Tainted Wings

I don't remember how did it start...But I remember how weird I felt when he crawled on top of me. Now that I think about it, it seems weird..At first he was so gentle, so unsure of what to do but soon his movements turned into harshness and he was a cold statue before I could tell what happened.

We had talked through the day, deciding on the rules, what to do or not to do- and making sure that we would never include our feelings.And then...

And then...We moved to my bedroom, I remember that it was usually mine. It was often Kaoru that came to me, but there were times I wanted his company too -but thats not our subject right now...Our first time...Our first time was somewhat charming.

He gently laid me on the sheets, crawling on top of me, never breaking eye contact. It was the first time I regretted that he couldn't kiss me, he was the one to suggest that. 'We're not lovers' he said...'Kissing is what lovers do.' So we just looked at each other, our breathing was hard in the silent room. I could feel his naked body pressed against mine, even the thought alone was enough to make me aroused. It was one of the feelings Kaoru successed in making me feel. I silently watched him, feeling my heart beating against my chest. His eyes met mine when I couldn't stop the moan that rised through my throat when our erections rubbed against each other.

My vision darkened when my emotions forced my eyes to close as Kaoru leaned in and sucked on the flesh of my neck. Ohh, his mouth felt so good. I could only dream how his kisses would feel like as he licked and used his tongue so perfectly. Arching my back into his body, I emitted a moan from him.

"K-kao..." I could only whisper to the man on me, who is not more comfortable than me but we were both captured in our own passion and we both were too with pride to take a step back. To encourage him, I parted my legs, hearing him taking a sharp breath when I somewhat forced him to place himself between my legs as I wrapped them around his waist.I bit down on my lip and looked at him, seeing him looking back at me.

"Are...Are you sure?" He asked softly, kindly. I knew there wouldn't be coming back after next point, but I really didn't wanted to stop then. Perhaps I was blind to see my feelings which I can only understand now. It was only lust for me then, or so I thought. But I was being forward.. And to actually let him fuck me...!!! But thats another story...Continuing..

The pain when he entered me was the only pain I would never forgot. The pleasure that it brought me was hard to imagine. I felt my insides being ripped and teared down. I don't remember crying out but I heard my scream. I could hardly noticed that Kaoru stopped once he was fully in me and kissed my neck to soothe me. He was so nice then... So gentle. Soon, the pain left and I was being impatient with the stilled lenght inside me. I pressed down my hips, enjoying the slight pleasure that I got from the soft motion. Kaoru took the hint and slid himself out to thrust back in, earning a deep moan coming from my lips.

He was big, and it felt as if he knew all of the secrets of my body. When he first brushed against that special spot in me, I cried out his name, which I remember- that he enjoyed. He liked having me writh beneath him, it gave him some sort of control..He is the ones that liked to be in control, that's why I gave it to him. I gave whatever he wanted from me. I gave him my moans, my cries and myself. Yet, he still asked more from me... I could never say no. It never changed, I still can't.

The most pleasurable part was when he took my pulsing arousal in his hand, pumping me in the same ryhtm of his thrusts. The warmth of his fingers covering the ache of mine. I was vocal then, because he asked me to. I remember him whispering to me, 'Moan my name' he said, and I did... Because he gave me such pleasure, I just wanted to pay back...

I was so blind.

I only saw stars when he slammed into my prostate and climaxed deep inside me, which resulted in me climaxing between our abdomens, crying out his name and faintly hearing him moaning mine.

There was no Toshiya then... He would call my name when he reached his climax... It was me who was being fucked.

He had collapsed on me. We were both panting, waiting for the blood to rush back in our brains, not feeling so shy anymore. I didn't even realized when he had slid out from me and threw himself next to me, making me miss his body warmth so suddenly.

"That was..." I heard him talk softly. The awkward moment. We both didn't know what to say...

"Yeah..."

"I...should.."

"Yeah..."

We didn't need words to communicate. I knew that he should go to his own apartment. 'No staying.' he had told. 'That's what lovers do.'. And then I finished that sentence in my head: We're not lovers. It was as if he was afraid of me to fall for him. I never thought I did, then, even if i did. I don't know now... I'm not sure... He fucked me and my brains out, making me so confused.

That night ended with his words...

"Good night Kyo."

Which I never replied until he left. It was when the tears came, for a reason I could never tell until now. I felt broken, used, hurt... Whispering the words that I usually would like to say to his face, while he was holding me. 'Good night Kaoru.'

When did he lost his gentleness? I think it was when he realized that he wouldn't lose me. I was blind. I let him do as he wanted. Make his way with me. I was the submissive one. Besides, it wasn't the roughness that hurt me- but it was the leave that followed soon after.

Am I selfish?...For wanting him to kiss me? For wanting him to hold me after we have sex? To at least once tell him how I feel? And hear the words back? Am I?

I just wish I could have one night with Kaoru, like the night I had with Die. Even though I moaned his name, it was Kaoru that was in my mind when he fucked me. The kisses were what I hold on to. Would Kaoru's kisses feel like that? If with Die I felt like this, I can only imagine how good it would feel with Kaoru.

But...I would never, will I? I wish I was Toshiya only for a day and have Kaoru love me... I wish....

'You're such a slut'

I am, am I? For giving myself to him whenever he wanted? For allowing him to have his way with me? Or is it because I had a nice fuck with his best friend?

This...doesn't make me happy at all.

I should have yelled back at him, just to see his face, just to see what made him so mad.

"If I'm a slut... I'm none others slut but yours."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryoujoku no ame is such a beautiful song. I was rereading this, and this chapter is my favourite... It is after now that I got in the awful blockage of writers - which I'm still struggling to get out of... Once again I'd appreciate reviews, they make me so happy :3~!

kaoruslilvamp - Sorry I forgot to write in the previous chapter xD Thanks a lot for the review~! About the pairing, I'm afraid he'd end up with Kaoru most probably xD. But since it's not finished I don't know. I don't really want to bring someone outside of Dir en grey because the only band I can write easily is Diru. For some reason ;.; But maybe in another fiction xD

Kai_mono - Omg do NOT stop writing *is shot* xD; Die x Kyo? Well, I'm going to have lots of DiexKyo lemons later but I don't know if I will because Die does not like Kyo...And yeah, it serves Kaoru right. I'm thinking that you'd like chapter 5~! xDDD *evil grin* & its' okay~! I don't know myself who I want Kyo to end up with. It'll be Kaoru maybe..Or maybe Die~ who knows :3! I'm open for suggestions always~xD The DiexKyo in the beginning was a suggestion of a reviewer of mine in the first place~ so :333~! x33 xD

I hope you all liked this chapter~! It was for Valentines Day (See how slow updater I am*shot* )