Without You

I extinguished the last reminisce of my cigarette in the ashtray that was next to my body and sat upright on the bed. I looked with almost dead eyes at the black suit that neatly hung on the outside of my closet door. I had worn the suit several times before to premieres and extravagant dinners. Complements were lavished on me when I adorned it but after today, I knew I would much rather burn it.

I would be wearing the suit to Ewan's funereal.

After he stormed out of my house, I tried calling his cell phone but to no avail. I kept getting his voicemail and left a series of desperate messages. I knew that I had fucked up big time but I didn't want my mistake to become the downfall of our relationship. Sometime later, I don't really remember when, I feel asleep on the couch.

During the early morning ours, I was thrust into existence by the sound of my cell phone ringing. Still partly asleep, I mumbled something that resembled the word "hello" and was greeted by the sound of my friend, Nick. Nick was the stunt choreographer for "Star Wars" and we had become very close during the filming. He was also one of the few souls that knew the truth about Ewan and me.

"Hayden? It's Nick. Where are you?" he asked. His voice was shaky. I knew something was terribly wrong.

"I'm at home. What's a matter?"

"I'm at the hospital. There was an accident..."

"Oh my God, are you alright?" I was shot straight up on the couch and was fully pulled into reality by the news.

"I'm fine. I wasn't involved. It was Ewan. He was driving and he was struck head on by a drunk driver" His voice broke. I could hear him sob into the receiver of phone.

"Nick! Is he okay? Is Ewan okay goddammit!?!" I was now screaming into the phone. My heart was pounding, my head spinning. He had to be fine, I just knew it.

"Hayden, Ewan is dead. He was killed on impact" he said barely above a whisper.

All I could do was mutter "no" over and over again. Everything turned dark around me, like someone had just thrown me into a black abyss from which there was no escape. I dropped the phone and collapsed onto the couch. The tears did not just come, they poured from my eyes. I screamed into the cushions as the pain tore threw my body, leaving me raw and exposed. My true love, my first love was gone. He was taken from this world and the last things I said to him were filled with nothing but hate and anger. I honestly am not sure how long I spent crying in that spot.

I slowly lifted myself from my bed and walked over to the closet. My body felt heavy from all the emotions that seemed to form an invisible shield that weighed me down. I tossed aside my shirt and jeans and carefully put on my now despised attire. I could of really cared less what I looked like, it wasn't like if I dressed up in a pretty tux Ewan would suddenly appear. I gave myself a once over in the full-length mirror that was next to my bed. My eyes were red and swollen from the amount of moisture that was continually seeping from them. My curls were messy but Ewan liked them like that. I would have stood there all day if it weren’t for the knock on my door.

Gently, I descended the steps and opened the large wooded door that protected me from the prying eyes of the rest of world. Since Ewan's death, I had most of the world's media camped on my front step. However, my eyes saw the warm faces of Nick and my brother Tove and not the glassy lens of a camera. I embraced both of them tightly and we silently walked to the black limo that was parked on the street. Gray clouds that turned the outside into a gloomy tomb had now eclipsed the sun. I looked straight ahead as the limo lurched forward. I now was going to bury the love of my life.

Some life, some fucking twisted life when something so beautiful was so taken so soon.