Complicated This Feeling

“What’s wrong?” Tony asked as he pushed himself up from where he’d been leaning against the doorframe, watching Joel aimlessly flicking through the TV channels. He frowned when Joel jumped, not even bothering to turn and face him.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” He asked softly, changing channels again, staring blankly at the screen.

“Maybe because there is obviously something wrong,” Tony pointed out, sitting next to Joel on the end of the bed. He took the remote from Joel and switched the TV, dropping the remote to the floor. He crossed his legs under him and sat facing Joel, waiting for him to speak.

“I’m fine.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.”

Joel glanced to the side and couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips at the expression on Tony’s face. “What?”

“Talk to me, Joel. Tell me what’s wrong,” Tony prompted, reaching out for Joel, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand.

Joel moaned half under his bre pul pulling his hand away from Tony and wrapping his arms around himself, tensing on the bed. “It’s nothing,” he insisted.

Tony shook his head. “It’s definitely not nothing.”

“I’m tired, that’s all.”

“That’s not all,” Tony sighed. “Why won’t you talk to me, Joel?”

“What do you want me to say?” Joel pulled away from Tony, moving to lie on his stomach.

Tony shook his head and lay down next to Joel. “The truth would be a good start. You’ve been sulky and moody all afternoon.” He paused. “And come to think of it, so has Benji. Have you two fallen out?”

Joel shrugged.

“Oh, Joel…” Tony reached out to cup Joel’s cheek in his hand, kissing him lightly on the lips. “What happened?”

“Benji saw,” he answered quietly. “He kept asking me what was wrong. I told him it was nothing and he started asking me if someone had hurt me. I couldn’t… I didn’t know what to tell him, Tony.” His tongue flickered out to wet his lips. “He was just being concerned and… And I told him to fuck off! He keeps looking at me with these big sad eyes, but… I can’t…” He broke off with a sob, covering his face in his hands.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Tony promised, sitting up with his back against the headboard and pulling Joel into his lap.

Joel sighed, relaxing against Tony. “I’m being stupid, aren’t I?”

Tony shook his head, kissing Joel. “No. You just need to talk to him. In the morning, when you’re less tired and grumpy.”

Joel nodded, resting his head against Tony’s shoulder. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Tomorrow.”

Tony laughed softly, wrapping his arms around Joel. “Now say it like you mean it.” Joel didn’t reply and Tony sighed. “He knows you’re hiding something from him. And it’s slowly killing you, lying to him everyday. You have to tell him about us, Joel.”

Joel tensed and shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Tony asked, not bothering to keep the frustration from his voice. “Why are you insisting on hiding from everyone. Are…” His voice broke and he took a deep breath before finishing his question. “Are you ashamed of me, of us?”