In Love And Death

Gerard woke to sunlight filtering through hotel room curtains and the feeling of a warm body pressed close to his. He sat bolt upright and threw the blanket off of him.

"Umm... good morning?" Bert said. He was sitting up in the bed, scribbling something nearly unintelligible in his notebook. Gerard smiled, remembering the night before clearly.

"Good morning," he said before leaning in for a quick kiss. "What are you doing, anyway?" he asked, trying to see what Bert was writing.

Bert slammed the notebook shut. "Umm, just writing some lyrics for a new song... or what could become a new song. I'm not really sure... yeah."

Gerard smiled at Bert's awkwardness. "See, you know you've got to show me now," he said as he reached across Bert and grabbed the notebook.

Bert sighed. "Fine, but it's nothing really. Please don't laugh if it sucks." He stood up and pulled on last night's jeans. Gerard eagerly flipped through the notebook, scanning the pages for the new scribbles. He found the page where Bert had left off and started to read.

seemed to stop my breath
my head on your chest
waiting to cave in
from the bottom of my...
hear your voice again
can we dim the sun and wonder where we've been?
maybe you and me-
so kiss me like you did
my heart stopped beating
such a softer sin
I'm melting

Gerard glanced up at Bert, who was rummaging through his bag, attempting to hide his face, which had turned bright crimson. Gerard grinned, loving Bert's bashfulness. "This is beautiful," he said as he climbed out of bed and walked to where Bert was standing, wrapping his arms around his waist. "I'm sorry I interrupted you now."

Bert turned around and pulled Gerard into a real hug. "Thanks," he whispered into Gerard's hair. "I love you."

"Mmm, I love you, too," Gerard replied, hugging Bert tighter.

***********

The next few weeks of the tour flew by for everyone. Bert and Gerard spent almost every free minute together, riding on each other's buses and sharing hotel rooms. It became almost a habit for both bands to hang out after every show, and although Bert and Gerard endured near-endless teasing from their band mates, everyone was glad to see their friends so happy.

On another night like many, they'd played their show and everyone was crammed into the MCR bus, drinking and sharing stories. Bert and Gerard were curled up on the couch, Bert's head resting on Gerard's shoulder.

"I tell ya," Frankie slurred. "I never thought I'd see the day when Gerard was faithful to someone for more than a week." Mikey erupted in giggles.Gerard paled, glancing down at Bert to gauge his reaction. "What's he talking about?" Bert asked, sitting up a little to look at Gerard.

"Yeah... well, I don't exactly have the most pristine track record when it comes to relationships," Gerard replied hesitantly, chosing each word carefully as he tried to explain.

"Hah! That's putting it mildly," Mikey laughed. "How long did you and Frankie last before he found you with that random groupie boy? The kid couldn't have been more then eighteen." Gerard shot Mikey a wide-eyed glare and put his finger over his lips. Mikey's eyes widened as he realized what he'd said. "But, ya know, Gerard's different now. Much more mature and... yeah... so Jeph, you still want to show me that new riff?

"Whoa, hold on a minute," Bert said, sitting up completely. "You and Frankie dated?" He glanced between the two of them, jealousy written all over his face.

"Yeah, baby, but that was a long time ago," Gerard replied, placing a hand on Bert's knee. "It was something that never should have happened."

"Exactly," Frankie added, draining his beer. "We both realized we should have just been friends and we ended it. Don't even sweat it... ancient history and all that."

"Besides, it's obvious Gerard's disgustingly in love with you," Mikey said in an attempt to redeem himself. "I've never seen him this happy before, and I've known him all my life."

"See, baby, nothing to worry about," Gerard smiled, kissing Bert gently.

"Eww, get a fucking room!" Jeph chuckled, throwing a pillow across the bus and hitting them both in the side of the face. Bert broke the kiss and giggled, but he stayed oddly quiet for the rest of the night.

*********

The next day, Bert went to watch MCR play. He could never get enough of how amazing Gerard looked while he was performing. During one of Frankie's solos, Gerard stood next to him, throwing his arm around him and kissing him hard on the lips. Anger surged through Bert's veins, and he slammed his fist
against the nearest wall backstage and stormed back to his bus. Mikey, who had seen Bert standing there, caught Frankie's eye and mouthed 'Oh fuck.'

When the set was finished, Gerard headed straight for The Used's bus. He hated being apart from Bert, even if it was only for the length of a few songs. He practically tackled Bert when he made it to the bus, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him on the forehead. "God, I missed you baby," he said.

"Don't fucking touch me right now," Bert snapped, shoving Gerard away.

Gerard took a step back, stunned. "What's wrong?" he asked shakily.

"Oh, nothing. I went to watch you play today."

"Okay...?" Gerard replied, confused.

"Did you enjoy kissing your ex in front of all those people?"

Gerard let out a small laugh. "Is that what this is about?" He saw the look on his boyfriend's face and immediately stopped.

"Its not fucking funny, Gee!" Bert snapped. "How would you feel if I just started making out with Quinn onstage?"

"Dude, you have! I've seen the pictures!"

"Yeah, well that was before I met you."

Gerard sighed. "Bert, look at me." He placed his hands on the sides of Bert's face and turned his head to face him. "I love you and only you. That kiss was just something that happens in the heat of a performance-part of the act, you know? It was meaningless."

"What the fuck ever, Gerard!" Bert's voice was rising to a level Gerard had only seen previously while he was onstage. He shoved Gerard's hands away. "It'd be different if you-"

"If what, Bert?" Gerard snapped, losing his patience. "If Frankie and I hadn't ever fucked?"

Bert's anger temporarily drained from him as Gerard spoke. His mouth fell open as he tried to think of something to say. Somehow 'yes' didn't seem to be an appropriate answer. "I don't know," he finally managed. "Just... don't do it again."

Gerard was yelling now. "Oh, so now you're telling me what to do? I told you last night that there was nothing between Frankie and me but friendship now. If you don't trust me enough to believe it that it was just part of the show, then-" He paused, dropping his voice. "I don't know," he finished sadly.

"Then what?" Bert asked shakily, tears springing to his eyes.

"I said I don't know. Maybe I just need some time to cool off. I'll call you later," Gerard said before leaving the bus, slamming the door behind him.

Frankie was on his way back to the buses when he saw Gerard storm out of the Used's bus and stalk toward their own. "Gee!" he called, waving. "Gerard, wait a second!" Gerard looked up but kept on walking. Frankie started running to meet him. "Hey, what the hell happened?" he asked when he caught up.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Gerard snapped as he climbed onto the bus, slamming the door in Frankie's face.

Frankie opened the door and followed him in. "Sorry, I don't care what you feel like doing. I think I know what's wrong, and its partly my fault, so start talking."

Gerard rolled his eyes. "Look Frankie, I don't need this shit, okay?" He kicked Mikey's stack of comic books out of a chair and dropped into it, loosening his tie.

"What shit? The last I checked, a concerned best friend wasn't shit." He kneeled in front of Gerard.

"I wasn't talking about you!" Gerard snapped. He rubbed at his temples and closed his eyes, continuing in a calmer voice. "I was referring to Bert wigging out because I kissed you during the show today. What the fuck, man?"

"Can you honestly blame him after last night's conversation?"

"Yes!" Gerard started angrily, then dropping back in the seat with a sigh. "And no... but, it just bothers me that he doesn't trust me. And then I had to go and yell at him and tell him maybe we shouldn't be together. Shit, he's probably over there crying right now."

"Well, maybe you should go apologize."

He first responded with a glare, but realized then that it was really the only thing to do. "No... I don't want to start another fight. I'll just call him tomorrow when we're on the road or something."

"Yeah, you say you don't want to start a fight... but you mean you don't feel like admitting you were wrong yet," Frankie laughed, obviously trying to get at least a smile out of his friend.

"What the fuck ever, Frankie!" Gerard snapped.

"What, now you're biting my head off?" Frankie asked, standing up. "What's going on with you, Gee?"

Gerard stood up. "Nothing!" he screamed. "Nothing is going on with me, okay? Just leave me the fuck alone!" He stormed off the bus, leaving a stunned and concerned Frankie behind him.

********

Gerard made it back to the bus just as they were getting ready to pull out.

"Dude! Where the hell were you? We were worried," Mikey asked, pulling his brother into a hug.

"Out," Gerard replied shortly. Frankie studied him, a worried expression crossing his face.

"Hey, the concessions people hooked us up with a bunch of free shit. Are you hungry?" he asked.

"No."

"Dude, I haven't seen you eat in like two days. I think you need this more than I do," Mikey said, waving a slice of pizza in front of his brother's face. Gerard took a deep breath. He really didn't feel like yelling at his little brother.

"I'm not hungry," he said quietly as he headed toward the back of the bus. He turned toward Frankie as he reached the curtain. "Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier," he mumbled as he disappeared into the back of the bus.

*******


Gerard tossed and turned in his bunk for several hours. He listened as the bus pulled out and the rest of his band crept to bed and drifted to sleep, one by one. Finally, when he was sure everyone was asleep, he got up, grabbed his cell phone, and headed to the front of the bus. He stared at it for a few minutes before giving in and dialing Bert's number.

"Hello?" Bert answered, his voice sounding stuffy and hoarse.

"Hey, baby," Gerard said. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry!" Bert wailed. Gerard could tell he had started crying. "I didn't mean to yell at you, just please don't be mad at me anymore!"

Gerard's eyes welled up. He really hadn't meant to hurt Bert. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper. I know its got to be hard for you knowing that Frankie and I have a history, but please believe me when I say you have nothing to worry about."

Bert sniffled audibly. "I do. I believe you. Promise you aren't mad anymore?"

"Yes, I promise." He heard Bert yawn into the phone. "What time is it?" he asked.

"Umm, four," Bert replied, yawning again. Gerard could almost hear the grin on his lips when he continued, "Four o'clock in the fuckin' morning."

He laughed a little. "Have you been up all night?"

"No," Bert replied quickly. Too quickly. He was lying.

"Baby, I'm gonna let you go to sleep. I'll see you when we get to Denver, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Bert."

"I love you, too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight baby." Gerard shut his phone and flipped on the TV. Sleep is overrated, he thought as he settled on some old vampire movie. He grabbed his pack of Reds and lit one, hoping he wouldn't wake any of his band mates up. The last thing he needed was for Frankie or Mikey to find out he wasn't eating or sleeping.

********

Bert tapped his foot impatiently as the bus pulled into the venue's parking lot. There was no hotel stop between this show and the previous one, and he'd missed Gerard so much for the past two days he thought he might have been going crazy. He nearly let out a "Whoop!" when he spotted the MCR bus already in the parking lot. When their bus finally stopped, Bert got up immediately and headed out the door, leaving his band mates giggling behind him. He practically ran to Gerard's bus, threw open the door and leaped up
the stairs. What the fuck? Where is everyone? he thought as he saw that the front of the bus was empty. He could hear someone rustling behind the curtain, so he peeked around to see who it was. He stood, frozen in shock at the sight in front of him. Gerard was hunched over in his bunk, a rolled up dollar bill in one hand and a cd case with a line of white powder in the other.

"Gerard, what the fuck are you doing?"