Captivation

 Chapter 23. Patience

I go to my room, still cut to the core by Tom’s vindictive words. Taking out a shirt from the cupboard, I bring it up to my face and smell it. I slip off my own shirt and put this one on, the soft fabric caressing my skin. It belonged to Keiichi. I curl up on my bed with my brother’s scent all around me, familiar and very much missed. When I wear one of his shirts, it comforts me. It’s like being hugged by him. Sometimes I can still feel him there, can feel his warmth, lying beside me. But when I reach out, he’s not there. He’s gone.

I’m a twinless twin.

And it hurts so fucking much.

“Kei,” I whimper, closing my eyes and curling up into a self-protective foetal position. “Why did you leave me?”

A long while later, I wake with dried tears on my face. Hours have passed. I must have fallen asleep and dreamt about my brother. That’s the only thing that makes me cry. Whenever I dream of Keiichi it feels completely lifelike, as if I’m actually there with him but when I wake up and realise it’s not real it only makes the loss and heartbreak return even more painfully and crushingly. It makes me question my sanity, not knowing if I’m ever going to heal or move forward from this soul-destroying grief, or if my lonely mind is just fracturing even further beyond all hope of recovery. Instead of lying in bed and sobbing for what I’ve lost, I get up, take my brother’s shirt off and start to train, violently punching and kicking the hanging bag in the corner, venting my frustration and anger.

Sometime during my work out, the phone rings. I’m instantly alert. Something must be wrong in the twins’ room.

“Bill?” I answer, frowning as I push my hair back and hold the receiver to my ear. “Is that you?”

“Yeah. It’s me.” He’s whispering, as if not to wake Tom. “I’m sorry to be calling so late.”

“Don’t worry about it. Is everything all right?”

“Yes, I just…I can’t sleep.”

He’s quiet, offering no further explanation but I can sense his anxiousness from here.

“Is there something you want to talk about?” I ask gently.

“Not in front of Tom,” he eventually whispers, fearful of his brother awakening and overhearing whatever he might say to me.

“We could talk in my room if you prefer,” I offer. “How does that sound? Would you like me to come and get you?”

“Okay,” he replies in a hushed tone.

I go their room and quietly open the door. Bill’s waiting for me, dressed in sweat pants and a T-shirt. We sneak out without a sleeping Tom suspecting a thing. As we walk down the concrete corridor side by side, Bill notices in the dim lighting that I’m sweaty and my hair is hanging in damp strings. Plus, I’m not wearing a shirt.

“Um, did I interrupt something?” He speaks hesitantly. “Were you…with somebody?”

“No. I was alone.”

“Oh…” He sneaks a glance at the veins sticking out of my pumped arms, probably thinking I was jacking off.

Chuckling, I return, “I wasn’t doing anything sexual. I was just working out. You know, training and getting some exercise.”

“At this time of night? It is night time now, right?”

“It’s about 2.30 in the morning,” I grant him.

“You couldn’t sleep, Koji?”

“Not really.” I look across at him and the fatigue dulling his normally sparkling eyes. “Guess that makes two of us, huh?”

He nods glumly, but doesn’t offer any reasons for his sleeplessness. I’m sure he’ll tell me what’s wrong soon enough.

I quickly make sure my room is presentable for visitors and then invite him in. He looks around while I splash cold water on my face and chest in the bathroom. Towelling off, I comb my long hair and fetch a clean shirt from the closet. Even though I have my back to Bill, I can sense him watching me as I’m putting it on, so I make sure to stretch my muscles nicely for him, smiling to myself a little. I love it when he watches me. I adjust the back of my pants, letting him see the tattoo I have at the base of my spinal column, just above my ass. It’s a capital ‘K’, inked in black swirly Gothic font. My brother had one exactly like it, only his was on the nape of his neck. His stood for my name, mine for his. Bill is smart. I’m sure he realises what my tattoo means and who it stands for. I mean, I don’t love myself THAT much that I’d get my own initial permanently etched on my skin.

When I pull the bottom edge of my shirt down and turn around the teen singer has quickly looked away and is suddenly marvelling at the antique samurai painting on the wall. Avoiding my gaze, he pokes the punching bag chained to my roof – making it swing a bit, picks up a framed black and white photo of Kei and I and then checks out the CDs in my collection including Rammstein, The Prodigy and Static X, all motivating to listen to when I’m training.

“Oh, Negative!” He is reading the back of a CD case.

“You like them, Bill?”

“Of course. Especially Gravity of Love.”

“Yes. It’s one of my favourite songs too.”

I know he didn’t come here to discuss my taste in music but instead of asking, I sit on the bed and wait for him to initiate the topic of what’s really bothering him. Eventually, he takes a breath, turning around to face me.

“Koji, I’m so, so sorry for what Tom said to you about your brother.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t say it.”

“I know but it was simply awful. I couldn’t believe he’d say something like that.”

“Don’t worry about it - I’ll work it out with Tom later.” I tilt my head questioningly at the brunette boy in my room. “Is that what’s upsetting you? Or is it something else?”

He gives a tiny shrug.

“You can tell me anything, Bill.” I pat the mattress beside me. “Come here. You know you can trust me.”

Swallowing, he lowers himself down on my bed, pressing his knees together and tucking his hands between his thighs in a very nervous manner.

“Tom hates me,” he blurts out, sounding upset. “Last night, we were so close but now… He doesn’t even want to be near me. It’s like he can’t stand me any longer. What did I do wrong?”

He gazes searchingly at me as if I have all the answers to everything.

“Nothing,” I assure him. “You did everything right. He doesn’t hate you - he’s just scared.”

“Of me?”

“Not of you. Just at how your relationship is changing. And how quickly.”

“But it’s a good thing. Why is he scared of that?”

“Because it’s new. Tom likes being in control and doesn’t handle change well. What happened last night – he knows you want that to happen again and it’s a lot of pressure on him all of a sudden. When he was drunk, it was easy for him to let that control go. Now that he’s sober and reality has set in, he doesn’t know what to do. ”

“I don’t know what to do either, Koji,” the younger twin admits. “It’s like Tom doesn’t even love me anymore.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course he loves you. He said so today, didn’t he?”

Bill pouts. “Only because you made him.”

“I made him tell the truth,” I point out. “Putting Tom under extreme stress is my way of making him speak honestly. Otherwise he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“He’s still not saying anything.” The brown-eyed musician sitting beside me sighs dejectedly. “He just tells me to go away and leave him alone.”

“He’s trying to cope with what happened, Bill. It’s a big deal to him. Just as it is to you. He just has a different way of coping with it, that’s all. Give him time, okay?” 

I squeeze Bill’s narrow shoulder reassuringly and then slide my palm along his bare arm, coming to rest on his inner elbow, where the Freiheit tattoo begins. The skin there is soft and warm. I caress it with my thumb, offering him support and comfort. Besides that, I just like touching him. He glances down, noticing the scabs and bruising on my knuckles, his brows pinching together in concern.

“What happened to your hand?”

“Training accident,” I fib, not wanting him to know how Tom’s cruel words made me punch a cement wall. “It’s nothing.”

I start remove my touch but Bill catches my wrist, carefully taking my fingers and closely inspecting them. They’re swollen.

“Looks painful,” he sympathises, gently cradling my hand in his smaller, more delicate ones. I let him. It’s been so long since anybody has wanted to hold my hand. I forgot how nice a simple, sweet gesture like that can be.

“Koji, would you tell me more about your brother and you?” Bill asks after a short while. “Like, how did your relationship change after you slept together? Did he go all weird and distant, like Tom’s doing?”

“Kei certainly didn’t react like Tom. There was never any weirdness or distance from him at all,” I reply, realising how fortunate I was to not be rejected like Bill. “Neither one of us regretted anything we did together that night. The next day it was like we were walking on air – we were that happy.”

“Did anybody ever find out?”

“No. And we didn’t tell. We liked that it was our secret, that it was our special ‘thing’ and had no intentions of ever sharing what we did with anyone else. We knew they just wouldn’t understand.”

I fill Bill in on what happened next in my life, when I was still a teenager.



“A few months after I recovered from the blood poisoning that scarred my leg, the entire family moved to another country for my father’s job. Just after my brother and I turned sixteen, we started at our new high school. After everything we’d been through in previous schools, we decided that we would not let ourselves be bullied again for being different or for having weird coloured eyes or a mixed race heritage. On the very first day at lunchtime, instead of sitting uneasily in a corner away from the other students, Keiichi and I walked right into the middle of them. We didn’t know a single soul; they were all strangers to us. My pulse was pounding so hard. I couldn’t have done such a daring move on my own but I wasn’t alone. I had Kei. He led the way and gave me strength.”

I still recall that day as if it were yesterday, my adolescent self filled with first-day jitters that were contained only by my twin’s soothing presence.  

“In full view of everyone,” I tell Bill, “we began practising our martial arts on the grass sports oval, channelling and calming our nerves by focusing on the moves, and on each other. Soon, we were mock-fighting, hitting, kicking, grappling and throwing each other to the ground, just like we would do back in our own backyard. Kids from all over the school flocked to the oval to watch, soon cheering us on. The more they cheered, the more confident and bold we became. We played up to the crowd. We showed off for them and they loved it. They nicknamed us the Ninja Twins. We became kind of famous.”

I give a wry half-smile. “There were no other identical twins at that high school and so we were a novelty. We were interesting. Cool, even. For the first time in our lives, people liked us and wanted to be around us. Boys wanted to hang out with us and chicks wanted to date us. We weren’t thought of as queer, strange or ugly. Girls called us hot. They liked our eyes and our long hair. We each started dating, doing what the other kids were doing and trying to fit in. Sometimes Keiichi and I would go on double dates, going out with two girls from school, watching a movie and then taking them somewhere quiet to make out. We only had one car as we only ever went places together. Kei would be making out with his date in the front seat and I’d be in the back with mine. Most of the time we ended up getting laid. We’d make sure the girls got proper attention and that we pleased them too but during it all, Kei and I would be listening to each other, excited by each other’s moans, occasionally lifting our heads to secretly meet eyes across the seat while we were thrusting into our partners.”

Bill seems a bit shocked that my brother and I would fuck girls in the same car, right in front of each other. He’d never do that and I’m pretty sure Tom wouldn’t either. The older twin likes to brag about sex and how good he is at it but he probably wouldn’t be able to perform if he knew Bill was there listening and watching. 

“Frequently, we would come at the same time,” I inform Bill, “and none of the girls we were with thought this to be unusual. They thought it was just one of those fascinating twin things, like the way some twins can feel each other’s pain. They never suspected for a moment that Keiichi and I were sleeping together at home in our room. Nobody did. When we sat next to each other in class, whispered, smiled or exchanged notes, nobody questioned us, accepting it as how twins behave. They accepted it just as they had with the way we would finish each other’s sentences, laugh together, mirror each other’s pose, or exclaim the same word at exactly the same time. The girls thought it was cute if Kei and I ever stopped to hug in the hallway, fixed each other’s hair or kissed on the cheek, and the guys just shrugged when we leapt on each other and embraced enthusiastically on the sports oval after a winning game of soccer, accepting that closeness as normal for twins as identical as we were. Of course, we didn’t kiss on the lips in front of anyone but we never once had to hide our affection.”

My mouth quirks humourlessly. “It’s ironic. The one thing that ought to have made us outcasts at school was the one thing that made us popular. Being lovers gave both of us the confidence to succeed. The intimacy we shared didn’t destroy us – it enriched our lives and made us happier than we ever thought possible.”

Bill is gazing at me enviously. “You were lucky to have such a relationship.”

“Luck didn’t have anything to do with it. There’s no reason why you and Tom can’t have the same kind of relationship for yourselves.”

“We can’t hug or touch in public!” Bill objects, appalled by the idea and the damaging allegations that would result from such affectionate displays, no matter how innocent in nature they might be.

“I never said you had to,” I return calmingly. “What I mean is: there’s nothing stopping you guys from being lovers in private and brothers only to the rest of the world. It might seem like a double life but it can work. And you two can finally be complete and happy.”

My bedroom visitor takes a few moments to ponder this. He has let go of my hand and is absently picking at his nails while he thinks. Eventually, he says, “I don’t know if Tom wants that. I don’t think he wants us to be lovers.”

“I think he does, deep down,” I reply with a nod. “I think he knows he’s never going to find that perfect dream-girl he’s been looking for. I think he knows that you’re the only true match for him and that everything he’s been needing and wanting can be found in your arms. He just has to stop resisting and accept it.”

Sounding both desperate and hopeful, Bill asks, “Is there any way I can help him do that?”

“Just allow him time. Be patient. Be there for him. When Tom’s ready, he’ll come to you.”

I receive a doubtful look.

“But that doesn’t mean you should be passive, Bill. I’m not saying you should sit there and do nothing. Keep pushing him because he needs that. It’s only when he’s pushed that he rises to the challenge. And don’t you take his shit either,” I add. “I know Tom can be a mean bastard but don’t let him treat you badly or call you names. You keep standing up for yourself and what you believe in. Don’t let him make you feel guilty for wanting more than you get. If you stay tough, sooner or later he will realise he’s being a dick and come crawling back to apologise. When he does, you graciously accept.”  

“Okay. I’ll try to be patient with him.” Bill sighs deeply. “It could take forever, though.”

I study my captive for a minute as he stares down at the floor. He still seems terribly unhappy about the lack of closeness with his brother.

“Bill, would it help if I let you guys go?” I venture, hardly believing the words coming out of my mouth. “I mean, getting Tom to change his views about Genetic Attraction might take a long time and you can continue to work on him at home. If he’s in a familiar environment, without the stress of the conference room meetings or having me around, he will probably be able to relax and open up to you more. You’re fully capable of taking this further on your own now. You don’t need me any longer.”

“No!” he exclaims, glancing up in panic. “I do need you! If we go home and you’re not there then Tom will get even worse. He’ll go back to exactly the same way he was before, sleeping with all those women and forgetting about me. Everything we’ve done, all this progress we’ve made… it will have been for nothing then.”

Surprised, I query, “You don’t wish to be released yet?”

“Not until Tom gives me what I want. Not until I’m sure he’s changed for good. I’d rather be down here and be close to him than back home and have him act like a stranger who won’t even touch me.” Pleadingly, Bill gazes at me, grabbing my arm for emphasis. “Don’t send us home yet. Please. Tom’s not enlightened enough.”

I nod slowly, feeling all the dynamics of the situation shifting and changing. This whole kidnapping thing started out as a kind of game for me, as an experiment to see if I could get my teen prisoners to sleep together but everything is different now. I’ve already broken most of the rules I made for myself (a major one just by having Bill in my room) and instead of remaining remote and detached, I’ve gotten far too involved with the twins, and with Bill’s plight in particular. Instead of it being me, the bad guy, pitted against the boys it’s somehow become me and Bill working together against Tom.

“All right,” I finally agree. “While you’re still here I’ll do whatever I can to help but what happens next is mainly up to you, Bill. You’re Tom’s twin. You’re the one who has to convince him in the end.”

“I know.” Drawing in a steady breath, Bill straightens his spine in determination. “I’m every bit as stubborn as him and I’ll do whatever it takes to change his mind. You just watch me.”

“Oh, I will.” I smile at his last few words; he has no idea how true they are. “You’ve come such a long way since you’ve been here - how much you’ve grown and what you’ve already accomplished is astounding. That’s why I know you’ll be successful. Now, I think I’ve kept you long enough. You should go back to your room before Tom discovers you gone.”

Standing, I offer the boy my hand and assist him off the bed. At the doorway, I brush the fringe out of Bill’s face and tilt his chin up with my fingers, making him look me in the eyes. Though I can see he’s still wounded by Tom’s hurtful rejection, he has chosen to believe in hope and the power of love winning out in the end.

“I’m so proud of you, Bill. You stay strong,” I tell him softly. “And don’t worry. Everything will work out fine. Trust me.”

Bill nods, gratefulness in his chocolate-brown gaze. “Thank you, Koji. You know, for understanding.”

Smiling again, I reply, “That’s what I’m here for.”

………

Tom remains immobile when Bill returns to their room, the older boy apparently too hung-over to even stir at the sound of the metal door locking shut. He’s lying on his belly, dreadlocks flung out haphazardly over the pillow his face is buried in, one arm beside his head and the other dangling over the side of the couch. Even if he knows where Bill has been, he’s too sick and tired to care. Leaning over him, Bill sweeps away a stray rope of hair and gently kisses Tom on the temple, still loving his big brother even though he’s being a jerk.

……….

The next morning is an eventful one. Tom, finally having caught up on sleep, climbs off the couch. He pokes his nose under his arms and then into his dreads, not liking what he finds when he breathes in.

“Gross. I need a shower. I stink like sweat, stale popcorn, beer and…” Here he sniffs his hand, crinkling his nose.

“What?” Bill frowns indignantly. “I was clean!”

Tom throws him an unimpressed look. “Still smells like ass.”

“Well, that’s what ass smells like, you idiot,” the younger one huffs. “Get used to it.” 

“Pussy smells better,” Tom mutters, ignoring Bill’s subsequent eye-roll, the dreadheaded teen shuffling into the shower to wash off all those various offensive odours. After Tom emerges, fresh and swimming in cologne, it’s Bill’s turn.

The smaller twin comes out of the bathroom, wincing as he sits down.

Tom looks over from his spot on the couch, cigarette in hand. Gruffly, he asks, “What’s the matter with you?”

Bill glares accusingly at him. “I went to take a crap and it really hurt.”

The other boy lifts an indifferent brow. “That’s my fault, is it?”

“Well, your fingers are kinda big and rough.”

“Well, you’re the one who put them up there,” Tom reminds him unsympathetically.

“Oh, like you had nothing to do with it.” The scorn drips from Bill’s words. “You were there too, Tom. You were getting off on what we were doing just as much as I was.”

“Doubt it.”

Frowning, Bill appears highly puzzled. “Why are you acting like this? You SAID I could do it.”

“Do what?”

“Everything. You said I could get as close to you as I wanted. You said you wouldn’t stop me anymore.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You fucking did so!”

“Well, if I did, I was drunk!” Tom argues. “And I’d just hit my head. I wasn’t myself that night and you knew it. You manipulated me and took advantage of me!”

“Please.” Bill scoffs. “You make it sound as though I raped you or something.”

Muttering, Tom answers, “Near enough.”

Bill narrows his eyes at Tom, both spitefully and shrewdly. “You know what, Tom? The only reason I got you to finger me was because your dick was too soft. If you’d stayed hard, I would have taken that lube out of the drawer, squirted it all over you and sat right down on it.”

The growing look of shock on Tom’s face only encourages Bill to even greater levels of spite, his lips curling into a contemptuous and sexually-charged smirk.

“I would have slowly slid down your big, throbbing cock so you could watch it going into me, inch by inch, right down to your balls, and then I would have ridden you like a rocking horse. I would have fucked you into the mattress until you were moaning my name and begging me to go harder. I would have squeezed you tight and made you come inside my sweet virgin ass and you, my dear brother, wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing to stop me.” Bill leans in closer, his voice deeply and disturbingly mocking. “So if you call that rape, then yeah, I would have raped the fuck out of you.”

Tom is staring at Bill, horrified by his twin’s brazenly pornographic descriptions.

“That’s it, I am never getting drunk around you again,” Tom declares, shakily grinding out the remains of his cigarette. “Holy shit.”

A sneer uglifies Bill’s normally pretty face. “You wouldn’t be able to handle me anyway. Koji was right – you really are a chicken.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tom commands, taking instant offence.

“It means you’re too scared to take risks.”

“Hey, I took a huge risk coming here to rescue you, didn’t I?”

“Nobody got rescued. You just got your gun taken away and your butt kicked.”

“Yeah, well, at least I tried, you ungrateful little bitch,” Tom hisses, pushing off the couch and standing over Bill threateningly. “Maybe I should have just left you down here alone. Then you could be sitting on Koji’s cock every night instead of trying to get at mine! You’re obsessed with it!”

“This isn’t about your cock!” Bill blazes back, jumping to his feet as well and matching Tom’s glare. “It’s about you and me. You act like the other night was the worst thing that ever happened to us but that’s not how I recall it. We had fun, Tom.”

His mood changing, Bill gazes at his brother imploringly. “Don’t you remember? We drank beer and ate candy and had a popcorn fight. We sang and we danced and I loved that. I loved playing games with you, laughing and wrestling like we did when we were kids. I loved it when you picked me up and carried me on your back. And when you kissed me…”

His voice lowers and Bill fleetingly touches his lips, remembering the feel of Tom’s pierced ones as they pressed against him in drunken passion, Bill remembering the pleasure he gave Tom with his mouth.

“I loved being close to you, touching you, making you feel good, and I loved it when you did it to me. You might regret what we did together but I don’t, Tomi. Not a single bit. If I could go back and do it all over again I would. That was one of the best nights of my life. That’s the closest I’ve ever felt to you. I was so happy. And so were you. Now you have to be a jerk and ruin it for both of us!”

Bursting into sudden tears, Bill runs into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door. Tom swears to himself and drops his head into his hands, but he doesn’t go after Bill, even though he can hear sobbing. He just stands there breathing heavily in agitation, knowing that he’s fucked up and made his little brother cry. Again.

When Bill finally comes out, his eyes are all puffy and red.

He doesn’t talk to Tom for the rest of the day.

………

Lunchtime arrives. I bring them food – fries and veggie burgers from a takeout place - and they eat it wordlessly, no conversing, just chewing. They watch TV, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Bill ignoring his sibling completely, punishing him with cold silence. The same happens at dinner. Bill goes to bed without saying goodnight to Tom or even saying anything at all. Sighing, the older boy resigns himself to another night spent on the couch.

Sometime after midnight, Tom can’t stand the tension anymore and ends up climbing back into bed with Bill, tentatively touching his twin’s shoulder. Bill’s awake. He has his back to Tom. He doesn’t turn around but I can see the gleam of his open eyes in the darkness.

“I’m sorry,” Tom whispers with guilt in his tone. “I’ve been a real prick to you.”

“Yes, you have,” Bill answers coldly.

“I had fun too. The other night, with you.” After confessing that, Tom amends, “At least until I woke up with the nastiest fucking hangover of my life.”

A spark of hope flickers in Bill’s face, hope that reaches his voice and thaws the ice in it, at least a little bit.

“You had fun with me?”

 “Yeah. I did. Sorry I ruined it for you,” the dreadlocked twin apologises, daring to slip his arm around Bill and squeeze repentantly. “I hate making you cry. It makes me feel like such an asshole.”

“You ARE an asshole.”

“I know.” Tom sounds chastened and humble. “You really deserve a better brother than me.”

Bill finally seems satisfied with the apology.

“Well, you’re the only one I’ve got so I guess you’ll have to do,” he relents, turning around to Tom and accepting his hug.

“You don’t want to leave me?” The older boy sounds insecure.

“No, Tomi. I’d never, ever leave you. Not for anybody,” Bill vows, the two of them snuggling together in each other’s arms, everything forgiven.

Now in the same bed, where they should be, they go back to sleep.