Best friends can also be best lovers

A/N: As Ritsu from Fruits Basket would say: GOOOOOMENNAASAAAAAIIIIII! I meant to update this so much sooner but firts I got exams to worry about and then I was already busy with Christmas and I couldn't find any time to translate this. But now, at last, the second chapter is here! Yay, me!
Oh, and thanks to those who reviewed and rated of course... I hope you keep doing so!^_^

Chapter 2

Kaoru grimaced in pain as he woke up the next morning, opening his eyes - he couldn't remember when was the last time he had experienced this bad hangover. He yawned even though it made his head throb only more painfully and tried to get up as slowly and carefully as he could so that he wouldn't die because of this pain.

Hey, wait just a minute...

Only then Kaoru realized that his hand was resting on someones bare and pleasantly warm skin. And when he moved his fingers carefully he could just feel how the person beside him leaned closer and he heard a silent, pleased sigh escape from that somebody's mouth. The problem was, that sigh did not belong to a woman. Kaoru's whole body stiffened as he started to recall things that happened last night. His memories were indistinct and hazy and not very exact, so drunk he had been last night, but he remembered enough anyway and a horrible, empty feeling started to develop inside him. He felt like he could throw up at any minute, and it had nothing to do with his hangover.

Because he remembered how he had been holding other man's hard member and stroking it, he remembered how he had stuck his fingers inside his - Oh, dear god, and besides Die had acted like he was actually enjoying every minute of it and he had let his best friend to touch his own cock and then he had cum in his mouth! What kind of sick bastard was he?! And what would Die do when he woke up? Kaoru remembered how Die had been crying at the sofa after their practise when he was trying to confess his being gay, he remembered Die's words about how he felt he was feeling so dirty... Well, it couldn't be anything compared to how dirty Die would feel after he woke up next to him and realized what had happened between them last night! Kaoru despised himself so much he almost wished he was never born. How could he have let something like that happen?! Die was his best friend and of course Kaoru loved him, but not like this!

He forced himself slowly to get up but he regretted it almost immediately. If he had thought he was in pain while lying there, now his head felt like it was going to explode. This definitely was the worst hangover he had ever experienced... And when he turned to look at his still sleeping friend, the happenings of last night came to his mind more clearly. Die was lying there, his eyes closed, a small smile on his lips, his longish hair disheveled, breathing so peacefully. His jeans and boxers were around his knees and his bare backside where Kaoru realized his hand had been resting made the older guitarist to turn his head away ashamed. The mere thought about his fingers inside Die's butt was everything but delightful and still he remembered that it didn't feel bad at all last night when they were all over each other. He just hoped nothing would have happened so that he didn't have to feel like a disgusting old man that he knew he was!

Right then Die opened his eyes and immediately he was looking at him. Kaoru who was just closing the zipper of his pants answered his friends gaze fearing what would he see in Die's eyes. Hatred, perhaps? Maybe he should say something. But what?

"Mmm... Kaoru...?" Die whispered sleepily and tried to smile. Did he not remember? Die had definitely not noticed his pants were around his knees, that was for sure! Feeling like the most horrible person in the world Kaoru got up from the bed and grabbed his head in pain.

"Die, I... I'll go and get a shower, okay?" he mumbled. "I'll be quick and then it's your turn. I'll look if I got any painkillers, too..."

"Okay..." Die whispered and closed his eyes, clearly still not paying attention to his lack of clothing. The older guitarist didn't even dare to think what kind of reaction would await him when he returned from the shower...

But when he returned from the bathroom with painkillers, Die was sitting in his kitchen looking quite relaxed, water was boiling and, Kaoru noticed, Die had found teacups and teabags and brought them to table. Kaoru owned a coffee maker too, but it was only for guests, and Die had always been the only one of his friends who remembered he actually couldn't stand coffee himself. Kaoru smiled a little - everyone should have had a friend like Die - , but he soon stopped smiling, because the happenings of last night returned to his mind. He went quickly to his room and changed on some clean clothes, then making his way to the kitchen, putting the pack of painkillers on the table in front of his friend.

They drank their tea in silence, neither of them didn't feel like eating because of the hangover, and then at last, after the painkillers had started to affect, Kaoru forced himself to talk.

"Die... About what happened last night... between us..." he floundered, not daring to look at his friend in the eyes. "I just... Well, it... shouldn't have happened at all. I mean, you are still recovering from... your last relationship and me... Well, I'm not gay. I'm not even bi. Die, I'm very, very sorry, I don't know what came over me and it shouldn't have happened... I just... Would it... be possible that... we just acted like it... never actually happened...?"

He finally looked at his friend and noticed the weird expression on his face. He could not tell what Die was thinking, though, and it made him feel terrible. Maybe Die hated him.

Quietly, feeling that Die maybe had not understood what he meant, he added: "You are still my best friend, Die. Nothing can change that. But... when people get drunk, stupid things just happen... And I just wish nothing like that happened... Because I don't want you to... hate me..."

He looked down at his hands, not daring to look at the younger man. He felt so ashamed, but he knew that whatever Die's answer would be, he would take it, even if Die's words were full of hatred or disgust or anger.

"Of course we can be like nothing happened", was however what Kaoru heard instead of loathing words he had so much feared to hear. Raising his head he looked at his friends now solemn face. "You are right. We were drunk. That's just what happened and... I'm not mad at you or anything like that, if that's what you think. We are best friends, after all, just like you said." And after saying that the younger guitarist smiled just a little and Kaoru immediately smiled back. He was so happy Die had taken this so well. He had feared so much Die would hate him forever, that nothing would never be as it had been between them...

He got up and went to get some more hot water.

"Do you want another cup of tea before you go to take a shower?" he asked. "You can also borrow a razor blade if you need to."

Die scratched his jaw and grinned a little.

"Yeah, thanks. I can take another cup. And that razor blade would be cool."


***


The last gig of Dir en grey's tour in Japan had been today and, as always when they were touring in their home country, they were spending the evening in a bar. They had all a great time and they were all nicely drunk - or everyone except for him.

Kaoru was staring at his almost full glass of beer and although he tried to avoid it, his eyes kept gazing at the far corner of the bar where he knew Die was letting some random guy he had met just a few moments ago grope him quite freely. Die was probably the one who was most drunk of their band and he was giggling all the time when the man was whispering in his ear and caressing his thighs through the fabric of his tight jeans... Kaoru didn't know why but he felt an uncomfortable tingling inside him every time he glanced at the direction of the younger guitarist. He had actually felt like that many evenings during their tour when Die had always managed to find some new guy and then make out with him, like he had never been touched before by anyone.

And no one else seemed to notice that there was something wrong with Die's behavior. Toshiya, Kyo and Shinya all seemed to think it was typical for Die to flirt with everyone so freely. And maybe it was. Maybe it was him who was acting weird. Die had been flirting with women in the past the same way, the only difference was that now he was hitting on men. He should have been okay with that, Die had confessed to him he was gay anyway, but Kaoru just couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was seriously wrong.

There had been something different in the way Die acted besides just the fact that he was obviously trying to get laid with any man possible. First of all Kaoru was quite sure he drank more than before - and that was bad because Die had always been a great drunkard - , and he also seemed somehow lost. Kaoru did not know how to describe it, but since no one else had noticed anything he had also kept quiet about the situation - until now.

He knew he couldn't just watch his best friend acting like that anymore, he knew he had to do something. He glanced at Shinya and licked his lips, hesitating. Die had acted weird since he had broken up with Shinya and they had done those stupid things when they were drunk. And since Die had told him it was okay and he wasn't angry because of what they did, Die had to be acting weird because of their drummer. Die had been so sad, so lost when he told him Shinya had left him and the younger guitarist hadn't clearly gotten over it even though it had happened over a month ago. He had to talk with Shinya and now was his chance.

When he and Shinya were left alone when Kyo and Toshiya excused themselves and left to bathroom, Kaoru leaned closer to the younger man and asked quietly: "Shinya... Do you think Die is acting normal?" Shinya, who was quite heavily drunk already, turned his attention away from his mobile phone and looked at him for a while, eventually just shrugging. Kaoru didn't give up though. He couldn't, because when he saw Die and that unknown man starting to kiss each other heatedly on the corner he felt like his intestines were tied to a knot.

"Die started to act weird after you left him!" Kaoru blurted out and Shinya's eyes widened when he spit the mouthful of beer all over the table. Barkeeper eyed them angrily but Kaoru didn't even notice it when he continued. "Die told me. That you two had a relationship and then things started to go wrong and you left him. He was so down because of it. And now he... seems to offer himself to anyone!"

"What are you trying to say?" Shinya asked his brows furrowed.

"What I'm trying to say is that I'm worried about Die! I... I guess I'm trying to say that... couldn't you... reconsider taking him back...?"

Shinya stared at him for a long time as if he didn't understand what he had just said. Then he said: "I left him because neither of us was happy. Not me, not Die. I... Well, to me it was maybe just some kind of... experiment. I found him attractive in a way... And when it comes to Die... He realized he was gay only about a year ago, but he didn't love me. He never loved me, never really wanted me. So I finally left him."

"But why did you get together in the first place if -"

"Kaoru. I was available." Shinya sighed, then continued. "Think about it this way: he realized he was actually gay when he fell in love with someone who's man but he had no courage to tell him about his feelings. Die was lost and scared at that time, he didn't know what to do... I was never the person he loved - not more than a friend - , but we just... somehow started dating. I think maybe Die was thinking that... he could become happy with me when he couldn't get the person he really loved. I left Die because it would have been stupid to be together and pretend when it was all lie and we were not happy at all. Besides I think I prefer women anyway."

They were silent for a while and Kaoru just thought about what he had just heard from their drummer - Shinya had rarely talked so much in such a short amount of time, but now when he had done so, his words had made him confused and even more worried than before. Shinya had been nothing more to Die than a mere replacement... Someone to be with, when he could not get the one he really wanted... Kaoru glanced at the corner again only to see how Die and that man were trying to choke each other with their tongues. Suddenly he felt himself so weak. Was there really nothing he could do for his best friend?

"You know who that man is", Kaoru said slowly to Shinya after a moment of silence. "That man who Die fell in love with. Who he's still in love with, am I right?"

Shinya didn't answer to his demanding stare, he just turned his head away and then muttered: "It doesn't really matter. Die himself knew right from the start that it couldn't work, that it would be no good to even try to get near him that way, so..."

"Shinya, I want to know. No, I need to know. I can't just watch how Die is acting like a best slut, hell, he's even worse than Toshiya when he was still younger and wild!" Kaoru fell silent for a moment, then added: "It doesn't matter to me if Die is gay because he will still always be my best friend, but I can't stand to watch him acting like this! He's hurting inside, I know he is just by looking at him! So please, tell me who is that man he fell in love with."

Shinya was staring at the table and it seemed like he was considering really hard what to do. Finally the drummer however turned to look at him, hesitating.

"Alright then", he sighed. "But if I weren't this drunk, I would never be telling you this, because what you'll soon hear will be something you're not going to like at all."

"Just tell me", Kaoru pressured. Shinya inhaled deeply, looked around just to make sure Kyo or Toshiya weren't returning from the bathroom and hear his revelation, and then he finally spoke.

"Die is in love with you, Kaoru."

For a long moment Kaoru could do nothing but to stare at space, not saying anything. He turned his gaze at Shinya who hid his face by staring at the table as if it was something very interesting, and Kaoru felt like the whole world had just collapsed around him.

"What?" he finally managed to croak out.

"I told you that Die knew he should never even try", Shinya said quietly. "That's why he chose me, because he knew he could never really even dream about you. You are the straightest man Die knows. You are the straightest man I know, too. The was no way Die could have told about his feelings to you. And even if you weren't straight I doubt he still would have told you anything. You are too important to him, his best friend, just as he is to you. He couldn't possibly have taken the risk to loose you."

It felt like someone had been stabbing his heart with dozens of sharp little daggers when he suddenly realized it all. Kaoru couldn't even move now that he knew... He was the reason for this... He was the reason for Die's pain, the reason why he acted like this...

Now he could completely understand Die's behavior that night when they were so completely wasted and went to his apartment and did all those things to each other... He knew now why Die had been so eager and willing, so ready to take his fingers inside him, so eager to touch him with his mouth. Now he understood Die's behavior in the morning when they woke up with a terrible hang-over and their pants around their knees. How Die had just smiled at him and then when he returned from the shower he was there, with water boiling and tea things in the table. Only Die remembered he preferred tea and not coffee...

Oh, how could he have been so blind?! It had been obvious that the night had meant so much for his friend and he had been a little bit shy in that morning, even prepared for tea he knew Kaoru liked, he had wanted to please him, wanted for him to say something about their night at first... And he had been such a fool, shrugged it all off as if it had been a horrible mistake, something disgusting and wrong, he had said he hoped it actually never even happened, and of course Die, ashamed as he was, had agreed and said that was what he was thinking also. Die must have been feeling so bad, though, as if everything was shattered to pieces.

And he had been an idiot.

Suddenly he started to feel like he really needed to puke, this was all too much information for him, all at once. He covered his mouth with his hand and rose up, heading for the bathrooms.

"I told you didn't want to know!" Shinya yelled after him but he paid no attention, he just hurried inside the bathroom as quickly as possible and then opened the first door beside the sinks, which was a really big mistake.

He screamed as he realized there was already someone and his shock made him forget he ever even had a need to vomit. What he saw was his two band mates, Kyo and Toshiya, and in a very intimate position. Toshiya was leaning against the wall and Kyo was right there, kneeling at Toshiya's feet and Toshiya's pants were open and -
It couldn't be true, but it was!

Kyo let Toshiya's hard cock slip away from his mouth when he heard Kaoru's terrified scream and turned to look at him with his eyes wide open, and the bassist looked at him with a somewhat stupid grin on his face before raising his hand and waving at him.

"Um... Hullo?" Toshiya whispered stupidly.

"Let's pretend I saw nothing!" Kaoru yelled still completely shocked, slamming the door shut as quickly as he could in his state of mind. How much could he take one night? First he got to know his best friend was in love with him, then he found their vocalist in a loo with their bassist's cock in his mouth?! What was wrong with this band anyway? How had everybody suddenly turned out to be gay?

He heard Toshiya's giggling from behind the door and he heard the bassist whispering something to Kyo who laughed hoarsely, and when Kaoru was sure the voice's of sex started again, he made his way out of the bathroom, deciding it would be best to go to the hotel already. Die and the man he had been kissing so heatedly with were nowhere to be seen as he got to the table where Shinya was having a conversation with some woman, and Kaoru did not want to know where Die and that man were by now. The whole idea made him feel horrible.

"I'm going to the hotel", he stated and took his jacket from the chair where he had left it when he hurried to the bathroom. Shinya nodded but Kaoru wondered if he had even heard him, for he was so keenly listening to the woman's seemingly endless blabbering. Rolling his eyes Koru made his way out of the bar and took the first taxi he saw. Luckily the driver didn't try to open conversation, he really wasn't in a mood for that.


When Kaoru put his head against a pillow trying to start sleeping, he already knew he would hardly be sleeping at all that night. He was thinking all that had happened earlier in that bar, Shinya's confession about Die, the way Die had been making out in the corner with that man, how he had found his two band mates in a very intimate position at the loo... But most of all he was thinking about Die. His best friend who was in love with him, had been in love with him over a year and he hadn't known anything... Die had chosen Shinya because he had known he was straight and there could never be anything more than a good friendship between them. Die had kept his real feelings hidden from him because he didn't want to take a risk and destroy their friendship, until the night they had been touching each other and Die had thought he felt the same way about him.

But he didn't feel that way about Die, did he? He had been drunk and Die had felt good when he was so near him and it didn't feel weird at all that he had been touching a man back then... But it was only because he had been drunk, right? Kaoru knew he was straight, he had always liked women, he had never been looking at men the same way he did look at women. Never, even though Kaoru shamefully had to admit that, during the first years of Dir en grey, especially Toshiya had looked damnably hot in tights and with all that make-up.

Even Shinya thought he was the straightest man he knew. But Die had gone and fallen in love with him and it was all his fault that Die wasn't himself, that he went and slept with anyone who asked, that he was hurt and desperate... It was Kaoru's own fault but what could he do to help his friend? He surely couldn't force himself to feel the same way towards Die that the younger man was feeling towards him. He had always loved the younger guitarist as his friend but that's that. Die could never mean anything more to him. They could never be more than just friends, because he was straight...

Although... Shouldn't he have been terrified when he woke up with his friend the morning after that drunken night? Well, he had been terrified but mostly he remembered being so shocked because he had feared his friend's reaction. He had been so afraid that Die would be mad at him, that he would despise him, would see him as a disgusting old man who took advantage of anyone while being drunk! Kaoru tried to remember what it had been like to touch the younger man's body, to remember how he had felt about his friend when they were so close to each other, but it had all happened over a month ago and his memories weren't very clear anyway considering how drunk he had been then. But he remembered enough to know he had liked it when it had happened and it had felt so right, and it made him really think.

Kaoru rolled over in his bed, his thoughts wouldn't leave him alone, his mind was full of questions, each more difficult to answer than other, each more stupid than the last and though he tried not to think of anything and just fall asleep, it was impossible. He realized he was torturing himself by thinking of their night together, he realized he was trying to remember the feeling of the younger man's skin against his fingers, his scent, his voice so full of need towards him... And he tried to remember just how he had felt when Die's big, gentle hands had touched him everywhere. He remembered how hard he had grown when Die had caressed his nipples - something no one had never before done to him - , and he remembered the way Die had been holding his hard cock and taking it in his hot and willing mouth and he knew there was no way it could have been more enjoyable if a woman had done it to him. He had liked it all so much with Die. But still... Could that probably mean that perhaps he wasn't as straight he had always thought he was? While drunk you could do all kind of stupid things and no matter how wonderful it had felt to touch and to be touched by his best friend, alcohol had had a big part in that night's happenings. But then Kaoru thought about Die with other men and he felt a familiar feeling in his stomach. As if his intestines had formed a big knot.

Was it just worry over his friend or could it be something more? Was it, perhaps, jealousy over the younger guitarist? And if it was, did it mean he loved him more than a friend, or was he just jealous because Die had sex with other men? For Kaoru couldn't say when was the last time he had had sex if you didn't count the time with Die. He hadn't had sex with anyone except for his own hand for who knew how long time.

But he wasn't like that. He wasn't someone who just used other people for his own desires, who would only want sex from his best friend... Sex wasn't that important to him, although it was important, of course. But if that horrible feeling in his stomach wasn't just worry and it wasn't just because of sex, how could he still be sure if it was love? How could he be sure he wanted to be more than just friends with Die? He had never been in love with anyone in his entire life - he had never really had any time for that - so it was hard for him to tell what could be considered as love. How could he know if this feeling was love? How could he know if he was straight or not? He had never thought a man could be attractive, not until what happened between him and Die. How could he know anything at all?!

And then Kaoru suddenly knew what he needed to do to find out. At first it didn't feel the best idea but when he thought about it over and over, he decided it wasn't that stupid idea after all.

He would ask for an advice from Kyo. Because if he was the straightest person Die and Shinya knew, Kyo had always been no doubt the straightest person Kaoru had ever known. And who had been caught just about an hour ago with their bassist's cock in his mouth? Kyo most definitely hadn't been interested in men at all as long as Kaoru had known him, so whatever had made Kyo realize he liked Toshiya that way, would probably make himself to know if he liked Die more than just as a friend.

He would talk to Kyo tomorrow. He would ask him how did he notice that Toshiya was more than just a band mate to him... And then... Well, maybe he'd knew a little better what to do. At least he really hoped so, because he most definitely didn't want Die to destroy himself with that stupid behavior of his but neither did he want to give his friend a false hope just because he was unsure about his own damn feelings. Kaoru rolled over perhaps already for the twentieth time in his bed and sighed as he closed his eyes. At last he felt he could fall asleep. Shaking all thoughts from his mind he let the sleep come.


TBC...


A/N: Yeah, there was much of Kaoru's silly thoughts at the end. Please excuse me all my possible typos etc. And I know my word order probably sucks but I'm my own beta so try to understand... >.> Anyway, remember to REVIEW and RATE, I want to know what you think so I know if I should add the remaining two chapters at all!