Slow Motion

chapter thirty seven: The Same Old Mistakes





things return to the relative normality that they had before Jon committed suicide. Spencer and Brendon don't talk about their arguement in the car, Brendon doesn't even talk to Nate about it. They bury it, hide away what happened and go about as best they can.



things are harder for Spencer, a far too chipper woman has become the sales repersentative for Jon and Spencer's old place. She smiles too much as she bustles people around the house, selling lies, saying that a happily married older couple had lived in the house and simply decided to move to a better neighborhood. There are couples that file in and out of the house, holding hands and moving around through Spencer's memories. They survey and they never find out that someone died in the backroom, of the horrible event's that took place in that house.



Six days since Jon's funeral, it's been six days. Today Nate is working his shift at the strip club, Spencer seems to be continually spending his days in the kitchen, cooking near constantly. Ryan is on the couch next to Brendon, reading a book about puppies and asking Brendon to look at the pictures.



"See Brendon? This puppy is white and it's best friends with the brown puppy." Ryan informs Brendon, tugging on the younger boy's shirt sleeve to show him the illustrations in the book. Brendon was impressed with Ryan, the boy's verbal skill's had improved so much, he was still talking like a litttle kid but that stutter was gone.



"I do see Ryan, good job." He ruffles Ryan's messy brown hair, the older boy leaning into the touch, craving more of Brendon's affection. The black haired boy tries not to touch Ryan too much, it tend's to bring back memories, time's when he was more than willing to touch the brown haired boy and Ryan was more than willing to be touched.



"Love you Ry." Brendon says softly, it isn't the first time he's said it, not by a long shot and it won't be the last. Ryan break's into a huge grin and pushes himself at Brendon, clutching at the black haired boy's body.



"Love you Brendon." He chrip's back, burries his adorable little face into Brendon's chest, the younger boy smiling and Spencer watching from the kitchen with his own small smile. They only break apart when Spencer call's them into the kitchen to be his test subject's for the latest batch of cookies that he's made, it's more than apparent that Spencer turns into Betty Crocker when he's depressed.



Brendon's midway through his third cookie when his cell phone ring's. He's expecting Nate, expecting him to say that he's picked up a second shift and he'll be home later than usual, that's what's been happening all this week. Brendon doesn't complain though because it had been his fault that Nate lost that lucrative porno money.



He's expecting Nate but he gets Gabe.



Brendon takes the call back in his bedroom, away from Spencer and Ryan. The boy's actually nervous, he hasn't talked to Gabe since the night Tom died, the night Tyga took the fall for Brendon.



"Hey Gabe."



"Did you run into Travis?" comes the harsh voice of Gabe on the other line.



"I-What?" It's more out of surprise than a lack of understanding.



"Did you or did you not run into fucking, Travis McCoy, Brendon?" Gabe's pissed, Brendon knows that tone from anywhere and it scare's him shitless.



"Yeah, I did...I ran into him at the store a few days ago..." He's about to ask what's wrong, he's about to ask why it matters but he can't because Gabe starts talking again.



"And did you by chance get in a fight with him and make mention of his cousin being in jail?"



"Gabe, what's-"



"Anwser me right fucking now Urie!" Gabe bellows, Brendon flinches and clears his throat, his heart beating wildly in his chest.



"Yeah, I did that too."



Gabe sighs deeply, Brendon can hear him mumbling, can hear the rustle of fabric.



"That was fucking stupid Brendon." Gabe says, his voice coming out distorted and Brendon knows he must have a cigarette between his lips.



"Why Gabe? What happened?" Brendon is worried, is damn worried because he's afraid that he screwed up massively somewhere, that everything they've worked for is going to fall apart.



"Travis called me, claims that Tyga is spouting off some paranoia shit about the cops being against him, the cops framing him. Of course no one believes him. Travis didn't even believe him until you went and ran your stupid little mouth." Gabe nearly growls out, a scary thing considering that Brendon's never really been on the recieving end of his anger.



"I'm sorry." Brendon whispers, he sits on his bed and rests his head in his free hand. "I'm so fucking sorry Gabe."



Gabe takes a long drag off his cigarette before he speaks again, Brendon picturing the older man, white suit and silver smoke spilling from his mouth.



"You're unravling all those huge favors I pulled off for you." Gabe says lowly, fear spikes in Brendon's stomach. He's afraid that he's going to get caught, that he's going to be charged with killing Brent.



"Am I in trouble?" That's an understatement because everyday seems to be trouble for Brendon. Gabe just gives a dark laugh.



"No, you're damn lucky that Ryland pulls a huge amount of weight with the police."



Brendon sighs in relief, at least for right now he gets to live as a free man for another day.



"You're not in trouble with the cops but...you are in trouble with me." Gabe adds, his voice smooth and dark as night, it makes Brendon shiver.



"You're not going to kill me are you?" The black haired boy asks, Gabe laughs.



"You've become fucking paranoid to the max since you've quit the drugs." The older boy says, his voice lighter than it had been moments before. "No, I'm not going to hurt you but lets both be honest here, you owe me big right?"



Brendon hesitates, every favor Gabe's ever done for him cycling through his head. Even Gabe's words from the night they framed Tyga; 'You'll owe me Brendon, bigger than you ever have before.' Brendon shudders at the words.



"I know Gabe, I know I owe you so damn much." Brendon's heart is thumping loudly in his ears, he just wants to know, wants to know what Gabe has in store for him.



"Right, so, I just want to call in that massive favor you owe me." The older boy says, Brendon can hear him taking more drag's off the cigarette.



"What-What do you want me to do?" His voice comes out weak, really with Gabe this favor could literally be anything in the world.



"Do you remember Hayley?" Gabe starts, Brendon tilts his head, mentally scanning for any girl he knows by that name. Gabe must take Brendon's silence as a 'no', because he fill's the younger boy in.



"That fire haired stripper at that strip club I took you to, remember?" He asks again, sounding just the slightest bit annoyed. Now Brendon does remember, back from the first night he had met Nate, that thin pale, red headed stripper that Gabe had fucked.



"Yeah, yeah, but back to the favor?" Brendon asks, he doesn't need Gabe dragging it out, if he has to do something terrible than he wants to know about it.



"She's pregnant." Gabe adds, his voice void of all possible emotion.



"Oh, well, good for her." Brendon's growing confused but he's not going to say anything until Gabe's explained.



"No, not good because I'm the father." The older boy tells the younger. Brendon doesn't mean to gasp, doesn't mean to but he does because wow, that's kind of surprising.



"Not good?" Brendon tries, hand scrubbing over his face, his cell phone growing hot against his ear.



"No, see, I don't want to be a father Brendon. I don't want kids, not to mention that Vicky would have a fucking meltdown if she found out." Gabe's voice grows dark once again, and a sudden ball of dred drops into Brendon's stomach.



"Gabe...is she the favor?"



"You catch on quick Bren."



Shit, that ball of dred in Brendon's stomach proceeds to explode into a million tiny pieces, slicing up his innard's and making him want to puke up all his insides. Brendon's mind is traveling horrible places, places you only see or read about in crime drama's or see on the news.



"What..." Brendon can barely continue. "What do you want me to do to her?"



That same dark laugh of Gabe's.



"Take her out Brendon...kill her for me." Gabe says it again with that lack of emotion. It was just as bad as Brendon had feared, maybe even worse, definitly worse. He can't he cannot kill that girl.



"Gabe, I-"



"Don't even act like you're not capable of doing it Brendon." Gabe starts, his voice growing defensive. "Remember Brent? You're perfectly capable of killing."



Brendon shakes his head hard, despite the fact that Gabe can't see him. "No, no, I'm not a murderer, I'm not. Brent was an accident." The reasoning is weak even to Brendon but damn it! It's the truth. Brent's murder was a result of the drugs, of the heat and the frustration all mixed into one, it was an impulse, one that Brendon never wants to have again, one that he hasn't had since that night.



"Anyway you try to play it off Brendon, you still killed someone. Once is the hard part, so, what's just one more?"



"This...this is someone's life...and not just her's but a baby...I can't Gabe."



"Brendon, you owe me remember?"



He does remember, he knows that but at the same time he knows that he's not going to do it, he can't. No matter what Gabe end's up doing to him he cannot kill that stripper.



"I know Gabe and I'll do anything else, anything but I won't kill anyone else...I won't." Brendon's trying to be sure about this, trying to hold steady and be firm with the older boy. No matter how much Gabe scares him. There's a deep sigh on the other line.



"I'm incredibly disappointed in you Brendon." Gabe says, he sound's pissed once again. "But I'll call you again when I want to call in that favor...and Brendon?"



"Yeah Gabe?" Brendon's voice comes out weak, obviously scared.



"Next time you won't say no." Gabe says with an air of finality as he hangs up the phone.



Brendon collapses back on his bed, phone loose in his hand. He closes his eyes as he realizes that he's gotten himself in too deep and no matter how good he wants to believe he is now, he'll still have to make up for his past mistakes.



Five minutes later Brendon's cell phone rings once again, the boy is sure that it's Gabe, that he's thought of a new way for Brendon to fufill his favor. It's not Gabe though and Brendon's heart unclenches, it's Nate.



"Hey, babe."



"Hi, Bren." Brendon can barely hear his boyfriend over the constant thumping of the music over the loudspeakers, the club must be busy tonight.



"What's up?" Brendon asks, he wants Nate to say that he's coming home, wants to be comforted by his beautiful boyfriend. Again the steady thump, thump, thump, over the line.



"Nothing, I just, I wanted to tell you that I picked up another shift." comes Nate's tinny voice through the phone line. Brendon can't stop the sigh that slips through his lips.



"Again? That's the third time this week." Brendon half whines, Nate sighs as well.



"I know, I'm sorry baby, I just...the money's good you know?" He says and Brendon does know.



"Yeah, I know."



"Don't worry Brendon, I'll be home as soon as I can."



"Alright," Brendon hopes that he doesn't sound as crushingly disappointed as he feels. "I love you." Brendon adds and again he's treated to the thumping of the techno music.



"I feel the same, you know that." Brendon frowns, that's how Nate's taken to saying 'I love you' while he's at work. It wasn't annoying at first but now...well, now it was.



"Yeah, bye Nate."



"Bye babe." Nate says as he hangs up, leaving Brendon with a dead line.



If he were a more suspicious person he'd think that Nate was cheating on him, the warning signs were all there. Working late, the lack of affection over the phone line. Maybe Nate found someone new at the club? Someone who didn't have such outstanding problems.



Brendon leaves his room, hampered by his own depressing thoughts. Spencer and Ryan are still in the kitchen, taste testing the cookies.



"Nate's working late again." Brendon informs the youngest boy as he sets his cell phone down on the kitchen table. Spencer pulls a face.



"Think I should make him something? He'll probably be hungry." Spencer states and Brendon's eyes light up, those simple words, they spark something inside Brendon, an idea.



"We should take him food." Brendon finds himself saying, it's a haphazard plan but Brendon's going along with it. Telling himself that he only wants to make sure that Nate's eating something but really, really he wants to go and make sure that the other boy isn't fucking around on him.



So, that's how Brendon, Spencer, and Ryan end up piled in Brendon's car. Brendon and Spencer in the front seat and Ryan laying sprawled out in the back. Brendon drives the long drive to the desert street, past the dusty path of land where Tom was killed, out to the nothingness of the desert like land, all the way to the glowing sign that read's 'Pinky's'.



Nate's car is parked in the tiny, dusty, parking lot. At least he wasn't lying about that. The tiny, dusty square is full of cars, they were busy tonight. Brendon park's the car, looking over at Spencer and taking the small lunch that Spencer had made for Nate.



"I'm just going to run in and give it to him." Brendon tells the other boy, Spencer nods while Ryan has taken to bouncing around calling Nate's name over and over again. If they break up it will undoubtedly be hard for Ryan.



Brendon leaves the car and heads inside the smoke filled club. The black haired boy surpasses all the stages, lit neon with their young dancers in various stages of undress. He heads straight to the black countered bar, the spot where he first met Nate. He doesn't realize that he's chanting a mantra in his head. A mantra of 'Please let Nate be here, Please let him be here, Please.' He stop's infront of the bar, not his young short boyfriend standing there before him but a guy with curly, sandy blond hair and some tattoos on his arm. His nametag read's the name 'Sisky', Brendon hopes for this guys' sake that it's a nickname.



"What can I get for you?" He asks, elbows coming up on the counter and he's grinning.



"No, nothing for me...I'm-I'm looking for Nate." Brendon hollers out, straining to be heard over the music. Sisky eyes Brendon.



"Are you Brendon?" He asks, the other boy nods.



"Do you know where he's at?" By now Brendon's insides are on fire, Nate lied, that's all he can think about. How Nate lied. The guy named Sisky nods, jerk's his thumb back toward's where Gabe had taken them before, back to where the girl's change.



Brendon's gone before Sisky can say another word. He's pushing past people who are watching the dances, none of it matters, all that matters is what the hell Nate's doing back in this room. Brendon makes it to the door, pulls it open and thanks whoever was stupid enough to leave it unlocked.



Inside the room there are girl's changing, he ignores them, his brown eyes scanning for any sign of a guy among the girl's. Nate's no where to be found in the backroom, there's only two other way's out of here, the door that leads back out into the parking lot, the door that William and Brendon had taken the night Brendon met Nate and the set of stairs that lead to an upper floor. The floor where Gabe goes to have fun. Brendon pray's that Nate isn't up in that room.



He pushes under the velvet rope that blocks off the stairs. He's dashing up them, taking two at a time and threatening to slip and slam his knees against the hard, shiny black material. Brendon stops at the top of the stairs, the upstairs floor of the room spread out for him. It's dark up here and there are numerous bed's lining the walls, bed's where no doubt the strippers entertain their guests.



Brendon doesn't have to look for Nate because he's right there, sitting on the bed closest to the stairs, the pale body of a girl in his arms. Again time is running in slow motion for Brendon. Nate has his arms wrapped around the girl, holding her close to him, his hands, hands that Brendon are so familar with, are pressed on her back. The girl's face is pressed into the crook of Nate's neck.



He figures that it could be worse, they could be kissing or fucking, it could be worse.



"Nate..." Brendon's voice slips out softly but Nate must hear it. He pulls away from the girl, soft brown eyes confused and then slipping to terrified. "Looks like you're working really fucking hard Nate!" Brendon spits out, he throws the box of food down, it hits hard against the floor and spills out, Spencer's hard work going to waste but fuck it, Brendon doesn't care.



Brendon doesn't wait for Nate to say anything, just turns and flees down the stairs, away from his cheating boyfriend. Nate is running after him, calling out for him but Brendon won't stop. He pushes through the crowds of people in the club, through the hot crush of aroused men, the thumping music, pushes until he can't hear Nate, until he's out in the cool air of the parking lot.



The black haired boy rushes to the car, hops in and puts the vechical in reverse. Nate's only just made his way out of the clubs door, is standing stock still under the lights, watching as Brendon pulls away. He drives quick and in silence, can't quite bring himself to tell Spencer what happened, can't quite bring himself to look at Nate's disappearing form in the rearview mirror.



He's pissed at himself because he thought he had picked a good guy, he had thought he had done better than Pete but it turned out that he hadn't, that Nate was the same. Tears pricked sharp at Brendon's eyes but he refused to cry, no, Nate didn't deserve to know that he had reduced Brendon to crying.



Brendon speeds through a stop sign and that's when Spencer decides to speak.



"Bren, Brendon, are you alright?" The younger boy asks. Brendon glances over at Spencer, brown eyes hard. He still doesn't think he can voice what happened, if he tells someone then it makes it real, it means that it really happened and that means that Brendon has lost that comfort, that comfort he so badly needs in his life. The boy turns away from Spencer, staring back at the road.



"What happened Bren? Nate was.." Spencer trails off because Brendon turns his hard gaze back to the younger boy.



"He was upstairs...with a stripper." Brendon leaves it at that, lets Spencer put it all together for himself. The blue eyed boy looks away from Brendon, realiziation striking him and he glances back up, face and eyes so soft. Maybe he's just as upset about this because Nate and Brendon had been something like a family to the previously broken boy.



"I'm sorry Brendon...I-I can't believe he did that to you."



"Yeah." Brendon doesn't know what else to say, his brain is fried and he's pissed, he's so pissed because he loves Nate more than he's ever loved anyone. He chose Nate over Pete, he chose Nate over drugs for god sakes and this is what the other boy does? Lies about working extra shifts so he can fuck a stripper.



"Brendon, where's Nate?" Comes Ryan's voice from the backseat. Brendon can see Ryan peering at him with big owlish eyes through the rearview mirror. He has no idea what to say. Luckily, he gets a few moments to think about it because his cell phone starts ringing, blaring out a song that Brendon's long since stopped liking.



He fishes it out of his pocket and is not surprised to find that it's Nate. He briefly contemplates anwsering but the images of Nate holding that girl so close, so intimate and loving that it makes his stomach ache...maybe that's just his heart breaking, he can't be sure. Brendon drops the phone like it's burning him. It continues to ring on and off for the next ten minutes, flashing from it's spot on the floorboard of the car.



"Spence, will you turn it off for me?" Brendon asks during the phones twelfth ringing session. Spencer just nods and slips down, grabbing up the phone and turning it off. They're almost home now and Brendon wonders if Nate will come to the house tonight? Or if the boy will just go back to his own place? Brendon honestly doesn't know which outcome he would perfer.



They get back to the house, Brendon instantly going to his room, leaving Spencer and Ryan alone. He collaspes on his bed and thinks about Nate, he listens to Spencer cook some more, he listens to Ryan's cartoons and to the empty sound of his own beating heart, how it sounds all wrong without Nate's heart there to accompany it.



A few hours pass and Brendon knows that Nate's second shift is ending in ten minutes, he knows because he hasn't been able to tear himself away from the clock. He hasn't turned his cell back on since Spencer turned it off, hasn't checked any of the messages, doesn't want to hear the sound of Nate's voice.



There's footsteps and he looks away from the clock to find Spencer standing in his doorway, big blue heavy eyes focused on Brendon.



"Are you alright Bren?" His voice is just as heavy as his eyes.



"Don't know." Brendon sits up and shrugs, looking at Spencer's socked feet. There's a soft sigh and Brendon looks up at Spencer, see's the confliction etched there. He looks like he wants to help Brendon but doesn't know how, doesn't think he can.



"I'll just leave you alone." Spencer says softly, reverting back to what must've worked with Jon. He turns and starts to head out of the room.



"No, Spencer." Brendon says, his voice coming out with a hint of urgency. His hand is stretched out like, he's trying to reach out for the other boy. Spencer stops and glances back at the black haired boy. Brendon allows his hand to drop into his lap as he looks at Spencer. "I don't want to be alone."



Spencer doesn't say anything but he does venture a seat on the end of Brendon's bed. There's a sort of comfortable silence between them, one where Brendon doesn't want to admit that he's really quite terrified of being alone right now. He doesn't want to go back to just him and Ryan, he need's someone, need's Spencer with him.



"Thanks for staying Spence." Brendon whispers, looks at the other boy through his lashes. Spencer shrugs, folds his hands in his lap like, he doesn't know what to do with them.



"You always helped me Bren, it's time I do the same right?"



Brendon nods, ducks his head and won't admit to the sparking of tears in the corners of his brown eyes.



"Wanna talk about it?" Spencer is asking. Brendon wants to shake his head and nod at the same time. He wants to keep quiet and spill everything to Spencer. He doesn't even know where to begin, to fathom that he lost Nate, he can't imagine it.



"It's just that...I thought he was a good guy. Not like the others.." Others, the others like Pete and Ryan, people who couldn't stick with one person. "Maybe it's my own fault...for making him quit his job...for having so many problems."



"No, Bren, no." Spencer's soft voice drifts around Brendon, his warm hand finds Brendon's shoulder. "You shouldn't blame yourself. People cheat because of their own problems, not because their partners." This conversation sort of sounds like it should be the other way around.



Brendon meets Spencer's eyes, he can't hold it back anymore. He's crying.



"I loved him. I love him." Brendon doesn't know which one to use, which one he wants to use. Sure, he's made mistakes too but god, he gave up so much for the boy that Nate just couldn't resist sleeping with someone who wasn't Brendon?



Now Spencer's hand is on Brendon's face.



"I know and if he can't realize how damn lucky he is to have that...well, then he's an idiot."



Brendon doesn't know when he and Spencer had moved so close to one another. They're mere inches apart. Spencer smells sweet, like cookie dough and his hand is so, so warm. He's smiling too, soft and concerned and Brendon's only human. He's hurt and he's human and Spencer is so, warm and soft and loving.



Brendon cannot stop himself from kissing Spencer.