Smother me

Frank's P.O.V.


What had I done?

What had I been thinking?

How could I do something like that?

A million questions zoomed through my head, as I screamed. As I cried, as I wept, as I hurt. I closed my eyes to block his dead stare out, to ignore and hope to forget. But I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget putting a pillow over Gerard's face and smothering him. I couldn't forget, because he was there. He was right next to me. Dead.

***

Falling in love with Gerard was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Always I watched him, and always I knew he watched me. In the beginning I was on Mikey's side. It was annoying having the dorky older brother always around. I guess he grew on me.

The first time I saw him, I saw a shy, annoying and pudgy boy with black hair. Nothing special, nothing that really caught my attention. After spending too much time at Mikey's house, the way I saw Gerard changed. He was no longer this awkward older brother that I didn't want around as I hung out with Mikey. He became somewhat of a mystery, because I didn't know much about him.

I started asking innocent questions about him, things that shouldn't let Mikey know how I felt. Of course he understood, of course he wasn't blind or stupid. He saw that my eyes lingered on his brother, and he saw that my eyes glittered when I asked something about Gerard.

When he first asked me I denied it, but knowing Mikey I finally realized there was no point in denying the fact that I had feelings for his brother.

"Why?" Was all he asked, and I loved him for it. I loved him for not judging, but still wrinkling his nose in an ironic sort of way and asking 'why'. Yes, why? Why did I like his brother so? I couldn't answer; all I could do was stutter as my cheeks turned red.

Of course he didn't pressure me. He just nodded finally and told me I should go for it. I smiled widely at him, because I knew Gerard liked me too. Mikey knew, and their mother knew. That's why it was so easy, just saying it like I did. Just saying it straight out to let him know. To let him understand how I felt.

I scared him, but he still kissed me back when I kissed him.

***

Gerard didn't have any flaws in my eyes, he was perfect. Just… he couldn't see that, and it drove me mad. I tried explaining that I loved him just the way he was. That he was perfect just as he was born, and I wouldn't change anything about him if I could.

But he wouldn't listen; he wouldn't even try to listen. He just let my words roll off him, because he couldn't see it himself. He was ignorant about his own beauty, and it drove me mad. A boy at my age shouldn't have to deal with that. A boy my age shouldn't have to explain to their older boyfriend everyday that he was perfect. That he was beautiful, and loved, just as he was.

***

I could feel my stomach turn each time that he insulted himself. Weather it be with words or just a look upon himself in the mirror. Always it angered me, and always I felt my fingers itch with the need to slap some sense into him. Of course I never hurt him, of course I never would.

Except…

We made love, for the first time, and it was perfect. He was nervous, I was nervous, but we were perfect. He made me feel amazing, and I did everything I could to make him feel just as good. I knew I was doing a good job when he was moaning beneath me, his eyes shut and his mouth wide open. I knew I was doing something right when he threw his head from one side to the other in pure lust.

And he did everything right, because he made me feel like my whole body was on fire. We were just perfect, simple as that.

But afterwards, when his clothes were on, I saw it on his face, he was ashamed. He was ashamed because I had seen him naked, and it made me sick. It made me angry, and it made me lose control.

***

I really didn't mean to.


***

It took me less than a minute to recall everything about Gerard. Everything he had said, everything we had done up until the exact minute. It took me one minute to understand what I had done, whose life I had ended. And I refused to let him be dead; I refused to let him be gone.

"Please wake up!" I screamed as I started panicking. I had learned first aid in school, and after another five seconds filled with panic I found the right place on his ribcage where I had to place my palms.

I pushed firmly, counting to five, refusing to do it wrong. I blew air into his lungs, and my salty tears fell on his pale face.

"Please, oh God please Gerard." I cried as I took my mouth away from his and placed my hands on his chest, counting to five once more.

My whole body shook, and my forehead was dripping with sweat. I sobbed loudly before once again applying my mouth to his, blowing life into his lifeless body.

"WAKE UP!" I demanded, because I needed him to wake up. I needed him to be alright, I needed him to not only have his eyes open, but to see me through them. To move his lips against mine, to hold me close, to take my guilt away.

I needed him to be alright, because I loved him so much.


A/N:
There will be another part, because this turned into a short-story of three or perhaps 4 parts.

So R&R! ;D