My Gift To You

Five: And It's Something About The Way You Look At Me

It was two weeks later and Billy was standing awkwardly in the middle of Aaron’s garage. The guys kept prodding him to come (all but Benji of course) and Billy reluctantly agreed, just because Benji was going to be there. He knew that it was impossible to speak with Benji without snide remarks and/or words dripping with hate, but that didn’t stop Billy from trying. He followed Joel like a lost puppy, dragging his guitar behind him, all the while hearing the protests of Benji about why he didn’t want “the fucking queer” around; clearly not caring about whether or not the guys even cared about his opinion.

Billy was sneaking glances at Benji again. For a half hour he tried forcing himself to stare at his boots, but his eyes wouldn’t cooperate and found their way to the figure sitting on a rust colored couch (if the couch wasn’t that color at some point he didn’t want to know). He was perfect, but maybe not to some other people. Benji wasn’t exactly a wrestler nor was he a twig... he was pleasantly in-between the two. He might have been short, but height wasn’t everything. Despite of the fact that he seemed like a complete asshole, there was an angelic quality about him. He also seemed to be hiding something, though Billy guessed that even a thousand years of picking Benji apart wouldn’t get you anywhere.

“I don’t want him in the band.” Benji sneered, forcing Billy out of his thoughts and to move behind Joel’s chair. “We started this band together, Joel, so don’t think you can make a decision without me.”

“He’s a good guitarist. We can’t get anywhere with only you and Paul playing guitar. I’ve seen an Overflow show not too long ago and he can actually play.” Joel stated.

Benji looked at Billy momentarily before he looked back at his brother. “We aren’t going to get a fucking record deal with him in the band. It’s all about image these days: flannel shirts, tight pants, bug eye sunglasses. What are people going to think if we put him into the band? We already have a white guy who thinks he’s black.”

Joel mumbled something, but his voice was so soft even Billy couldn’t hear what he said. He returned his voice to the usual pitch to say, “A teddy bear, a white guy who thinks he’s black, a jock-type, and a prick. Why not have a tall guy who can actually play a guitar and sing — unlike someone I know.”

“Because I don’t want to be in a group with a fa—”

“Why not?” Billy interrupted, feeling like shit at the bottom of a can. “Just because I’m new to Waldorf? Just because I might be better than you are? Because you’re a control freak that always has to have the final decision?”

Again Benji looked at Billy, his eyes cold and void of any warmth or shine. “Because I don’t like you.”

Make that shit at the bottom of a can that was neglected for as long as the couch wasn’t cleaned or repaired. “That’s good to know. I wouldn’t want to be in a band with you for the life of me.”

“Just let him show us what he can do, okay?” Aaron said, trying to avoid a fight. “It doesn’t matter what you two think of each other, let’s make sure he’s any good before you start taking out teeth.”

“Fine.” Benji replied quickly, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Play anything you want, Billy.” Joel said softly, basking in the glow of Benji’s some-what of a defeat.

Billy sucked his teeth and picked up his guitar, walking toward Aaron’s drum set to plug his instrument into an amp. His mind went blank right then, but for some reason his fingers formed the right notes and his pick strummed the guitar strings. Soon he was playing a song (what it was he couldn’t recognize) and thinking about how he was going to screw this up. A monkey on his shoulder kept telling him what to do; to look up, not to look up, open his mouth or not to open his mouth, and any other mindless thing that came to its mind. He could feel Benji’s eyes on him, whether studying him intently or suppressing the urge to strangle him Billy was unable to tell.

When the song was over Billy unplugged his guitar and heard the audible buzzing of silence. If they hate it they could just tell me, not sit on their asses and keep their mouths shut... But what if they like me? They could be thinking of a way to break the news to Benji. Yeah. I doubt that. “Right. I’ll be on my way now.” He kept his head down and started toward the garage door, but a hand wrapped around his arm and stopped him.

“You’re in.” Joel stated, a small smile on his face. “That is if you want to be...”

He lifted his head, seeing Benji shake his own in the corner of his eye. “If Overflow doesn’t work out I might. They’ve been thinking about calling it quits.”

“Let us know by Prom, eh?” Paul finally spoke. “That gives you three months to come up with the final choice, and don’t think about Benji. He doesn’t have any more say in this than a pin cushion.”

“Fuck you, too, Thomas.” Benji spat.

-

Joel stood at the far end of the track field with Billy and Aaron. They gave up on the baseball game and migrated to the outer outfield, there was no point in trying to participate when no one would give them a chance. “I’m really sorry about the other day, Billy. I don’t know what’s gotten into my brother. Must be blue balls or something.”

Aaron snickered and kicked the ground as the other team got to home base. “You can say that again, man. It’s more like a crush going nowhere, though. He’s twisting his nuts trying to get with whoever it is, but the going’s going slower than molasses in January.”

“It’s that brunette isn’t it? Samantha something-or-other?” Joel asked.

The blonde shrugged. “God knows. That kid’s more secret than anyone I know.”

“I’m feeling like the little brother here, guys, thanks.” Billy said sarcastically.

Joel laughed. “Sorry, Lil’ Billy.”

“But what are you talking about? Maybe Benji’s not tripping over some girl. Doesn’t he seem a little—” Billy took the chance, “—gay to you?”

Aaron shook his head. “Nope.” He pointed to himself, “See. I’m gay, but Benji... I don’t know about him. He wasn’t always this pissed off. At one point in his life he was nice but, that was just a short, glimmering moment in time.”

“Nah. I don’t think he swings that way. I’d notice. Mom’s really religious anyway, so even if he was he’d try to force himself to be straight. We get the ‘homosexuals are sinners’ talk a lot, no doubt that any gay hair on us would be scared off.” Joel said slowly, trying to think of a non offending way of putting what he was trying to say. “Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, if you’re a whacko ax murderer than you’re a sinner... but your sexual orientation doesn’t make you a good or bad person.”

“Agreed of course.” Aaron stated.

Billy held back a smile. Though he was slightly irked by Joel’s statement, it was nice to know that he wasn’t going to be cast into the streets anytime soon. “Yeah.”