Without You

The limo pulled in front of a large stone building that had black shudders surrounding its windows. The place seemed to be in pursuant state of mourning, a perfect spot for a funeral home. I was so lost in thought that I barely noticed the limo door open up and my brother grabbing my arm.

"Come on Hayden, its time." he said in a somber tone.

I slid out and heard the familiar noise of clicking cameras all around me. The press, in a fleeting moment of respect, agreed to keep a distance from funeral in exchange for them to be allowed to take pictures of the very famous mourners. Death wasn't even an escape from the ravenous nature of the paparazzi concerning a celebrity. I walked slowly to the entrance with Tove and Nick on either side of me. I'm glad they were there, lending their silent support. Tove had always known the truth about me. When I was 17, he was the first person I came out to. He never judged and offered nothing but love during my difficult confession. And now, he we was walking right by my side, as I was about to give the acting performance of my life.

I had to play Ewan's grieving friend, not his grieving lover.

"Hayden! Over here" I heard a female voice call just about a whisper. I turned to see Natalie Portman standing alone in the corner of the large foyer.

"Hi Natalie. How are you?" I asked as I pulled her tightly in for a hug

"I should be asking you that question. I tried calling you..."

"I wasn't up to talking with anyone, so I unplugged the phone. This is all just too surreal for me."

Natalie pulled back and held my cold hands with hers.

"I know. This has come as a shock to all of us. But Ewan would want us to be strong."

"Oh don't get me that bullshit Natalie! Ewan's dead and he's never coming back. I'll never be able to hear his voice whisper my name or feel arm around my waist. I'll never wake up to see him lying there next to me. He's gone...he's gone..."

I was quickly ushered into a back room as I continued to break down and sob. I didn’t mean to vent on Natalie; after all, she was trying to console me. She sat down on a plush love seat and yanked me down next to her. I put my head on her lap as I cried more tears then I thought I had left all over her lacey black shirt. She stroked her fingers through my hair, just like my mother used to do when I was a child. I felt some kind of warmth and comfort, the first that I had felt since I heard the news. My deep melancholy left me exhausted and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep sometime in between sobs.

"Hayden, sweetie. You have to get up." Natalie's voice pulled me from my slumber. I leaned up and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Is it time for the service?" I asked with trepidation

"No, the service it over. Everyone is going to the cemetery now."

"Wait...what? Why didn't anyone wake me?"

"You look horrible Hayden and you seemed to be enjoying some kind of peace. We all thought it would be better to let you sleep."

I got up from the love seat and walked out of the small, dark room. I noticed Nick and Tove speaking quietly, they were the only two people left in the foyer. Tove saw me standing there and walked over to me.

"I won't bother to ask you how you're feeling"

"Thanks. Tove, is Ewan's body still here?"

"Yes, they are just making the final preparations to transport it. Why?"

"I want to see him."

"Are you sure? I mean..."

"Yes, I'm sure. I need to see him one last time."

"Alright, let's go."

I knew I couldnt leave that place without seeing him one last time. I don't think I would of allowed myself the luxury of living if I made that move. Tove went in ahead of me and spoke to the funeral director about allowing me a few moments of alone time with Ewan's body. I heard the director agree and quickly exist the room. Tove glanced toward my direction, giving me the signal that was now all right to enter. I took a deep breath and walked through the wooden doorframe, that was heavily decorated with elaborate cravings of cherubs.

The first image that greeted me was Ewan's body lying in a gray casket. The gray seemed to match the color of the sky almost seamlessly. I walked up the short aisle to him; my sight became blurred with a fresh set of tears that crept in my eyes. He was dressed in a black suit jacket with a white dress shirt underneath. In a last nod to his Scottish upbringing, he was adorned in a green and red kilt that had belonged to him. I knelt beside the casket and slowly raised my hand to Ewan's face.

Lightly, I grazed the contours of his chin, over his cheeks and circled his nose. I swallowed a hard lump as I lifted my index finger and noticed the swirl of thick power that had gathered over the tip. He looked as though he were asleep, lying next to me in my bed. The tears now made their way down my face as I realized this would be the last time I would ever be touching him. My own voice startled me by breaking the eerie silence that had fallen over the moment.

"I never thought I would have to do this. You weren't supposed to die. I keep thinking about that fucking fight we had. You were right, I was scared. I don't know why now, it all seems so meaningless. Ewan, I have always loved you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't remember a single time in my life that I ever felt so, alive. Now that you're gone, I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again. I'm so sorry, Ewan. I'll never stop loving you."

Before I got up, I leaned over the casket and brushed my lips against his. Once, they were full and warm. Now, his lips were cold and thin. It was our last kiss, the last time we would ever be joined together. I turned around and fell into Tove's arms as they removed Ewan's body for burial.

***3 weeks later***

I sat on a green chair in the middle of my patio. I watched intently as a journalist from "Vanity Fair" sat across from me. She placed a recorder on the table next to us and made a quick scan of her notes before her eyes met mine.

"Thanks Hayden for sitting down with me. I understand it's been a difficult time for you with Ewan McGregor's death."

"You're welcome and yes it has."

"Do you mind if we start the interview with a few questions about him?"

"No, not at all"

"Good. I understand that you two were close off screen. Tell me, how did his death affect you?"

I looked deep into her hazel eyes and a small smile crossed over me face.

"It affected me deeply. Because we were a lot closer than people thought. You see, Ewan was my boyfriend and we were in love with one another."

I took a deep breath and told her the truth about everything.

THE END