This Time Around

Oops, somehow I skipped chapter 4. Adding it in here...

Chapter Four

Because of the audition process, I didn't see Colt that often, even though we had moved in together during the summer. A day or two here and there when I was home and he wasn't working, but we were basically on a hiatus until around the middle of November, when the audition process was over. We shared Thanksgiving with his family, which was uncomfortable- for both of us. I could feel the eyes of his family members on me, comparing me to his ex-wife. After a day full of forced smiles and uncomfortable silences, we headed home.

The silence was deafening. I leaned my head against the window and stared off into the vast darkness of the road ahead. Finally, Colt broke the silence.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked, taking my hand and linking his fingers loosely with mine, giving it a squeeze.

I forced a giggle.

"It's nothing." I replied, not returning the squeeze.

"C'mon talk to me, please?"

When I didn't respond, he spoke.

"Paula, there's something I really need to get off my chest." Colt said, then paused. I could tell he was choosing his next words very carefully.

"Ever since season three has started things have been different between us," he said, trailing off. I knew he was hoping I would cut right in, but I chose to remain silent, curious to see where he would take this.

He turned to face me as we stopped at a red light.

"I just feel like, with you and I being so far apart all the time, its harder for us to maintain the relationship we had over the summer. "

I could see where he was going with this.

"Paula, you know I love you. I fell in love with you the minute I saw you, and I don't want to hurt you, but I just feel like...I don't know," he said, stumbling over his words. "I feel like maybe we need a break. I'm not saying we break up, or end our relationship for good, but maybe just try to pick up where we left off after American Idol ends."

I continued to remain silent, allowing what he was saying to sink in.

"Baby, please say something. Whatever you're feeling, just say it, I want to hear it," he said pleadingly.

I furrowed my eyebrows and looked down at our intertwined fingers, trying to decide what it was I was feeling. It was funny; I wasn't upset or remorseful. Not one bit. In fact, I was almost...relieved?

Unlinking my hand from his and placing it in my lap I spoke, doing my best not to let the relief show in my voice. "Yeah, I agree, a break would probably be good for both of us. But, can you do me one favor?"

"Anything."

"I'd like to keep this as low profile as I can, so that the tabloids don't have a field day with us. So you know, immediate friends and family will obviously have to know, but until the press has to be told, I'd just rather them not find out."

"You don't even need to ask me that, of course I wouldn't exploit our breakup in the media. I'm not interested in that at all."

He paused for a minute as he stared intently at the road in front of us.

"Just one question," he said tentatively. "Is anything going on between you and Simon?"

Shit.

"No," I said, trying to sound convincing.

I tried to rationalize it in my mind. There really isn't anything going on right now, I ended it back in September. So technically, I wasn't lying. Right? Right.

~**~

I watched the next day as Colt packed up his things at my house and prepared to leave.

Tears filled my eyes as I realized that despite what he said, this breakup was real, and seemingly final.

Ending, just like the rest. I thought to myself as he loaded the last of the boxes in his Jeep Cherokee.

A single tear trickled down my cheek as he walked over to where I was, preparing to say goodbye. He didn't say a word; he just hugged me as I let the tears fall.

"It's for the best," I finally said, pulling away from him and dabbing my tears on my sleeve.

He nodded in agreement and then pulled me close again.

"I will always love you," he said, "Even if we aren't together anymore, you will always have a special place in my heart."

I sighed as I listened to him speak, wondering if he really meant what he was saying. He let me go and kissed my cheek softly, wishing me the best as he opened the door to his vehicle and turned the car on.

"Goodbye Paula," he said through the window as he backed out of my driveway. Giving him a weak smile and an unenthusiastic wave, I watched him until he was out of sight.

"Goodbye Colt," I said to myself, knowing this time it was forever.

Chapter Five

December and January were lonely months for me. I spent most of my time in seclusion to avoid prying questions about Colt and myself. I just wasn't ready to face them. It began to leak out right around the time the premiere was set to air. Star was the first to publish something, and it snowballed after that. Rumors spread like crazy about why we broke up: he cheated on me, I was getting too serious, he was back with his ex-wife. I laughed at them all. Why couldn't the press just accept we grew apart? I dreaded the upcoming interviews; positive there would questions about the breakup. Luckily, nothing was mentioned, and I escaped unscathed. I thought the hardest part would be avoiding the questions about Colt, but the inquiries about Simon and I were worse. I did my best to hide the hurt and put on the "love him one day/hate him the next" facade, but I was sure everyone could see straight through it, including Simon himself.

The night we were to film Group Ones performances, I was all nerves. Not just because I would be seeing Simon for the first time after four months, even though that played a major part in it, but because I still worried in the back of my mind if this season could top last seasons. Clay and Ruben had definitely raised the bar, and I wondered if there was really anyone this season who could surpass it.

Walking into the studio, Simon was the first person I saw.

Great, I thought to myself. Haven't been here five minutes and I already can't avoid him.

"Hey Simon," I said meekly, nodding as I passed him on the way to see Lori for my pre-show ritual.

"Paula," he said, eyeing me.

I was sure he was wondering about Colt and trying to figure out how I was without asking, but I wasn't offering any information.

I just wanted things to be back to normal. There was a constant battle being waged in my mind, and it continued to wear on me. I wanted Simon, I wanted him so much, but he obviously didn't want me, seeing as how he and Terri were still together and seemingly happy. It was killing me, but after the long break, I was convinced I did the right thing by ending it in Hawaii.

I took my place in the chair beside Simon as Lori began running her fingers through my hair, trying to decide how to style it for tonight's show.

Our eyes met briefly in the mirror, and I gave Simon a forced smile. He winked in response and my heart skipped a beat.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" I asked both Simon and Lori, trying to make conversation.

"Fine," Simon responded with a short, one word answer. I could tell he wasn't in the mood for small talk.

"Oh, mine was wonderful," Lori began, telling me how she and her husband had traveled to Europe during Christmas and New Years.

Simon excused himself and I watched him go converse with Randy and Ryan. I giggled as I watched them, then suddenly became overwhelmed with a feeling of love and pride, for they were truly becoming like family to me.

Lori finished my hair and makeup and I headed to my dressing room to get dressed. I passed the boys, throwing a few playful wisecracks at them as I made my way down the hall.

I entered my room and shut the door behind me. Just as I removed my shirt I heard a knock at the door.

"Just a minute," I said as I scrounged for something to cover me up. Deciding on a thin robe, I quickly put it on as I answered the door.

To my delight, it was Simon who was knocking. He entered quickly and closed the door behind him.

"Hey," I said as I ushered him inside.

"I missed you," he said immediately pulling me into his arms.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and breathed a contented sigh. He held me for what seemed like an eternity, then finally pulled away and lead me to the couch, encouraging me to sit.

"Is it true?" he asked without hesitation.

"Is what true?" I responded, curious if he was talking about Colt.

"You and Colt. "

I nodded.

"Yes, its true." I confirmed quietly. "How did you find out?"

Simon broke into a broad grin.

"Oh come on, love, how did I find out? I picked up a paper! It's everywhere." He said lightly, then grew more serious. "But, I know not to believe the reasons they gave for why you broke up."

"Good," I said, "because they're not true."

"I know," he responded as he put a comforting arm around my shoulders. I leaned into his embrace, grateful to finally have someone to talk to about this.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I'm not okay but I'm dealing with it. It was a long time coming, we had been growing apart for quite some time."

"I probably didn't help with that matter," Simon said.

"No. Well, I mean, I'm not saying you were the reason we broke up. Our jobs are just too much. We can't both be so career oriented and expect to have a good relationship too."

Simon was suddenly very quiet as he nodded with sympathy.

"Paula," he began in a somewhat anxious tone, "Are...are we okay?"

I looked up and found him staring intensely at me with a look of concern on his face.

"Oh Simon, we're more than okay. I didn't realize just how much I missed you until now."

I felt his chest rise as he breathed an apparent sigh of relief.

"After Hawaii I was afraid I'd lost you forever," he said, as he pulled me closer and kissed the side of my head.

His words made my heart swell.

"Oh, you can't do that," I said grinning, "I'm afraid you're stuck with me."

"Good," he said.

He sat there for a minute and then laughed out loud.

"What?" I asked him with a smile, looking into his cheerful brown eyes.

"I never thought I'd be so glad to be stuck with you."

I poked him on his sides, tickling him and listening to his laugh that I adore, until a pounding came on my door.

"10 minutes," I heard a crew member say.

"Well, I should get back," Simon said as he stood and walked to the door, turning around to look at me before he left.

"Friends?" he asked.

"Forever." I responded with a smile and then he was gone.

As I finished dressing, I thought about what he said in New York.

Paula, he said, placing a hand on my right knee. I know I'm not everything you're looking for. But you never know, you might be the one woman to change my mind about the whole marriage thing. Please, just give me a chance. Give me a chance to make you happy.

Oh, he would definitely get a chance. I just had to wait until the timing was right.