Mending Hearts

Shannon watched Adam work his muscles in silence. While he and Adam still roomed together and were very good friends, he could feel the distance the taller blond put between them, and it hurt the small man. He'd just begun to learn to trust Adam and was even getting passed what Matt had done to him, but the Canadian kept the barriers up. And Shannon knew with a certainty why. He knew Adam intended to make good on his promise to do what was best for Shannon no matter what it did to him. As much as the small blond appreciated the gesture, it didn't sit well with him at all.

He was grateful for all of the protection he was receiving from his colleagues, but he was also tired of feeling like a responsibility they bore together. Terry and Chris always kept him in their sites backstage, protecting him from perceived potential predators like Kanyon and Bill DeMott. Now that was a laugh. Those two had been friends of his since WCW. In fact, Chris Kanyon had been instrumental in getting Shannon his WCW spot. But Benoit and Terry only saw strangers they didn't know well approaching their smaller friend. Shannon believed it was partially guilt that motivated them, as they hadn't protected him from Matt. They reasoned that Matt was also a friend of his and that hadn't stopped him from using Shannon for sex.

And now Adam seemed to be looking to them for support in his intention to emotionally distance himself from Shannon. Well, that plan wouldn't see fruition. The small blond thwarted it at the first sign. Adam had gone to Terry and Chris to ask if they wouldn't mind one of them switching rooms with him for a while until he could find his roommate a new travel partner. He didn't count on Shannon using their bathroom as a pit stop at that exact moment. The small blond ripped open the door and eyed the Canadian furiously, probably shocking the hell out of everyone in the room.

"Am I that repulsive, Adam?" he demanded.

"N-no!" the tall man replied. "It's just that I think it would be better for you to room with someone else."

"Why?!" Shannon demanded.

"Uh, maybe you two should talk this out and come back when you reach a consensus," Chris suggested glaring at Adam as if to say, 'Behave.'

Adam nodded and Shannon, still fuming, led the way back to their room. Once inside he rounded on his roommate and let loose his fury.

"I'm tired of this!"

"What are you talking about?" Adam asked still in shock.

"I'm tired of you trying to protect me from yourself!" Shannon yelled. "That is it, isn't it? Cause the only other explanation makes me feel like a slut!"

"WHAT?!" Now Adam was starting to get angry, much to the smaller man's satisfaction.

"If you're not trying to protect me," Shannon reasoned in a dangerously calm voice, "then you're just tired of waiting around for me to have sex with you."

Shannon knew he was using unfair emotional tactics but Adam's actions left him no choice. If he didn't deal with this problem completely, the other man would find a way to stop rooming with him and Shannon would lose contact with him altogether. And that was something the small blond would not let happen. Somewhere along the line he began to love Adam Copeland and he was determined to keep this relationship stable.

"I swear to God that's not true!" Adam ranted, his face growing redder by the minute. Shannon just hoped he didn't burst a vein before this was over.

"Then you think you're dangerous to me, then?" he asked.

Adam just shrugged and plunked down on the end of the bed looking away.

"I won't let you leave me," Shannon finally admitted, drawing Adam's wide- eyed gaze back to him. "Not after all I've been through. Not after everything you've done to help me."

"I didn't do anything."

"You SAVED ME!" Shannon screamed. "And you can't even see that! That really makes me mad, you know."

"You would have been fine without me."

"No, I wouldn't have," Shannon said with feeling. And he believed it. There was no way he would have let anyone help him through his pain if Adam hadn't broken through his depression when he did. And Shannon knew with a certainty there was no way he would have survived a second breakup with Matt. He had already been close to giving up beforehand. One more push would have done it. Shannon didn't like to think of himself as a weak man, but he was sensitive, and there was no denying what he'd contemplated. But Adam didn't know that yet.

"Terry and Chris were watching out for you."

"Terry and Chris wouldn't have been able to stop me."

Adam looked confused for a second, then comprehension dawned in his eyes and he looked downright terrorized.

"Shan, don't say what I think you're saying."

"What?" the small blond countered. "You don't want to hear what I was contemplating the day you asked me to room with you?"

"Don't."

"You're not curious?" Shannon taunted softly. "A razor blade's a tempting thing, you know."

"Jeff would be destroyed if he heard this."

"Matt had taken him away from me then, remember?"

"Still."

"A razor is messy though," Shannon interrupted. "And toow. Bw. But all hotels have roof access for some reason. You ever notice that?"

Adam just shook his head in stunned silence.

"I know it," the small blond went on. "I go up there a lot when something bad happens to me. Went up there the night Jeff came to see us. Remember that night?"

Adam nodded.

"Don't worry about me flinging myself off any rooftops these days, Ad," Shannon said softly. "You've helped me get passed what he did to me. I just want you to remember that when you're beating yourself up about your own past, okay?"

Adam nodded again, deep in thought.

"No more talk about leaving me," Shannon added. "I won't stand for it."

Adam looked up again and stared at him, then nodded again.

That was three days ago, Shannon sighed to himself. Adam didn't try to switch roommates anymore, but he didn't let Shannon get any closer to him. It was going to be a fight to get him to understand that Shannon trusted him no matter what he'd done. But Shannon would be up to the task. This one wasn't getting away so easily.

*******************************

Adam pushed the barbell up and down carefully. He didn't want to re-injure his neck after all of that time sitting home. Then again, maybe it would solve some of his problems. He looked over at Shannon who sat watching him from a short distance away. Nope, that wouldn't work either. The kid looked determined about what he'd said the other night, and Adam had a feeling he was now being pursued.

The night Shannon admitted to the temptation of suicide Adam became physically sick. He now knew that if Matt's plan hadn't been discovered, the young blond would likely not have survived the second dumping. And what would Adam have done? Would he have taken Jay back if his former lover had cooperated with Matt's plan and helped break up Shawn and Lance? Adam would like to think he wouldn't have, but Jay's forgiveness meant a lot to him and, without having Shannon anymore, he might have taken Jay up on the offer. This was all so much to assimilate.

And Shannon trusted him now. How could he trust him when Adam had all but confirmed that the rumors about what he'd done to Jay were true? Wasn't the small blondriedried that history could repeat itself? No. He'd already said so repeatedly the last three days. Shannon believed that as long as Adam was aware of the problem and determined not to repeat it, it wouldn't happen. But the taller blond wasn't so sure. Old habits were sometimes very hard to break. And he had been aware at the time that Jay was hurting. It didn't stop it then, why would it now?

Terry and Chris questioned him a couple of days ago about what had happened. Adam didn't want to betray Shannon's trust as to what he had been thinking when Adam happened upon him that fateful day. So he told them he was worried his past with Jay would wreck things with Shannon. They just assured him that it wouldn't, just like Shannon did. But Adam couldn't trust himself so why should he let them?

He knew he couldn't leave Shannon, though. The small blond had said he wouldn't allow it. And he knew that Jay couldn't speak to him right now, so there was little chance of forgives at the moment. But if he did eventually get it, that might be the key to his dilemma. If he could get Jay to at least hear him out, then he might be able to trust himself again. And then he could open up to Shannon completely.