Freak

Frank's POV.

I refused to cry the whole time I was in the car. I was speeding, but I didn't care. I wanted to put as much distance between us as I could. I needed to get away from Gerard, because I was no good for him. I refused to make him afraid, to make him scared, to make him miserable.

Why the fuck do you think you're making him miserable?

A voice I hadn't heard before whispered deep within my own mind. I shook my head and passed another traffic light.

Why the fuck do I think that? Because I am making him miserable. He's always so tense, always so scared, always so careful. He didn't use to be, he used to say whatever he wanted, do whatever he wanted. Never afraid to make anyone disappointed, always just following his heart. I ruined that, I ruined Gerard.

You're blind, and a coward.

Maybe that was true, but how could it? I wasn't a coward for leaving, I was brave. I was doing the right thing, I was making Gerard whole. I was fixing him. Letting him live his own life, never worrying about me. I could do it, because I refused to be so selfish anymore. Even if it killed me, I could do it. I refused to cry.

You love him.

Of course I fucking love him. He's my Gerard. My fucking Gerard. My Gerard that uses the word 'snog'. He's my Gerard, who smiles goofily from ear to ear when he does something wrong. Of course I fucking love him.

Do you remember, the first time you kissed?

How could I not remember? It was yesterday. Not really, but it feels like it. Yesterday, but somehow still so far away. Maybe it was yesterday? Most likely, it was over six months ago.

He whispered "I want to kiss you". That's why I kissed him. I was willing to wait, for years if I had to, but I didn't need to wait for years, I only needed to wait minutes. I remember, kissing Gerard was better than any sex I had ever had, because he was so special. So magical, so amazing, so kind, so beautiful, so perfect.

Why did you leave?

Because Gerard deserves happiness. He deserves to never worry, to never be afraid. Gerard deserves many things, none of them can I give him. I really can't.


Again I refused to cry, I just blinked violently, as the scenery around me changed quickly. I was still speeding, and it was a miracle I hadn't been stopped. The city lights of New Jersey had disappeared. now there was just small houses and trees around me. Dark forests, small lights, telling me that some people were still up at eleven in the evening. I refused to slow down, even though I should. I couldn't. My mind kept fighting me, telling me things I didn't want to hear. I refused to hear them.


Do you remember, kissing Gerard?

I do remember kissing Gerard. I remember my heartbeat racing, I remember his heartrate picking up, I remember fireworks - just from kissing him. I remember his hands in my hair, my hands on his face. I remember everything about him. His giggle when I licked his ear for the first time. How could I ever forget anything about him?

Why did you leave?

Because it was best for him, because he deserves better. Because I'm selfish.

Does he love you?

Of course he does.

Do you remember the first time he said it?


I had to smile, that was a memory nobody could forget. We had shouted it, I remembered that. I remember Gerard shouting it first, I remember him stomping his foot. I remember me shouting it back, with more force than he had used. I remember us kissing, one amazing kiss. Letting the other know how much emotion there was.

I smiled wider as I thought about what had brought the screaming match on. Gerard's failed attempt to seduce me. It was something I could never forget. Him acting weirdly, smelling weirdly, walking weirdly, and talking weirdly. His attempts were unecessary. I always wanted to jump him, there was no need to seduce me. Everything about him made me want him.

Like what?

His smile. His eyes. His hair. His voice. His body. His lips. His... everything about him. His giggle, his laughter, the way his hands rested on my hips when we made out (or 'snogged') for the first time. How he had been so scared when we were actually going to have sex.

I explained everything, not daring once to scare Gerard. I was so afraid, more afraid than I let on. I had trouble breathing, and my fingers trembled. But for Gerard, I had acted calm. I had showed him true love. I had showed him true pleasure. I had proved to him, that sex could be pleasurable, that it didn't always hurt. I had showed him the fireworks, the fireworks he had wanted to experience for such a long time.

We had cried together, my tears mixing with his. Crying, because we were so perfect.

Why did you leave him?


As the first tear ran down my cheek I slammed the breaks violently.