Anywhere But Home

"So, you're ok with it?"
"I believe so."
"Everything must come to an end, right?"
"Right. Tell me again, lov-I mean Amber, why it's over."
"I already told you four times."
"I'm trying to let it sink in slowly"

Her gentle hand brushed away a stray tear on my face. Her eyes were dry and hallow. She wasn't real at that moment. That wasn't the broken girl I fell in love with that night on the Avenue. This was a grown woman who finally opened her eyes to the world, realizing that it would always be hard but it would be easier without me.

I wasn't fighting her and still to this day I'm not sure why. She loved another man, I was the first of the two men...I should of fought for her.

She seemed disappointed when I willingly let her pass through the door she had so many other times. This time was different, it was for good. I let my hand shake with goodbyes and just watched her every move as she left.

Her hips swayed side to side much like a boat sailing unsteadily over the bumpy waves of the sea. She gripped her self tightly as she got into the yellow cab that was to take her away. Part of me hoped that she was lying. She didn't really love another man. She was only trying to get me jealous.

She promised me that she didn't cheat. I believed her.

Even if it was all a clever scheme to get me to show interest, it didn't work. Somehow I had managed to get myself stuck in a rut that I couldn't get out of. But, just like I always told myself, if you get something stuck, you can ALWAYS get it unstuck. You just have to go the exact way out, that you came in, only backwards. If that makes any sense to anyone but me.

"Go back to the start Billie." my old friend Mike told me as he fixed his hair in the mirror.
"How?"
"Ok, lemme help. What made you first notice her?"
"Her eyes."
"What made you first attracted to her?"
"The mystery."
"Figure out the rest for yourself. This isn't the kind of problem I can fix. You should of fought for her."
"How? Tell her that I loved her? She already knew that."
"Obviously not well enough. Why didn't you fight for her you moron? Even me, Mr. Unlucky In Love, knows better than to just send it all to hell. It's bullshit if you really think you loved her."
"I did! I do!"
"If that were true, my dear Billie Joe, you would of fought for her."


That was the greatest advice he had ever given me. What I needed was tough love. A good smacking put me right in my place and let the ball start rolling in my mind. I reached down into the blackness of my pocket and pulled out a cigarette. I placed the little seed of death in between my chapped lips while grasping the lighter that was near empty. The lighter sparked and nothing more. I groaned and heaved it angrily towards the cracked concrete. The thing I wanted most at that moment was to water that little seed of death but, just like everything else I want, I couldn't have it.


I could vaguely remember Ambers description of her new love and my new hate. She said she had always known him, or at least it seemed that way. He was the poor sap that was in all of her classes in school but never had the courage to talk to her until I had her. Then it was game on. I tried to recess the bitterness but it kept scratching at my leg, just begging to have attention paid to it.


He sounded like the anti-me. Tall, handsome, muscular, popular, probably tan. The thought of him made me feel ill. I couldn't imagine her with him. Her lying so peacefully in his arms, breathing slowly, calmly waiting for morning to come. I shook all those thoughts away as quickly as I could. I feared I would go entirely insane without Amber's innocence in my life.

"I wonder if they've fucked yet? Stop it Billie! That's none of your business. I bet he'll only fuck her. He won't make love to her. He won't tell her that she's the only reason why he hasn't taken a bullet to the head. He won't carry on long conversations late at night with her, talking about absolutely nothing of any importance yet love it anyway. He doesn't know those spots that make her moan louder than you could ever imagine when you nibble them. I bet he'll never find her G-spot. He'll take her for granted. Just like you did Billie boy."

Already the insanity had begun to make me it's new home. I was arguing with myself mentally. "Oh boy. Next will come those conversations with God out loud."