The Moon and the Sun

Chapter3


Mana had been tossing and turning in his bed all night, assaulted by long forgotten memories he never thought could still hurt so much. Now it was already early morning and the sun had just appeared replacing the darkness of the night with it's pale light. Mana heard the birds greeting the morning with their happy chirping and it made his already foul mood even worse.

'No use in staying in bed..' he thought to himself and stood up dragging himself to the kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee greeted him upon entering and it was an almost comforting sight to see the familiar form of his housekeeper by the stove preparing breakfast.

"Mana-kun! Ohayo(*)! I didn't expect to see you so early, breakfast is not ready yet." the elderly woman was surprised to see Mana. It wasn't that he was one to sleep in late but he didn't usually get up that early either. It was barely six o clock and unless he had an early shooting which was rather rare, he normally didn't get up before seven.

"Ohayo, Masumi-san. Don't worry about breakfast, I am not hungry. I'll just have a cup of coffee." Mana said pouring himself said cup and sitting down on the breakfast-table.

"Do you have an early appointment today? If I had known I'd have come earlier but no-one informed me." the housekeeper said somewhat upset while speeding up her cooking. She always tried to make everything perfect for Mana and that was not out of fear of getting fired. After working for nearly ten years for the musician their relationship had become more the one of very close relatives, and now she was something like a second mother to him.

"Masumi-san, please sit down and have a cup of coffee with me. I am not going anywhere until 9 o' clock. I just couldn't sleep any longer, and I am really not hungry."

Masumi undid her apron and turned to join her employer at the table. When she took in his appearance her expression became worried. Mana seemed awfully tired, his skin much paler than usual and grey shadows underlining his eyes.

"Mana-kun, aren't you feeling well?" Masumi voiced her concern and placed her hand on Mana's forehead to check for a fever.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me. I just didn't sleep well. Sit down and tell me, how is your daughter doing?" Masumi smiled sadly and sat down. She had a sixteen year old daughter that had been almost her whole life bed-ridden because of a rare illness that made her body fragile like thin glass. Mana had introduced her recently to a famous doctor from the States who promised her that with a new method of therapy the girl would slowly retain her health.

"I don't really see a great difference but the doctor said that it needs time and that we will have to have faith." Masumi sighed.

"I agree with him. You'll see, she will get better soon. He is the best in his field and he surely knows what he is doing. Did you give her my gift? What did she say?"

The opulent housekeeper lightened up in a second. "Oh Mana-kun, you should have seen her face when she unpacked the dress! She put it on right away and didn't want to take it off even when it was time to sleep. She looked like an angel! But she was a little sad that you didn't give it to her yourself and asked me if you would be visiting us soon. She wants to thank you for spending your precious time to make something that beautiful just for her."

"I'm glad she liked it. I'll try to come over sometime within next week." Mana promised. He rarely visited the sick girl because it broke his heart to see her weak and fragile form and worst of all she always seemed to sense it. He didn't want her to think that he was pitying her so he stayed away and sent her various gifts every now and then instead. Mana hated illness like nothing else in the world. It was a concept he couldn't grasp. Why did some people have to get sick when others stayed healthy their whole life through? This just wasn't fair. And it didn't fit in Mana's philosophy.

"Masumi-san, before I forget, I invited someone for dinner. He should arrive around nine." Mana said through his teeth remembering again the cause why this day was particularly bad.

"Is it a business-meeting? Shall I make something fancy?"

"That won't be necessary, something simple will be sufficient. It's just someone I used to work with a long time ago. Nothing important."

Masumi was surprised. Mana rarely invited people for dinner anymore and when he did it was always for a business-meeting. She remembered a time when Mana used to invite his friends over and they cooked together. It had been nice back then to see the big house filled by the laughter of young people having a good time. It had been nice to see Mana so alive. But that was many years ago. Mana had changed drastically 7 years ago becoming more silent and cold as ever. Masumi decided to cook something fancy despite Mana's earlier words.

Mana went mentally through his schedule for the day. He had to be at Midi:Nette around half past nine for a meeting and at noon he had to step by his office in Moi-Memme-Moitie to check if everything was going to his liking. The last few days he had been rather occupied with the promotion of his new album and the shooting of a new PV for Moi Dix Mois and had lost somewhat track of his fashion-label. He would stay there till around 5 in the afternoon when it would be time to go to practice.

---

"Mana-san, are you sure you are alright?" Seth asked making Mana want to cry out in frustration. He had lost count on how many times he had already been asked that question that day. At some point he had settled with the excuse that he was possibly coming down with flu.

"Practice is over for today. See you all tomorrow." Mana announced surprising everyone. He never ended practice earlier and all musicians grabbed the chance and left immediately almost running in fear of him reconsidering.

When everyone was gone he sat down and rested his head on the table in front of him. The whole day through he hadn't been able to concentrate. His mind had involuntarily drifted off constantly.

That was unacceptable.

How could it be that the mere prospect of dining with Camui threw him so completely off?
He considered calling him to tell him that something important had come up and he couldn't make it. But then again, Mana was no coward, had never been - would never be. It was just one lousy dinner. How long would it last? An hour? Two? And then he would be able to forget about Camui's existence again and go on with his life.

Besides there was always the possibility that he wouldn't show up -like back then...


Flashback

Mana was pacing in his living-room, back and forth between the large windows and the telephone. Gackt had told him that he would be there around noon but it was already almost half past 2 and not a sign from him. He didn't even call to say that he would be late or that he wouldn't show up at all. Mana felt like a fool, dressed up in his short, white dress for special occasions and with his flawless make-up he had taken so much time to apply.

And all that for getting stood up.

He just couldn't understand Gackt's behaviour. He had practically invited himself over urging Mana that they had to talk in private and now he didn't show.. Suddenly the phone started ringing and Mana stopped dead in his tracks.

Should he pick it up?

Or should he pretend that he wasn't home still waiting for him?

On the fifth ring Mana picked up but didn't say anything, he just held the device to his ear. After a few seconds he heard a sigh, then the voice he loved so much began to speak.

"Mana...?"

"..(sigh)... I know you are probably angry at me.... "

(silence)

"..I am sorry that I didn't call earlier, something came up..."

"Listen, we have to talk, I have something important to tell you.. "

"..I want to leave the band."

Mana couldn't believe his ears. He had hoped that today was the day Gackt would tell him that he wanted them to start a relationship after all those years they were longing from a distance for each-other and instead he announced that he wanted to leave totally from his life? From Malice Mizer and from him?

"Why?" was all he managed to say, his voice sounding strangely composed in his own ears.

"Because I can't go on like this. With the band, with you.. I need to be myself and as long as I stay I can't do that. I will always be an actor in a role you have invented. I don't want that anymore.."

'A role I invented just for you..' Mana thought, his heart torn to thousand pieces.

"Mana, are you still there?"

He couldn't reply. His world had been blown apart in a few seconds.

"Mana? ... I'm sorry... I can't be what you want..." Gackt's voice was almost a whisper now and Mana wanted to scream at him that he was exactly what he wanted, that the only one he ever wanted was him.. but the words never left his lips.

"..I just can't... Take care of yourself." Then the line was dead.

Mana fell to the floor and cried as hard as he could.

*: ohayo = good morning