The Voice of a Prophet

THE VOICE OF A PROPHET

Chapter Twenty Two

AKUMU

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 I am breaking… losing you… I love you…

 I am breaking… losing you… I love you…

 I love you…

 “Kyo-kun…?  Kyo-kun?”

 I could hear a voice past all of the suffocating darkness, begging to smother what tiny flame I had left in my soul.  It was consistent, kind, caring… but it was not Kaoru.  As I slowly swam closer to consciousness I could hear a dull roar, cheering and screaming faintly in the backdrop of my mind, over and over and over three simple words:

 Dir en grey!  Dir en grey!  Dir en grey!

 Cracking open dark chocolate orbs and finally coming to I felt dried tears clinging to my lashes, my lungs taking in a deep inhale of awareness. 

 “Kyo-kun, daijoubu ka?”

 I simply lay there a moment, reveling in my surroundings.  Aside from the piercing headache I felt immediately throbbing in my skull and the faint ringing I swore I still heard in my ears, I realized I was lying upon a couch, my surroundings still slightly hazy.  As my dark irises flit about I noticed that several people gathered around my fallen form, ranging from stagehands to band members and even our manager. 

 “Daijoubu ka, Kyo-kun?”

 I nodded without even thinking hard on it, pushing myself to a seated position.  I was backstage, the audience outside eagerly waiting for my return sounding dull.  I was handed a bottle of water that I accepted favorably, but soon Manager-sama was kneeling before me, shining a bright light into my eyes.  What the hell?  Naturally I winced away, making a slight face.

 “We have to finish,” I stated rather suddenly, frowning at how shitty I sounded in my own head.  Unfortunately that wasn’t a dream.  Cracking open my water I helped myself to a gracious portion of it, feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach.  No matter, I’d get over it soon.  Exhausting myself on stage always took its toll on me.  Capping my drink I pushed myself to a stand, but the world suddenly seemed like it rushed at me, my headache spinning out of control as the room tilted to one side.  I tripped over my own feet, sending me crashing into Inoue at my right who thankfully caught me, aiding me back to a seat.  My head felt like it was going to split in two.  I groaned, feeling the need to vomit rising despite the fact that I had already done so pre-show and there was nothing left in my stomach.  Raising my left hand I cupped the side of my head, as if I could get this immense, sharp pain to subdue.

 “Kyo!”

 I practically jumped in surprise at the urgency (or was it irritance?) in my leader’s voice, turning to face him with a confused look on my smudged features.  I was trying to get back out there, I really was.  Please don’t be upset with me.

 “Did you not hear me?”

 I could only dart my vision from one eye to the next, brain churning for some sort of a response as I stared at him inanely.  What had he said to me?  After a moment or two of nothing from me, I slowly shook my head.  No, apparently I didn’t.

 “Can you sing?”  He asked again.  Without question I nodded.  Of course I could sing.  It’s a matter of me doing it well that’s another story.  But then again, I never really thought I sounded any good to begin with, so I guess nothing’s changed.  Kaoru nodded.  “Genki.”  And with that, he walked off.  I couldn’t help but sigh then, bowing my head over and curling up on the couch to cradle my left temple again.  It was always business with Leader-san.  I’m beginning to wonder how on Earth I even thought otherwise.  As I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to block out all pain I heard a tiny whine escape me but I ignored it, shoving everything onto the back burner for now.  I needed to focus.

 Dir en grey!  Dir en grey!  Dir en grey!

 “Maybe you should see a paramedic…”

 I hardly heard the redhead’s concern over the humming in my ear, but nothing got past Inoue.

 “What hurts?”

 Everything.  I wasn’t about to sit here and tell my boss of my heartbreak however.  “I’m fine.  Just give me a few minutes. ”  I growled, irritated at the flock of people that insisted on surrounding me.  Hoping they would get the hint, I brought my other hand up to mask my features.  I faintly heard footsteps as the crowd began to dissipate, but our manager never left my side.

 “I’m taking you to the doctor. ”

 “Iie.”  I snapped back at him, muffled behind my gloved hands.  I hated doctors.

 “Kyo-kun, you don’t have an option.  We’re going. ”

 I lifted my chocolate orbs to him, narrowing them sharply.  “It can wait.”  I practically hissed at him, matching the malice I felt in my head with my voice.  I wasn’t a child, he didn’t need to tell me what I was going to do and when.  Besides, did he mean now?  I had a show to finish.  I watched as he gestured for a stage hand to come near, and when he turned over a shoulder to mutter in rushed Japanese to him, I found I couldn’t pick up anything he just said.  I furrowed my brows.  When he finally looked at me again, the look on his face told me he wasn’t messing around.

 “No, it can't.  We’re going.  Now."

 I couldn’t argue with my manager.

 We canceled the show.  We were told we would play a special concert to repay them once I ‘got better’.  The other four musicians toyed with the audience, throwing water bottles and pics, apologizing for having cut it short.  Before anyone was allowed to leave, I was being escorted out the back doors with Manager-sama and a few others working for us, stripping out of my costume jacket while they helped me into a more normal attire and acted as my body guards.  As I was leaving I heard the entire audience (in an attempt at unison) crying out, wishing me to ‘get well soon’.

 I couldn’t help the tiny smile that appeared on my face.  Even if he didn’t love me, at least I had thousands of fans who did.

 The hospital felt entirely too cramped for my tastes, despite the fact that there were hardly any people there.  It must have just been my hatred for such a place.  The drive here only made my nausea worse, so by the time I was seated in the waiting room I must have looked like I was about to pass out.  I blamed the pale makeup I was still painted in.  How embarassing.  My hair was still somewhat styled, even as I leaned helplessly against the arm rest at my side, still wearing my costume pants and button up.  Thankfully I had changed out of those heeled boots before leaving.  My head was swimming, the ringing in my ear having dissipated completely but instead now everything sounded mute.  I don’t know which was worse.  I couldn’t even hear Inoue at my left asking questions as he filled out my paperwork for me.  Maybe I hit my head really hard.  Honestly, I felt like I just needed to fucking sleep, and let all of this wash over me.  I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. 

 Maybe I wouldn’t go back to work for a couple of days.  Then Kaoru and Toshiya can have all the fucking sex they want together without fucking up the god damn band.

 “Niimura?”

 Our manager had to practically hoist me to my feet since I didn’t hear the clerk calling out my name, too lost in my acidic, bitter thoughts.  My hands were shoved into the pockets of my jacket as I followed into the doctor’s office, head bowed to the floor.  I hated doctors.  It was a waste of time and money, all they would tell me is shit I already know.  I’m a fucking musician, this is normal.  ‘Go home and get some rest’, they would say.  As I sat the doctor and manager exchanged some words, but I could hardly make sense of them.

Maybe I’m more tired than I thought.

 The doctor prodded tiny lights into my ears, trying to see the inner workings of demented little me.  He stuck some device inside that hardly made a sound, asking if I could hear the mosquito’s hum.  He asked what happened, what hurt, if I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach.  I tried explaining to him that I always felt like this after a show, but he seemed not to care about my excuses.  Then why waste my time asking questions?  I sighed, mentally fuming in my head.  He had me lay down and took an x-ray, but strangely, only on my left side.  The whole while he was chattering away, firing off question after question.  He asked what I was doing, if anything different happened on stage.  I told him I was singing (what else?) and about the failing light.  After he finally seemed satiated, he stepped outside.

 Inoue gave me a worried glance.  I just wanted to go home and sleep for a week.

 When the doctor returned, the first thing out of his mouth didn’t make me feel any better.  “Kyo-san… do you want to hear the good news, or the bad news first?”

 There was good news about today?  I was completely unaware.

 I said nothing as I lowered my head, preparing for the worst.  Why not?  My day had been entirely shitty as is, and this was just the icing on top of the cake.  Fucking wonderful.  The doctor took my silence like I was bracing for the bad news as he sat across from me.

 “The explosion shattered the bones in the middle of your left inner ear, leaving you with partial hearing loss.  The ringing that you’re hearing in your head is called ‘Tinnitus’, it will come and go.  There’s also a possibility that it’s permanently damaged.”

 … … … I’m… deaf…?

 “Any treatment would try to improve your remaining hearing, and if it gets any worse, you may need to develop coping skills.”

 I couldn’t even bring myself to acknowledge that I had heard his words at all, simply staring at the tiled flooring underneath my hanging feet in stunned silence.

 … … … I’m deaf.

 “Kyo-san… I really stress that you need to start wearing earplugs when you perform, else this might progress to complete deafness.  The good news is, there’s a slight chance it could improve, as long as you take care of yourself.”

 … I’m… a musician… and I’m deaf…

 “I’ll bring you an I.V. to make the pain, ringing, and nausea go away, then I want you to go home and rest.  You look really worn out.”

 I didn’t even nod as he dismissed himself again, leaving me alone in my misery.  The gentle touch of a hand upon my knee just barely reminded me that I wasn’t physically alone however, Inoue trying to reassure me as he rubbed comfortingly at my leg.  “I’ll call the others…”  He said, and gave me some privacy.

 

 … I’m fucking deaf.

 Once the door clicked shut I let out an angst-filled cry, tipping my head back and letting the raw sound of emotion escape me even as I slammed my fist into the flimsy table I was seated on.  As if today couldn’t get any fucking worse.  Maybe after I left here I’d be hit by a bus and just end it all.  Why was this happening to me?  Was I really such a disgusting creature that Kami-sama wanted to fuck up my entire life?  Dropping my head pathetically into my hands I stooped over on the table, emitting a tiny whine.  My hearing was shot.  I wouldn’t be able to correctly hear the music anyone wrote, let alone sing in tune.  My last performance with Dir en grey was entirely shitty, and I left the fans hanging with promises to be better next time – there wouldn’t be a next time.  And on top of that, my heart was broken.  The one human being I desired more than anything in this entire, wretched world… was fucking someone else.

 I’m so… stupid.  No wonder Kaoru didn’t want fucked up little me.

 I pathetically was just about to start crying when I heard that door open again, my manager stepping inside once more.  My dark eyes shot to him instantly, noting that he was extending his cellular out in my direction.

 “It’s Kaoru-san… I tried telling him to wait, but he insisted on speaking with you right now, Kyo.”

 Kaoru.  I frowned deeply, looking at the phone like I’d never seen one before in my entire life.  Even now as I stared the thing seemed to be swimming in my vision slightly, and I could feel the heaviness of salty tears balancing precariously on my bottom lid.  As long as I didn’t blink, they wouldn’t fall.

 “Kyo?”

 The leader’s voice was electronic and faint coming from that receiver, and after a brief moment of silence I finally shifted, taking it with numb fingers and lifting it to my… good ear.  I didn’t say anything, though he must have known I took the phone when he heard the light scuffle.

 “Kyo!  Why didn’t you tell me you were in pain!?  I wouldn’t have asked if you could sing… you know that, right?  I wouldn’t have made you finish.  …  Kyo-san?  I’d rather you get better than keep pushing yourself…”

 

 I blinked.

 Two crystalline tears slid like silk down my pale cheeks as I pulled that receiver away, his voice disappearing into the backdrop of my surroundings.  I gave the phone back to a very confused and concerned Inoue, feeling like a zombie even as he took the thing from my seemingly lifeless hand.  I too could dimly hear the manager as he asked if I was alright, but I gave him no answer.  Just as I gave no answer to Kaoru.

 I would never get better.

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So like.... xD I'm sorry this has taken me forever. xD I was more than stuck and every time I opened up the word document to type, I just stared at it blankly. Truth be told when I first started writing TVoaP I had it all planned out in my head exactly up until this point, and had NO idea where I wanted to take the storyline afterwards. Only because I've had such great, patient readers who are so kind in their commentary and really look forawrd to this story have we all made it to see Chapter 22. Thank you all!! <3



I finally think I found out where it's going to go from here, at least for a little bit, so I'm not stuck anymore.

RxR please! 8DDDDDD Comments motivate me!