The Kensington Horror

Body


"And look at this one, darling! It has a pretty fishy on it! See?" Freddie held up a stamp with tweezers for Jada to admire, then carefully mounted it in an album. "And look at this pretty fishy, darling. It's prettier than the last pretty fishy. But the pretty fishies aren't as pretty as my pretty little kitten." He kissed the baby's nose. It was about nine-forty-five the next morning. He was sitting at the kitchen table in their Kensington flat, with a stamp album and damp sponge. Jada was on the table in her little baby carrier, watching everything with large solemn dark eyes.

"Hey, Farroukhster?" Tianna came into the kitchen with a handful of envelopes almost ready to mail. "Have you seen the roll of stamps I ---- hey, what are you doing!? I just bought those!" At least it answered the question of where they'd gotten to.

"They're the new ones, darling. First issue," he pointed out, carefully mounting the second pretty fishy stamp in his book. "And I do wish you'd buy sheets, not rolls."

Tianna started to ask if she could have the rest of the roll back, but realized the futility of it and gave up with a sigh. It was her fault for encouraging him, she supposed. Years ago, when she'd first been trying to impress then-art student Freddie Bulsara, she'd bribed her sister into sending her books of uncanceled US stamps. Oh well. Maybe Jim Beach would be a love and let her borrow his postage machine.

"By the way, darling, Jada wants to be a princess for Halloween," Freddie informed her.

Tianna had to laugh. She put the mail down and picked the baby up. "Is your father getting a litbit bit ahead of himself, babe?" In the hospital, Jer Bulsara had taken one look at her granddaughter and exclaimed, "She looks just like Fari!"aninaning Freddie, of course.) Even after seeing some baby pictures (much to Freddie's embarrassment,) Tianna still wasn't convinced. Then again, all newborns looked alike to her - cute pink formless blobs that smelled like baby powder. "Want to come with me and see if Jim will let us borrow his stamp machine?" She started out the door, then looked at Freddie. "Are you okay after last night?" He and Opal had been awakened by a nightmare that sounded eerily similar. They had bdreadreamed a city made of black stone that seemed to be underwater, or at the very least subterranean, and of hearing strange chanting that they'd both said was "words but not words." Neither of them had been able to make any of it out.

"I'm fine, dear. Too much curry powder," he said with a wan smile. "Was Opal all right?" He'd slept right through her leaving for school.

"Fine. Absolutely fine," Tianna replied with a smile, kissing him quickly on the mouth. "I'll be back in a little while."

~*~

"Hello, like, uh, Beach and Lockwood?" Vikki Barrett, the slightly less-than-able receptionist, said into the phone. "Uh, like hold on and all - like, wait! Like,uh, who's like calling and all? Oh. Like wait and all-----MADDY!!!!" The blonde turned from the phone to yell toward the break room, not covering the receiver. "THERE'S LIKE A HAMBURGER ON THE PHONE FOR YOU!!!"

Maddy, who was actually about three feet away plugging in the copier that Vikki unp unplugged to plug in her curling iron, looked around. "Who?"

"Like a Hamburger. It's like a girl and all," Vikki said.

"Oh," Maddy sighed, going back to her desk and picking up her line. She knew who it was now. "A?" S?" She frowned. "Vikki, you have to put her on hold so I can pick up." Jim was going to rue the day he'd had this snazzy new phone system installed. Anything with more than one button was a bit beyondki'ski's grasp.

"Like, okay." Vikki promptly disconnected the call. "There."

"Uh, Vikki?" That was Holly, the other (also blonde) secretary. "See that little button marked "HOLD?" The one they made bright yellow so it's easy to find? That's the one you use to put someone on hold. You don't push the button for your line again. That hangs up." It was only about the fifteenth time since day before yesterday, when the new system had gone live, so to speak, that someone had tried to explain it to the receptionist.

"Like why is this so hard and all?! I'm like not a brain doctor thingy!" Vikki pouted in what was possibly the understatement of the year, crossing her arms under her breasts and her legs high enough to hike up her microskirt to the city limits.

Holly looked over at Maddy, who was trying to dial the caller back. "Hamburger?"

Maddy shook her head. "Amber. Deana? It's Maddy. Is Amber there? Darn, then where did she - never mind--" She hung up and grabbed the other line before Vikki could. "Beach and Lockwood, this is y - y - hi Amber. Sorry about that."

Holly looked at Vikki. "How on earth do you get "Hamburger" out of "Amber?"

Before Vikki could try to explain that one, the front door opened onto Tianna and Jada Mercury. Right behind them was Carlton, this time dressed in a t-shirt proclaiming PARTYING DUDEMEISTER and another pair of ill-fitting painter's pants. "Lookit what Partyman got! Partyman got him a partying Oohn-jow-a board! Yeah! Rock on! Party!"

"You got a what?" Tianna said, bewildered.

"An Oohnjowa board. You know, like you can talk to dead people and all with!" He held up the box. "Maybe Partyman gonna party him down with Jack the Ripper on Spooky Day! Yeah! Rock on!" He dropped the board and put down a super-duper jumbo-sized soda cup to beat his chest and yell "PAAAAAAAAAR - ARARARARARARRRRR - ARARARARARARRRR - ARRRRRRRRATYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

Tianna looked at the baby. "And we can only hope that he's too dumb to know how to use it."

"Carlton, please, I can't hear!" Maddy said. "Amber, what did you say?"

"Partyman! Partyman! He da man! If he don't party no one can! Party! PARTY! PAAAAAARRRRRRTYYYYY!" Carlton pumped his fists in the air, then grabbed Vikki and started tickling her under her blouse, to much delighted screeching. Moments later, however, he was beaned in the head by a well-aimed stress squeeze ball.

"Carlton, I am on the phone," Maddy said. "And more to the point, this is a lawyer's office. Do you mind?"

"You're so square, Mads. You're square! Totally spherical, dudette!" Carlton mocked, or tried to.

Maddy gave him a withering look and he backed off, moping, but contenting himself wkisskissing Vikki a big sloppy wet hello, feeling up her rear as he did. Tianna headed back to "borrow" the postage meter. "Remember those funny things your father was putting in that book?" she asked Jada. "Well, I actually bought those to mail these with. You see, you have to stamp something before you can mail it." she explained.

"What happened?" Jim said, coming out of the breakroom to see who Tianna was talking to. "Oh, it's the new arrival!"

"In the flesh. And the Pampers," Tianna said, holding out the baby for Jim to admire. "And remember that roll of stamps I bought? Freddie put them all in an album on me. That's what I get for marrying a philipatrappist."

Jim burst out laughing. He'd lost envelopes many times to the unlikely stamp enthusiast. ("Freddie, let me keep the envelope, okay? I need the address----")

"Marr a w a what?" Holly looked around.

"Phillapatatist. You know, stamp collector," Tianna replied, not at all fazed by her complete inability to pronounce "philatelist."

"Philippa---" Holly looked at Maddy.

"That's not as bad as the time Darryl got that weird fancy word blowblow job mixed up with the Italian word for ice cream," Maddy said, looking around as Vikki and Carlton vanished giggling out the door.

Tianna looked around. "That was in Christerfero's, wasn't it? I remember some jerk very snottily asking the waiter for plain vanilla fellatio. Freddie nearly snorted linguini out his nose."

"It's gelato, isn't it? The ice cream, I mean," Maddy added quickly.

"Yeah, babe. And I am not going to get into what plain vanilla fellatio is," Tianna added. "Mon Dieu, speaking of Freddie, he and Opal both had the worst nightmares last night. Simultaneously."

Maddy looked around. "Really?"

Tianna nodded. "Something about being in a city made of gray and black stone blocks and hearing this weird chanting. It freaked them both out pretty badly. I thought---"

"Brian had the same dream!" Maddy exclaimed, inadvertently interrupting Tianna.
Tianna looked at her. "The same dream? Absolutely the same?"

"Well----" Maddy related what Brian had told her. "But Tigi, this has been going on for over a week now. He's been having the same dream. Only in this one he was able to make out what they were chanting - at least part of it."

Tianna looked at the other girl sharply. "What were they saying?"

"Something about Cthulhu," Maddy replied. "Cthulhu and ---- Relyah?" Over breakfast, Brian had told her more of the dream. Maddy had tried to write some of what he'd told her down on a paper towel. "Cthulhu fuh-tagen? Something like that. And Relyah."

Tianna put her free hand over her mouth, then said between her fingers. "I think we'd better go have a look at that Necronomicon. Jim!" She turned to yell over her shoulder. "I'm g to to approprate your secretary for an hour or so!"

"Go ahead," Jim replied with a laugh.

~*~

However, back in the Mystic Grove, they made a rude discover
"
"Someone bought the book this morning," Deana told them.

"Who?" Maddy said, looking nervous.

"I don't know. Pete was in here at the time, and he took off until r ner next week," the other girl replied.

Maddy looked at Tianna. "Now what?"

Tianna thought for a moment. "I have to call home for this one, babe. Hopefully my dad can find the info I need." She thought about it for a moment, then looked at Maddy, her milk-chocolate eyes thoughtful. "Can you ask Brian to get hold of a star chart from 1925?"