Broken and Confused

Tom failed another drug test, but that was no surprise. He hadn't passed one since he got here. You'll have to get better sooner or later, Tom. Why not now? Why not show your brother you can. Everyone had heard about their encounter, and to Tom, they've blown it way out of the water.

"No thanks." Tom had said sourly, shrugging before he left the room and went to find Darik. Darik had a new stash. Fresh. Strong. Even strong enough to make Tom forget why he was so pissed when he got in the room. "I'm gonna go outside," he said. He was as high as he was all those months ago. Doing and saying things without thinking. Without caring about what could happen. He sighed contently when he got outside, the air cooking his heated body before he slid down one of the walls to sit and lay his head against it.

Bill was going crazy; literally. He came to the mental institution to get answers from Tom - to help make him better. Not to avoid Tom, not to not talk to him. He talked to no one unless forced to talk with the nurses. He slept in until someone literally had to come in and stay there for at least twenty minutes trying to wake him up enough to actually get up and out of bed. He rarely ate, which made him much thinner than he already was.

It was to the point where he finally just snapped. He missed his brother so much, and it was hurting him to know he was so nearby but didn't care enough to seek him out. It was killing him, not seeing him. He walked around, talking to a few people to figure out Tom's whereabouts. He walked outside, a small smile spreading across his face before he fixed it with a determined look. He approached him, looking down at Tom. "Tom." He perked an eyebrow. "We need to talk," He sat himself down next to his brother, close enough that their arms were touching.

Hours could have passed and Tom wouldn't have known, he talked to people without letting their faces ever focus into his mind before they walked off again. But then he heard that voice, the one voice whose he would never forget no matter how high he was, no matter how hard he tried. Tom's eyes snapped open only to see Bill sitting down next to him and he shifted a little, his arm burning where it was resting against Bill's.

"I thought we already did that whole talking thing, Bill..." he said, the words slipping through his lips without him thinking. He didn't want to say anything, knew he shouldn't, knew he should just walk away. But couldn't. He was to high to move, to high to do what was right this time. "That didn't turn out so well last time, probably wont now either..."

Bill frowned. He could smell that distinct smell he'd gotten sick over so many times, the reason he cried so many nights... the reason his Tomi slipped through his fingers and never came back. He couldn't let that affect it, though. He needed answers. Maybe now that Tom was high, he could get real answers. Answers the real Tom was afraid to admit. "It's worth a try," He had to try different methods. He'd start out innocent, sad, small and fragile... if it didn't work, he'd have to resort to his last option of being a complete bitch until he got what he wanted. "Tomi... what happened?" He asked, voice quiet and small. "Its killing me, not knowing." He sighed softly. "Explain it to me. Make me understand."

Tom closed his eyes, maybe if Bill thought he wasn't listening. He'd just go away. But no, Bill started talking again ad he bit down on his lip, flinching a bit. No. Not now, don't talk to him now. "He came over... looking for you..." Tom said, remembering it clearly, saying it before he could stop himself. "I didn't know where you were, he said he'd stay and wait. He wanted to take you somewhere special, I remember that stupid look on his face..." He scowled a little, shaking his head, his fists clenching. It was the first time Tom had ever actually spoken a word about it.

"I was high... So fucking high... I knew he should leave. I wanted to tell him too, but more of me didn't at the same time. He went to go get something to drink and I followed him... saw the knife... stabbed him. He screamed and I did it again... then he fell..." Of course, he didn't mention why, Bill didn't ask why he did it. He asked what happened.

Bill flinched as Tom explained what happened, visibly. He hadn't meant to, it just happened. He couldn't help it. Anyone normal would if they had to listen to their brother explain how he killed their boyfriend. The anger that seemed to form over Tom, how his fists clenched when he mentioned that he wanted to take Bill somewhere special and the look on his face. It broke his heart. Why couldn't his brother just be happy he found someone who he wanted, who actually wanted him back?

"Being high doesn't make people just suddenly have the urge to kill someone. He had to of done something, said something... anything to make you snap. Why did you do it?" He pressed on, his hand moving up to grab Tom's upper arm gently, trying to soothe him. He didn't want to make the other upset. He needed to know the information, no matter how badly he was hurting or how terrified he was to even be around Tom.

Tom's eyes snapped towards Bill when his twin touched his arm and he quickly shrugged out of his touch. Bill frowned when Tom shrugged out of his touch. He placed his hands carefully in his lap, staring back and forth from his brother's hands to his face.

"I never once said being high is what gave me the urge to do it... being high... I just never thought about what I was doing. It gave me push do it. I hated him, Bill." He growled the last words, fists wrapping around the grass beneath him and he pulled it out, dropping the now dead blades and doing it over and over again. "It was the look on his face. Like he fucking knew. Like he was taunting me. He was going to take you somewhere." His hands started to dig into the dirt, he needed to do something with them, "He was going to make you smile. He was going to hold you, kiss you, make you smile that damn smile." He growled, shaking his head and closing his eyes, "All the things I wasn't fucking allowed to do."

Bill had never remembered having such a feeling in the pit of his stomach when he was around Tom, and especially not because of the latter. That scared, nervous feeling. The feeling that Tom was suppose to protect him from. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he urged them to leave. He could cry when he was alone in his room. Not in public, not in front of Tom. He couldn't cry in front of him anymore. He didn't understand what Tom was saying. His boyfriend made him happy, so that meant Tom had to kill him? That made him hate him? It didn't add up. Most importantly... what the hell did Tom's last sentence mean?

"I don't understand," He said, desperation clear in his tone. "Why did you hate him because he made me happy? He made me so happy, Tom." He swallowed, shaking his head. "I don't... I don't understand. You hated him because he kissed me, held me and made me smile?"


Tom knew he was supposed to take care of Bill, knew he was supposed to protect him. But somehow, the feelings of just being a big brother escalated into something else, something that just couldn't admit out loud, he couldn't even admit it to himself. Not the exact words at least.

He looked down at his dirt covered hands at Bill's words, quickly turning and slamming one of them against the wall next to his twins head so he could lean in close to his brother, "Yes. I hated him because he made you happy. Because he could do all those things and I couldn't, Bill." He snapped, his other hand reaching up to wall on the other side of his brother, "Don't try to understand. You never will." He said, pushing himself up, stumbling and barely keeping his balance. Only knowing he had to get away from Bill.


Bill frowned and quickly stood up. He adjusted his shirt and then stepped in front of Tom. He knew he wasn't stable enough to get away from Bill. Maybe if he wasn't high he could escape, but not this time. Bill wouldn't let him and Tom wouldn't be fast enough. He gripped Tom's shoulders, careful not to hurt him but enough to make sure he wouldn't fall over.

"You're my brother. Are you trying to say you wanted to do those things? Kiss and hold me? Why would you want to do all those things with me of all people?" He asked, eyes filled with nothing but confusion as he stared into his brother's eyes. It was killing him. He missed being to stare into Tom's eyes and automatically know what he was feeling and thinking. Hell, before Tom got into drugs he could sense what he was thinking and feeling without even being in the same area with him. "You have to make me understand. Stop the hurting, Tomi. Make it better." He pleaded.

Tom closed his eyes, breathing hard, his chest rising and falling quickly under the double layers of shits he was wearing. Why did Bill have to find him now? When the hell did Bill get stronger then him? Surely it couldn't be because of the drugs... he sighed. Yes. Yes it was. He knew he could get away if he was sober. He would be able to lie easily if he were at least a little less high.

"I don't... know why, Bill. I just know I do." He said honestly, finally looking at his brother again, his eyes clouded over with the high. He reached his hands up, not caring they were dirty, and laced his fingers into his brothers hair. Not hard, he would never hurt Bill like that- he loved him. That was just that... he... he was in love with Bill. "I just know... that I love you... too much..." he said, his words stuttered trying to figure out how to say it. "I can't make you understand, I can't stop you from hurting, Bill. I don't know how. I told, I'm crazy." He tugged softly on Bill's hair, needing him to understand that much, since nothing else could possibly make sense. "I belong here. I have since we were little."

Bill's breath caught in his throat. He was waiting for Tom to explain that wasn't what he meant. What he got was much different and so unexpected. Tom couldn't have been admitting to being in love with Bill, could he? His stomach churned with polar opposite feelings, warm butterflies and a sick feeling. His mind was hazy, brain basically flying out of his mind.

"You don't mean that. You don't know what you're saying," He wanted to shake his head, but couldn't. Tom's dirty hands were in his hair. "You got upset that I wasn't with you as much as I was before I got with Kris, and you missed me. That's all. I love you, and you love me back the same amount. You're just high and not in the right state of mind. I don't think you belong here, you're not crazy, Tom! You just need to get clean. That would clear everything up for you. It'd be so much better."

Tom let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head and finally letting go of Bill. Bill asked. Tom told him. And Bill didn't believe it. Funny how that went, the first person that he'd ever told the truth about what happened that night and why and he wasn't believed. "Bill, I just told you the truth about everything, only because I'm high. I can't think quick or right enough to come up with lies. Why I only get this high on the weekends... when no one has to talk to any counselors." Tom told him, leaning against the wall again so he didn't have to hold onto Bill or Bill to him just to stay upright.

"Yeah... I got upset with you spending so much time with Kris." He said with a nod, "S'why I had to kill him. So he couldn't see the smile that you only gave him anymore. The one that was so... so adoring. So, in love. You had a different smile for a lot of things, Billa." He could still remember each one- out of everything he had forgotten because of the drugs- none of that was anything about Bill. "He got to be alone with you, he'd see the way your hips moved and not have to stop himself from staring, not have to stop himself from watching your lips, not having to stop himself from just grabbing you into his arms just so he could keep you close to him. Feel you're heart beat against his." He was rambling now, not even looking at Bill, more talking to himself then anything.

"I was jealous.... he didn't deserve you. He was just a pretty face. He didn't care enough. He wasn't right."

Bill's chest tightened. He believed Tom. Ever since Tom started to do drugs, he became a terrible liar. He was just afraid and confused. Tom couldn't possibly be in love with him. That was wrong, it was incest... twincest. He hated that Tom had to bring up those things. Possibly because of all the memories that started to form in his mind, all those lazy days spent in Kristoffer's arms, cuddling and kissing and not having a care about anything else. All of the compliments, how appreciated and loved he felt. The fact that Kris was really starting to fill up the hole in his heart that Tom had put there.

Tom had become distant. He was so high all the time he couldn't even function properly; they never had their movie nights, never really hung out just because anymore. Tom was never there for him when he needed him most. Kris helped him through that, and though Bill didn't like admitting it, it was a big reason why he felt so connected to him. He tried making him feel better when Tom couldn't. Then it hit him: all those things Tom said, watching his smile and hips and grabbing him in his arms. Had Tom done that? Watched all of those things - had those thoughts of just wanting to hold him? Tom, his twin brother.

"You weren't there for me anymore. You were like a ghost. You weren't my Tomi anymore. He helped me when I was beating myself up over that, tried to make me understand that it wasn't my fault... but it was, wasn't it?" He stepped closer to Tom, sniffling. "Am I the reason you're a drug addict now, Tom?"

Noticing all those things was why Tom had started the drugs in the first place, because brothers just don't notice things like that about one another. It was wrong, and Tom knew it. It was why he never acted upon it, why he used drugs to distance himself from Bill, to keep himself from noticing more. But it never worked- although it kept him and Bill apart and Tom from doing or saying anything, it didn't keep Tom from noticing like he had prayed like all hell that it would. Tom listened to Bill, though he wasn't looking at him, he was staring at the ground, his foot digging the hole deeper that his hand had started awhile before.

"I couldn't be there..." he said softly, "It wasn't safe or right for me to be around you." He looked up at Bill, shaking his head, "But no... it's not you're fault and you're not why I'm a drug addict, Bill. I am. There is something seriously wrong with me, and it's the only way I know how to deal with things." He sighed, closing his eyes and hitting the back of his head against the wall.

"You didn't make me notice things about you... my mind did. And I tried to make it stop, and now I'm here. And now you're here... and you shouldn't be... tell them you're better, Bill. Tell them you wanna go home. You got your answers... right? Go home. Get away from me. As fast as you can."

"No, Tom. You chose not to be there. I needed you. Hell, I still do. You're my twin, my soul mate, my other half. I can't live without you." He said, and meant every word. He needed Tom. "It's always right for you to be around me. You would never intentionally hurt me, so it's still safe." He insisted. He had to prove to Tom that they needed one another.

"Don't bang your head against the wall, you're going to hurt yourself. You're just confused. I swear to you Tom, the drugs are not helping at all. It's making things so much worse. If you just stopped, got help enough to get clean, it could be all better. It can stop. Kris isn't here anymore, we can go back to always hanging out with no one in our way. I don't want to go home. I came here to get answers and to be with you again, Tom! You're my twin and I need you just as much as you need me. I obviously need you so much more..." He sighed. "I am never leaving you for good. I don't want to get away from you."

Bill still needed him? But. No. No, Bill couldn't mean that. Not after everything Tom just told him, not after he knew exactly how and why he killed his boyfriend, could he? Maybe... maybe Bill did belong here too, if he still wanted to be around Tom after everything he just said. "You're wrong... I do need you..." he finally said, gulping back some. "But I can't get clean... I wont detox." Detox was just way to fucking painful.

Bill let out a shaky breath. "Tom, you have to get clean. It'll make everything better." And he really believed it. If Tom wasn't so high all the time, maybe he would be able to get his mind straight. He would realize that hey, he only loved Bill as a brother and he was just jealous that someone was taking their bonding time away. That was what he told himself, anyway. He made himself think that if Tom was sober it'd be better.

Being sober would make him face what happened, would make him face reality, he wasn't ready for that. Besides, he liked being high. It took him out of the real world... out of the world where it was wrong to love and want Bill the way he did, the world where everything he wanted and everything he already did was illegal. Sent him to another world where nothing mattered. But... something mattered. One thing mattered. "Unless..." he gulped back, why did Bill have to find him today of all days. "It's really what you want, Billa... what will make you happy." That was really all he ever wanted to do, make Bill happy- be the only one who could make Bill happy.

"It would make me happy if you got your shit together and faced your problems instead of turning to drugs." He frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. He was so unbelievably mad and upset at Tom that he would kill Kris, but he had to help him.

There was obviously something wrong with Tom to make him think that he needed to eliminate the other. He was just a confused boy who needed help. If he got clean, the institution could help him and Bill would help the best he could as well. He just wanted Tom better, his own emotions and the fact that he was so fucked up over all of it was besides the point. That didn't matter to him.

Did Bill really understand what he was asking? There was a reason that Tom got into harder and harder drugs, there was a reason he hadn't been sober even once in over a year. Because when he was sober, it was actually harder to control himself. Well, around Bill. Tom knew he was in love with Bill, knew that he wanted Bill. Sober was when he realized it! He gulped, sighing and shaking his head. "Fine..." he said, looking up at Bill.

"But you know that just because I get sober, it isn't going to change any of the facts, right?" He asked, wanting Bill to know that it wasn't going to change his feelings, that it wouldn't change the fact he was crazy, change the fact that he had killed Kris- felt no regret about it- and wasn't getting out of here anytime soon. "All it's going to do is put me through a shit ton of pain, and bring me back to this world. What was already fucked with my mind isn't going to change. I'm gonna love you no matter what, I would have wanted to kill him no matter what. Sure, maybe I wouldn't have done it. But the thought would have been there."

"No, Tom. If you got clean, you'd face reality and learn to be strong enough to deal with it. I would help you through whatever you needed help with. Life is hard, but it's not impossible sober. You killed Kris after you started drugs. You might have thought you loved me already, but I know if you were sober you wouldn't have gone as far as wanting to kill him. I know that. I knew the old you, Tom. You wouldn't hurt a fly." That and if Tom was supposedly "in love" with Bill, there were tons of people in the world who were in love with people who were their best friends, their friends or sister or brothers significant other... it rarely lead to murder.

"And I mean it, I'm telling you that you're not in love with me. I'm nothing to be in love with. We're just twins, of course we're going to love each other more than normal siblings would. Even normal twins. That doesn't mean we're in love, Tomi." He shook his head.

Tom sighed. No. Bill didn't understand. Not at all. He never would. But even high, Tom knew he owed Bill. Knew he had to give him what he wanted- even if Tom knew it wasn't going to help either of them at all, even though it would hurt him. He had hurt Bill. Unintentionally, of course, but he still did. Tom would do it, and when Bill realized it was better when he was on the drugs, Tom would just go back. He didn't want to stop anyways. But apparently the only way that Bill was going to truly understand Tom's mind frame was if he was sober.

"You're not gonna like me sober either," Tom sighed, pushing himself off the wall, his head starting to hurt as his high started coming down. The higher he was, the harder and faster he came down. He needed to smoke. Just one more time before he quit... just once. And now. "And Billa... please don't tell me how I feel. Because, you're not me. Only I can know what I really feel." It was more obvious now he was coming down, his voice was harder, more like the day before.

"I know I will, Tom. I grew up with you sober, until we were like, fourteen or something. You were my best friend." Yeah. Until Tom realized he was in love. Bill really was ignoring that whole part, at least, it seemed that way to Tom. But he wasn't going to bring it up again. It was making his head hurt worse trying to make Bill understand. He had warned him more then once, he had already told him the truth. What did Bill with the warnings and information was up to him, believe it or not. There was nothing more Tom could do to prove it.

Tom was like a stranger to him. He didn't know him at all anymore. "But Tom, do you know what you're saying? What would you do if I randomly came up to you and said I was in love with you?" He paused, sighing. "Never mind, don't answer that." Tom didn't understand his way of thinking. If Tom thought he was in love with Bill, he probably would be happy if Bill's feelings were reciprocated. "I'm really nothing to be in love with, and to kill for. I want you to know that. Think you could get that through your thick, stubborn skull?" He asked, trying a little to lighten the mood. He didn't want to talk about it much more. He felt dizzy, like he was going to pass out. It was all too much.

He raised a brow at Bill's first question. If Bill did that? He would think his twin was just as crazy as him, be happy Bill was just as crazy... it would have been good in Tom's mind. "Yeaaah.... no. No I wont." He said honestly again, smiling at his twin, "Because no matter what you say, I'll still know that you're perfect, that there is so much about you to love." He left out the 'to kill for' part. Though Tom couldn't honestly say he wouldn't do it again.

"You're so crazy, Tom." Bill said, immediately regretting it. It sucked not being able to say that anymore since Tom was technically crazy in a literal sense. He didn't exactly know how to make it sound better, though. Tom knew he wasn't saying it in a harsh way. "You of all people should know I'm the furthest thing from perfect. I mean, come on - have you seen me when I first wake up? I look like a zombie with a bad hair day." He shook his head. "And my mood swings are a bitch, and I'm too stubborn for the life of me, and look girly and hold grudges and get mad easily and ramble about nothing important and.."

Finally, he was right about something. Tom smirked at him a little, shrugging his shoulder. The older twins smirk only turned into a smile as Bill went on and he actually laughed, shaking his head. Bill was glad to hear Tom's laugh. It was nice. He watched Tom step closer to him, unsure whether or not to be nervous because of it or glad that he wasn't trying to keep his distance as much.

"Yeah, trust me, I've noticed all of that, Billa." he said, taking a few steps forward until he was closer to Bill, "And all of that is you... which means it's perfect too. It makes you who you are. And plus," he smiled, tugging on the ends of Bill's hair a little, "It's all cute on you." He said as he turned away, heading towards the doors to go back inside.

The conversation wasn't one he wanted to be having with his twin in all honesty. It used to be okay, Tom comforting him and assuring him he was perfect when he wasn't in love with him... but now, now it was on a whole new level.

When Tom just up and turned around, walking away, Bill's mouth opened and he let out a little grunt. "Where are you going? You're just gonna up and leave in the middle of our conversation? Tom!" He squeaked, following him inside. He was pretty tired. He wondered if he could go take another nap before he was forced to eat. As Tom continued to walk through the doors to the building, Bill huffed.

"Fine then! Just leave. I'm going to go sleep." Pouting, he walked inside to go do that.