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chapter fourty: Alone



Brendon thinks he must stand outside for at least five minutes. He doesn't know what else to do, he's watching the spot just over the horizon, the place where he saw Nate's car dip down and disappear. His body feels hopeless, lost, the last time he felt like this had been when Pete left, left in almost the same way as Nate had.



Brendon only comes back to his senses when he hears his cell phone ringing out from his pocket. He hadn't even realized that he had brought it out to the car with him. For a brief moment, Brendon allows himself to think that it's Nate calling but he knows better and hell, if he didn't feel like shit before, he does now because it's Gabe calling him.



God, Gabe is just about the last person that Brendon wants to talk to right now and if he weren't just on this side of afraid of Gabe, he wouldn't answer. But he does.



"Hey, Gabe." His voice can't even come out pretending to sound happy, or even normal.



"Brendon, good news." Gabe sounds like he doesn't have a care in the damn world, he probably doesn't.



"What would that be?"



Brendon can pratically hear the smile in Gabe's voice.



"I figured out a brand new favor that you can do for me." The older boy says, Brendon opens his mouth to speak but Gabe cuts him off. "And don't worry, you won't have to kill anyone." Gabe sounds like he's in a much better mood than he was the last time they spoke, Brendon's relieved.



"Alright, what is it this time?" Brendon forces his voice to leave his throat, it's hard with the tightness, the unbelieveable need to scream at the top of his lungs.



"Just let me come pick you up and we'll discuss it then." Gabe tells Brendon, the younger boy finds himself nodding even though Gabe can't actually see him.



"Yeah, I'll be waiting outside." Brendon says before he and Gabe hang up. It could be a bad idea to even leave with Gabe, the older man tended to get Brendon in trouble but going back inside, back to Spencer and being alone with his thoughts didn't sound too appealing, at least Gabe would serve as a distraction.



Brendon doesn't turn around the entire time he waits for Gabe. He stands there on the sidewalk, right where Nate left him. He doesn't turn to see if Spencer's watching, or if Ryan's awake yet. In about five minutes time Brendon spots Gabe's car speeding down the street, slightly screeching to a stop infront of Brendon.



Gabe's wearing a huge grin, which Brendon doesn't really know if that's a good thing or not. Gabe leans over and opens Brendon's door from the inside, pushing it open for the younger boy.



"Eager or what?" The older man asks, Brendon slides into the car, holding himself coiled tight, he can't bring himself to relax.



"Or what." Brendon replies, voice soft. Gabe makes a small noise of amusement.



"Why do you look like someone kicked your puppy, kid?" Gabe asks Brendon as he pulls away from the younger boy's house, skimming smoothly along the streets.



"I-" Brendon pushes his calloused fingers through his dark hair. "I'm pretty sure my boyfriend broke up with me today." Gabe throws a pout on his face before he leans over and rufffles Brendon's hair.



"Was that why he was watching you leave with me?" Gabe presses, hand leaving Brendon's head.



"What?" Brendon asks, dares himself to believe that Nate had returned.



"The guy who was standing in your doorway."



Brendon's hopes are dashed because that's not Nate, it's Spencer. He shakes his head, avoids Gabe's face. "Not him..he's sorta the reason for the break-up." Brendon explains, he doesn't want to go through the entire ordeal all over again, once was already too much.



Gabe eyes Brendon but doesn't say anything. They drive in semi-silence for the next three minutes, taking the winding roads that lead back to his place.



"On the phone you said that we'd be discussing the new favor?" Brendon starts, removing his gaze from the window and looking over at the older boy. Gabe looks at him, lips twitching up into a smile.



"Right, of course, if you're so eager to get down to business."



Brendon is, because business means not thinking about Nate. The younger boy nods and looks at Gabe expectantly. Gabe smiles again, a raise of his lips and it's just this side of creepy.



"Okay, my dear Victoria happens to be out of town for a few weeks, visiting her parents or something. And of course we both know that Hayley happens to be unfuckable these days." Gabe throws a mock stern look at Brendon, the younger boy keeps his face carefully blank, it seems that Gabe doesn't know that Hayley left town.



"I'm not really understanding where I come into all this." Brendon supplies, Gabe is a mystery to him. The man's grin widens as he makes a turn, they're close to his house now.



"See, this whole thing has left me very frustrated, sexually of course." Gabe's not watching Brendon, he's paying his attention to the road, or at least he looks like he is.



"So, you want me to find you a new girl to fuck?" Brendon doesn't think that that's such a great idea, he's never been good at picking up girls. They arrive at Gabe's place, pulling into the driveway, Gabe killing the engine but neither of them get out.



"No, I want to fuck you." Gabe's voice is low but Brendon catches every word and they're heavy, like a weight on his shoulders.



"What? But I thought you were-"



"Desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, it's not like you're horrible looking Brendon."



Brendon's mouth just sort of hangs open, no words will come to mind. He never thought Gabe was interested in guys that way, gay above the waist or whatever.



"What about William? I mean wouldn't you rather-"



Gabe seems to predict what Brendon was going to say, he shakes his head.



"Not William, he gets too attached. I need someone who can fuck and not get attached to me. You're perfect."



They're silent, just staring at each other in the confined space of the car. Brendon can't believe that this is the new offer, it's come down to murder or sex. He's not turned on, not at all and fucking is just about the last thing he feels like doing on the day he got dumped. Gabe's still watching him, dark eyes and slight smile. It seems like he's plotted this all out, for every question, every suggestion that Brendon makes, Gabe has an anwser perpaired.



"I-Are you giving me a choice here?" Brendon asks, the air between them is heavy and awkward. Gabe laughs just a little.



"Of course, this isn't rape. But if you don't want to do this, I'll have to think of something new for you to do and I can't promise that it will be any better."



Brendon bites his lip, his mind racing between a million or so ways that this could go. He's feeling uncomfortable with this arrangment but he's more terrified at what else Gabe could come up with.



"I-" There's really nothing stopping him, Nate broke up with him. He has no one to anwser to anymore, no reason to say no.."Throw in some coke and we have a deal." Brendon breathes out, feels his body relax a bit. Gabe grins and nods before opening his car door and practically skipping to his front door.



Brendon sighs and pushes his own heavy door open, follows Gabe's path to the door, the older boy holding the door open for Brendon.



It's no less awkward once they're inside than it was out in the car. Brendon stands, folded in on himself in the living room while Gabe shucks off his black jacket, for once he's wearing something other than white. The older man disappears from Brendon's line of sight, heading into the backrooms, probably to grab the drug that Brendon had requested.



He returns and sure enough, he has the cocaine in hand. Gabe takes a seat on the bright red sofa, pats the spot next to him, motioning for Brendon to sit down. He goes, legs moving slow until he's there and he's sitting and Gabe is passing him the drug.



Brendon snorts it up quickly, eager for the drug to numb everything he's been feeling. Once they've both snorted their drugs, that's when Gabe gets down to business. He's looking at Brendon, a strange gleam in his dark eyes. On Brendon's part, he doesn't really know what to do, he's never had to force it before. Everytime he's kissed someone, he's wanted to do it.



Gabe's the one who starts it. He slides forward quickly, large hands on Brendon's face, wrapping around his neck and pulling the younger boy close. Their lips meet warm and hard, Gabe's tongue sliding out to press at Brendon's bottom lip. He opens his mouth even though he still isn't comfortable with this, he's not enjoying this, even with the drug's help.



Gabe pushes him down on his back on the couch, slides a hand up his shirt, fingers playing over taut creamy skin. Brendon's letting Gabe do all the work, whatever the older man wants. Their kissing increases, Gabe's tongue tangling with Brendon's and it's not like last night, not like when Brendon had kissed Spencer, there's no spark, no passion here.



Gabe tugs on Brendon's shirt until the boy is leaning up, tugging until the shirt is off of him. The older man takes a moment to drink Brendon in, eyes scanning all along the pale frame of his body. Gabe drops his mouth to Brendon's neck, kissing downward. The dark haired man pulls away again, so he can get his own shirt off, press their chests together.



Brendon is trying to enjoy it, focusing on the feel of Gabe's mouth sweeping over his collarbones, down his chest, tounge gliding down his stomach. And maybe he can enjoy it if he doesn't think, doesn't allow himself to think about whose mouth it is, or rather, whose it isn't.



Gabe's hands find the top of Brendon's jeans and he's undoing them. Brendon isn't hard, barely even half and he's not sure how to explain it away, he's not even sure if Gabe will care. The man gets his pants open and snakes a hand inside, rubs at Brendon who still can't get hard. Gabe doesn't say anything, brings his hand out and tugs at Brendon's jeans, gets them down to his knees along with his underwear.



The older man flashes a grin at Brendon before he drops his mouth fluidly over the younger boy's cock. Brendon arches into Gabe, hips pushing up and Gabe just takes him deeper. No matter if Brendon's comfortable with this or not, a blowjob is a blowjob. Brendon grows hard in Gabe's mouth, the dark haired man making pleased noises as he sucks at Brendon, his hands gripping Brendon's thighs.



Gabe pulls off once he's determined that Brendon's hard enough. He's staring at the younger boy's body, a deep hungry look in his eyes.



"I can't believe you've been hiding this away from me." He says, pushing warm rough hands up over Brendon's hard stomach. Brendon doesn't know what to say, he's never really been attracted to Gabe, maybe once a long time ago but not now. Gabe slides back up the length of Brendon's body, the younger boy's cock sliding wet against Gabe's clothed stomach.



They kiss again and Brendon takes some initative, sliding hands down and pulling Gabe's shirt up, they break apart so he can get it off the rest of the way, revealing Gabe's flat tanned stomach. Brendon let's his hands wander against taut muscle, pressing against slightly darkened nipples. The coke must be spreading through his body because that uncomfortable feeling is easing away, being replaced not by a huge want but an okay sort of feeling, just enough to make him okay with this happening.



Their kissing continues, hot and wet and Gabe is really, really good with his tongue. Gabe is undoing his black dress pants, letting them slide down his hips. He breaks away from Brendon, kneeling back, eyes dark with lust.



"I want you to blow me." Gabe commands and Brendon's reminded of the last time he saw Gabe's cock, how it was being shoved down Tyga's throat. But it's part of the favor and if Brendon wants out from owing Gabe, well, then he has to do it. Brendon leans up as Gabe falls back on the couch, he's letting Brendon do the work now. The young dark haired boy, kneeling infront of Gabe, hands sliding into his pants and pulling down, down, down, until Gabe's pants are around his knees.



Brendon pulls Gabe's cock out, rock hard in his warm hand. He closes his brown eyes before he leans forward and flickers his tongue over the hard flesh. He's never been a big fan of giving blowjobs, Pete liked them, Nate liked giving them as did Ryan. Brendon mostly just performs the same things that Pete had liked. Licking around the head, the shaft, closing his mouth around the tip and hollowing his cheeks.



Gabe's groaning under him, hands finding his hair and pushing nimble fingers through the soft strands.



"God, you're good at this Bren...better than Vicky at least." Gabe mutters out, his voice cutting like a knife through Brendon's body. He doesn't want to hear him just like he doesn't want to see him. That makes it real, that means that he really is in this situation.



Brendon bobs along Gabe's thick cock, he's big and Brendon can't take him down all that far but the older boy doesn't seem to mind.



"Bren, Bren, look at me." Gabe tells him, voice low and about a thousand times sexier than ususal. Brendon reluctantly does what Gabe asks, opening his eyes and meeting Gabe's gaze. This makes Gabe groan out loud, his turn on's becoming more than apparent for Brendon.



The younger boy sucked Gabe off for a few moments longer, Gabe's hand on the back of his head like a steady guide until the man's hand tightened in Brendon's hair and he lifted the boy off of his cock.



"I don't want to come yet." He explains, gazing at Brendon's undoubtedly swollen mouth. Brendon licks at his lips and Gabe's breath stutters. His hand slides down to Brendon's wrist, tugging him up the length of his body so that their lips would meet in a wet, wet kiss. "Can I fuck you now?" Gabe whispers against Brendon's lips. The boy is silent for a few beats, what could it hurt now? It's what Gabe wanted all along, it wasn't like he was going to say no.



He can't bring himself to say yes so, he just nods instead. Gabe lets a small smirk play on his lips before he's scrambling all long limbs off the couch, gently pulling Brendon up with him. Brendon toes off his sneakers and gets his jeans off the rest of the way, Gabe doing the same on his part.



They're once again standing in an slight awkward silence, each one waiting for the other to make the first move. Gabe is the one who does it, he's standing by the end of the couch and he motions for Brendon to come to him, Brendon does. He's expecting to be led back to the bedroom, a sickening thought hitting him because that's the same room where Travis raped Ryan, no matter what they cannot fuck in that room.



"I-I don't want to fuck in your bedroom." Brendon says as Gabe's hand finds his wrist. The taller boy smiles down at Brendon.



"I know, I already have a solution." Gabe informs the other boy as he leans down and gives him a quick, almost posessive kiss. Gabe breaks the kiss and the next thing Brendon knows is that he's being turned around, back to Gabe so that he's facing the couch. Brendon feels hands on his back, gently pushing him forward. "Over the couch ok?" He asks, mouth pressing hot against the back of Brendon's neck.



"I-yeah." Brendon finds himself saying, his cock twitching despite himself. Gabe laughs softly from behind Brendon, hands on the other boy's body, helping him get situated.



Brendon ends up bent over the arm of the bright red couch, exposed and open for Gabe. In the back of his mind Brendon is reminded of his brief time as a pornstar, how this seems like a scene out of one of those movies. Gabe's hands palm at his ass, spreading him open wider than he already is. Gabe must've been prepared beforehand because he already has a bottle of lube in his hands and he's already sliding slicked fingers inside of Brendon.



Brendon burries his face in his folded arms, muffling the wet sounds that are being pulled from him. This doesn't feel right, not like Brendon's used to. He's used to Nate. Gabe places feather soft kisses along the base of Brendon's spine as his fingers work the younger boy open.



"Are you ready, Brenny?" Gabe asks and Brendon lifts his head, nods. In moments he's feeling the slick head of Gabe's cock pressing at his enterance.



"Wait, wait, condom Gabe." Brendon reminds him.



"Don't wanna wear one." He replies, and it's too late because he's already pressed himself inside of Brendon. The younger boy makes a sort of choked off sound, he's never really been with anyone as big as Gabe, it's interesting. His mind is still trying to get over the lack of a condom, Gabe's situation with Hayley should've been proof enough that condoms weren't a big thing for him.



Gabe is burried to the hilt inside of Brendon, the younger boy squirming only a little at the slightly uncomfortable position he's in. Gabe's hands find Brendon's hips and hold firmly, tilting and pushing and Brendon finds himself being pushed down the couch, his hips resting against the arm of the couch and his ass high in the air.



The older boy starts moving now, still gripping Brendon's hips as he slides out nearly all the way before pushing quickly back inside. The new angle apparently allows Gabe to get as deep into Brendon as he can, finding that spot inside the younger boy, the spot that makes him twitch and makes his hips stutter against the material of the couch.



"God, you're way tighter than you should reasonably be." Gabe grunts out as he starts a steady rythymn inside of Brendon, hitting that spot early and consistantly enough to make Brendon moan out, muffled once again by his arms. Gabe's thruts were vicious, hard enough to make Brenon slide against the couch but Gabe didn't let him slip down all the way, holding him steady by his hips as he slammed himself into Brendon's ass.



Brendon was biting at the skin of his forearm. It felt good and he was just a tiny bit disgusted at himself for enjoying this, he shouldn't be able to get off today, not when things had been so shitty for him. But Gabe, god, Gabe was good at this and if he wasn't screwing William all along then Brendon wonders just who he's been practicing on.



Gabe's moaning out, letting some broken pieces of spanish slip into his grunts and moans. The sound of their skin hitting fills Brendon's ears but the coke and the pleasure is too high for him to worry about much of anything besides fufilling his favor to Gabe.



Brendon feels a rough hand sweep up his back, fingers pressing against his neck, moving higher until Gabe's fingers are tangled in Brendon's jet black hair. Gabe tightens his grip and tugs back, brings Brendon's head up and away from his arms, exposing the moans that Brendon wanted to hide, he didn't want to hear himself moaning like the whore that he was.



And he was a whore, sitting here and letting Gabe use his ass, fuck him because he has no one else. Getting off on being used by the much older man...maybe so he wouldn't feel so damn alone.



"Fuck, tell me you love it Bren, tell me." Gabe was muttering, thrusting hard with each word. Brendon whimpered and tried to angle himself so he could get a hand on his cock but Gabe tugged his head back harder.



"I love it...Gabe." Brendon moans out raggedly, it's hard to say anything with the way Gabe has his head tilted back, throat exposed and tight. Gabe growls and rams himself into Brendon, hitting that spot again and Brendon can't stop the loud moan that escapes him. He wants to come, he does and he wants Gabe to come too, he wants this to be over so he can just go home and not owe anyone anything.



"You're a fucking slut but you're so damn good at it." This just might be a compliment coming from Gabe. His fingers drop from Brendon's head and move back to his hips, fingers digging into skin and Brendon wouldn't be all that surprised if he ended up having bruises.



Brendon's head drops forward without Gabe pulling it back and he digs his elbows into the couch, trying to find some purchase as Gabe tilts his hips, getting at his ass once again. Brendon tightens around Gabe, feeling the hot drag of his cock pushing deep inside. Gabe's groaning and his hips work in a frenzy, slamming against Brendon's ass, making an array of obscene sounds.



"Fuck, Bren, fuck." Gabes growling out, he leans down so that his body is curled over Brendon's, so that he's positively suffocating the younger boy between him and the couch. Gabe's biting at Brendon's neck, panting and whispering again in that broken spanish, fragments of words that Brendon doesn't know. Gabe's obviously close and he grunts a few more times before he freezes inside of Brendon and comes.



Brendon's slightly grossed out, no condom and Gabe's come is pooling around inside him. But he's still hard, his cock throbbing almost painfully against his stomach and a couch cushion. Gabe, who had been catching his breath seems to remember Brendon's predicament and moves away from Brendon, goes to the couch and sits down at the end opposite of Brendon.



The younger boy is panting, staring at Gabe and he doesn't know what to do. God, he wants to touch himself but he doesn't know if that's what Gabe wants. The older boy motions for Brendon to come over to him, Brendon gets himself off the arm of the couch and makes his way to Gabe, ignoring the feeling of the older man's come leaking out of inside of him.



Gabe grabs Brendon's wrist once he's close enough and pulls him down to the couch. He's on his back now, legs almost on Gabe's lap. The older man moves up Brendon's body until his face is level with Brendon's cock. Much like he did early, Gabe drops down the length of the younger boys cock, Brendon moaning out instantly at the intense heat his previously neglected cock is getting.



Gabe ends up taking the entire length of Brendon's cock down and okay, so maybe Gabe's not as strictly straight as Brendon had thought because no straight man should be able to deepthroat like that. He does all these moves, things that seem to be designed purely to make Brendon come and it's working. He's arching up off the couch, Gabe's hands pressing on his hips, holding him down.



Brendon's fingers tangle in Gabe's hair, holding tight as the older boy works his mouth over the hard flesh. It doesn't take much longer, Brendon coming with Gabe's mouth still on him. The older boy pulls back and moves up, kissing Brendon, a warm wetness filling the younger boy's mouth. Gabe was sharing Brendon's come, pushing it around both of their mouths.



It's something Brendon's never done before, not something he does enjoy doing but he's playing by Gabe's rules now. They break apart and Gabe is grinning broadly, lips wet and shining.



"Did you like that Brendon?" Gabe presses, hands pushing through Brendon's sweat slicked hair. All Brendon can do is nod, it's not like he hated it. "Good." Gabe says, kisses Brendon, just a quick peck on the lips. "You did your favor spectacularly. You're such a good boy, Brenny." Gabe's showering a multitude of compliments and affection on to Brendon, maybe to ward off the truly perverted nature of the favor. "Get dressed and I'll take you home."



Brendon dresses in silence, the cocaine and the post sex high wearing down. It's leaving him feeling empty, a sort of hollow that nothing can fill..nothing but having Nate back. Afterwards he feels cheap, basically he got fucked for some coke. Gabe returns re-dressed and he ushers Brendon out to the car, there's only a slight burn when Brendon walks, earned from Gabe being bigger than Brendon's used to.



They're back in the car and Brendon's staring out the window, mind empty and heart conflicted. "Bren," Gabe starts, Brendon looks over at him, assumes that he'll say something comforting. "You get that we're not going to talk about this right?" Gabe says, pulling his eyes off the road to look at Brendon.



"Yeah," Brendon doesn't think that Vicky would be too pleased about this. Gabe nods and goes back to driving, Brendon checks his cell phone in vain, hoping that there will be a call from Nate, there isn't.



"Good, so, you and I are back to square one." Gabe smiles, glancing back at Brendon. How he can so easily slip from frightening to jolly, it's a Gabe Saporta skill. Brendon tries to force a smile on his face but he doesn't think it's working, he never feels like smiling again.



"What ever happened about Hayley?" Brendon finds himself asking, he'd really fucking hate if all Nate's work had been in vain and Gabe had gotten his hands on her anyway. Gabe makes a choked off noise before he sighs deeply.



"That bitch slipped out of my hands, took off out of town but I suppose if she isn't here than Vicky will never find out about it and I won't have to take care of some brat."



Brendon makes a silent 'oh' with his lips, looks back out the window. So, it was all really worth it in the end.



The two of them are silent for the rest of the car ride. Brendon's too busy trying to untangle his feelings, unravel what each emotion is. Regret, pain, fear, lonliness, he classifies each one and tucks them away, wants them to stop but they won't and he can't really bring himself to look Gabe in the face.



Gabe rolls up slowly to Brendon's house, the lights are off which is strange, what's stranger is that Brendon's car isn't in the driveway. Gabe doesn't seem to think this is at all odd as he talks to Brendon.



"So, if you need me call me. I promise I won't call in another favor for a good long while." Gabe says, hand squeezing Brendon's shoulder. The boy nods but Gabe's words aren't really registering to him, in one ear and out the other. Maybe Spencer went to the store as he sometimes did? Brendon really didn't feel like being alone but maybe Spencer really didn't feel like being around Brendon.



He props his door open and gives Gabe one last glance back before he leaves the car. He's not sure why but an unsettling feeling is sinking into him, like when you walk into your room and you know that something's different but you really can't pinpoint what that something is.



The front door is unlocked, it always is but still. He flicks on the living room light as Gabe drives away, his sports car speeding down the lonely road. Inside the house there is something different, it feels empty for some reason, Spencer and Ryan definitly aren't home.



Brendon sighs and mourns the fact that he's alone. He wants someone here with him, wants Ryan to smile at him and wants Spencer to not hate him. He slides past the kitchen table, intent on heading to his room and laying down for awhile, until Spencer and Ryan return. Something catches his eye on the kitchen table though, a piece of stark white notebook paper.



He picks it up and scans the small neat handwriting that had to belong to Spencer.



'Brendon,



I know that you said that Nate wouldn't hate me, that you wouldn't blame me...but I can't help but feeling that all these horrible things that keep happening to you are my fault. I know that if you want to have any chance at all of getting back together with Nate...that..that I can't be here, I can't live here. So, I'm leaving.'



Brendon's eyes widen at the note, his hand trembling but the note isn't finished.



'I'm sorry...I know you've done so much for me, saved me in so many ways but I can't be here anymore. I have to take your car..again, I'm sorry. I promise I'll find a way to get it back to you.'



There's still more to the note but a horrible thought seizes Brendon's mind, snakes it's way freezing cold into his chest. Where the fuck is Ryan? Forgetting the note for the moment Brendon races to Ryan's room, throwing open the closed door and please, please, he just wants Ryan to be sleeping in here.



He's not.



The room is still mostly full, Ryan's stupid obnoxiously pink stuffed monkey that he sleeps with still sitting on the bed. But there are somethings missing, clothes, books, the video game that Nate had bought for Ryan. Brendon almost can't stand, he wobbles and leans against the wooden frame of Ryan's room. With shaking hands he finishes the note from Spencer.



'This is the hardest part...Ryan..Ryan's with me Brendon. I wasn't going to take him but he saw me getting ready to leave, he begged me to not leave him alone....god, I'm sorry. I-I know that you love him, I do but-but maybe he's better off with me? Maybe he'll have a better chance at becoming semi-normal once again...I'll take good care of him..I promise.



I'm sorry Brendon, I hope that this decision winds up being the best choice for all of us.



Love, Spencer.'



Brendon doesn't know when he slid to the floor, doesn't know at what point he started to cry and shake. He can't believe it...he can't...Spencer left? Ryan's gone...he took Ryan. Brendon swears and crumples the paper into a ball, throwing it against the floor. How dare he, how fucking dare Spencer decide what's best for Ryan, how dare he just steal the older boy away.



Brendon crumples to the floor and he pounds his fists against the dirty wood. He can't believe this...his best friend is gone...but what's worse is that he's all alone. He has no one, no Ryan, no Spencer, no Nate...not even Pete, no one and there's no drug, no pill, nothing that can take away that deep searing pain.