Darren and Richard

My 6-year old niece, Hillary, came to stay with us for a week while my sister and her husband went on holiday. It gave Darren an excuse to take her to Hummingbird’s Bakery for cupcakes. As if he needed one.
I even let her sit with me while I worked at the computer. She was fascinated with the animation programs. I let her “help”. She clicked the mouse once or twice. We created a little cartoon starring her. I scanned her picture in and created a “cartoon Hillary”. Now she can show her friends that she’s got her own cartoon. I’m a fun uncle, because I come up with cool projects for kids. We’re going to make iron-on transfers for T-shirts.

“Uncle Richard, how come Uncle Darren’s on the phone all the time?”
“Well, because Uncle Darren is a singer, and runs his own music company, so he’s got lots of work to do.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Uncle Richard is doing some work for Uncle Darren’s company. I’m making the videos we were working on earlier.”
“So, those songs, that’s Uncle Darren singing?”
“Yup.”
“Wow! He sings good.”
“Well. He sings well.”
“Whatever.”

It didn’t take me long to discover that she’s at the “Why?” stage.
Fortunately, I’m a patient person, and a good “explainer”. I can simplify most concepts into language that even a child would understand. Which, in Hillary’s case, leads to even more questions. Maybe I’ll tell her to ask Uncle Darren, just to watch his reaction. Actually, he’s great with kiddies too, mostly because he still is one on some level. And she’s certainly got no shortage of toys to play with at our house. Fortunately, she’s not into Star Wars, because Darren is very protective of his collection. I’ve got enough Lego sets to keep her busy for hours. Even some dolls.
You should’ve seen them at lunch. She and Darren were playing with their food, blowing bubbles in their milk, and laughing until they were in stitches.

“I like staying here. You and Uncle Darren let me do things I’m not allowed to do at home.”
“Oh, your Mum’s going to be thrilled to hear that. Let’s not tell her, yeah, or she might not let you stay with us anymore.”
“Okay, Uncle Richard.”
“Finish your milk.”

We took her to see Wall-E.
She wanted all the toys. Add that to the list when we go to the shopping mall.
Oh, and one night, there was a thunderstorm. It got pretty noisy outside. Temporarily forgetting that there was a child in the house, we hadn’t bothered to lock the bedroom door. We were cuddling and kissing, considering having a go at it, when Hillary flung open our door and scrambled into bed between us. That was a first for both of us. Darren and I just looked at each other helplessly. So much for that.

“I’m frightened of the thunder, Uncle Richard. Can I stay here?”
“Sure. Nothing to be afraid of.”

I contemplated giving her the scientific explanation of a thunderstorm, but a 6 -year-old isn’t interested in that sort of thing. She was, however, satisfied with Darren’s “angels bowling” explanation. I hope this kid isn’t a bed-wetter, or that this won’t be a nightly occurrence.
We went to the mall in the morning. I couldn’t wait to see what sort of creative tales the child would tell to get us to buy her everything she wanted. As it turned out, all the little robot characters from the movie were sold in one play set. Easy enough.
I kept my eye on her in the children’s section of the bookstore. Darren and I love to buy our favorite magazines. It’d probably be easier to just subscribe and have them delivered, but this is much more fun. I love this place! There’s actually a “Gay Interests” section. About time someone wrote love stories about same-sex couples! Let’s see...the usual gender-identity issues and life stories, yadda yadda...
Darren’s eyes just lit up. I hear him gasp “No way!” What’s he found?

Glancing to make sure Hillary is still playing in the Kiddie Toys section, I ask Darren, “What is it, Luv?”

He flashes the DVD at me. “Advanced Sexual Techniques for Gay Lovers”. I laugh. That sounds as bad as the cover of Cosmo. “The latest trick to have your man bouncing off the ceiling.” As if, in this stage of human evolution, someone’s found something to do to their partner that no one’s ever discovered. Oh puleez!

“What are you saying, Darren? That I’m rubbish in bed?”
“Not at all, Darling. You’re wonderful. It just might be fun for us to learn a few little tricks that might make it even better for us. Wasn’t our lesson from Philippe fun? Well...?”
“When you put it that way...Let’s see this. Check on Hillary, would you, Luv?”

I thumb through the book. He’s got a point. Hang on, never tried it like that...or that way either. Well...okay. I relent.

“Wanna try it?”
“Yeah, go ahead and get it. I’m game.”

He’s got that look in his eyes. You know the one:

“I wuvs you to bits, and I’m going to eats you all up.”

I’ve seen that look before in the dog’s eyes when we’re filling up his food bowl. I’m in trouble. Tonight, we’ll remember to lock the bedroom door.