Nobody's Home

A/N: This chapter is based on the song When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne.
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!

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I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

-

If there were a God he'd never have taken Mikey away from me. He'd let Mikey stay by my side, right where I need him. And he wouldn't have let me treat Frank like that.

There can't be a God. Don't get me wrong, people who believe can do it best they want. But I can never believe in a God that let things like this happen to people.

I've always been obsessed with death, and the darkness. And I've thought about suicide many times, but never like this. Never like this.

-

I let out a silent sob as I held the item in my hand. I felt the cold steel of the razor between my fingers, and it made me feel so alive. I sat in the tub sobbing for what felt like hours, not really doing anything. I'd read somewhere that it was the easiest clean-up if you killed yourself in the tub.

That's all I would be. An easy clean-up. A life disposed of faster then a dog licks up a fallen piece of meat from the dinner table.

I hadn't written a note, after all, what would I write? I didn't care about anyone on this planet, I just cared about Mikey. And soon I would be with him.

Frank.

That name showed up in my head as I cried. Could I really do this to him? The person who had spent the last five months by my side? Cleaning up my vomit when I tried to O.D?

A sudden knock on the door made me hiss as I accidentally ran the razor across my wrist, creating a small cut on it. Small droplets of blood hit the floor as I tried to adjust myself in the now cold water, so that the fact that I was naked doesn't get too obvious as the knocking on the door gets louder.

"WHAT?" I yelled as I tried to stop the bleeding. God how pathetic I was. I wanted to kill myself by slitting my wrists, but when I get a small cut I tried to mend it? Stupid Gerard.

"Let me in."

An angelic voice that I'd recognize anywhere reached my ears as I closed my eyes to think. Should I let him in, or should I leave him out there?

Before I had the time to do anything Frank tried to open the door. It was locked obviously and once again he speaks his request.

This time the razor ran across my wrist, not by mistake, but with such force I couldn't help it but to hiss loudly. "Fuck!" I said loudly as I could feel my head beginning to lighten. The blood ran down my arm like spilled milk on the floor. The color a deep shade of red, the same red that surrounded Mikey the last time I saw him. I tried to switch hand with the razor, but I couldn't. I didn't have enough strength to do so.

-

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me.

-

The bright light hurt my eyes as I tried to open them. It felt like I was standing on a road, being faced with a car with bright headlights. However I wasn't standing, I was lying.

"Am I dead?" My voice sounded like it hadn't been used for years, or like I had been a smoker for over 100 years. I felt a hand on my forehead, and again I tried to open my eyes.

"No sir, but it was a close call."

That's something you don't want to hear after trying to kill yourself. When you go all the way and slit your wrists, then you don't want to wake up ever again. You want to be released from the darkness you're living in. Imagine the hate that built up inside me as I realized I had been saved. Saved? I hadn't been saved. I had been torn from my relief. The only thing I felt was anger and hate.

-

Turned out it was Frank who found me. Big surprise huh? He stormed the bathroom right after I slit my wrists and he grabbed my and pulled me from the tub apparently. He had wrapped his delicate fingers around the wound on my wrist and screamed for help.

I hated Frank for that, for saving my life, for making me keep on living. In my head I had already planned to kill myself for real as soon as I got out from the hospital. I can't explain the anger I felt as Frank walked in to my room together with my mother and father. I didn't even look at them. I didn't want to look at them, I wanted them to die.

-

"Please honey, talk to me." My mother had gone back to pleading. Oh how I loathed that tone in her voice. I continued to ignore her as she took my hand in hers, stroking it softly. With one swift motion I drew my hand back, hiding it under the covers so she wouldn't try to touch me again. My dad sat on the other side of my bed, his face worn and wrinkly. He looked even older then I had ever seen him.

"Gerard, we can't lose another son."

I didn't reply, what was I supposed to reply to that? 'No dad, it will never happen again' or what? They disgusted me with their presence. With their teary eyes and their trembling lips. Finally Frank opened his mouth to speak, God how I had missed hearing that voice.

"Do you want me to leave?" For the first time since I woke up I looked up from staring at my hands. I met his gaze, if only for a few seconds. Then I slowly shook my head as I returned to staring at my hands. "I want you two to leave." I said motioning towards my mom and dad. It was nothing personal really; I just needed to tell Frank.
-

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

-

When I had finished telling Frank about everything, I didn't dare to look at him. I didn't dare to do anything. Not even wipe away the tears that were spilling from my eyes. This was the first time I had ever spoken to anyone about me and Mikey. About why he killed himself, and about why I was taking it so bad. I was afraid that Frank would leave, that he would tell me I was sick. But I guess deep inside it didn't really matter. I was going to kill myself for real as soon as I got the chance, so maybe it was for the best if he hated me.

Suddenly a tattooed hand came into my line of vision as one of Franks hands fell upon my own. At the slightest touch from him I could feel new tears building up. My heart was screaming with pain, and it just wanted out. And so did I, this was too much for me to bear.

"There's nothing I can say, to make it okay." Finally I dared to look up at him, and instantly his eyes locked with mine. He looked so serious, so determined. "But if you died, I would be alone, and I would miss you more then anything."

"Oh Frankie!" Finally I broke down, and I cried so hard I barely felt his arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. Once again I was crying against his chest, and it felt so good. It hurt, but it felt good at the same time. You know when you want to cry deep inside, but you hold it back for some reason, and then you just let it out? Well if you've ever done that then you'd know how I felt as I sobbed. I cried and whimpered on his shoulder. He didn't say anything; he just let his hands stroke my back softly as I wept.

"Why did he leave me? Why Mikey, God why?" "I don't know." That was all he could reply, because that was the truth. He didn't lie, he was honest. He didn't know why Mikey killed himself, but I did. It was because of me, because I'm such a failure.

"I love him so much!" "I know Gee, I know."

-

For hours I sat there crying in his arms, as he did nothing to stop me. He knew I needed this, he knew I wanted this. And I really did, I had to get it out. The pain I was hiding inside me was to strong, and for now, this was all I could do to make it a little bit better.

-

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

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