bit of couch, not wanting to sit near me do to our earlier spat. Then there’s Frank. He comes in, arms full of beer and chips, handing Bob a big bowl before passing out Budweiser, earning murmured ‘thank you’s before cans are snapped open. He smiles at me before shutting off the light and sitting next to me, and there it is. That tight crushing feeling, pulling the air from my lungs, making breathing a conscious thing instead of a reflex. He has no idea what he’s doing to me. There’s a whole couch. A small one but still, why does he have to sit so close? His body pressed against me till the warmth of his skin seeps through his clothes and into my cold body. Why do I feel this way? I mean, we’re just friends. We should be close, and it shouldn’t make me so nervous and light-headed, so why does it?

The previews get over and the movie starts and after a while I begin to calm down, but he’s still so close and so warm and he’s just driving me crazy. I wish with every ounce of my being that I could just hold him at night; just wrap his warm body in my arms and kiss every inch of skin on his body until the sun shows through the windows. Or just lay in bed with him all day, accomplishing absolutely nothing. Just feeling one an others bodies so close together; the smell of hair, warmth of skin, press of lips in every soft kiss.

It’s hard to express the emotions I have for him because they’re just so…raw. Like…I feel them and I know they’re there, but I don’t know what they all are and the ones I do I don’t fully understand. I love him. But there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s with her. He sighs and places his head on my shoulder and I try to ignore it, but it’s there. Sucking the air out of my lungs and making my palms sweat. I want to push him away from me and fun from him, but I can’t. I can’t take him in my arms and smooth his hair or love him like I’ve always wanted to either, so I guess I’m just damned to an eternity of this crushing weight on my chest.

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He’s under me. I can hear my own voice, panting and moaning as I thrust into him while he begs for more. ‘Harder, deeper, faster’ he says and I comply until he’s moaning louder than I am, writhing beneath me. Lips move over skin and mouths meet, tongues colliding as our bodies move together. Lips part and the air is filled with deep breathing once again, my hand traveling down his body to stroke him. He looks so fucking perfect. Sweat making his skin shine, his hair mussed up, eyes closed, mouth ajar, producing beautiful noises. His back arches and he leans his head back on the pillow, moaning ‘Gee’ in a light whisper almost, but one so hungry and full of lust.

I half wake up as he cums on himself, and I find my palm pressed flat against the sheets over my crotch as my hips press into my hand.

“Fuck it.” I mutter beneath my breath before pushing down the sheets and slipping off my boxers. I wrap my fingers around myself, wasting no time in working up a quick pace, pumping my hand along my length. I start moving my hips, thrusting up to meet the movements of my hand, replaying the images of my dream over in my head. I just need a quick off so fucking bad right now. I picture him under me again, remembering my dream. How his hair fell around his face…how the sweat on his skin made the ink from his tattoos shine like they’d just been done. The perfect pink of his lips, swollen from hard kisses, his body shuddering underneath my own.

My lip hurts from biting it, but it doesn’t really occur to me. Right now I don’t care if I make myself bleed. I know I’m close. My toes tingle and it’s as if there’s a fire somewhere in me, spreading throughout my entire body. A little moan escapes my lips as my orgasm hits me, cum jutting onto my stomach. My chest is heaving as I try to regain my composer and my lip throbs but the little traces of pleasure sill coursing through my veins is enough to dull the pain.

I reach for my boxers to wipe the sticky substance off my belly, balling them up and kicking them into the far corner of the bunk.

I sit for a minute, breathing still fairly hard. Eventually I’ll roll over and close my eyes. Weather I’ll sleep or not is a totally different question.