The Voice of a Prophet

THE VOICE OF A PROPHET

Chapter Twenty One

SHINJITSU

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            “I screamed out your name…

            Even my voice will probably never reach you…

            But you know, I’m okay with that.

            Someday in my heart you’ll be…”

             How ironic.  How deeply, painfully ironic it all was.  Not even the roaring of the audience could make me feel alive.  Was it the bright lights above that were blurring my vision as I looked out into the dark sea of bodies?  No… lights couldn’t make my sight waver as if the fans were delicately dancing in a pool of rippling water.  It was the first time performing that I didn’t feel real.  My body was entirely numb.  Numb to anything but this pain that encompassed me.  I felt distant.  Like I wasn’t really here.  Everything around me seemed as if it were all just a dream…



Or rather a sobering, malevolent nightmare.

          “I’ll dream tonight, dreams of you.  Because of that letter I put under my pillow.  My dreams are too cruel, my breath is cut off.  I always painfully awaken at four in the morning...”

            I stood front and center of that wooden, illuminated stage, feeling tiny and insignificant.  Pathetic and useless.  Unimportant, pointless, unintelligent, lonesome, unpleasant, horrid, heartbroken, disgusting, worthless, and raw.  I could think of a hundred more words to drown under.  So much that I almost missed my next cue.

            “Time is too long, time is too painful.  The dreams don’t stop.  Love freezes to death on a cold night.  On this long night…”

            Love.  Such a stupid emotion.  The devil himself must have created such a thing, knowing the pain and torment it brought.  There was no such thing as happiness.  No such thing…

My voice cracked as I sang my lament, my dark eyes unfocused as I spiraled further and further into this depression.  The full venue couldn’t even lure me out of it, beckoning for me to be alright and continue with their cries.  The wailing of the instruments were only faintly registered in my mind, myself carrying out still if only because it had become second nature to me by now.  I heard the music, I felt the audience, and my mouth moved, voice pouring out.  My body slumped as if I had no life left in me, the crowd screaming and raising their arms like they could support me.

How fitting that I sang Zakuro tonight.

“My consciousness splintered and powdered, memories scattered about.  Holding your ring so tightly that my tears wet the pillow…”

My hand must have been shaking as I held my microphone, every intake of breath a shuddering gasp holding back just that.  Tears.  The audience must have thought I was simply submerged within the music, themselves being forced to struggle downward with me and feeling my pain.

It hurts, doesn’t it?

My band members must have also been relishing in the atmosphere thickly surrounding us right now, playing out their parts with perfected ease.  It was all so… surreal.

No one would know I was truly suffering…

Trembling, my eyes through the veil of tears begging to spill over glanced at the wrist clutching my microphone.  The white skin so pure, so delicate, so unmarked by pain.  If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  That’s what they always say, right?

“So I couldn’t hear it, I blocked my ears to your voice… one more scar added to my wrist.  Melting into the wound, you…”

Kaoru.  I couldn’t take it.  Even now, I couldn’t get my thoughts off of him.  Even now, knowing that he didn’t care, just knowing that him, the man that I loved with every fiber of my being was just to the right of me, completely oblivious to my agony, taken, was killing me inside.  He never knew me.  He never would.

My sob echoed through the microphone as I slowly sank to quivering knees.  I was losing my composure, and everyone would think I was doing nothing more than performing.  That the next song I’d simply bounce back to life.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the audience, hunched over and curling into myself.  I have failed all of Dir en grey, putting on a miserable show like this.  All because I let my heart have say over my head.  Stupid.  Where was that mask I used to be so good at hiding behind?

A loud explosion suddenly jolted my body out of wallowing in self-pity, feeling as though I had been thrown heavily to my right as I stumbled to my knees.  A crackling spark followed as I fell heavily to the stage, a uniform shout from the audience telling me that whatever it was had surprised them just as much as it had me.  My eyes tried to dart to see what had happened, but were instead met with a blinding flash of light.  Immediately my ears began ringing.  When my head stopped swimming and I finally could focus on the source, one of the show’s lights was smoking and sizzling.  A quick glance around told me that it was no big deal, the others were continuing as nothing had happened while a stage hand rushed out to quickly take care of the problem.

The show must go on.

Pushing myself back up on one foot I gripped for my microphone, ignoring the stinging sensation throbbing at the left side of my head.  The ringing was getting balefully louder, increasing in volume and pitch as it hummed through my ears.

Or ear, as it were.

“I am breaking, burning the letter, it’s reduced to ash…”

Who was that, singing for me?  The voice sounded distant, hazy through a fog.  Through that damned ringing.  Furrowing my brows I pushed on, ignoring the tremble of my vocal chords as I opened my mouth to try again.

“I am breaking, destroy my heart, it’s reduced to ash…”

That voice was me.  My own, and I was terribly off tune.  I was shaking – from the explosion, from the adrenaline, from my feelings, from the idea of failing my band like this.  Failing him like this.  Gritting my teeth against the high whine in my head that was now giving me a sharp headache, I tried to ignore everything and push forward.

“I am breaking, losing you… I love you.”

I sounded like I was underwater.  As I finally looked up at the audience I could see them cheering, urging me to continue on even if I wasn’t perfect, but something wasn’t right.  Was I so terrible that only half of the crowd was screaming now?  I didn’t dare turn to look if the others were just as displeased with me.  So I tried again.

“I am breaking, losing you… I love you.”

I could hardly focus past the shrill sound hissing in my ear, the sharp pain attacking the left side of my head.  Everything was falling apart for me.  With a frantic sob I pushed myself harder, squeezing my eyes tightly shut from all the pain that came crashing down on me all at once as I balled up pathetically on stage, fighting with myself.  Striving to please at least him… even now.

“Aishiteru…  Aishiteru!”  I screamed out hoarsely, frustrated with my sound, aching from my heart.  My ear popped as I wailed, simply letting my real self finally unfold and be looked upon underneath the hot lights for the first time.  It was all because of him.  Because of Kaoru.  If I had never fallen so hard for him to begin with, my heart wouldn’t be pulsing with acid to know he had slept with Toshiya.  Knowing that he didn’t care for me like I so desperately wished he had.  Knowing that every single stupid little thing I ever did was all for him. 

“Aishiteru!  Aishiteru!!”  I thrashed on stage, desperately trying to shake this haunting feeling from me.  Desperately trying to get my voice to comply.  Desperately trying to stop the hurt, stop the reality, stop the ringing and the crying.  I was desperately trying not to fuck up anymore.

“Aishiteru!!”

I was frantically trying to get him to listen as I screamed out over and over and over again how I really, truly, disturbingly felt deep inside for Kaoru, finally spilling the truth for the entire venue to hear.

Exhausted, my body finally succumbed to the ringing and my world went black.

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AUGH I AM SO SO SO SO SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is so hectic around here, which is good I've got enough commissions to make decent money on... but it's bad for writing time. xD



But I wanted to take a moment to really thank my past and new readers!! Those of you who ahve stuck through since the begining and still look forward to updates, and the new comments I get from those of you who stay up all night reading non-stop really inspire me to keep going. I feel like I NEED to see this story though, and not just leave it 'cause it's not just a one shot.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! It's so nice to sign on and see a LONG comment about how this is your favorite story. <3<3<3 (Lord knows there's a whole hell of alot of Diru fanfiction out there).