Slow Motion

A/N: I feel the need to note that Slow Motion is nearing it's ending. Sad, I know and I don't know exactly when it will wrap up but just thought I'd give a heads up. Oh, and it's after midnight so it's technically my birthday.





chapter thirty-nine: i love the mayhem more than the love





Nate didn't come to Brendon's place last night. He didn't come by in the morning either. Which, really, Brendon is sort of thankful for because he and Spencer don't wake up until almost ten in the morning, naked and wrapped around one another. Nothing feels different in the morning, Brendon's still pissed about Nate and what the boy did, he's still glad that he did what he did last night.



Brendon lets Spencer sleep and he takes a shower, coming out to find the younger boy asleep still. He pads down the wooden hallway intent on checking on Ryan. The door to Ryan's room is cracked open, the lithe boy snuggled down in his bed, holding the stupid, obnoxiously pink, stuffed monkey that Brendon once won at a carnival for Ryan. Ryan's smiling in his sleep, dreaming of god knows what and Brendon smiles too.



The smile quickly fades as he thinks of Nate, a faint burn of anger sliding around his stomach. He doesn't understand how Nate could do it and with a girl no less. He sighs and presses a hand through his damp black hair. He doesn't want to confront the problem but he still thinks he should find and check his cell phone.



He finds it on the kitchen table, resting his hip against the wooden table as he turns it on. His voicemail is full and he has about a bizillion text messages, all from Nate.



Brendon can faintly hear water running from the back of the house, Spencer must be taking a shower. Brendon frowns at his phone and hits a button to play the first of the thirty something messages. The black haired boy never does hear any of the messages because there's a sudden knocking on the front door. Brendon snaps his phone shut and narrows his deep brown eyes, there can only be one person here.



It's probably him, Nate's probably here to apologize to Brendon. Sure enough, he can see Nate's red and black sports car out infront of the house. Brendon scratches a hand across his pale stomach, leaving little white marks in their wake. He contemplates not anwsering the door but Nate's pounding is persistent and Brendon doesn't want Ryan to wake up so, he does anwser.



Nate is standing out on the porch, wearing the same clothes as last night. His dark hair is deshevled and he has heavy bags under his eyes, his usually handsome face is pulled down into a deep frown. His eyes are what bother Brendon the most, those brown eyes are holding such intense pain in them. Nate lowers his hand that he was knocking on the door with and stares at Brendon.



"Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?" Brendon spits out, venom lacing his voice. The boy looks so taken aback by the anger in Brendon's voice, he doesn't think that he should because hello, Nate fucking cheated on him.



"Didn't you listen to my messages?" Nate asks, Brendon shakes his head.



"Had my phone off all night." It takes every ounce of Brendon's willpower to not add 'Just like I fucked Spencer all night.'



"Oh," Is all Nate says, his back is hunched and his head is drooped. Brendon will not be suckered by this act, he's seen Pete's guilty kid routine one too many times to not notice it now. "Do you think I can come in Brendon?" Nate asks, lifts his head and peers at Brendon with those fucking puppy dog eyes.



"Why, so you can make excuses for why you fucked that girl last night?" Brendon seethes out, Nate's face slackens and he shakes his head.



"Please, just let me come in and I'll tell you what happened. I won't give you an excuse, I'll tell you the truth." He's pleading and even though Brendon knows he should just slam the door in Nate's face, should just turn away and not even give him the grace of listening to the boy, his mind is replaying when Brendon told Nate about the drugs and how Nate just stuck with him.



He lets Nate in.



Brendon closes the door behind his boyfriend..ex-boyfriend..he isn't sure which one to classifie Nate as. He rests his hands on his hips as he waits to hear this so called explanation. "So, what happened Nate?" Brendon asks, his voice has lost some of it's snark but it's still dark, still colored angry.



Nate runs his hand up and down his arm, a nervous habit. He's drinking in Brendon's form or maybe he's just thinking of something to say.



"I didn't sleep with her." The shorter boy says. Brendon rolls his warm brown eyes.



"Sure."



"I didn't Brendon! I was comforting her!"



"What with your penis?" Brendon spits out. Nate is looking desperate, desperate for Brendon to believe.



"No, Brendon. Look-" Nate starts but Brendon shakes his head, cuts him off.



"Was it my fault Nate? Was it something I did? Was it because of all my problems..or because I made you quit your porn job? Is that why?" Brendon's just desperate for anwsers and not excuses, he wants to know, even if it is his fault.



"What? No, no, look, a few days ago one of the girls came up to me and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was pregnant." Nate's saying, eyes wide and staring holes into Brendon. Brendon's heart sinks to his feet, cracking instantly. Nate looks like he's expecting Brendon to interrupt again but he doesn't so Nate continues.



"She told me that she's scared..that she's in trouble and she needed help. She didn't have anyone else to go to Brendon! That's the reason I've been staying late at work...I've been trying to help her. So, when you found me last night I had just given her a bus ticket...so, she could leave this place and start over again. She was just hugging me because she was grateful Brendon, that's all."



Nate is staring at Brendon again, those big brown eyes and again he's so damn desperate, silently pleading for Brendon to believe him.



Shit, that's all Brendon can think. Shit, this is all turning to shit right infront of him. Nate's story makes sense and Brendon might not be tempted to believe his boyfriend if it weren't for that phone call he had gotten from Gabe.



"What was her name?" Brendon whispers, his voice is so low and his heart is frozen.



"What?" Nate sounds confused, Brendon doesn't blame him.



"The pregnant girl...what's her name?"



"Hayley, her name is Hayley, Brendon. But I swear, nothing happened. Please, you have to believe me."



Nate's talking but Brendon can't focus on the words. He was right, it was Hayley. Hayley, the fire haired stripper that Gabe occasionally slept with, the stripper who was having Gabe's child, the girl that Gabe asked Brendon to kill. Nate was telling the truth, he had to b because it all added up. Brendon had made a mistake, jumped to a conclusion and had done something so fucked up.



"Brendon? Are you alright? You believe me right? You know I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you, I would never do that Brendon." Nate has slid closer to Brendon, the shorter boy reaches out with nervous hands and places one on Brendon's shoulder. Maybe he's afraid that Brendon will shake off his touch but Brendon can't. He's rooted to the floor, looking dazed.



"I love you Brendon." He says softly, his voice sounds so hurt and it kind of kills Brendon. He fucked up, it wasn't Nate, Nate wasn't the one who had made the terrible mistake...it wasn't Nate, it was Brendon.



The taller boy comes back to his senses and he looks down at his significantly shorter boyfriend. His mind is racing, high speed thoughts about last night.



"I..I love you too." Brendon replies, brings his hand up to rest on Nate's shoulder, squeezing lightly. Nate's own hands come up to rest on Brendon's bare back, fingers skritching on the pale skin. Nate's got the top of his head pressed up under Brendon's jaw, just like Spencer had been last night and despite them being fine, despite Brendon and Nate seemingly being alright again, Brendon knows that they're not, they're not because of what he had done with Spencer.



The sound of wet footsteps against the hardwood floors echoes around the hallway. Brendon freezes under Nate's touch because fuck, fuck, it's Spencer.



"Brendon?" Spencer's light voice issues from behind the two boys. Brendon manages to slide away from Nate, turns though his hand is still lingering on Nate's shoulder. Spencer must've just gotten out of the shower, he's naked except for a white towel wrapped low on his waist. The blue eyed boy's hair is dripping and falling in his face, his eye searching for some kind of explanation.



"Spencer, Brendon and I made up. Isn't that great?" Nate asks, smiling up at Brendon. The dripping boy nods, slow, his eyes slinking from Nate to Brendon and it's almost like Brendon can read his mind. He knows that Spencer is wondering why in god's name Brendon would take the cheating Nate back, Spencer doesn't know about Hayley, doesn't know about Gabe or his proposition.



"I-um...yeah." Spencer stammers out, he turns but not before Brendon can plainly see the pain etched on to his face. Pain caused by Brendon because Spencer gave Brendon a part of him that people just don't get to see, a part that Spencer trusted him with and he probably had thoughts, thoughts that he and Brendon could be a couple just like Nate and Brendon had been, better even and now that was all dashed. "I'm gonna go change now." He says quickly, rushes back to the bathroom to put some clothes on.



"So, we're okay right?" Brendon hears Nate ask, he doesn't seem to notice Spencer's pain or if he did then he probably chalked it up to the boy missing Jon. The smaller boy's hand slides up to cup Brendon's jaw, the bigger boy looking down at his small boyfriend. Nate didn't do anything wrong, there was no reason for them not to be okay but despite that, Brendon had a deep nagging feeling snaking through is skin.



"Yeah, we're fine baby." Brendon says, he's distracted but Nate doesn't seem to notice, moving up and planting a kiss on Brendon's unresponsive lips. "I'm just gonna..go check on Spencer alright?" He says, his eyes leaving the spot where Spencer had been moments before and drifting to Nate's face. The other boy just smiles small and nods and Brendon can see him glancing towards Ryan's bedroom.



Brendon leaves Nate and tries not to look like he's racing to Spencer, to fix things before they have the chance to break again. "Spencer?" Brendon knocks lightly on the bathroom door, not waiting for a response before he pushes it open. Spencer's standing there with his jeans on and his t-shirt in his hands. He stares up at Brendon with slightly hard eyes, eyes that Brendon hasn't seen since their argument about Ryan.



"Can I talk to you?" Brendon asks, Spencer searches Brendon's face before he sighs and nods, tugging th t-shirt over his head and covering all that beautiful marred skin. Brendon enters the bathroom and pushes the door closed behind him. "Look, Spence-"



"What? You're just going to take him back after he hurt you like that?" Spencer hisses out, apparently his mind had been working on the chain of events that led to this moment.



"No, I'm an idiot. Nate didn't do anything wrong...it was a misunderstanding." Brendon tries to word it so that Spencer understands, juding by the look on his face, Brendon knows that he doesn't.



"What kind of misunderstanding?"



"He was helping one of the strippers get away. She's pregnant and he was helping her start over."



Spencer rolls his eyes. "How do you know that? How do you know he's not lying?" Spencer is acting overly defensive and Brendon can't help but wonder if Spencer's projecting Jon's shortcomings on to Brendon and Nate's relationship.



"Because I know her..and I know the guy who got her pregnant." Spencer doesn't seem to have a response to this, he just stands there staring at the floor and pointedly avoiding Brendon's searching gaze.



"So, he didn't cheat on you?" The other boys voice was so light and soft, wounded and echoing, just how it sounded last night. Brendon is frowning, hating himself.



"No, like I said, I'm an idiot."



Spencer does look up now, he meets Brendon's gaze, eyes masking pain. "What about last night? With me?"



Honestly, this is what Brendon was waiting for, this part of the conversation. The only problem was that now that it was here he had no idea what to say. Nothing is good enough, nothing he could say would be what Spencer would want to hear. Spencer is amazing, cute, sweet and strong, he's a million times better than Brendon is, a million times more than Brendon deserves but Brendon loves Nate.



"I knew it...I knew you would think it was a mistake." Spencer is saying, he's shaking his head and his head is tipped down, eyes locked on the wet towel on the floor.



"Spencer."



"You were hurt Brendon! You were hurting and you used me to ease that pain." Spencer spits out, his voice raises but not enough for anyone outside of this room to be able to hear. "You fucking used me."



"I never said it was a mistake." Brendon counters, he doesn't. It's regretable, that's what it is. It's regretable that he and Spencer had this amazing night together but can't actually be together. It's not Spencer's fault, it's all on Brendon, Brendon was the one who talked him into it, who asked him to stay.



"But you don't want to be with me." Spencer speaks softly and Brendon doesn't know if that's a question or a statement, it comes out sounding a little like both.



"Spencer," Brendon starts and Spencer sighs, like, he's heard this speech before. "You're amazing. You are and you don't deserve someone like me, you deserve so much better than that." Spencer crosses his arms and kind of glares at Brendon. "I'm serious, I'm shit and you need someone whose just as amazing as you."



"You don't get to tell me that." Spencer says, Brendon cocks an eyebrow. "You don't get to compliment me like that, you don't get to make love to me and then tell me that I need someone better." The blue eyed boy hisses out. Brendon doesn't know what to say, what he can say.



"I'm sorry." That's all he can think of and he already knows that it isn't enough.



"Are you going to tell Nate?" Spencer asks, ignoring Brendon's apology.



"I-" Brendon closes his mouth, doesn't know how to anwser that. Nate deserves to know, that's for sure. He deserves to know and Brendon needs to tell him. If he doesn't tell, he'll be just like he thought Nate was, he'll be just like Pete. "Yes. I'm going to tell him." It's not the greatest idea, not by a long shot but it seems that Brendon's mind made itself up.



Spencer too seems surprised by this outcome. But Brendon's sure that yeah, he's going to tell Nate about last night. He's not sure when he's going to tell Nate, every second he hides that truth his body is wracked with guilt. He wonders when he started needing to tell the truth, he guesses that when your life is ruled by lies, the truth eventually becomes special.



"I don't think you should." Spencer says, Brendon's eyes shoot to Spencer's face but the other boy is staring at the floor.



"Why?"



Now Spencer does look up at Brendon, eyes soft and obviously scared. "He'll hate me if you do. He'll never talk to me again." Spencer's voice is spilling out injured and scared and Brendon still hates himself. It's only natural for Spencer to feel this way, he's been hurt and hated so many times that it's only normal that he wouldn't want Nate to feel that way.



"I have to tell him Spence, he deserves to know." Brendon keeps his own voice low, calm, trying to clean up the mess he made. "And I take the entire blame, he won't hate you. I promise." Yeah, Nate might not hate Spencer but Brendon would probably be a different story.



Spencer doesn't seem convinced, he's biting his lip as he wraps his arms around himself. "Spencer," Brendon starts, sliding up close to the younger boy, his hand coming to gently take hold of Spencer's chin, tilting his head up so their eyes meet. Spencer's eyes go heavy and he backs away from The older boys hands, not wanting to be touched, Brendon ignores the movement, already knows that he's probably ruined everything with the other boy. "No matter what happens it isn't your fault." Brendon says, the blue eyed boy nods his head but he won't look at the older boy.



Brendon's left standing there in an awkward silence, he can practically hear his friendship with Spencer crumbling and he'll have to work so much harder now to rebuild what they had. "I think you should go..." Spencer mutters, eyes glued to the floor. "He's waiting for you."



"Right." Brendon's shit, he's complete shit. He still feels like shit when he leaves the bathroom, going back to find Nate sitting in the kitchen, his familar coffee mug sitting infront of him. His eyes light up as he spots Brendon, a slightly tired smile slipping on to his face.



"Is Spencer alright?" He asks, Brendon nods automatically, even though Spencer isn't okay, none of them will be.



"Yeah, are you okay? You look tired." Brendon tells his boyfriend as he leans against the table. Nate nods, smile fading.



"I didn't sleep much, was too worried about calling you all night."



Now he feels worse, last night while Brendon was cheating on Nate, Nate was keeping himself awake and leaving multiple messages on Brendon's phone, Brendon's thinking that he really is the worse kind of person. "I'm sorry." The taller of the two boys says, he moves up behind his sitting boyfriend, his hand finding Nate's shoulder.



Nate leans back into the touch, his head tilting backwards so he can peer up at Brendon with those beautiful brown eyes, eyes that will most likely hate him by the end of this day. Brendon cups Nate's cheek, rough fingers pressing against soft cheeks. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else." The taller boy says, Nate smiles against Brendon's fingers.



"I love you too." Brendon really wants that to last, he doesn't want that love to fade, he doesn't want Nate to hate him but he has to tell, he owes it to both Spencer and Nate. "Do you wanna take a nap with me?" Nate asks, yawning, Brendon feeling every word spoken. He wishes he could, he wishes he could be the type of person who wouldn't feel guilty and could just take a nap with his boyfriend but he isn't so he can't.



"Will you come out to your car with me?" Brendon asks, Nate holds a confused stare but shrugs.



"Sure Bren, why?"



"Just so we can talk." Brendon's avoiding his boyfriend's gaze, doesn't want to reveal his feelings prematurely, doesn't want Nate to see his guilt ridden eyes quite yet. They go out to Nate's car, Brendon catching a glimpse of Spencer standing in the hallway on his way out the door.



"So, what do you wanna talk about?" Nate asks, he turns in his seat and leans back against the window. Brendon's eyes are locked on his jean clad legs, scratches at the rough fabric. "Brendon?" Nate tries to gain his attention when Brendon's been silent for far too long, he must know that somethings up by now.



"I want to tell you something." Brendon half whispers, he raises his gaze to meet Nate's. The smaller boy's face is a blank slate.



"What?" Now he sounds nervous, worried because these conversations always start the same way. Brendon doesn't know how to start, how do you tell the person you love the most that you've done something so terrible? He knows that there's no easy way to do it so he just bites the bullet.



"I did something I shouldn't have." Silence and Brendon knows he has to look up at his boyfriend. Nate's face is still blank but his eyes are full of worry, maybe just as much as Brendon's are of guilt.



"I thought you had cheated on me..I thought you did." Brendon's trying to justify his cheating before he even confesses to it. Nate's having none of it though.



"What'd you do Brendon?" Nate's voice is low, his mind probably going through the possibilites of what his boyfriend could've done. Brendon takes a moment to look at Nate, this would most likely be the last time he saw the smaller boy. This would be the thing to break them.



"I slept with Spencer last night."



Nate's face is blank but Brendon can barely bring himself to look at Nate. The smaller boy moves again, shifts so he's sitting normally in the drivers seat, staring out through the windshield. He's not saying anything but his hands are gripping the steering wheel, knuckles stark white.



"Nate..I'm sorry..I-I was hurting last night."



"So, instead of talking to me like an adult, you go and fuck someone else!" Nate's sharp voice echoes loudly in the confined space of the car. He still won't look at Brendon.



"Well, why didn't you tell me? If you were just helping her..why didn't you tell me that?"



Now Nate has turned his piercing gaze on Brendon and the bigger boy sort of wishes that Nate wouldn't look at him, he doesn't want it if it's like that.



"Don't you fucking dare try to blame this on me! I didn't do anything wrong, you did so, don't try to play it off on me Brendon!" Again, his voice pounds in Brendon's ears but he can't fight back. Everything Nate's saying is the truth.



"I know." He tangles his fingers into the fabric of his jeans, dropping his gaze to the clean floorboards. "It is all my fault. Everything that happened is on me. Not you and not Spencer, so, please don't blame him."



There's a silence where all that can be heard is their breathing, maybe Brendon's heart as it beats wildly out of control. The silence remains until Nate speaks, voice soft and broken.



"Was this the first time?"



"First time for what?"



"That you fucked Spencer!" Nate's yelling again, Brendon's sure he deserves it.



"Yes, it's the first and only time I ever cheated on you..the only time I ever will." Brendon can't believe that he had managed to resist Pete, the one who had such a power over him but he caved to Spencer, Spencer who never really thought it was a good idea in the first place.



Nate is silent again, Brendon can feel him staring at him out of the corner of his deep brown eyes.



"Dammit Brendon!" Nate cries out suddenly, slamming his hands against the hard plastic of the steering wheel. "Why'd you do it? I try so hard..." Nate trails off but he's looking over at Brendon, eyes sparking with tears that are threathing to spill out. "I try so hard to keep us together but it's so hard...I love you and you go and do something like this." A tear does manage to escape, sliding slowly down pale white cheek. Brendon wants to reach out and wipe that tear away.



"I know, I know. I don't deserve someone like you, I never did. I won some kind of cosmic lottery and got you and it was just a matter of time before someone realized that they made a mistake and took you away from me." Brendon's saying, he's looking at Nate and his heart is breaking. He blinks away the tears but it doesn't work. "But I do love you Nate. When I said it earlier, I meant it. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me."



"It's hard to believe that when you were so quick to fuck someone else." Nate sounds broken, Brendon hates himself because he's the one who did it.



"Nate.." Brendon wants to say something that will make it all go away, something that will make it all perfect but there's nothing, there's nothing he can say that will fix this.



"I think you should get out of the car." Nate whispers, Brendon's heart drops a few thousand feet.



"Are...are you breaking up with me?"



"I..I don't know Brendon." Nate is avoiding his gaze but Brendon doesn't even need to see him to know how badly he's hurting, to know that he's feeling the same pain.



"Nate-"



"Go, Brendon!...Please." It's the only thing Brendon can do, he can listen and go just like Nate wants him to. He can go back into the house and have Spencer hate him, he can try not to think about how Nate hates him. He can try to go back to sleep but he knows that it will never come.



He gets out of the car.



Nate's started it up before Brendon even has the door open all the way and he's pulling away as soon as Brendon closes it. Leaving Brendon standing out on the sidewalk, hands clenched tight at his sides, Spencer at his back and his heart taking a nosedive, crashing straight into the pavement.