Breaking Through

“What makes you think I am playing?” Darren asked quietly, finally freeing his hands from Daniel’s and lifting his bruised wrists up to Daniel’s face, “this is my life, goddamit Daniel, the only thing that pulls us apart is that you don’t love me the way I really am!”

Daniel lowered his head. He didn’t know what to say to that.

Darren smiled. “You just don’t love me that much…”

Daniel wanted to speak but Darren hushed him and continued, “you don’t love me the way I love you… You don’t understand me, and I really do understand you… I see you love me, maybe with all you have, but in reality I am far from the person you love. I am screwed up and troubled and confused but at least I can see you the way you are and I can see you’ll never love me that way… ”

Daniel didn’t realize he was holding Darren’s wrists again. He wanted to shake him up from this madness – of course he loved him, and he understood him… They’ve been friends before they were lovers. What way? What way Darren wanted Daniel to love him?

Darren smiled at Daniel. “Even now you have no idea what I am talking about, do you?”

“You were never any good at explaining yourself, especially when I needed to hear what is going on most,” Daniel replied. Maybe it was true. Maybe Daniel just didn’t know how to love him after all.

There was a long silence. They didn’t look at each other. Then Darren spoke again. “We need to finish this when it’s finished, not half way. This album and another tour. And that’s all.”

Daniel let out a little silent laugh, “Really… I forgot we are saving the band here, not our relationship, that’s right…”

“Stop it! I’ve seen you happy, Daniel, I’ve seen you happy and I’ve seen you miserable. I’ve seen you where you belong and I see you here now and I know I am simply asking you for a favour! I am asking you not to leave me in the middle of all this, let’s wrap it up and you can get on with your life. It’s the only thing still holding us together and we need to end it nicely.”

Daniel wanted to cry. He wanted to weep uncontrollably like Darren had wept in his arms so many times. Why did he agree to this meeting? Why couldn’t he just stay at home for the rest of his life?

“Daniel… you didn’t come here to save our love, either! There is no saving it. We both know it.”


Daniel was back in Elena’s car. She was taking him home. Home was the only thing he could think of at the moment. Another tour? He is fucking out of his mind!


“At least promise you’ll think about it!” Elena said.

“I am thinking about it. You don’t want to hear it,” Daniel replied coldly.

“Why do you make it difficult? It’s not, it’s really simple! You are no longer a couple, you don’t have to do the whole drama thing again and be at each other’s throats all the time! You can finally play music and go from city to city like every other band does! You might even like it now!” Elena sneered, “I even bet it will be nowhere near as tiring…”

“Shut up! Just please shut up!’

Daniel decided he will actually think about it. He’s never been a coward to run away. He just has to get another drink and think it over.

Elena’s phone rang at 7 o’clock in the morning.

“Separate dressing rooms,” Daniel said.

“What?” he had woken her up.

“Darren and I need separate dressing rooms”


He hang up and thought to himself, ‘what have you done, you stupid asshole!’

To be continued.