Certain Tragedy

I swear to God he's stalking me, but I can't prove it. And besides, stalking implies that I don't want the attention, and that he's creepy or something. And I have realized that I actually think that I may like the attention. Plus he's only slightly creepy, and it's more cute than freaky.

He smiles way too much. Like he knows something I don't. Like he's got a really great secret and he's just bursting at the seams to tell it. I don't think that I could ever be with someone who smiles all the time. Like, what is there to be so happy about, anyway? Life sucks, work sucks, school sucks, boys suck. There is nothing in this world that is actually permanent enough to put a smile on my face, that's for sure. But for some reason he always smiles at me, showing every single one of his tiny teeth. He looks like a little boy, and it kind of makes me wonder how old he really is. I can't tell. He's got one of those timeless baby faces that don't give away any sort of age whatsoever. It's almost annoying really.

And it pisses me off that I can't read him. Any other guy, and I could tell you anything about him, right down the kind of cologne he wears, and how he wants me to act in bed. But this guy, I don't know. He doesn't look at me like the other guys do, all glassy-eyed and sleazy, the look that reveals how hard they are eye fucking me at the moment. He just...looks at me. Like you would look at someone you were just simply watching. Someone you were paying attention to, and were observing, like he was some sort of scientist, and I was his lab rat. That's how he made me feel, like he was studying my behaviour for signs of...something. But I didn't exactly know what sort of experiment he was carrying out.

He passed me in the hall. And I couldn't help it. I wanted to see what he was made of. So I accidentally bumped into him and spilled my books. Whoops. Clumsy me.

"Sorry!" he exclaimed, and bent over to help me pick them up. "I didn't mean to run into you! I really should be more careful..." I chose that moment to look up at him, and found myself locked into his stare. His eyes were the most magnificent shade of...there was no real word for the colour. They were green and gold and brown and grey all at the same time. I couldn't decide what to call it, so green being the most dominant colour, I settled on that.

"No, it's my fault, I wasn't paying attention." We stood up together and he handed me what he'd picked up. "Thank you so much uh," I trailed off, holding out my free hand to shake his, making it obvious that I wanted him to tell me his name.

He took my hand in his own, watching it a little too carefully. Enough to make me uncomfortable. "It's Gerard. And it was really no trouble at all," he replied smiling at me. He was still hanging onto my hand, expecting my name in return, I could tell that much.

I didn't give out my name. It wasn't something I did. Scarlett got a lot more play on people's lips. I don't think I'd remember to turn around if someone said my real name.

They say there's always a first time. I never thought there would be a time when I actually wanted to divulge my true identity. Pseudonyms were safer, I always said, especially when you played my game. You avoided a lot of ackwardness if you were impossible to find.

But Gerard.

I watched him watch me. I looked down to our hands still connected, unable to not notice the clammy grasp he had on me.

Then, for some stupid reason, I blurted out my name. Like I had some sort of verbal diharreah that I was unable to control. That didn't usually happen. I was always in control.

But none the less, I saw my hand still shaking his, and heard myself say, "I'm Suki." The name sounded so dumb and dull as it echoed in my ears, and I sloppily retracted my hand. But not before noticing how warm his hand was.

He smiled at me again, like it was a fucking disease or something that he couldn't get rid of.

"Nice to meet you, Suki."

I guess it was extremely contagious, because I smiled back at him too.

"So, sorry again for running into you. It was nice meeting you, Suki." He turned to leave. I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I didn't want to let him go, just like that. They never left me hanging.

"Wait, Gerard!" He stopped walking and turned around expectantly.

"Um, do you want to walk me to class?"

I could almost smell the nervousness coming from him. Was I serious? Was I just fucking with him? I mean, I have to admit, even I was wondering what the hell I was doing. He was really not the type of guy I usually conversed with. But there was just something....

"Uh, sure."

So he walked me to class. And then he walked me to class the next day. And the day after that too.

We were becoming friends. And I don't think either of us had a clue what we were doing.