Midnight Butterfly

Edited by Tech Department February 12, 2007 for database corruption related errors.

Die shifted in his seat. Kaoru and him had been having a great time. Booze and good friends always made the stress of work go away. They had been laughing for the past hour, neither one really remembered why they had started laughing in the first place all they knew was they couldn't stop. A few jokes at the expense of band members, Die's eerily accurate imitation of Shinya, four frosty mugs of foaming joy and a thousand and two sarcastic comments later, here they were, faces hurt from smiling and glasses drained to the bottom. Die stared lazily into the frosty mug. Gone... all gone. Kaoru had told the waitress not to give them anymore, even if they asked. He knew it would've gotten out of hand eventually and it was better if they didn't have access to what they wanted. Die smirked. Kaoru was definitely leader material, even when plastered off his ass.
Swishing her hips provocatively, the cute waitress made her way back to the table to lay down the check. She had shoulder length black hair and a cute if not remotely slutty smile. And her skirt was way too short. Not that Die minded, it wasn't a bad view, but she wasn't as pretty as his Shinya. Die grinned stupidly as he imagined Shinya in that short skirt flashing a bit of thigh and his kawaii smile. 'Oh yeah' he damn near growled at the thought, running his tongue over his teeth and practically drooling. Kaoru picked up the check and took out his wallet, placing the yen neatly wrapped up with the bill on the edge of the table.

Shinya caught sight of Die's perverted grin as he approached the table, seeing the flirtatious waitress not more than a foot from him and doing the best she could to entice him. The girl jumped as Shinya pushed past her rudely, motioning for her to 'shoo'.
"Away." He never said much to other people, but it was always enough to get his point across. The girl threw him a 'go-to-hell' look before she threw her head back and wiggling her butt as she went, tossing the red headed guitarist one last affectionate look. 'I hope she gets some exotic flesh eating virus and her ass falls off!!' Shinya was not in the best of moods now.

Die hadn't even noticed she was gone, he stared down at the mile long legs extending out from Shinya's skirt, dark eyes trailing upwards until he was looking at his face. Die practically jumped out of his chair in glee.

"Well, if it isn't the Lord of the Bathroom." Die bent over in his chair making a small waving motion with his hand "I bow to thee oh gracious long legged one."

Shinya sighed exasperated, sitting down almost reluctantly beside Die. Die smiled stupidly, leaning over to plant a sweet, chaste kiss on his koi's cheek. Had Shinya not been so troubled he would've giggled, the big goofy grin was just so damned adorable!

"Did you have a nice piss?" Shinya rolled his eyes. Die pouted sweetly. "I was worried I'd have to come fish your pretty ass out of the toilet." 'Baka Die!'

Kaoru sensed the tension emanating from the auburn haired drummer and let out a sly cough to still the red head. He tried to stifle a laugh before looking up and seeing his koi, horribly streaked with tracks of eyeliner smudged all around his beautiful face. Kaoru's face dropped but he made no move to go to the bassist. Instead staying seated and politely regarded his love's wounded expression.

"Toshiya?"

Motioning for Toshiya to sit down a moment, which he abided by without protest, Shinya turned to look at their leader.

Kaoru was worried, what had happened? Why had Toshiya been crying? What was Shinya so upset about? All the tension sobered up his mental state.

"Shinya what happened?" he asked abruptly.

"Kyo and Toshiya had a small argument and Kyo left. He probably went home. I think we should do the same."

'A small argument? My ass, Kyo wouldn't have left at something small.' The thought never left Kaoru's lips, instead he nodded eager to get home and find out the rest. Shinya wouldn't tell much and he knew he could drag it out of Toshiya with enough pushing. He stood up and gathered up his and Die's things, handing Shinya Die's coat and toboggan, before reaching down for his own.

A jacket lay on his, Kyo's soft, taupe colored fur coat. 'Oh shit! Kyo left his jacket.' It was beyond freezing outside and Kyo had only worn a nearly sheer long sleeved shirt, he was probably wet and freezing. It was nearly April but still the winter flurries refused to give up their hold. This had been no small argument. Kaoru lifted the coat and felt something heavy in its pocket. He reached his hand down, feeling around the opening for the object. Cold metal touched the side of his hand and he captured the small items and lifted them out to get a better look at them. A lighter. Kaoru smiled. It was the X lighter he had bought Kyo for his birthday last year. That and a small silver cigarette case in scripted with the words 'Fuck off', that was just a gag present but Kyo loved it. Kaoru dropped the lighter and case back into the warm pocket of the coat and brought it to Shinya's attention.

"Shinya, somewhere out there is a kyocicle! We should go home and try him on his cell..." he thoughts trailed off as he dropped his hands again into the coat's other deep pocket. To his dismay he found what he had expected. A small silver and black keitai.

"Kuso!" Kaoru pounded his fist against the table, shaking its foundation.

"Maybe he's already home, he's not stupid. He wouldn't stay in the cold. He'd at least duck into a building or something and call a cab. He must've realized he's left his coat. He'll be fine." Shinya tried to help. Honestly as much as he believed his statement he was a bit worried as well. Kyo was never all that rational when he was upset.

"I hope your right, Shinya." Kaoru put on his coat and clutched Kyo's to his chest tightly, breathing in the lingering scent of his friend and following the rest outside and into the cold of the night.


***************


'Misery loves company'. Isn't that how the phrase goes? Miserable though I was, the only company present was the aged ebony haired driver in the front of the car and the ghost-like smoke that bellowed from his parted lips. I could smell the tobacco in the air, a craving not easily suppressed. It was really pathetic actually. Dependency on a tiny white piece of rolled up paper. Yeah, I guess that would make me pretty fucking sad, ne? I remember trying to quit once, but it didn't get very far before I was bumming cigs off my band mates. Yeah... that is really fucking pathetic!! I was finding out all sorts of interesting things about myself tonight.

I had wandered around for over three hours. Somehow I ended up near Shibuya station, I guess I had walked quite a ways, I hadn't even noticed. It's amazing how much time three hours really is, when it's just you, the snow and a few stray thoughts. Mental clarity really is a blessing. Of course even I'm speaking with inexperience because my mind was anything but clear. I kept replaying the scene in my head over and over again. The lights, the sounds, the feelings... hell, even the smells. Tobacco and alcohol, mixed with Totchi's strawberries. Strawberries and something else. Vanilla. Hmmm... Vanilla? Oh, that's right, Totchi's shampoo. That feminine vanilla shit! It smelled nice on him though. A hundred times I had played the incident in my mind, a hundred times my body reacted again to Totchi's strawberries, a hundred times I felt like I would die right there, wrapped in his warmth, a hundred times my mind lost all its reason, all lost in one simple moment.

I never judged them, you know, my friends. Never exuded even a slight twinge of disapproval when they made their late night confessions to each other. It never mattered that they were all guys, or that they were best friends. I was just happy that they had found each other. Somewhere along the lines the friendship grew to unconditional love, but it was never what you'd think it was. No pitifully sentimental shit! We always hung on each other, why shouldn't we? What was so wrong about human contact? Was it wrong to fall asleep leaning on your best friend's shoulder? No. Was it wrong to hug them if they just needed to be held? No. I never understood society's problem with it all. Nothing changed. We still sat around in our boxers scratching our asses just like the other half of the testosterone driven population, it never made us any less masculine to admit we cared. And our private life... everything that happened behind the bedroom door was our concern only. It wasn't my business what Die and Shinya did once the lights went out, and even less the public's business. That was what made me stray, made me stay away from it all. But I wasn't affected by the closeness. Hell, before all this happened I used to make the trek into Kaoru's room at night and crawl under those sheets, haunted by my demons, my dreams. I just needed someone there in case I got broken in the middle of the night, someone who would fix me when I awoke. It was nice knowing that someone was there, that whatever demons came after you, they'd have to go against the both of you. Kaoru would fight them away before they even touched me. And he never minded, he'd laugh when I'd slide across the bed and hug the extra pillow for comfort. He'd smile and whisper an 'oyasumi' before setting the alarm clock for practice and settling in on his side of the bed and falling asleep. Those days were nice, I could sleep forever.

The room, the bed isn't mine anymore to crawl into. Out of respect I stay away, silently battling my nightmares alone. I can do it, I'm strong. And they don't bother me as much anymore, I suspect Kaoru killed the majority. But some still linger. Some still retain their icy hold on me, tormenting, screaming, hurting. They will stay. My strength isn't great enough to drive them away, they will not be forced. And one day... they will take me, screaming down into the darkest depths of my soul and I will let them, because I have no will left to fight it. But for one precious moment, they were driven away by that vanilla, those sweet strawberries and I was bathed in light. My wings fluttered but I didn't get off the ground. It was okay though, I knew I had them. Wings so brilliant they'd wash the sky in water colored magnificence.

Silently I stood on the walkway to the porch as the taxi made its way down the dimly lit street, back to its rounds of the city. I felt it again now, a foreboding. Snow still fell without a sound, its cold reach upon my face. I half expected it to play a gentle melody as it danced in the air, but no sound came. The sky was almost grey now, the hazy, cold fog clouding over the rich blackness of the night. I was almost numb to the cold now, barely feeling the wind's icy bite as it tore at my face. No cold. No sound. Unfeeling. My feet had already spanned the distance between the curb and the door. Had I been moving? I hadn't even realized. Everything was a massive blur. Trapped in a dream. Possible, though very improbable. My hand twisted the doorknob slowly, almost expecting it to be locked. It wasn't and that was good. I didn't have my keys, and I really didn't want to have to wake the others up because of my incompetence. The silence struck me.

The room was dim, the lights turned down low, but not off. I was expected, how considerate. Removing my shoes and laying them to the side, I sighed and walked into the main room. A feeling of faint took me as I wandered across the living room towards the hall. It wasn't sleep, I knew I shouldn't have gone out tonight. The pain medication for my ears was wearing off and this cruel pulsing sensation inched slowly up the sides of my neck into the hollows of my ears. It didn't hurt that much yet, it was just uncomfortable. My hand was already cupping one side of my head pleading for it to go away. I was already halfway down the hall nearing the bathroom, rolling my head around almost involuntarily as if attempting to shake the feeling. The surgery had gone well, but I still had to take medication regularly for a month or so. And needless to say the loudness of the club had not been very helpful to my problem. My feet touched down on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, and I immediately took to rummaging through the drawers searching for that little brown medicine bottle and my ear drops. I had forgotten where I'd laid them the last time I needed them. They were in the bathroom, that much I remembered. My shaky hands pushed passed a mixture of small possessions: Deodorant, a half rolled up toothpaste tube, various cosmetics, brushes, combs, styling gel... my hands still searched frantically now, my numbness fading into a sharp stabbing pain. Shaving cream, razor blades, rubber bands... DAMN IT! I was losing focus. My hands raced toward the other drawer, pulling it open violently and shoving all the objects aside as quickly as possible as the feeling intensified to a continuous painful throbbing. I felt as if my head would explode. Funny how these things sneak up on you. Not so much funny as in 'laughing-my-ass-off-rolling-on-the-floor' kind of funny more like a sardonic kind of funny. I was getting angry now, biting my lip to keep from screaming out obscenities and waking the others. But you know... after another ten minutes of searching the cabinets and going through the drawers once again, I really couldn't have given a fuck and that's the truth! So in a fit of frustration I pulled one of the drawers from its tracks and hurled it across the room. The wood made a sharp cracking sound as it hit the wall, items scattering about the floor, a bottle of fingernail polish broke and spilled out on the floor, bleeding a rich metallic blue. 'I'm sorry Totchi, I'll replace it.' Tears slid down my cheeks, I let them go, and buried my head in my arms. My body was sprawled out over the cool tile, back up against the cabinet. I didn't care anymore. I gave up. Sweet emotions had left my heart in tatters, the snow had killed my body, my wings were bound once again and now pain had claimed what little I had left that wasn't sore. There was nothing left to do but drown myself in my own tears. 'Fucking sick!'


************

Kaoru glanced over at the blue-haired man curled snugly against his lithe form, safely cared for in peaceful slumber, dreaming of pleasant things he had hoped. Anything but reality. Toshiya had explained the whole ordeal to Kaoru, in great detail, down to his confession to Shinya, begging forgiveness from the guitarist. In all honesty Kaoru had known of Toshiya's fondness for the stunted vocalist for some time. It was completely obvious to anyone who really knew Toshiya. And it was ridiculous to forgive the man anything that shouldn't be apologized for in the first place. You can't choose who you love. Toshiya stilled loved Kaoru, and he knew that. He also knew that he had been the second choice of the two, but none of that mattered. Not to him. But Toshiya was hurting, he couldn't have predicted Kyo's reaction in his state, though Kaoru had expected it when Toshiya began to recount the past events to him. Kyo may have been physically strong, but he was psychologically fragile and he was broken easily... and often. Not many people knew it though, he kept it hidden well, but Kaoru had been one of the few whom Kyo was comfortable enough with to let his guard down. Kaoru wouldn't tell the others anything Kyo said in confidence and never let anyone know how breakable he really was, so no one was the wiser. He faintly remembered the days when Kyo would come into his room at night, shaking and pale from his dark dreams and Kaoru would never question it, all he had to do was pick up the pieces if he fell and make sure he was there by his side. Sometimes he would wake in the middle of the night, almost expecting the vocalist's arrival but there was none, he no longer came, even though he was welcome. Maybe it was because of Toshiya... maybe he was afraid he'd be in the way. Or maybe there were no more demons to fight off, and if that was the case he was happy, but almost resentful, he missed the closeness of it all. Kaoru's thoughts trailed off as he fluttered in and out of consciousness, eased into slumber by an onslaught of memories.

Fourteen minutes of sleep. Maybe a fraction of a second more, who knows. Kaoru heard a loud crashing noise coming from the bathroom. He didn't have to wonder who it was... but 'what' it was. He opened his eyes only to see the faint outline of his lover crouched near the bedroom door listening intently, peeking through a crack in the door.

"Toshiya?" he barely heard his own voice.

"I can't see anything, Kaoru. But he's crying... Oh god I'm so sorry. Did I hurt him so much?" his voice was tired and shaky.

Kaoru sat up, pushing away the covers and slipping on a pair of drawstring pants that had been discarded on the floor.

"What are you doing?" The bassist's eyes were puffy and the remnants of tears shone through the dark, echoing in the moonlight.

Kaoru leaned down to kiss Toshiya on the forehead lovingly.

"I'm going to calm him down. Please go back to sleep, he doesn't hate you." Toshiya squeezed his eyes shut.

"Please Totchi..." Kaoru was pleading now. Toshiya couldn't do much of anything else. There was no way he could go out there and console Kyo, he would get yelled at and make even more of a mess. He sighed and nodded, crawling back under the sheets and snuggling a pillow close to his body as if it were a precious child.

"Tell him I'm sorry."

Kaoru only nodded before closing the bedroom door behind him, leaving Toshiya to his dreams. The bathroom light was on and faint sounds could be heard from inside. Kaoru padded down the hall almost afraid of what he would find behind the entry. He stared at the aged wooden door as if it kept some costly secret safely locked away. His hands shook as he turned the handle and stepped into the light.

The first thing his eyes met with was the source of the sound, a small wood drawer splintered against the edge of the wall. Items were scattered unsystematically in and around its remains, a few bottles of cologne and aftershave were lying broken, their contents spilling out onto the floor. His eyes trailed to follow a line of blue seeping out from a tiny glass bottle of cobalt nail polish, its strong scent filling the modest room. And then his eyes fell upon the cause of the crash. Kyo was curled up near the cabinet shaking and sobbing, his hands holding his head while small whimpers came unconsciously from his lips. Almost instantly Kaoru knew what had happened, he didn't even have to guess.

"Kyo?" Kaoru descended to sit on his knees, careful not to get in the mess on the floor. Kyo lifted his head, looking vulnerable and in pain.

"Go back to sleep... please. I was just looking for my medication." He winced and gripped at his head hysterically, letting a series of sniffles come out.

"It... hurts so bad. I looked but... I forgot where I put it." Kaoru immediately got up and rummaged through the drawers, finally catching sight of the elusive medication. Kyo had somehow missed it in his search, too upset to focus obviously. Kaoru ran his hand over Kyo's cheek in comfort.

"Shhh, it's okay. I found it, here take this." Kaoru handed Kyo the little brown bottle which he tried to open but the childproof cap just pissed him off more. He was too unstable to manage it. Kaoru handed him a glass of water and took back the plastic bottle, twisting off the cap effortlessly and pouring its contents onto his hand. Kyo hurriedly swallowed his medication and held still while Kaoru held him and proceeded to administer the ear drops which Kyo didn't fuss much about, he was so desperate for relief that he couldn't have cared less. After Kaoru had put the medication away where he could find it he sat back down and held Kyo to his chest.

"You had me scared." Kyo was beginning to calm down a bit, the pain slowly subsiding, making it a bit easier on him.

"Sorry. I just... panicked. I didn't mean to wake you up." Kyo fumbled as he tried to relax.

Kaoru smiled. "It's okay. I'd only been asleep for a few minutes anyway. You really should've brought earplugs you know."

Annoyance automatically spread across Kyo's face. "I didn't think about it at the time!" he spat hatefully. Kaoru backed off a bit.

"What's with the hostility? I'm just worried about you, ok?" The smaller man breathed out a sigh.

"I know... I'm sorry." Kyo lifted his head to look at his friend. "Aren't you gonna ask me where I was?"

"No. You're here now. That's all I need to know." Kyo smiled as best he could and leaned back against Kaoru. For a few minutes they just sat there, listening to each other's soft breathing, both enjoying each other's company before Kyo finally broke the silence.

"Do you know what happened?"

"Hmmm?" Kaoru looked up quizzically.

"With me and Totchi... " he wasn't really sure if bringing it up was a good idea. If Toshiya had told Kaoru it might have made the current situation even worse, but his curiosity got the best of him.

Kaoru nodded wordlessly.

Kyo's lips formed a gentle 'o'. 'So he knew...' but soon he found himself following up his previous question in an even quieter tone of voice.

"How much did he tell you?" Maybe Toshiya had just recounted the basics. He had too much to drink, made a move or two he shouldn't have in a moment of sympathy and Kyo ran out, as freaked as one person could get. 'Yes, that's what he told him I'm sure.' Nothing to mar his saintly reputation in the eyes of his lover. And that was okay. How much did Kaoru really need to know anyway? It had been nothing. Just a mistake.

"Everything." Astonishment shone in Kyo's eyes. 'Maybe... maybe his 'everything' is different from mine.' Kaoru took one look at Kyo's confusion and thought he had better elaborate, conveniently leaving out the confession Toshiya had made to him. He didn't know how Kyo would take it and thought it better to leave that to Toshiya anyway.

"Ano... he told me that he asked you about the other night in the hotel, even gave me your answers and said he practically forced himself on you. Uh... he explained that part in great detail, you know Toshiya... whenever he can talk sex he will, and that's when you freaked and left." 'Nope, same 'everything'...' He should say more... "Um... Shinya found him crying not too long after you left, he just kept apologizing and then we came back here to wait for you. We were all worried." No, not enough yet.

"He's sorry you know. He never meant to hurt you, you know that?" Kyo nodded. "Kaoru, before you say any more... " Kaoru stopped and listened intently, wondering if his next statement would yield good news or bad.

"I'm not mad at Totchi, not even a little bit." Hesitation, confusion, sadness... all were present in those deep chocolate eyes. It hurt Kaoru to even look in them. "I just... " 'He won't hate you, tell him everything! You need to say it! Quit being a coward and say it... you DID want Totchi.' "I was freaked, but not..." His words had abandoned him when he needed them the most.

'FUCK Kyo! One stupid moment of desire and now you're a fucking moron!' Kaoru waited patiently for him to continue. He was dangling by the edge anyway, it wasn't like he needed an extra push, even a friendly one. "I mean... " another agonizing pause, tension building... and then... "I DID want him Kaoru!" The sudden outburst was enough to leave the purple-haired man utterly stunned in its wake. Not so much because it was loud, or unexpected, or even that it was HIS koi it had been about. No not that, it was...

"You're straight!" That was certainly not the response Kyo thought the statement would earn. "Nani? I am... er... I was... or... that's exactly why I ran out genius!" Okay, so that wasn't the best answer but Kyo had tried his hardest. Speechless on both sides, what a dilemma.

"Ah! S-so you mean that the fact that you were straight, but wanted him made you freak, not Totchi's advances, but yours?" That was as close to rationalizing as Kaoru could get at the moment.

Kyo nodded. "Hai... I never really questioned it, you know? Whether or not I'd ever thought about any one of you that way, I didn't have an answer. I didn't think I had, but I definitely couldn't say for sure that I hadn't." Kaoru positively beamed with relief. He had been terrified of what would happen for hours. Scared that Kyo would hate the bassist for his brashness, even more afraid that it would tear apart their relationship as band mates. And now it was like some divine presence smiled down on him, he gave a silent 'thank you' to no one in particular and held the younger man closer.

"Straight until proven otherwise, eh?" Kyo laughed now, finally relaxing into the other's arms.

"Hai."

Kyo still felt apprehensive. Funny that Kaoru had understood it all, because he sure as hell didn't. The whole ordeal had left him dazed and insecure, and he wasn't sure if what he felt was a momentary walk into lust or something beyond, and it terrified him. Not that he would change his behavior now, what would be the point in that? He wouldn't read much into it and just go about life as always. That was the smart thing to do, wasn't it? Kyo felt himself yawn, he hadn't realized how thoroughly exhausted he was.

"Time for bed." Kaoru announced as he dragged his friend to a standing position. Kyo nodded and carefully stepped over the mess in the floor before tugging on Kaoru's arm for attention.

"What about the mess? I should clean it before..." Kaoru smiled and shook his head. "It can wait till morning. Sleep now." He led Kyo towards his bedroom, pushing the door open and flicking on the overhead light. Puchi and Buchi stirred in their cage, annoyed by the sudden rush of brightness that filled the room. Kyo smiled and sped over to the cage by the bed, smiling and tapping the glass.

"How're my babies?" Kyo was bouncing happily, his hand stuck through the top of the cage, attempting to pet the scurrying rodents.

Kaoru laughed at the childlike countenance that had taken over Kyo's previously heartbreaking one. He certainly was an emotional roller coaster sometimes!

"They've been fed already, no worries. Bedtime, NOW!" Kyo nodded and turned, Kaoru was already tucked securely underneath the velour covers waiting for the smaller man.

"Sleep Kyo." A hand padded sheets next to the purple-haired man. Kyo stalled. "But..." Kaoru just smiled at Kyo's innocent expression.

"I'm staying with you tonight. You need someone here, so if you don't come over here and lay down I'm coming to get you, and for god sakes please get out of those freezing clothes and into something suitable for sleeping!"

Kyo smiled before unbuttoning his shirt and discarding it on the floor, his pants followed suit and he trailed over to his dresser, grabbing a pair of black sweatpants and slipping them on over his black silk boxers. The bed looked so inviting, practically screaming for him to crawl into its warmth and fall into a deep coma-like sleep. And it was useless to argue with the demands of a warm bed.

Within seconds, the lights were off and Kyo was buried head first into a large marshmallow-like pillow, happily shoving his face as far into its fluffiness as he could get it. He stopped squirming as he felt the covers drape over his body and an arm pull him closer to press his back against Kaoru's chest. He smiled pushing back as far as he could into the embrace.

"Oyasumi, Kyo-kun" said Kaoru as he held the other man tightly, a shield for any nightmares that wished to challenge him.

But Kyo didn't answer, he was already asleep, finally warm and sated.


**********************

11:26 am

Toshiya's eyes surveyed the horrific scene, darting helplessly from one corner of the room to the other in a fit of panic. It was so awful.

"It was a massacre. None of them had a chance."

Die's hand descended down onto Toshiya's shoulder for reassurance.

"Its okay. They can be replaced."

A mournful sigh resonated throughout the room as Toshiya reached out to pick up the cracked remains of one of three broken bottles of nail polish.

"So young... Such a pretty color."

Die rolled his eyes.

"You should consider yourself lucky your nail polish took the damage and not your pretty little head. From the looks of things Kyo was pretty pissed off last night."

Toshiya nodded sheepishly, still clutching the bottle's remnants in his hand. Kyo had definitely been mad! Mad enough to brutally destroy a whole collection of designer nail polish in every color imaginable. Of course, to be fair, not all of them were broken, in fact only three were, but still it was heartbreaking. Had he known Kyo would've taken his advances so bad, he would've exuded a bit more self control, but he was drunk and stupid and he just wanted Kyo so bad. He cursed himself under his breath, maybe Kyo would find it in his heart to forgive him. Maybe. All he could do was hope.

"Yeah Die, you're right." Die smiled. Of course he was right, he was always right. But right now he couldn't have cared less. He had the worst hangover in history and felt like he hadn't pissed in three years. He didn't give a fuck who was right, he just wanted Totchi to move so he could get at the toilet!! Shinya had a slight hangover too and had taken over the other bathroom, leaving Die to wander helplessly about the house in search of another porcelain god to 'rain' on.

"Hai, I'm right! Now in honor of my rightness will you please relocate your ass to somewhere that is - not- blocking my path!!" Toshiya glanced up at Die who was making a stupid face while anxiously dancing around, hopping from one foot to the other.

"Oh. Don't let me stop you. Do you need aspirin too?" Die nodded furiously while practically shoving his band mate out the door and slamming it shut. Outside the door Toshiya stood stunned, almost wondering how he managed to get out of the bathroom so quickly, while Niagara Falls erupted from inside the tiny room. Toshiya snickered and trotted off to the other bathroom on his quest for the shiny white pills that would make their collective heads feel a bit better. Ah the glories of pharmaceuticals!

*****************

Shinya winced as the bottle of aspirin slipped from his long, tapered fingers and hit the counter with a loud crash. No, he hadn't drank that much the night before, but it was certainly enough to induce a somewhat forceful hangover. More than likely the headache came more from hearing Totchi screech all night rather then from the alcohol itself, and that was even worse. Shinya was often prone to 'band-induced' headaches. He could sit and listen contentedly to wooden sticks pound mercilessly at his drums for hours upon hours but he had somewhat of the opposite effect when he was forced to listen to his band mates bitch. Not that Toshiya didn't deserve to bitch, there was no doubt that he was hurting from it all, but it wouldn't solve anything. Shinya never understood the point of letting your emotions go crazy, he never understood crying even though it had happened once or twice with him, when he could no longer hold it back but he never did like it. He thought it better somehow to keep it bottled away, it made for a better working atmosphere. He managed to pry off the top and down a well deserved dose of aspirin. It wasn't like he didn't care what was going on, far from it. He was really and truly concerned for both of his friends. Kyo was his best friend and he knew Kyo kept everything hidden, not quite as much as Shinya, but enough, though their similarities ended right there. They kept it hidden for different reasons. Shinya because he never wanted anyone to get close enough to hurt him and Kyo because he wanted to be as strong as he portrayed himself on stage. He decided a long time ago that he would never meddle in his friend's affairs if they didn't concern him, and this situation definitely did not concern him in the least.

There was a knock at the door. Shinya figured it was probably Die again, they did have two bathrooms but Die had to want to be in the one Shinya was in. He was in no mood for that game today.

"Go piss in the yard for all I care Daisuke!" But Shinya did not hear the response he had expected.

"Oi, Someone's cranky this morning." Shinya blinked once or twice. Unless he was hearing things it was Toshiya's voice that had spat the line out effortlessly. He quickly opened the door in time to see the blue-haired bassist leaning against the door frame. He looked like a freight train had run him over during the night... and with Kaoru as his bed partner he wondered if that wasn't somehow entirely true.

"Ah. Gomen Toshiya, I thought you were that baka Die!"

Toshiya giggled. "Ne? Do I look that stupid?" Okay, so Die wasn't exactly stupid. In fact he was extremely intelligent he was just... the technical term would be... weird. Shinya was amused by that answer.

"What do you need, Totchi? Or did you just come to see if my eyes were puffier than yours."

Toshiya smiled. "I came in search of drugs. Please bless me with some aspirin, oh generous Lord of the bathroom."

Shinya rolled his eyes. "Not that again! Don't you start that too!" He thrust the bottle of Aspirin at the bassist almost forcefully. "Here. Now be gone foul demon!" Toshiya smiled and quickly downed two aspirins, sighing with satisfaction.

"Ne, Shinya? Where are Kyo and Kaoru?" Toshiya asked pensively.

"Hmm... don't you even keep track of your own Koi's anymore? Honestly you're slipping in your old age." The statement earned Shinya a giggle from the other man. "No, he was going to stay with Kyo last night, I just wondered if they'd gotten up yet."

Shinya was wide eyed. "Iya, I imagine they're still asleep then." No response, just a nod and a smirk and off he went back into the hallway leaving the drummer in sweet silence, which was just the way he wanted it.

***************

Die stared down at the pretty blue water in the toilet bowl. Blue? Why was it Blue? 'Oh yeah, those little blue cleaner thingies' He had been in the bathroom for five minutes now and he had managed to empty every drop of fluid he had left in his body. There could be no more! He reached down and flushed the toilet, sighing with satisfaction. That was certainly better! But his headache was getting worse. He groaned and washed his hands, almost falling asleep at the sink when there was a knock on the door. Without warning a blue head popped in to stare maniacally at him. He nearly fell over from fright when the only sound he heard was, "Diiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee." It was beyond creepy the way Toshiya managed to make some noises. 'Oh shit, he's Baaaaack' Die shuddered.

"I come bearing medicine." Die smiled dreamily when his eyes landed on the little white bottle with the familiar label.

'JOY!' Die practically squealed with delight as he attached himself to the bottle. Die quickly made short work of the intended dose and hugged Toshiya. "God bless you, gentle pill bearer!"

Toshiya couldn't help but let out a happy squawk at the sentence. Leave it to Die to cheer you up when you're as low as a person can get. Die freed his friend and went hurriedly to the living room, curling up on the couch and closing his eyes.

"What are you doing?" A deep voice resounded from the hallway. Die opened one eye to see his unkempt koi standing unfocusedly in the middle of the hall, Toshiya wandering around behind him, almost looking confused as to where he was supposed to be going. Toshiya had, in all likelihood, forgot where he was headed and decided to walk in circles in case he remembered so he wouldn't be at the opposite end of the house when his train of thought came back. He always did that, and to any one that wasn't his friend he would've just looked like an idiot, but it really made perfect sense.

Die smirked. "I'm waiting for my headache to go away. I figure if I lay perfectly still it won't know I'm here and will get bored with tormenting me."

Shinya rolled his eyes. "Die-kun wa baka da yo!" He walked toward the couch and curled up next to Die. "Well, as stupid as it sounds, what could it hurt to try?" Die threw his arm over Shinya and held him on the couch. They both lay as still as possible. There comes a time of desperation when you'll give the ridiculous a try.

Ten minutes later, Die opened his eyes. His headache was finally subsiding and he was almost ready for another day. Toshiya was still wandering aimlessly about the hallway lost in thought. Going to one end then circling back toward the other, it was beginning to drive Die insane. He could no longer watch, and closed his eyes quickly, trying to block out the image, it made him dizzy. But he still heard the sound of Toshiya's feet padding along the carpet, the small gray fibers giving way underneath his body weight.

"Toshiya, I'm begging you, just stay still!! You're making me nauseous!" Die pleaded, trying to hide his face under the palm of his hand. Toshiya stopped in his tracks. He had certainly worn a spot in the carpet from his many wanderings since they moved in, it was his favorite spot to lurk.

"Gomen. I'm just nervous."

"Hmm?" Die opened his eyes. "What for?"

"When Kyo wakes up..." He didn't even have to finish the sentence, Die understood.

"Ara! He's been asleep for awhile now. Who knows Totchi, maybe Kaoru calmed him down." Die could only hope. He didn't want to see a fight between the two over this. Toshiya slunk over to the couch and lay down beside it, needing to be near his friends. Die smiled as the hand that hung from the side of the couch traced slowly through Toshiya's hair. All they could do was wait...

******************

Kyo groaned as the light hit his eyes. Flinching, he rolled over and shoved his face into the warm body next to him, nuzzling further into the small space between Kaoru's shoulder blades, and sighing contently. He hadn't slept that good in months, almost a year. He really couldn't remember the exact time frame, but it had been awhile. Of course he had slept, Kyo was anything but an insomniac, it was just that every night it was restless, disturbed and his nightmares came. Slowly they'd creep in as he slumbered peacefully in his bed, and they'd steal him away to some dark, sorrowful place and there he'd remain in total rut until his band mates came to wake him in the morning. They thought he was just a lazy person, but that was far from the truth. It wasn't that he often slept late just for the sake of his laziness, more the fact that he couldn't wake up. Try as he might, the demons would bring him back down to their world writhing in agony, calling for his friends. And they came and they saved him. And he loved them. He needed them and he swore he'd die without them, locked in that black void, alone. But it was a strange feeling not having those dreams, even for one night. Kaoru had scared them all away. He had such power over nightmares. He was stronger than they were. He was a butterfly too, but his wings were free.

Suddenly the body was moving away from him. Kaoru turned over to face Kyo and readjusted himself, snuggling down into the covers, Kyo smiled seeing Kaoru's hair stick up everywhere. He looked like a giant purple koosh ball!

"Ohayo, Kyo-kun."

"Ohayo." He responded, throwing his arms above his head for a stretch. But... something was wrong, only one of his arms was in the air. He then realized that he couldn't feel two of them. In a fit of panic he gasped and yelled out.

"Kaoru! My arm's gone!!!!!!!" Kaoru knit his eyebrows together, Kyo was so weird! "No, it's not." He was just imagining things.

"It is too!!!" Kyo didn't even attempt to move from his position, in his sleepy state he wasn't sure if his other body parts would decide to leave him as well. So he sat as still as he could, not daring to give them a chance. The idea wasn't entirely ridiculous. He reminded himself, his other 'body part' had a mind of its own, so why couldn't his arm have one too? It had left him. Kaoru laughed as he stared at Kyo with wide eyes, admiring the look of panic spred across Kyo's adorable face.

"It's right there Kyo-kun." Kaoru said, motioning to the arm that was laying flat on the bed. Kyo looked down at it curiously. "Well... what's it doing?"

Kaoru humored the man. "Not much. It's pretty boring actually."

Anger replaced the panic in seconds and he swung his body up to a sitting position, his arm attempting to come with it, but it just dangled by his side.

"I swear to god Kaoru I can't feel it!!!"

Kaoru tried not to laugh at his friend, that would just get him into trouble... and lots of it.

"It must've fallen asleep, you've been laying on it all night."

Kyo threw out a dangerous glance. "No, YOU have!"

Kaoru sighed 'Oh, right. I was, wasn't I?' "Never mind whose fault it is, try to move it."

"... ... ... ... ... ..." Kyo looked annoyed. "I am. I'm moving it right now, but it's not doing anything." Kyo picked up his other arm and attempted to move it every which way, but it dropped back limply towards the bed with lightning speed.

"It sleeps just as good as you do!!" Kaoru said amazed.

Kyo put on his adorable pout and stared at it pitifully.

"That is NOT funny!" Kyo waved his other hand in the air symbolizing his distress at the situation.

A signature smile showed itself on Kaoru's face and he reached down to grab Kyo's arm, running his hands over it rapidly in an attempt to get the blood flowing to the area again. It was so kawaii how Kyo acted sometimes.

Kyo breathed in a long sigh as he felt awareness return to his lifeless limb. Kaoru placed it gently back in Kyo's lap, his grin still plastered on his face.

"Crisis averted." He announced happily as he ruffled the blonde hair messily, making it stick up even worse than it has been. Kyo blushed, realizing how stupid and childish he had acted, his eyes kept away from Kaoru's as he clutched his arm, flexing the fingers, and drowning in embarrassment. Kaoru figured he shouldn't say anything more or Kyo would turn bright red, so he opted to pretend like the cute event never happened.

"Sleep well?"

Kyo glanced up, still holding his arm protectively. "Hai. Dead to the world."

"Yeah I know. I woke up in the middle of the night and your head was at the foot of the bed, I had to pick you up and put you back at the top with me. I had to use my body as a restraint so you couldn't move anymore. You're a spider!!!"

Kyo laughed. "I always wonder how I wake up at the bottom of the bed... once I ended up with something from the other room in my hands." His hand scratched the back of his head as he smirked.

Kaoru's smile faded and his look turned serious.

"Well, all sleeping matters aside, I think you should tell Toshiya you're not mad at him, he's eating himself alive over this. Better get it over with." Kyo nodded and got out of the bed, momentarily adjusting his sweatpants and headed for the door. "Oh, and Kyo... "

He dropped his hand from the doorknob and turned to face Kaoru, who was still sitting wrapped up in Kyo's sheets.

"I promise I won't mention the arm thing to anyone." Blush came gushing back onto Kyo's face as he nodded. "Yeah... thanks."


*******************

Light bathed the room in a sun-kissed brilliance, streaming in from the sheer glass of the skylights, which lay directly in the path of the high afternoon sun. The soft light illuminated the area in an amiable glow, not quite strong enough to light the whole of the room. Small mirrored paneling on the side wall reflected the cascades of daylight onto the sleeping men, situated comfortably on the leather sofa, entwined in each other's arms. Underneath the couch's overcast shadow lay the bassist, fallen back into a light catnap, his chest rising and falling with every serene breath he drew in. Shadows danced across his stunning features as the clouds moved high to hide the sun and let it reappear through a break in the sky.

Feet pressed firmly against the silvery-grey threading of the carpet, one thrown in front of the other almost noiselessly as Kyo walked barefoot along the hallway, the soft fluff of the flooring enveloping his tired feet. The act of having walked the city for hours in the cold the night before had taken a small toll on his muscles, but he shrugged it off with ease as he neared the confines of the living room. An unfamiliar feeling had claimed him, an almost surreal episode, he thought. Sleeping next to Kaoru, though, feeling the heat of his body in that usually empty bed, it made everything seem that much more pleasant. A memory held on to as it were. As much as it pained him to admit codependency, he had to tolerate the fact that whether or not he was fond of the idea, it was something that he needed. Resolution for dreams, for reality, for... whatever he felt locked within himself.

The tender soles of his feet finally found the worn spots at the end of the hallway, the rug flattened and distorted in various points along the walls, places that were still warm from the cause. 'Toshiya's awake' His heart stilled as he stared down at the series of flattened fibers, trailing in paths, and his mind wandered back to the club, to Toshiya. He was thinking of him.

How gentle and fragile he had seemed and yet so completely sure of himself. Contradiction had been ever present in his eyes, selfless and selfish. Wanting but pushing away and then taking back said object of desire. It was not new to him, making love, nor was the act brimming with originality for Kyo, but the way it felt. And still, they hadn't. They'd never overstepped that line and for one diminutive fraction of a second Kyo regretted it all. So purely romantic in the way he kissed, touched, it was almost like a love, some desolate passion that was never given occasion to fly.

Countering the pleasure and the emotion of the night was some ill-omened anxiety. Fear of losing everything. His fears weren't of finding out a sexual attraction for one of his best friends, the thought intimidated him, but he wasn't afraid. It was fear based upon emotion. Had he possessed Toshiya... it would've killed Kaoru, and he would sooner breathe his last himself.

Dark chocolate eyes found reality as he stared single-mindedly at the form curled up at the foot of the couch, swallowed amidst a play of shadows opposing light, each fighting for the gift of dominance over the flawless beauty that lay beneath them, unaware his pure splendor was driving the two forces to fight so violently to possess him.

In the end it was Kyo's shadow that took him, his form crouching over the pretty bassist. The battle was his, but he would not own the prize.

A soft hand reached up to shake the sleeping man. Kyo remained silent, letting his actions alone speak for him. Toshiya opened his eyes and gasped almost inaudibly when his eyes met the blonde's. Fingertips hastily flew to Kyo's lips, urging the other to be silent while the two rested above him, and with a slight nod in the direction of Toshiya's bedroom, implored the larger of the two to follow without question. Toshiya's motions affirmed the request as he stood and headed for the seclusion of his room, following the other man without a sound.

A slight press of hands closed the only means of escape, the click of the door was the only sound to survive thus far. And the sound rang true throughout the room for a brief moment making Toshiya cringe with alarm. He looked up desperately trying to read the emotion on Kyo's face but his effort was in vain. Kyo's eyes were focused but devoid of any glimmer of hope, and yet at the same time there was no anger residing in his expression. A confusing display of interacting sentiments.

The air felt heavy to Toshiya, poignant and dominating. Kyo's lips parted to release the only word he could remember...

"Toshiya..." It was enough to drive itself straight through Toshiya's heart as he let the tears come, welling up in his eyes to fall again in the still room, for the second time in 24 hours.

"I'm sorry. Kyo-kun I'm so sorry." His voice faltered. "I'm not... going to make any excuses for my actions. Just... please don't hate me."

The incredibly faint smile on Kyo's face would've gone unnoticed by anyone but Toshiya, and he held on to it for what felt like eternities.

"Totchi, I don't hate you." It was simple, the words, the usage, but it was exactly the peace Toshiya needed. "I'm not even mad at you. Know that if I ever was I really can't remember." Kyo sat down next to Toshiya, bringing a pillow to his chest and clutching it protectively, almost as if it was an indestructible shield. "Toshiya... I can't tell you why I ran out..." The words hit Toshiya harshly as he looked up at his friend.

"It's not for you to hear. Just... please know that it wasn't because I felt any kind of anger at you." A weak smile.

"I'm sorry I made you cry. You're all puffy..." Kyo snickered when Toshiya's hand flew up to his face, callused fingertips carefully tracing over the slight swelling under his eyes. Toshiya's voice barely came out a whisper.

"You made me puffy." He pouted sweetly, sniffing and finally relaxing, accepting Kyo's words without overanalyzing.

"I never meant to." Tense atmosphere very slowly gave way to a more comfortable, complete one.

"Me either, Kyo." A series of sniffles found their way from the bassist, his hand brushing past his nose to wipe away offending moisture.

Toshiya was calming down but still hesitant to look at his friend.

"Last night...it won't...hurt us will it? I mean...are we still friends?" 'Was he serious?' Kyo could only wonder.

"Totchi, of course. Didn't we all promise when we started this band that we'd all be friends no matter what?"

Toshiya nodded sheepishly.

"Don't think that I'd let something as trivial as this get in the way of that."

'But it wasn't trivial!' Toshiya wanted to scream. 'I waited forever for that kiss, to taste you, it meant more than you'll ever know!' He wanted to yell at Kyo and tell him how much that one moment actually meant to him, but he couldn't. The thoughts never left his lips.

"Trivial? Then it didn't freak you out?" Kyo was dumbfounded, he really didn't know how to answer. His hand flew up to scratch at his head.

"Well, not really, I was mostly just shocked I guess. I mean that was beyond fan service."

Toshiya couldn't help but giggle when Kyo threw out a confused smirk, only one side of his mouth curling upward, twitching slightly and showing his adorable set of crooked teeth. The bassist melted every time Kyo smiled, and even amidst the tension this time was no different.

Silence quieted the laughter once again as both sat in quiet contemplation. Both glad to be friends, and misunderstandings behind them for the moment.

Kyo held the pillow tighter to himself and pursed his lips together in a small pout, mentally debating bringing up Kaoru's whereabouts. He was probably still tucked into Kyo's sheets, he didn't know why but he felt a bit guilty for allowing Kaoru to stay and not arguing the point, he really should have. Before the blonde could find the words the other had already begun conversation again.

"Are your nightmares bothering you anymore?" Kyo looked up, Toshiya was curled into the comforter now and looking quizzical and innocent.

"Sometimes." Kyo laughed. "Since when did you start to care about that?"

"Shouldn't I? Don't know, I just remember you sneaking up in the middle of the night, going to Kaoru's room. Then one night you just stopped, I figured you stopped having them."

"I don't belong in there anymore Totchi. I can handle it on my own."

Totchi giggled.

"He can't. He's pitiful. I think he got used to having someone there, he can't sleep without a person in the bed anymore."

Kyo laughed, "That's what he has you for." He threw in a cocky smirk just for good measure.

"Yeah well, if they come back, the room is still there if you need it. Just one more person in there that's all."

Kyo looked confused.

"You don't mind?"

"No, of course not. Bed's too big for the two of us anyway, since I glomp in my sleep too. Besides you don't take up much room."

Kyo's eyes narrowed as he hurled the pillow at Toshiya's head, hitting him directly in the face.

"Bitch! I'm not THAT little! If I didn't spend so much time trying to set things right this morning I'd cut you up into little pieces and feed you to Puchi and Buchi!"

Toshiya threw out a face of mock terror and pretended to back away in fear. "No, Kyo-kun, anything but that!"

His pout soon twisted back into a smile as Totchi got even more dramatic, grabbing his chest and faking a heart attack.

"Totchi!" Kyo rolled his eyes. Frustrated Totchi mumbled, "I'm not talking to you, murderer!"

"Okay Okay, I won't kill you, happy?"

An eye slid open. "You sure? I mean I might be a threat to your pride or something. I think you should kill me."

Kyo let out a snort. "You are SUCH a drama queen!" Kyo pushed himself off the bed, bringing forth a cry of displeasure from the current sole occupant of the large cushy bed. The bassist was sprawled out on the layers of cushioning like a rag doll, sulking.

Hands descended upon the reflective brass of the doorknob; Kyo turned to look back towards the bed, questions burning in his eyes. His mind was sated, possessing an assurance of their friendship, but no answers he chased. Of course, he hadn't thought he'd find them in Toshiya's words, they were remedies he'd have to seek on his own. But he'd been offered a temporary salvation...

"Toshiya... I'll take you up on that offer you know. I haven't slept well in a while... and it..." Toshiya's cheerful smile pushed his words back into his throat, staying them with a glance. "I know." His smile brightened. "I hoped you might."

Kyo laughed nervously. "You sure Kaoru won't mind though I mean..."

An authoritative yet gentle voice resounded throughout the room. "Of course I won't. You've always been welcome." Kaoru smiled at his friends. "Everything ok? I didn't hear screaming or anything so I knew either everything was going well or one of you killed the other. I'm glad to see you're both alive." Kyo rolled his eyes and held the doorknob tighter, pushing the door open fully as he politely pushed past Kaoru and away from the room.

Somewhere in the preceding minutes the couch had been emptied, and it stood quiet, free of the two bodies. Dishes were stacked unevenly in the sink waiting for someone to break down and clean them. Kyo raised an eyebrow. It wouldn't be him. He sneered at the sight and retrieved a glass from the cabinet, pouring a glass of milk. He stared down at the creamy white liquid for a second or two before sighing and returning to the plastic inner door of the fridge and grabbing a brown bottle of syrup. He set the glass, the bottle and himself on the even tiles of the floor, sitting Indian style, and bent over the glass, staring at it. Soon the bottle was airborne, firmly in both hands and floating above the open top of the cup. He let out a hushed series of insane giggles as he squeezed the bottle, emptying its chocolaty contents into the milk slowly, watching the brown syrup swirl and disappear into the depths of the glass.

When Kyo was quite satisfied that there was enough cocoa flavoring in the drink he reached up into a drawer and seized a spoon and returned to his cup, stirring the contents eccentrically like a mad scientist. Marveling at his new creation he smiled and took a sip, his face contorting into chocolaty bliss. Happy, he leaned back against the cabinets and nursed his cup leisurely, savoring the sweet taste as it coolly soothed his tired throat.

Jingling sounds echoed in his ears, and he turned to find the auburn haired drummer twirling his key ring on his index finger, the metal clinking together as it looped about in an endless spiral. Kyo frowned and clutched his milk protectively, staring up at the strange man. "Kyo-kun, I'm going out for awhile."

Kyo nodded and took another drink of chocolate milk. "That's nice." Shinya frowned and blew ginger-colored hair from his eyes. "I thought you might go with me. You've been here too long with nothing to do, you're going to go stir-crazy... just look at yourself." Kyo twitched, a rich chocolate mustache clinging to his upper lip.

"Come on Kyo." Shinya grabbed the smaller man's arm and pulled him up, snatching the drained glass from Kyo's hands and setting it on the counter. The Drummer pushed Kyo towards his bedroom. "Get dressed and let's go."


*******************


5:37 pm

The early afternoon crowds were slowly vanishing from the building, swarms dissipating, leaving the leisure shoppers to go about their business without the rush and hell of being swept away with the torrents of people. The mall was relatively clear here and there, far less busy than it had previously been and Shinya was glad. He hated crowds, they made him nervous.

Kyo was trailing beside him chewing on the little synthetic straw that stuck into his raspberry slushie. Plastic bags filled with small odds and ends were slung onto his arms, some his, some Shinya's. They had been shopping for hours, they'd been to too many stores to count, or so Kyo figured. Clothing stores, accessory shops, interesting gift shops selling bizarre novelty items, and one electronic store to curb his need for videogames and shiny electric and digital devises of all kinds.

Shinya walked silently, pondering their next destination... but they had been everywhere and his feet were tired and in desperate need of rest. Mentally sulking he tapped Kyo on the shoulder and motioned to a white bench near the second floor railing, situated nicely between two potted plants, fake probably. Only a race as idiotic as humans would feel the need for artificial shrubbery.

Kyo nodded and deposited himself comfortably onto the wooden supports of the seat. He yawned and stretched out, setting the bags on the ground near his feet and watched as Shinya sat down beside him, rubbing at his sore ankles. Shinya only hoped they would miraculously escape being noticed by fans. It wasn't like he disliked them, far from it, but this was HIS time and he detested having his time interrupted by anyone. Besides he wanted to speak with Kyo. Ever since the night at the club Shinya felt a bit uneasy, Toshiya and Kyo had made up that morning, but the confession Toshiya had made to him was still clear in his ears and it scared him that maybe Toshiya would not let the matter rest and Kyo would be thrown into something he would never be ready for. He wanted to tell Kyo what Toshiya had said to him, but it wasn't his place. Still, he had to do something right? Kyo was his best friend... but... what -could- he do?

Kyo cleared his throat. "Shinya, can I ask you a question?" The subtle sound of Kyo's voice tore him from his trance.

"I suppose."

"It's personal." Kyo added, making sure Shinya knew what he was getting in to. He had more respect for Shinya than to just ask out of the blue. The drummer was secretive and private and Kyo understood him.

Shinya sighed and wrinkled his brow, concentrating. "Go ahead."

Kyo nodded and shifted to look at Shinya. "You love Die?"

Shinya stopped, his face paling considerably under Kyo's gaze. "Yes, but that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid when it happened if that's what you're asking. It's not easy for me to be close to anyone." He paused. "And besides... Die was my first, you know?" The blush on Shinya's cheeks was outstandingly obvious.

"You serious?!" Kyo blurted out. The flushed color now claiming even more of the drummer's pale skin.

"I mean..." Kyo corrected. "He was your first guy or your first lover?"

Shinya looked away, now absorbed in observing the colorful tile squares on the mall floor. Staring adamantly at the matt black scuff marks that lingered on the linoleum.

"First lover, first anything in a way." Words came out almost inaudible from Shinya's full lips.

Blonde hair brushed quietly against Kyo's face as he turned his head quickly to look at Shinya in astonishment. "Why? I -know- it wasn't 'cause people found you unattractive!! And as quiet as you are you are loaded with an amazing personality."

A smile crept up on the pouty lips. "I never wanted one. Never trusted someone with my heart, or my body. Can I tell a secret?" Kyo nodded politely.

"The reason I skip around questions in interviews... it's because I don't know the answers. Or didn't for a long time. It wasn't that I was trying THAT hard to keep my privacy. They ask what kind of girl I like and I couldn't answer. They ask if I prefer men and I didn't know. I didn't prefer anyone. I never wanted a lover. I was supposed to be alone, I couldn't fall in love, and I liked it that way, it was safe. Everything was safe before Die."

"You sound like you resent him."

"No. However, sometimes I wonder why I am with him at all."

"Why are you?"

"Because I love him, and that's everything, isn't it? I am his to do whatever he wants with, it's strange to me, and sometimes I rail against it, but it's what I want. But I am not used to someone that close, so I am afraid that I can't be what he needs. I mean the first time we..." A suggestive gesture made Kyo snicker. "I panicked and made myself believe it was all for him, that I was doing it because -he- wanted it and not that I did."

Kyo nodded, a bit strange to be talking sex with Shinya. "Were you weirded out that he was a guy?"

Shinya frowned, "A little bit, though it's strange to admit it now. It's never something you plan on. I was even more scared at the fact that it was Die."

Kyo sat undisturbed, he didn't know quite what to say. "It was scary when I found out." Shinya paused, "That day he told me he loved me. I never wanted to see him again. But it terrified me that I felt the same. I hated myself for it, and then you told me... 'You can't choose who you love. But if you have it... who cares where it came from, it's everything.'"

Kyo sneered, "Actually I said, 'Who gives a shit where it came from, it's fuckin' everything.'" Shinya shot Kyo a death glare. "Well, I edited a bit then. Good advice doesn't need cuss words to make a point." The smaller man sulked. "But they give it more character, in all honesty the word 'fuck' makes people pay attention."

The drummer rolled his eyes. "I suppose good advice is good advice no matter the wording. Anyway, I never thanked you for that."

Kyo gave a toothy grin. "Shinya, I just didn't want you making a mistake you might've regretted."

Shinya nodded and stood up to stretch, casually eyeing his silver watch. "Well, it's late, we should get dinner and drive home. I wasn't expecting to drive this far, but it has the best stores. You ready?"

Kyo nodded and dropped his slushie into the nearest receptacle, bags firmly in his hands once more and he took his place beside Shinya as they walked, not saying another word, only nodding when Shinya suggested a place to eat as they headed for the exit.

Shinya shuddered inwardly, hoping that his talk might've prepared him for, or hinted at anything Kyo would have to deal with. Somehow he knew Toshiya would never let it rest, when Toshiya fell, he fell hard!


*******************


The blue glow of the PlayStation2's power light flickered and faded into a diffused red tone, the whirring sound of the game CD winding down, marking the end of another 4 hour marathon in the vocalist's gaming history. The click of the game case snapping closed, the booklet slid back snugly into it's holder inside and the case set on top of the black console. Kyo sighed and ran his hands through his hair, collapsing backwards onto his bed. It was past one o'clock am and it seemed as though he was the only one awake. Though if it was the case, surprise would be the last thing he'd throw out.

He sat up and turned, staring at the large expanse of bed that he was placed on, his weight turning down the edge of the mattress. The silence was only broken by the soft droning of the PlayStation2, annoyed he flicked the power switch and wound up his controller. The television cast a bluish glow about the room, saddening almost. It was maddening just being in that room. The empty bed, cool to the touch, the air creeping silently in from poorly insulated windows. He'd been meaning to have them fixed, but never got around to it. When it came down to it, he really didn't care. What did it matter anyway? That room would always feel cold.

He glanced at the clock once more and wondered if he should take Toshiya and Kaoru up on the offer for a warm bed. One last glance back at the harsh wooden headboard, the slack pillows and the desolate air filling the room he pushed himself up and made for the door. The offer had been made, and he would accept. Anything was better than here.

*****

A small sound claimed the room though neither of its occupants noticed in their state, the faint creak of neglected hinges. Kyo's firm hand rested lightly on the door frame, almost afraid to enter, he wondered if he was really welcome or if the suggestion had been made only to ease his mind. A plea for sympathy.

A series of small whimpers emanated from the darkness of the bedroom, heavy breathing, faint moaning... 'My god...' Kyo stopped as his eyes adjusted to the blackness, now catching the moonlight that streamed in through parted slats of blinds.

And the image of the bed, previously distorted, was now clearing amply for view. Kyo's eyes went wide and he suppressed a gasp by clapping his hand over his mouth. What he saw could not be mistaken, even in his dazed state.

Kaoru was vigorously slamming into the long-limbed beauty below him, Totchi pinned by both his arms and beautifully writhing beneath him, lost completely to desire. Soft sounds and murmurs escaping his divided, kiss-swollen lips. The act losing all its roughness and for a moment becoming something divine, seemingly reminiscent of some heavenly secret that was never meant for the eyes of any mortal.

Kyo was awed, watching as these angels made love. He felt his body react. The picture before him both intensely arousing and at the same time massively terrifying! True, these were angelic beings now, entwined to the very heights of human ecstasy, but at the same time these were his friends, his band mates and it made him shudder.

His presence, however, did not go entirely unnoticed. His small figure catching the light in the instant Toshiya's eyes fluttered open for a brief second. A smile stole Toshiya's expression as he now thrust up to meet his lover, proceeding to play a great performance for his one man audience. His cries coming louder as he continued his show of eroticism.

Kyo couldn't move, either erotic shock or fear of have being seen had claimed him, or both and his body was completely ignoring the pleas to run that his mind screamed every second that passed. Finally, taking Toshiya's echoing final moan, practically a scream, as a cue Kyo turned and fled, hitting the wall in the hallway violently in his distress. The impact of his body with the corner wall, leaving a sharp pain in his arm and chest.

The sensation went ignored as he turned to hide, somewhere where he could go away, disappear forever.


**************


Fake, Plastic stars marked the two angel's heaven from high upon the ceiling, their galaxy held firmly in place by small pieces of tacky adhesive. Toshiya smiled to himself, laying on his back and staring up at his glow-in-the-dark world above, chest heaving. The last of the fuzzy stars cleared from his vision as he came winding down from his bliss. And for a moment nothing existed but him and his koi, not even the briefly forgotten presence of the alarmed vocalist. But soon this wayward image crept slowly back into being and the stars became a distant memory.

This chance of action was too good. Almost ecstatic that he had made the offer of the bed to Kyo, he pushed himself up to rest on his elbows. He hadn't expected Kyo to open up to the idea so soon after suggesting it, but it played out perfectly... or had it? He knew that catching them, it had definitely turned Kyo on, his eyes told him that when he caught sight of them through the dark. Heavy and the fire of desire strong in them but, at the same time Kyo wasn't the type to acknowledge this type of desire and it might have hurt Toshiya's chances more than it had helped. The vocalist was definitely disturbed by the image, if he hadn't of been he wouldn't of run out like that. Toshiya let himself fall again on to his back and muttered a soft curse. He didn't want this to happen again, and he really hadn't thought Kyo would be that desperate to seek solace in their bed yet. And caught among his thoughts he never noticed the stare he was receiving from his partner.

"Totchi... What's wrong?"

Toshiya grimaced and rolled over, not really even hearing Kaoru's words.

"Did I hurt you?"

Those words, however, Toshiya did hear. And he turned with all the speed he could to face his koi and shake his head in refusal. "No, never! That was fucking amazing!" Kaoru chuckled. "Amazing fucking?" Toshiya laughed and nodded.

"Then what's wrong?"

Toshiya cupped Kaoru's cheek in one hand and nudged him to turn his head. Kaoru did as he was being silently directed and his eyes fell on the gaping doorway, the light from the hallway streaming in through the open expanse of air.

"What? You want me to close it? Are you afraid a monster will get you?" Kaoru said with a light snicker.

Toshiya's eyes looked upset and hurt. "A little one." Kaoru looked confused but moved to climb off the bed and shut the door when he realized...

"Didn't you shut the door when we came in here? It was closed wasn't it?"

"Hai."

"But how did it... "

"Kyo." Blush spread across the guitarists face as he dropped back on the bed and quickly covered his nakedness with the sheets, piling them on top of himself, till he was quite comfortable. Toshiya giggled. "Well, it's no use doing that now, he's already seen the goodies."

"Oh God!" the purple haired man buried his face into his hands in embarrassment.

"You think I should go and talk to him, make sure he's ok..." Toshiya's face was both amused and concerned and Kaoru wondered if Toshiya hadn't enjoyed the little audience he had received.

"If you think it will help Totchi, but I doubt he'll just jump at the chance to talk about the whole beast fucking - naked friend thing. How much did he see anyway??!!"

Totchi blinked. "Of your goodies?"

If Kaoru could've sweat dropped...

"I KNOW those weren't protected from little eyes, but I mean the... in and out part..."

"You truly are a poet Kao-kun." Toshiya's lips met with Kaoru's forehead and he pushed himself off the bed.

"I'm gonna see if he's resorted to hiding from me yet." Totchi moved to leave the bed fully and Kaoru reached to stop him, Toshiya staring back quizzically. "Totchi... before you do that..." Totchi practically purred at the look the guitarist was unknowingly giving him. "Yeeeeees?" Kaoru sighed and coughed.

"Pants might be a good thing." Totchi stopped and looked down, sighing in defeat. "Just a thought."

Pants sucked.


*****************

Kyo let his body fall to rest on the silky breadth of the sheeted mattress below him, and he curled slightly into himself, his arms coming to wrap warmly around his knees as he pulled them closer to his chest, struggling for their safety and heat. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to force himself to sleep but his will wasn't strong enough to push him that extra step into dreaming.

The tarnished brass of the doorknob turned and hitched against itself as it caught against the lock. Kyo's eyes flung open and he silently watched as the knob twisted a few times then fell slack once more. He praised himself for remembering to lock the door, perhaps now he'd never forget again.

There came a gentle sound of fingernails, graining against the wood of the door, softly scratching like a cat begging for its master to let it in. The noise was light and pleading, not harsh and one might even say relaxed if not slightly disturbing to fall asleep to. A mewling sound, almost a whimper, broke through the heavy frame of the door, as the soft scraping continued much to Kyo's temporary amusement.

The mewling shifting to form a whispered chant of the vocalist's name, the voice pleading and distraught, but at the same time teasing and playful. This paradoxical tone only able to bleed from the lips of the bassist, so there was no doubt at who the sound belonged to.

"Please." The tone was drawn out and lessened, sounding almost like the deep chime of a bell. "Kyo... " Another time this bell rang its song, this time almost forming a pleading moan of frustration. Kyo felt his lower belly tighten at the sound of it, his stomach fluttering, almost as if this bell had burrowed straight into his body. His torso tensed and uncomfortable as the pleading continued outside, echoed only by the subdued pawing at the door.

"Let me in... Kyo-kun... please..."

'No Totchi. It's okay though... tomorrow we'll talk, sleep for now.'

Kyo felt his eyes finally drift closed and his ears rang tenderly from Toshiya's soothing pleas, ultimately being able to concentrate on the sound long enough to drift into an effortless slumber.

Outside, Toshiya sighed heavily and leaned his body against the locked door, his right hand still involuntarily stroking its dark colored expanse, occasionally hitting the cool brass of the doorknob in hopes he would find it unlocked. With his head pressed to the wooden frame he heard hushed, habitual breathing from within the confines of the room on the other side. 'He's sleeping...' The bassist smiled to himself and thought that perhaps he DID have a talent for over analyzing situations. Kyo obviously wasn't that troubled, it could wait. After all, all they had was time.


******************


Die absentmindedly stirred the small silver spoon through the rich liquid of his hot chocolate, the whipped cream gathering on the handle as the liquid twirled around and around, crashing faintly like waves against the mini marshmallows, engulfing their white fluff and drowning them in the creamy dark depths of the mug. The food was taking forever and he was bored and hungry and the majority of his marshmallow had had already been stolen by the fair haired man across from him who was currently sprawled out across the seat of the booth, staring blankly at passerby's, the rumbling sound of his stomach bringing the red head out of his daze.

"Hungry..." Kyo whined as he stretched out even more, taking up the expanse of the seat, his feet almost dangling off the edge as he sat sideways, sulking.

"Yeah, me too! I thought the purpose of restaurants was to feed you not starve you. That's bad customer service ne?" Die voiced while still playing with his chocolate before taking a sip.

Kyo sighed heavily and rested his head back against the wall, feeling the walls of his stomach grumble again, though slightly louder. "If those stupid fucks don't hurry up my body's gonna start eating itself!"

Die cringed. "That won't be pretty, and besides what would I tell the guys? 'Sorry, but our vocalist had an episode from the twilight zone and imploded from hunger, by the way his funeral's tomorrow.' I don't think that would be taken too well. Besides, if you starve now Dir en grey will be officially destroyed, so I'm begging you to hold on."

Kyo chuckled and took a sip of his coke. "What a lame way to go! But don't act too concerned, you guys would probably celebrate my 'untimely demise'. You know, like have one of those voodoo ceremonies and dance naked on my grave or something."

Die snorted, almost spitting out a stream of chocolate. "You know us too well." Sarcasm laced in his words, and he smiled a patented Ando smile. Kyo winced and twitched involuntarily. 'Ahhh! Not the Ando smile. Damn my eyes!' "Besides, I can just see that in the headlines. 'Dir en grey heads of secret voodoo cult. Performs Ritualistic nude ceremony to honor fallen band mate.'"

"Like the fans would care what the press said." Die stated flatly. Kyo's face twisted into a smile. "They'd just care about the 'naked' part. Might be interesting."

"Your 'untimely demise' or the voodoo ceremony?" Kyo shrugged. "Both I suppose. Depending on the way both were carried out you know." Die stopped stirring his hot cocoa, his smile dropping off his face as quickly as it had come. "Kyo, don't say that." Kyo looked up at Die, curious. "What? I was just joking."

"Even so, I don't wanna ever think about that. You're too important to us, you know? I mean if we ever lost a member... we'd all die. And I don't want to think about it. You mention Hide-sama to Yoshiki and he cracks. I don't want to cry every time I hear your name." Kyo stared in shock at the red head. 'Where in the hell did this come from??!! ' "Die, don't worry ne? I'm not going anywhere..."

Kyo's train of thought was pleasantly interrupted by the bubbly waitress that approached the table, carrying with her a tray of carefully prepared food. It wasn't often that they went out to eat and even less when they went out to eat for Italian food, so they were determined to enjoy this. Die was practically drooling by the time the waitress set his plate in front of him, Kyo eyeing Die's plate spitefully until his own was placed before him and a small chorus of "Itadakimasu" chimed through their small corner of the restaurant before both men dived into their food.

"Kyo..." Die paused and glanced up from his spaghetti to see if he had succeeded in capturing the smaller man's attention. "Do you think Kaoru would let us do that naked ritual thing?" Suddenly Kyo's lasagna just wasn't the be all and end all of his existence anymore and he stopped in the act of worshipping it to stare blankly at his friend for what seemed to Die like hours. Creepy long hours. "Kyo-kun, that's freaky..." Die winced, it wasn't just freaky, it was like Kyo was the devil and he was in the process of stealing Die's soul. Kyo blinked in confusion, practicing his death glare really worked wonders. "Die, I don't think our esteemed leader-san would just jump at the idea."

Pouting, Die speared another meatball and twirled it around in the sauce for a moment. "Maybe Shin-chan..." his thoughts ended abruptly as he saw the look he was receiving from the blonde. "My God, I just don't wanna know. Since when did you turn into a horny retard?!" Die blinked, either ignoring the insult or not taking it as one. "I wake up that way... doesn't everyone?"

Kyo rolled his eyes and went back to the job of filling his cranky stomach. "And what does Shinya think of this 'Captain Kinky' persona?"

"Well, I'm not really that way around him. I keep getting this vibe that he's scared of me, or at least scared of being with me. I don't wanna lose him, you know? So I just back off. I mean the physical side has already proven to be fuckin' awesome, but I'm happy without it if it's what he wants."

Kyo blinked. "I don't think Shinya's as scared as you think."

"Maybe, but the way he looks at me..."

Kyo sighed and considered his Freudian approach to it all. "Look Die, Shinya loves you, he's told me that much, unconditionally even. So just trust him, you're starting to sound like a mentally challenged crybaby." Die nodded, silently returning to the wonders of his dinner.

"How in the hell did you end up falling for that stoic brat anyway?" Now it was Die's turn to shot a death glare and he executed it with remarkable precision. Kyo snickered. "He's my best friend I can call him names if I want. Okay, okay, he's an incredibly sweet and wonderful... stoic brat. There, happy?... Now talk!"

When Die laughed his whole face lit up. "I really have no idea. It just kind of gradually snuck up on me and bit me on the ass." Kyo lifted an eyebrow, "Not literally I hope. I can't imagine Shinya being so forward..." Kyo watched as a stream of sauce nearly flew from Die's mouth when he laughed, the noodles shaking and falling back onto his plate.

"No, no just... .ha ha! It just kind of shocked me and I was freaked for a little bit but it's Shinya... he's my friend and I love him so why not... kind of like you and Totchi ne?"

Kyo gave a suppressed squeak and dropped his fork, watching the cool metal sink in amongst the mess of sauce and noodles.

"Die, I'm straight. Sorry to disappoint you."

"Yeah, I was too. That changed a bit, but I really don't care what they call it, I love Shinya." Die paused. "Man, my Mom and Dad'll kill me when I tell 'em. And I've got to eventually, ne? Wow, I wouldn't wanna be me when that happens." A warm laugh echoed throughout their enclosed corner of the booth, Die's hand slung to the back just accentuated how utterly adorable the red head was sometimes. "I see that kind of happening with you and Totchi too, just little things. With him, there's certainly an attraction there... all I'm saying is there's opportunity there if you were interested. I never said you were."

"Yeah, Die. IF I was interested, Totchi's my friend and besides he's with Kaoru. You wanna play matchmaker get me a cute and freaky fan girl, one that knows just how to scream my name."

"Shouldn't be too hard to find one of those, seems as though Kyo-fans are everywhere these days."

"Well, if you happen to come across one in your travels send her my way, I believe I saw one of those 'best used by:' labels on my 'Kyo-chan' last time I checked and that can't be good for business." Die laughed. "That's scary. You better find something to keep you occupied and see if it still works." Kyo paused. "It scares me when you say 'something'. Besides I'm not that much of a sex hound. Performing a live is better in my opinion."

"Blasphemy. Obviously you just haven't been with the right person. But you say that cause you can't watch yourself perform ne?"

"What do you mean? Are you calling me a bad performer?!" Kyo scoffed and viciously stabbed his lasagna with his fork, watching as it blended marinara sauce.

Die shook his head, waving his hands for added emphasis. "Never, you're awesome. Just when you do that hip wiggle thing and make friends with your pants, it drives everyone crazy. We've had a meeting about it before you know. We had to sedate Toshiya once because of it, he's weak and those Macabre pants are just too powerful."

Chocolate eyes went wide and Kyo nearly coughed back up a mouthful of lasagna. "NANI!? That's just stage stuff!"

"Saa, but it's intense... ever wonder why none of us look at you while you perform." Another nervous laugh escaped the red head. "Me and Kaoru just stare at the floor now, or at the audience, and Totchi... poor Totchi he just uses fan service to try and cover his interest. Hmmm, I hate to say it but you DO notice how much he wears himself out ne? Trying to suppress all that tires you out I guess, cause he's certainly not doing all that with a bass, Totchi's in great shape. It's a mental thing."

"Yeah he's mental alright. You all are, stage conspiracy theories and all."

Die waved a finger at Kyo who looked as if he was going to bite it off.

"I never said anything about conspiracies. If it IS a conspiracy it has to do with those devil pants of yours."

"I'm beginning to think you let Miyu chew on your head one too many times in your sleep."

Die rolled his eyes, returning to his meal. "I'm just stating facts, we've all talked about it. Whether you choose to believe this shit is up to you."

Kyo sighed and leaned back in his seat, motioning for the waitress to come with the check so he could escape. "Well in light of that fact, I think it's you four who're starting the damned conspiracy. But it's bullshit, Die. It's all for show."

"So da! But show or not it's still damned distracting." Kyo flashed a crooked smile, the kind that gave the heavens life. "I'll take your word for it Die-kun."

A wordless nod sent the waitress back to her duties, cash in hand. Die stood, gathering his possessions as he followed his friend out of the restaurant and back out into the chill of the open air.

***********

'The car was silent most of the trip home. Mostly it was due to the simple fact that we were both tired with full stomachs and then there was the fact that neither one of us had anything interesting to say and that little fact usually hinders conversations, don't you agree? But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, just a kind of friendly one, when company can be enjoyed without the added aggravation of words. I was kind of liking it, to be honest. Staring out at the world beyond the window glass, watching the buildings fly by with every peaceful second and wondering what it would be like to live like that, in every second I mean. Take chances, risks, live on that edge everyone seems to talk about. But maybe the 'edge' wasn't like how people said. Maybe it was a metaphor, not for danger and excitement but one for the little chances people never allow themselves to take. Most of my life I lived on chance, I turned in a blank exam for high school once because there was a chance I would become a musician, no matter how remote it was. My parents were pissed to say the least but I couldn't stop believing I was going to be something great. I moved to Osaka with my band, I was broke but there was a chance I could find something in me, something worth all that beauty I believed in... I found my voice.

And now that I found it the concept of chance was forever lost to me it seemed. But it really didn't matter that much, did it? The only chance I believed in now was the occasion of nightmares. But even now, I'm not believing in it anymore, the probability of them is overwhelming and I'm beginning to believe that my 'chance' for beautiful dreams is too far away for me to reach.'