Engel(Angel)

It was late afternoon. Rain poured out of the sky like falling dreams. A failed prophecy of the weather was typical, but today it just seemed more relevant. I glanced at the calender on Till's wall, November 10th. We would've been together for nine years today. As happy as I had been for the last five months, I was still scared. I didn't want to be hurt again.

I thought to myself about the years of hell, of pretending I was still in love, and finally, the woman she left me for. I thought back on her humiliating me so many times. She had been so good to me for so long, three years maybe. But after a while, I was falling out of love, and we both knew it. She wanted to keep me with her whether it meant I was happy or completely miserable.

Light snoring came from the beautiful man in bed with me. He grunted and twitched while he slept, unaware of the world around him. Strands of hair were matted on his forehead, it was always very hot in his bedroom. I brushed the hair from his face and gently got out of bed. I unlocked, then opened the window across from his bed. Our bed.

I stood back and just stared at him. He looked so vulnerable, so lovely. I loved this man. I'm in Germany. I haven't spoken to anybody from the States in the seven months I've lived here. I wanted to call my mother. I wanted to call my friends. But it wasn't the time for thoughts like that. I abandoned everything to move to Germany, I wasn't going to make it look like a mistake like everyone tried to convince me it would be.

I climbed back into bed with him. He sighed. "I love you, Till." I whispered out loud.

Looking at the clock, I realized how late it really was. Four thirty in the afternoon. It was dark enough to be six though. We had been up until nine this morning, talking and fucking. Holding me, we'd talk for hours. Holding me down, he'd take me and make me all his over and over. It was meaningful. It was love. And, it was mutual.

I recalled a time when consenting, significant sex wasn't something I had the privilege of having. She would take me, have her way with me, anytime she wanted. Then finally, she left me for another woman. After using me for so long, she left me for something new. Running on empty, I did the best thing I could've done, I left my home of so long and put the miles and pain behind me.

Staring out the window, I was unaware of the rustling behind me. Two arms appeared around my waist, holding me, but startling me.

Softly, he whispered. "Good, morning Angel. We have to finish bringing your stuff here. I want you settled in completely." He lit a joint as he spoke. Puffing on the sweet smelling plant, he continued, "I want you here with me, always..."

I only had a few things left in my small apartment. I hadn't lived there long and I was already saying goodbye to my baby blue walls, my over sized closet and undersized bathroom. But I was happy to be leaving there, moving in with Till was the best thing to happen. It was home for me, more than anywhere else had been. His place was big enough for both of us. Besides, anywhere he was, I wanted to be...

***

Walking down the dimly lit hallway, I could see the door to my soon to be sold apartment. I had already found another tenant in the building who wanted it. The burden was off my back. As I thought about Till waiting for me in the car, I was overwhelmed. Happiness wasn't something I had felt often in my life, and whenever I did, It was short lived. Nothing real, only a cheap thrill. A short fix.

High on green leaves and affection, I turned my key towards the last step before devotion. I noticed an large crack in the swelling wood of the entryway. I thought to myself, "Had that been there before?" I looked up and saw a familiar silhouette by the window.

"How did you find me?"

The harlot responded, "Enough money can find you anybody..." Chuckling, the one I obeyed for so long stepped closer. She inched towards my face, sneering.
I opened my mouth, but before words could escape, she covered it with her hand. Squeezing my jaw, a vicious smile came over her face. "Did you think you could get away?" She screamed, "Is that what you thought, whore?!"

I couldn't fight her, she had always been stronger than me, emotionally and physically. She struck me, first in the cheek bone, then in the temple. I fell to the floor. I tasted blood and the aroma of sweat and ego. Her self-admiration was thick in the air, and the last thing I could see before falling into a black lake, total darkness, was Ashley above me, beaming with accomplishment. Taunting me as I fell away...