Breaking Through

Getting back to reality happened so slowly. Still rehearsals for the tour came as a surprise to Daniel. He hardly saw Darren any more. He didn’t know what he’s doing. He didn’t know who he is doing it with. He was living his life and it seemed images of his lover were fading. Some times he’d sit back and think… and then the feeling would overcome him again, but then he’d get busy with something and he’d forget… Soon he would catch himself spending an entire day not even thinking about Darren. The love was slipping out of his fingers. He didn’t know if he wanted to let it go or if he wanted to grab it and hold on to it for as long as he can!


He was driving to their first rehearsal for this last tour. Ironic it’s the same town where they started their first tour and where Daniel before their first big show had assured Darren that he will never leave him.


He didn’t feel like he had lied to him. Not even now. Or especially not now. He was still going to that rehearsal. He still cared. Who’s to blame when you leave someone, when someone leaves you or when life just tears you apart with the same force it has brought you together?


Daniel walked onto the set a few minutes late, he had troubles finding his way around backstage and took his time looking around his dressing room... When he finally got on stage, their little entourage, the band and backing singers gave a small round of applause. Darren turned around to see what is going on and that was when he met Daniel’s eyes the first time in many weeks. They both smiled. Relief. Nobody had a nervous breakdown, nobody died. They didn't run to each other and hug, but they didn't turn away from each other either. They could look at each other and they could smile.


Some times listening to the words Darren was singing made him tremble. Some times they made him shiver. Some times they made him mad. It was still the same Darren singing out those words. It will last for more than 6 month. Day to day. He will hear him sing about their love, about their best and worst times. Every line meant something more than ANYONE could think of. Anyone. Every Darren’s move reminded him of something he used to love. Every Darren’s eyebrow twitch reminded him of something familiar. Every gesture meant more things than an ocean of words. Slowly Daniel became strangely addicted to his bitter sweet memories. He was enjoying it. He hurt and he was eager for more. Memories made him happy and sad and in his mind he returned to their life together and he existed there, he lived his life in these bittersweet memories.


Darren seemed to be different. Off stage he was more often seen with Elena and Richard. When he was on the phone, it was always his mother. When he talked about business, he seemed to be someone who wants to learn, finally. Much to Daniel’s regret or maybe much to Daniel's relief, he didn’t use a lot of make-up any more. Not as much as he used to. He was becoming more of a regular bloke than Daniel had ever seen him to be.


The tour had barely started when Darren broke the rules. He knocked on Daniel’s dressing room doors.

Daniel opened the door and let Darren in, following him with a surprised smile on his face.

“Just wanted to ask how you’re feeling, that’s all…” Darren answered his questioning look.

“That’s sweet Darren, but I am fine, really,’ Daniel answered with a smile. He didn’t know what it was all about. He wasn’t sure he is willing to find out. His memories and his state of mind didn’t need this harsh reality to set in. He looked at Darren and finally, after many years, he didn’t feel his heart breaking. He suddenly realized that every time he had looked at him before, when they were together, he had this enormous pain, this heartbreak, this expectation that everything will fall apart…. It was gone now! He looked at him without panic that Darren might burst in tears any moment. He had never realized how much energy that panic took. He never realized …

“Sorry, what did you say?” Daniel suddenly asked.

“Nothing, I was just watching you!”

“Ok, Darren…” Daniel started.

“… Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound it like that. I am not making a move or anything… I was going to say that I was looking at you and saw a human being in you, a living breathing person…”

“That’s new, huh?” Daniel laughed.

“Not entirely new but certainly something …” Darren stopped and thought, “Let’s say I am very glad to have this human being here with me on this tour!”

Daniel smiled at him. Darren touched him before he was leaving, he let his hand rest on Daniel’s upper arm for about 2 seconds, before he left and closed the door behind him.

“Human being. So finally we both are just human beings” Daniel thought to himself. Loneliness was setting in. He will spend the next 6 month on the road. Without the only driving force that kept him doing it before. Without love.


to be continued...