Rummy

"Demeter."

I stopped short just outside the entryway to the den used by the young unmated queens of my former tribe, suddenly realising the enormity of what I was about to do. If I took another step and actually ventured into the den I would be putting myself on the line in a way I never had before. It occurred to me that under any other circumstance I would be on Munkustrap's step and about to force him to listen to me as I complained about life. I should be outside his den, and not here trying to screw up the courage to ask after my newest and most unlikely friend. What if she wasn't there? What if she was there, but so were the other young queens? What would Jemima think if I barged in wanting to talk to Demeter, and not her? Do I---

"Tugger? What are you doing?"

I froze a moment, then turned to regard Electra with what I'd later realise had been an almost sheepish expression, "standing. What does it look like?"

"You're blocking the entrance to my den," the young brown tortoiseshell replied snarkily, "and she's not here."

"Who's not?"

"Jemima's not."

"I don't want to---" I stopped mid-sentence, "Jemima?" I blinked, "who told you about Jemima?"

Electra rolled her eyes and put her paws on her hips, "Jemima did, after Bombalurina mentioned it to Etcetera."

"And who told her?" I demanded, one paw reaching for my cutlass in a gesture of reassurance, only to realise it wasn't at my side. The gesture wasn't lost on Electra, and she glared at me as though thinking I might be planning to gut her if she didn't tell me... Only a few years earlier and she used to worship me. How things change.

"Munkustrap," Electra replied, and stuck her nose a little higher in the air as I swore. "Now if you'd be so kind as to move?"

I stepped aside, but then grabbed her arm as she walked past, "wait a moment there. Can you tell me where Demeter is?"

Electra's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but after a moment she shrugged her arm out of my grip and turned away, "she's with Alonzo. I wouldn't disturb them if I were you, and thank the Everlasting Cat I'm not."

I made a face behind her back and let her disappear through the entrance to the den. Then I turned away and made for my own den. Alonzo? What the fuck would she be with Alonzo for?

###

I watched the sunset alone, just staring off into the darkening night until the stars started to appear. It felt like some kind of omen, maybe, that tonight seemed so much colder than any other night. I'd done this every night for the past three years--- watched the sunset alone.

So why did it bother me now?

###

"Tugger?"

"Nn?"

"You're not ill, are you?"

I didn't reply, instead looking down at my paws, which were idly picking at a loose thread of the cushion I was lying on. Jemima shifted and I felt her small paws run over the back of my shoulders. Her fingers began to knead into my muscles. "What?" I finally asked, not really paying attention.

"I asked if you were feeling OK," she explained patiently, her paws going to work on the tension in my neck. My head lolled forward as she continued to speak, "you don't really seem yourself."

"No shit," I muttered into the soft, fluffy cushion beneath my face.

"I mean, I can just go if you don't want me tonight." The way Jemima spoke said in no uncertain terms that she was perfectly fine with doing so. "It's no big deal... Well," her voice held a hint of a smirk, "maybe it is, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, baby, I know what you mean." And thanks for the ego-boost, sweetheart.

"And I know that we're not exactly exclusive, so if it's that---"

"What?" My head jerked up and I twisted around to look at her.

"I was just saying," she explained casually, "that if it's because you want to mess around with someone else I don't mind sharing you."

I frowned, "what the hell are you talking about?"

Jemima shrugged and slid forward so that her body was stretched out beside mine, "there's just a rumour that you're after one of the other queens. Electra said that you were looking for Demeter earlier today, though good luck if it's her you're trying to get with."

"I beg your... what the fuck?" I propped myself up on my elbows to stare at her incredulously.

"She has issues about being touched," Jemima stated dryly.

"Jemi, babe, I'm not interested in Demeter." I smirked and gestured for her to come closer, "want me to prove it to you, baby?"

"I thought you weren't in the mood," she grinned lasciviously.

"You thought wrong," I informed her dishonestly and shifted around somewhat. Something was definitely wrong with this picture.

"Oooh... you cad!" Jemima's paws tangled in my head-fur, "I didn't even know you could do that until I took up with you."

I didn't reply, sometimes it's best not to speak with your mouth already occupied. I wonder why Demeter didn't come and watch the sunset tonight? What was she doing with Alonzo that could possibly keep her occupied for that long?

Everlasting Cat. Thinking about Goldilocks while going down on Jemima, and not even the slightest bit hot under my fur... that can not be a good thing.

###

The sun ought to have risen by now. The sky above the junkyard having exploded into a myriad of colour and light before calming down. Beautiful colours, and warmth all bleeding down from the sky as the sun rose above the horizon. At first, like a peach dipped in honey, and then like a bright burning light. But I'm not going outside. If she's there, then too bad. I can break out of a routine as well. I'm not a slave to my habits.

Fuck. I rubbed over my eyes with a paw, making a face of displeasure. I had been lazing in my den for the past two hours, trying not to get up and run outside in the hope to catch Demeter somewhere and just... talk. I felt like such a bloody nancy.

Absentmindedly I scratched the long fur of my mane with the claws of one paw, and frowned when they got caught. Heaviside, how the hell did my mane get that tangled?

"Knock knock. You got company?" A male voice called from outside.

"No," I replied, propping myself up. I didn't bother trying to make myself look respectable, it would take a lot more than a few seconds to do that.

"That's almost disappointing," Munkustrap said, walking in through the front entrance, a slight smirk on his face. When he caught sight of me he stopped in his tracks and started to laugh, "Rumpus! You look like---"

"Like shit," I finished for him blandly, "yeah, I know."

"No! You look worse than shit," the silver tabby announced, apparently finding the whole thing very funny, "I'll say this for you, it's a good thing you don't fuck for money. Because like that, my friend, you wouldn't be earning much."

"Gee, thanks," I sneered sarcastically. Really, I was not in the mood for this. "Knowing that you don't want to bang me is such a blow to my self esteem. What are you doing here?"

"Here?" Munkustrap smirked and flopped down onto a nearby cushion, "paying you a visit, idiot."

"Yeah, why?" I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously, "you're not here because of Bom-bitch are you?"

"Why?" He asked, his tail flicking in annoyance, "what did the bitch do this time?"

"She---" I blinked, "you called her a bitch."

Munkustrap shrugged, as though it were no big deal, "what of it?"

"Nevermind." I shook my head, "nothing. She did nothing."

A short silence enveloped the den again, and I took the opportunity to start combing out the tangles in my fur, frowning down at my chest. How long had the sun been up again? Shit, I realised suddenly as my stomach took the chance to rumble quietly, I missed breakfast. Oh well.

"How are things going for you?"

What the fuck? I looked up at Munkustrap dubiously, "have you been chewing catnip?"

"That's my fucking line."

"So choke on it, you bastard."

Munkustrap snorted through his nose and rearranged himself to look more imposing, "I'm serious. What's up your arse, Tugger?"

"Everlasting Cat, man! What are you on about?" A twinge of something nagged in the back of my mind despite my internal resolution to say that nothing was wrong. Was something up? Heaviside! How was I supposed to know?

"You strut around like a fuckin' peacock," Munkustrap said bluntly, "that's you. You don't skulk and you don't mope, which you've been doing a goddamn lot of. It's pissing me off."

"Why should it piss you off?" I demanded, and crossed my arms over my chest, only thinking it might be good to add 'I haven't been skulking/moping' after it was far too late to tack on.

"Heaviside! I don't know!" Munkustrap exclaimed, and it was obvious that he really didn't know, and that was also pissing him off, "despite being a complete and utter asshole, you are a friend!"

"Fuck. You do care," I stared at him for a few moments, almost shocked to hear him admit (albeit very subtly) that he cared about how I felt, and enough to notice that something was off about me.

"Tell anyone and I'll smash your pretty face beyond recognition," he warned, then leant back nonchalantly, "what's this shit that's bothering you now?"

I paused. Nothing was wrong... was it? I mean, nothing that I hadn't already dealt with before, but... "I hate myself." I froze, a little stunned that -that- phrase had just spilled from my mouth. "I fuckin' hate myself. I'm screwing a queen that I don't love, she's killing me. I hate it. I hate that I get turned on by how she moves against me, I don't feel anything at all for her--- when we fuck, it's sex." I blinked, a strange stinging in my eyes that wouldn't go away. I couldn't seem to stop speaking. My mind was disconnected with my mouth. "Bombalurina, the bitch---your bitch!--- always chasing after me, making me feel like shit. Like I'm not worth anything, only good to be her property. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her like I hate myself, and you're fucking her!" I yelled, grinning as the tears spilled from my eyes and wet the fur on my face. "It's so fucking funny!"

Ha! Look at him. I'm laughing now, I can't stop. Laughing and crying, and he's just staring at me. Everlasting Cat, why can't I stop talking!?

"Then there's this other queen, the one I think I really like. But I can't have her, no, no no... I think she's seeing someone else. We're not even together. I'm jealous of whoever it is, I hate him. I hate you for getting her first! I was with Jemima the other night and I couldn't... couldn't... I..."

My head fell forward into my paws as I started sobbing. Now I can't talk at all. Isn't that a laugh?

Munkustrap is silent. Why doesn't he say anything? I feel so weak. Why did I have to come back here? I should have just left, taken up with a different crew. Now I'm stuck here. I start rocking backwards and forwards, sobbing into my paws. It suddenly strikes me; I really did it. I really just said it...

Finally there's the sound of movement. After a few moments Munkustrap sits down beside me and places a comforting arm around my shoulders. "You're a fuckwit, Tugger."

I laugh shortly, "I know."

"Queens are the beginning and end of a tom's problems," Munkustrap says plainly, "you're too sensitive. That's your problem."

"And you never have any sort of troubles with them? Pfft." Oh great, now I'm hiccuping.

"As far as I'm concerned," he said, "they only have one use."

I feel like I'm falling apart. I really said it... I hate myself. And I went to pieces in front of Munkustrap.